Is it unfair for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s just because he doesn’t contribute financially

[45hopperbunny]

I’d really like some advice regarding my situation.

I have two kids with ex DP. One is 4 months old and the other is 15 months. I can’t stand him or his mum as she’s always had stuff to say about me behind my back. There was also a time where she took DD in her car and put my DD’s car seat which is rear facing ONLY to be front facing. It was a maxi cosi type of car seat so I honestly don’t even know how she managed to put the seatbelt in. Since then I’ve told ex dp that his mum won’t be taking DD in her car. That happened end of last year.

Since then his mum has been coming to my house to visit my kids. I’ve told ex dp that he can take DD on the bus to his mum’s house however he’s too lazy. For some reason ex dps sister messaged me asking if they could have DD at their house this coming Tuesday. I said that’s fine but ex dp will have to bring her on the bus as she isn’t going in the car (she’s outgrown the maxi cosi car seat and I just don’t trust her anyway).

Now this is the bit I need advice on so pls tell me your opinions and if you think this is cruel or not. Ex dp has never worked (age 26) and I’m starting to realise he never will work as he genuinely doesn’t sound like he cares about having an income or not. Therefore he NEVER contributes towards both of our kids. I can’t keep carrying on the financial burdern, it’s really killing me. I just asked him when he last applied for a job and he told me that he doesn’t know. Is it out of order for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s house until he starts financially contributing to his kids? I’m literally struggling so much yet he gets to take my child to mummy dearest’s just because she wants my DD there? Why is there benefits on his side of the family when he can’t even do anything beside babysitting his kids?

I’m sure I sound bitter and resentful and trust me, I am. Not sure if I’m being a bitch but I feel like there’s no consequences for him not providing for his kids. Everyone just goes on like it’s okay but it’s really not. Any suggestions on what to do with someone who chooses not to contribute to his kids or get a job? I considered stopping him seeing the kids but that’s really not fair on them. Help

You literally say in your original post you can’t stand his mum - I’m talking about what YOU said!

You’re not coming across well, you had two kids with a dead beat and you financed him now you’re mad about it and using it as an excuse to stop his family having access. Be honest.

And no I don’t believe you didn’t realise he wasn’t working and had no money until you fell pregnant, unless you fell pregnant immediately.

Anyway, what would your DD like to do? Would she have fun with her extended family? Do you think she’d like a relationship with them in future? Maybe consider that instead of using her as a weapon because you’re pissed off with her dad and don’t like his family.

Yes it's unfair. I get why you're pissed, but at the end of the day there are a couple of things to consider.

1. Your children deserve a relationship with their wider family even if their dad doesn't pay maintenance.

2. Your dd will miss out on fun if she doesn't go.

3. All contact is them coming to you - you deserve a break!

Only stipulation I'd make is that they facilitate travel, appropriately. Your role is to get DD ready. How she gets there is on them. No car seat? No car. If there is a seat install it yourself - it's the only way to be certain.

@HappinesDependsOnYou tbh that’s what I’m working towards.

When I was pregnant with DS and had DD we had set days in place when he’d visit them. However DS was in NICU for 6 weeks and has recently been diagnosed with a genetic condition hence why I need the help daily as he constantly has appointments about 2/3 during the week. I’m just trying to reach some sort of stability until I can arrange set days of when he sees them etc.

The only problem is, he doesn’t have anything at his house for the kids. No cot, no bed, no bottles, no anything and if I ask him to take the kids to his house when he sees them he’ll say no because he has no money to buy anything for them. What happens then. Am I meant to buy every single thing the kids need for his house? It’s a joke and seems easier for him to see them here as that’s where everything is for them. I don’t want the kids to be disadvantaged because of his lack of money

Yeah you’re absolutely right if I’m being honest.

It’s best to keep the kid’s at the front of my mind at all times to make sure the best decisions are being made for them. Thank you

You're obviously intelligent, OP, and I don't doubt that you're a good mum. And I understand that you're frustrated with the situation. That said . . .

. . . if someone manages to successfully conceal from you that he's not at university and doesn't have a job, then I'd suggest you really, really don't know him well enough to have kids with him. More baffling still is that, having had one child with him and discovered he's a deadbeat, a 'contraceptive fail' shouldn't even be on the cards. If he's that charming and sexually attractive - seems unlikely - that you can't resist whipping your knickers off, I'd be taking gigantic strides to make sure I didn't get pregnant. Belt and braces. So you really do have to own your part in this. You're 23, with two kids by a loser.

Do the children, well especially eldest one, like seeing their Grandma? If yes then you facilitate contact. Is she kind to Children and love them? If yes you facilitate contact. Because one day you may get really ill and have to go into hospital and need her to care for them until you come out. Do it for your children. You chose their father, the children did not choose their family. You have to deal with the consequence.

Yes its unfair for you to tell him what he can do with his children and who they can see. He gets to decide that. It is his right to do that.

Contact (who the children see - him, his family) and maintenance (what he does or doesn't pay) are two separate issues.

It was only when I was pregnant with DD that he admitted he lied and wasn’t at uni and wasn’t working either. Yes I had DS whilst I knew that information but contraception failed and he was going for interviews which made me think he’d actually get a job

How did you not realise he wasn't working/ at university? Those are pretty big parts of life. Did you never talk about it, or his family mention anything, his friends?

It's funny how contraception always fails when the woman is with a deadbeat.

Having their grandma in their lives should have nothing to do with whether their dad pays anything towards them or not?? This would be using them as weapons and is a disgraceful thing to even consider.

You laid down and made these children with a loser so have no one to blame but yourself.

You claim he lied about having a job but maybe you should’ve spent some time getting to know him before having children, then you might’ve figured out this was a lie?

I was with my partner for 8 years before we had children. Plenty of time to consider whether or not he was good enough.

A decent parent should always put the children first. As long as the dad and his family treat the children well its best for the children to have contact.

Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and this is what you're doing.

It's unfortunate that you were lied to and you seem to have your head screwed on.

Please don't use your child as a weapon against the family. Take your grudge up with him.

Christ, OP - you are being given a really hard time by a lot of the posters here. As you said - this isn’t AIBU.

It sounds like you as a very young and in love woman believed what your BF told you about himself. You’ve since discovered the truth about him and are working very hard to provide for your two tiny children. It also sounds like you’re doing your best to build a relationship between the DCs and your ex.

It’s a shame his mum’s so toxic and you don’t need to facilitate contact but you can’t prevent your ex from allowing it. Does he know about the car seat incident? Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but have there been any other incidents where you’ve felt your LOs were unsafe with your ex’s mum? If not, then I think you probably just need to accept it. It’s very frustrating, of course.

But you sound like a great mum, who’s really stepped up at a very young age to look after her LOs. I’m sure they will do well.

Where does he live and how does he pay for it?

Sounds like he lives with his mum

@45hopperbunny I don't blame you for being pissed off at the pair of them. He's a deadbeat and the mum is an enabler.

I think you should just allow contact though. When they grow up, it'll be hard to explain that to them that they couldn't see their dad because he didn't pay. It just doesn't seem like a reason to not allow contact. Of course, if he doesn't turn up that's one thing, but if he's asking, you should really be facilitating.

My dc doesn't see their dad because he's a horrid abuser and they wouldn't be safe. But it has nothing to do with finances, as annoying as that is to deal with.

I assume that you and exDP have no formal contact arrangements. Right?

Is having you ex's Mum and sister involved in your dc's life a good or a bad thing for YOU?

Because it is perfectly, absolutely fine for you to stop facilitating those relationships if they in no way help you out. Keeping up relationships with your ex's family is solely and firmly your ex's responsibility. Not yours. Not even a little bit. Not in any way.

If ex wants Grandma involved in your dc's lives, then he needs to sort that out.

You are a 23-year-old single mother of 2 very young dc. You have quite enough on your plate without sorting his family too, thank you very much. Stop fetching and carrying for your ex's family.

Your dc may well benefit from seeing dp's family. In which case, he should make that happen. Safely. Consistently. Like a good parent.

You cannot do everything and please everyone, so feel free to stop trying. Just be a good Mum to your dc in your home. You are already carrying their feckless Dad. Give yourself a break.

Im sorry to hear you had a tough time with the kids health wise. Do what you need to do in order to get you stability for now. If I was in your position I would find out legally where you and the kids stand if he refuses to get the essentials needed to look after your children. It isn't sustainable you having him over daily as it will hinder your life but legally once you know your options you can plan your next move. It may be that he cannot have them over night but should he argue with your child arrangements then you know at that point legally he will have no leg to stand on as you will already be aware of what can and can't be done if that makes sense? Citizens advice give free legal support so might be a good starting point.

I am also sorry you are being bashed so much for having children with him. It is very easy to judge from behind a key board! I have witnessed a man deceive 2 women into thinking he had jobs and tye level of deception was bonkers!

It’s a shitty situation OP, and I am sorry you are in it. He might improve, you never know.
But there’s nothing you can do about it either way.

It would be healthy to acknowledge your part in this. You are young, so getting pregnant by a man you hardly knew, and choosing to continue the pregnancy despite not knowing how the baby would be supported is a thing that happens, but getting pregnant again just 4 months later, and again continuing the pregnancy was crackers.

I’m not saying the above to be nasty, but to acknowledge that the set up to this situation has been a bit of a disaster on both sides - the only thing to do is move forward.

One positive is that he and his family are interested in the kids. How can you get them to take on more childcare to give you time to increase your earning power? Have you tried talking to his mother about some financial help with the kids?

Focusing on increasing your earnings and getting as much help out of them in whatever form they can give it is the best thing you can do.

You must have known this but still chose to have 2 children with him , you cannot withhold contact because he doesn’t pay as that is only punishing the children .

Can you ask his mum to buy stuff for the kids to buy to have at his house? If she won’t, then talk to your HV about a local charity who might be able to help.

I think that it would help to set up a formal contact arrangement. Accepted that it may need some diplomacy as you would benefit from help with DS's appointments.

However, regardless of whether the arrangement is formal or not, in general your ex should not have contact with your DD at your home unless he's babysitting her while you take DS to an appointment. You are within your rights to say his mum can't come to your home. But you risk your ex deciding not to do it by himself. If he says he won't do it then it may be in your interests to deliver DD to his home when you need him/mum to look after her.

Any other contact should be at his home. As PP have said he can allow contact with whoever he likes during his time. You don't pay for any of the things your DC need while with him although it might be helpful to supply the bottles so long as they always come back.

You chose to have kids with this man….twice.

which means you can’t now choose to not allow him to parent his kids.

Why are people blaming op? She can probably recognise that she didn't know him well enough now, no need to dig your heels in. He's the deadbeat here, @45hopperbunny is doing her best to get by

“is it unfair for me to tell ex dp that he’s not bringing them to his mum’s as he doesn’t financially contribute”

yes it is unfair. You don’t get to dictate where he takes his children just because you don’t like it. As long as they’re safe (ie. Taking the bus) then you just have to suck it up I’m afraid.

Some people are not reading your posts properly.

Yanbu to think that your ex is a deadbeat and it's unfair that he gets away with not paying but area the kids daily.

Yanbu to not like his mum because of the car seat incident and insist that ex travels to her by bus for safety reasons. She enables his crapness and in your shoes I'd be wanting her to give her son a kick up the arse to get a job to provide something for his children.

It's great that you can see that Yabu to consider using contact to regain some control over your ex. It must be very frustrating to be part of the enabling of your ex (Does he takes the buggy that you paid for on the bus etc) and it not to be your choice but hopefully it will pay off when your kids have good self esteem because they see daddy regularly. It is hard being the bigger person.