Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it unfair for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s just because he doesn’t contribute financially

95 replies

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:21

I’d really like some advice regarding my situation.

I have two kids with ex DP. One is 4 months old and the other is 15 months. I can’t stand him or his mum as she’s always had stuff to say about me behind my back. There was also a time where she took DD in her car and put my DD’s car seat which is rear facing ONLY to be front facing. It was a maxi cosi type of car seat so I honestly don’t even know how she managed to put the seatbelt in. Since then I’ve told ex dp that his mum won’t be taking DD in her car. That happened end of last year.

Since then his mum has been coming to my house to visit my kids. I’ve told ex dp that he can take DD on the bus to his mum’s house however he’s too lazy. For some reason ex dps sister messaged me asking if they could have DD at their house this coming Tuesday. I said that’s fine but ex dp will have to bring her on the bus as she isn’t going in the car (she’s outgrown the maxi cosi car seat and I just don’t trust her anyway).

Now this is the bit I need advice on so pls tell me your opinions and if you think this is cruel or not. Ex dp has never worked (age 26) and I’m starting to realise he never will work as he genuinely doesn’t sound like he cares about having an income or not. Therefore he NEVER contributes towards both of our kids. I can’t keep carrying on the financial burdern, it’s really killing me. I just asked him when he last applied for a job and he told me that he doesn’t know. Is it out of order for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s house until he starts financially contributing to his kids? I’m literally struggling so much yet he gets to take my child to mummy dearest’s just because she wants my DD there? Why is there benefits on his side of the family when he can’t even do anything beside babysitting his kids?

I’m sure I sound bitter and resentful and trust me, I am. Not sure if I’m being a bitch but I feel like there’s no consequences for him not providing for his kids. Everyone just goes on like it’s okay but it’s really not. Any suggestions on what to do with someone who chooses not to contribute to his kids or get a job? I considered stopping him seeing the kids but that’s really not fair on them. Help

OP posts:
MissMalificent · 21/08/2022 14:25

You can’t say that, its not family’s fault he’s a bum.

Thornethorn · 21/08/2022 14:25

Whatever is best for your kids is what you have to do. So if you think it's good for them to see grandma then you need to facilitate that however annoying it is.

I'm not sure you need to facilitate contact tube time at your home though.

Thornethorn · 21/08/2022 14:26

Time not tube time.

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 14:27

You have two very young kids with a man you can't stand... Time to grow up.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:29

MissMalificent · 21/08/2022 14:25

You can’t say that, its not family’s fault he’s a bum.

It’s quite literally his mum’s fault that he’s a bum.

She’s never asked him to contribute to any food/bills so he has no sense of responsibility. She still gives him money even though he’s 26. She literally hasn’t raised him to have any independence outside of her, it’s a joke.

I do get your point that I can’t punish them because of his actions but I don’t know what else to do at all

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 21/08/2022 14:29

If he wants to see his dc, he can use a bus like many parents do. You had a second child with someone who has never had a job, so I’m not sure you can now bemoan his lack of money. You don’t have to facilitate contact with the gps and no way should either child be in a car without the correct seat.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:31

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 14:27

You have two very young kids with a man you can't stand... Time to grow up.

@Johnnysgirl I’m very interested to hear how you suggest I grow up

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 21/08/2022 14:31

It's understandable that you feel like that but this isn't about you.
You picked him to have two children with and now, whatever your financial struggles, your children have a right to have a relationship with their father and his side of the family.

Simonjt · 21/08/2022 14:32

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:29

It’s quite literally his mum’s fault that he’s a bum.

She’s never asked him to contribute to any food/bills so he has no sense of responsibility. She still gives him money even though he’s 26. She literally hasn’t raised him to have any independence outside of her, it’s a joke.

I do get your point that I can’t punish them because of his actions but I don’t know what else to do at all

Show quote history

It isn’t his mums fault, it is his fault. Do you think you will be responsible for absolutely every choice your children make when they are 26?

Stopping contact would be punishing the children, that doesn’t stop it being shit that he chooses not to provide for his children.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:32

MarshaMelrose · 21/08/2022 14:31

It's understandable that you feel like that but this isn't about you.
You picked him to have two children with and now, whatever your financial struggles, your children have a right to have a relationship with their father and his side of the family.

Legally grandparents have no right to see their grandchild in the UK

OP posts:
Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:34

Do you think you will be responsible for absolutely every choice your children make when they are 26?

If I did nothing to help them and I continue to enable them then absolutely

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 21/08/2022 14:34

I think it's time to make sure you have an official arrangement in place regarding both contact and paying maintenance. He sounds absolutely useless to be honest.
You're going to need all the support you can get so it might be worth keeping his mum on side but it's entirely up to you whether you do.

GinIronic · 21/08/2022 14:34

Cut contact with all of them. You will be happier in the long run.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/08/2022 14:35

Children aren't pay per view.

He sounds like an idiot - but he is their father and has the same rights that you do.

Your children have a right to a relationship with their father. During his time with them, he gets to decide who they spend time with - not you.

You don't need to facilitate it. But you are wrong to try to prevent it.

orbitalcrisis · 21/08/2022 14:37

I never got any child support from my ex and he had no interest in seeing them, but I facilitated the relationship between them and their paternal grandparents as I believe children have a right to know their roots. I never got on with my mother-in-law but it wasn't about me, it was about the children.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 21/08/2022 14:37

Why did you choose to have two children with such a loser though? And no, you can’t punish his parents for his (and your) choices, though I agree about the car.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:38

I posted on here because deep down I knew it wouldn’t make any difference at all.

It just feels like a slap in the face when a grown woman older than your mum always bitches about you behind your back and has unnecessary stuff to say. But then her shit son can just pick up DD and have a great time at their house. It’s a joke.

Also before people harshly comment, you don’t know the full picture from one post. I did not know he didn’t have an income until I was pregnant with DD. He lied and said he worked and was in uni, neither were true. Contraception also failed which is how DS got here. He was applying for jobs and getting interviews but as I was pregnant with DS, I could see that he’s not motivated and genuinely doesn’t want to work. Hence why he’s now an ex. I do everything for the kids and I’ve just turned 23

OP posts:
Thornethorn · 21/08/2022 14:38

She could probably get access in court, you know. I'd give it to her now to avoid that of nothing else.

Grandparents don't have rights as such but the courts will protect your children's right to see grandparents, especially if there's an existing relationship.

dampgreg · 21/08/2022 14:39

Contact with his mum and your ex not having a job are too separate issues. You have to put your DC needs first. If they have a relationship with her and assuming she's not abusive or damaging in anyway then that should continue. You need to go through CMS about your ex lack of maintenance. Maybe he will never step up and get a job, maybe he will grow up and look out for his kids, but don't rely on getting the money directly from him. Set up an official case with the CMS and let them deal with it

Watchthesunrise · 21/08/2022 14:39

You chose him. He's their father and they have a right to a relationship with him. He facilitates their contact with his family.

Get official arrangements in place for maintenance and access.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:40

@MajorCarolDanvers

Your children have a right to a relationship with their father. During his time with them, he gets to decide who they spend time with - not you.

When did I say my kids don’t have a right to a relationship with their dad? You’re literally making things up. He also visits the kids at my house because he’s too lazy to take them back to his mum’s so again your point is invalid

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 14:41

I’m sure I sound bitter and resentful and trust me, I am.

Sorry, op, but it's almost impossible to understand why you willingly had two children with this absolute loser, who you knew had never worked a day in his life, yet now you're resentful and want to punish him and his family by denying contact. How does this benefit your children? This is just using your kids as pawns.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:42

dampgreg · 21/08/2022 14:39

Contact with his mum and your ex not having a job are too separate issues. You have to put your DC needs first. If they have a relationship with her and assuming she's not abusive or damaging in anyway then that should continue. You need to go through CMS about your ex lack of maintenance. Maybe he will never step up and get a job, maybe he will grow up and look out for his kids, but don't rely on getting the money directly from him. Set up an official case with the CMS and let them deal with it

Thank you, you’re right. The kids have to come first and I need to not be selfish. As you say, they are two separate issues.

CMS can’t do anything as he doesn’t work and isn’t on any benefits or anything so there’s literally no maintenance money to take from him and give to me. Thank you though

OP posts:
Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:43

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 14:41

I’m sure I sound bitter and resentful and trust me, I am.

Sorry, op, but it's almost impossible to understand why you willingly had two children with this absolute loser, who you knew had never worked a day in his life, yet now you're resentful and want to punish him and his family by denying contact. How does this benefit your children? This is just using your kids as pawns.

@Aquamarine1029 maybe you should read the full thread. He’s the one that lied and said he was in uni and was working. It was only until I was pregnant with DD that the truth came out. At that point, I was 21

OP posts:
dampgreg · 21/08/2022 14:43

There might not be any money now, but at some point he may get a job - hopefully.

Swipe left for the next trending thread