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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it unfair for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s just because he doesn’t contribute financially

95 replies

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:21

I’d really like some advice regarding my situation.

I have two kids with ex DP. One is 4 months old and the other is 15 months. I can’t stand him or his mum as she’s always had stuff to say about me behind my back. There was also a time where she took DD in her car and put my DD’s car seat which is rear facing ONLY to be front facing. It was a maxi cosi type of car seat so I honestly don’t even know how she managed to put the seatbelt in. Since then I’ve told ex dp that his mum won’t be taking DD in her car. That happened end of last year.

Since then his mum has been coming to my house to visit my kids. I’ve told ex dp that he can take DD on the bus to his mum’s house however he’s too lazy. For some reason ex dps sister messaged me asking if they could have DD at their house this coming Tuesday. I said that’s fine but ex dp will have to bring her on the bus as she isn’t going in the car (she’s outgrown the maxi cosi car seat and I just don’t trust her anyway).

Now this is the bit I need advice on so pls tell me your opinions and if you think this is cruel or not. Ex dp has never worked (age 26) and I’m starting to realise he never will work as he genuinely doesn’t sound like he cares about having an income or not. Therefore he NEVER contributes towards both of our kids. I can’t keep carrying on the financial burdern, it’s really killing me. I just asked him when he last applied for a job and he told me that he doesn’t know. Is it out of order for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s house until he starts financially contributing to his kids? I’m literally struggling so much yet he gets to take my child to mummy dearest’s just because she wants my DD there? Why is there benefits on his side of the family when he can’t even do anything beside babysitting his kids?

I’m sure I sound bitter and resentful and trust me, I am. Not sure if I’m being a bitch but I feel like there’s no consequences for him not providing for his kids. Everyone just goes on like it’s okay but it’s really not. Any suggestions on what to do with someone who chooses not to contribute to his kids or get a job? I considered stopping him seeing the kids but that’s really not fair on them. Help

OP posts:

BadNomad · 21/08/2022 15:59

Welcome to MN.

Your babies are so young still. I think it's fair that he sees them at your house for the moment, but in a little while when they're older you can stop this being in your home. It will be his responsibility to maintain contact with his children, so he will have to pull his finger out and figure how to do that.

But you can't really tell him he can't do something when they're with him. If he wants to take them to his family's home, he can. But you don't have to facilitate contact with his family. Stop allowing his mother to come to your house. It is his responsibility to transport them safely. It is his responsibility to make sure they are fed when he has them. It is his responsibility to make sure they have nappies and clothing while they are with him. Give him nothing.

Quveas · 21/08/2022 16:01

You have already made up your mind about everything, and argue with everyone who posts anything that you haven't agreed with, so I see little point in asking people the question. FWIIW yes, he sounds like a waste of space, but you got pregnant TWICE with someone you didn't know particularly well (you claimed you didn't know he was unemployed etc., which would be rather hard to miss if you knew him that well) so you are as much to blame for these circumstances as he is.

The children have an extended family who played no part in the poor decisions of their parents. It would be cruel to keep them from that extended family without good reason. They deserve to know their family, and as they grow they will make their own decisions - about all of you. You really don't want to be the one who one day has to explain why you decided that they couldn't have a relationship with family because you were peeved at their father.

Louise0701 · 21/08/2022 16:02

@45hopperbunny yes, YABU.

no, it isn’t his mums fault he is useless. DH and I never had to contribute to any bills or mortgage whilst living at home with our parents yet we’re both now 31 with 3 successful businesses, several rental properties and 3 children in private school (one in nursery)
it’s his fault, not his mums. You chose to have 2 children in quick succession with a waster. That lies with you.

Glitteratitar · 21/08/2022 16:11

Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face.

When you start working again, and as the children get older, you will need a solid support network around you to help with childcare, emergencies, etc. Don’t unnecessarily sour the relationship out of frustration. He is still their dad and you chose to have two children with him. It’s your choices that have got you where you are, and you need to now prioritise your children.

Original poster

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 16:12

I find it amazing that I, a 23 year old, has come to a parenting forum to ask for advice and people are quite literally tearing me apart. Tearing apart decisions I made when I was 20/21 year old.

I was the one that was lied too for years but people have assumed that I didn’t know ex dp well enough before I got pregnant. I’m the one that ensures the kids have a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food in their belly but the focus is on me and my decision and not the dad who doesn’t give 1p towards their kids. Being a single mum is funny because people love to question the decisions that led to this instead of focusing on the man who has no interest in the kids or who chooses not to be a real parent.

I’m a tough cookie and I cried at that ‘you’re 23 and have had two kids by a loser’ comment, thank you for that. Thank you for the posters who have told me I’d be wrong to do that and have given further advice regarding the situation with no judgment. I really do appreciate that. From now on I’ll let ex dp facilitate the contact between his mum and the kids. Even though I know that means she’ll hardly see them due to his laziness, it’s not my responsibility. Thank you to the poster who can recognise that I need the support whilst DS has all these appointments but as time goes on it’ll be better to have set days for visits and for ex dp to ideally take the kids to his house.

I won’t be posting again as I didn’t post to get judged and spoken too like dirt, I came for real advice. Oh and for those commenting ‘yabu/yanbu.’ I did not post in aibu. I’ve posted in relationships. Maybe have a look at the section you’re on before you jump on people just for the sake of it

OP posts:

SecretVictoria · 21/08/2022 16:13

Krabappel · 21/08/2022 15:51

Why are people blaming op? She can probably recognise that she didn't know him well enough now, no need to dig your heels in. He's the deadbeat here, @45hopperbunny is doing her best to get by

Because it’s really hard to keep up the pretence that you’re at work/uni for any length of time? Especially when you’re not. When you’re an adult, most conversation defaults to work.

So it seems OP got pregnant very quickly before they were living together and ignored the signs (no work clothes/uniform, no textbooks/assignments, no uni ID, no conversation about being a bus driver or Dave in the office). Having found this out, she then gets pregnant again 4 months later.

DonutDoThat · 21/08/2022 16:17

Louise0701 · 21/08/2022 16:02

@45hopperbunny yes, YABU.

Jesus that wasn't even a humble brag, just straight up goady! And has absolutely no relevance to the op 👏

Krabappel · 21/08/2022 16:20

Yes @SecretVictoria, but that doesn't help op. It doesn't turn back time. It's just making her upset and doesn't answer her question.

I don't know what benefit there is in relaying this information. Like she said, this isn't AIBU and to those with nothing helpful to add: you don't have to comment, you know.

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 16:26

So he lied for years seriously how did he get away with that if you’ve known him for years? That’s very hard to understand

BadNomad · 21/08/2022 16:37

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 16:26

So he lied for years seriously how did he get away with that if you’ve known him for years? That’s very hard to understand

Because she was 20 and didn't have much experience with lying men maybe. Because he had some money (given to him by his mum). Why would she assume he was lying about working while at uni when he had money to show for it?

Regardless, she's doing amazing for her children. Providing everything they need all by herself.

Much older women fall for much stupider bullshit from men. It's ridiculous to judge a 20-year-old girl for it.

Mariposista · 21/08/2022 16:50

Kids having kids…

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 16:55

That explains the first one but she had a second contraception failure with this guy so that’s two unplanned pregnancies with this guy in a very short amount of time, must have got pregnant almost instantly with the second to a guy who “lied to her for years” I do feel sorry for the op but she’s going about it the wrong way and the way she has posted is why the comments have gone the way they have, she wants to stop contact with this guys family because he won’t pay maintenance, that’s not ok, she needs to accept responsibility in who her kids father is because they have 18 years of parenting ahead of them so makes no sense to burn bridges with his family.

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 16:58

The main ones I feel sorry for though is the kids as they are the ones caught in the middle and it’s in their interest to have a relationship with their father and his family

BadNomad · 21/08/2022 17:00

Of course she's frustrated that it's all on her. That he can get away with not doing a thing other than turning up at her door to "babysit". But it is not her responsibility to enable a relationship between her children and their father's family. That is something he will have to do. If he can be bothered. If that relationship breaks down, that isn't the OP's fault.

Krabappel · 21/08/2022 17:08

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 16:55

She literally said she's taking people's comments on board and thanked people who answered honestly and politely

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 21/08/2022 17:17

does he see them everyday in the house you pay for?

Gingerkittykat · 21/08/2022 20:00

🌻🌻Sending some support to a young mum who is trying to do the best for her kids in difficult circumstances.🌻🌻

VivaMazVegas · 21/08/2022 20:11

God there are some absolute arseholes commenting above. OP asked about a specific situation and yet look at all the judgmental twats telling her off about her past decisions. Ignore the fuckers OP, they just get a kick out laying into people.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/08/2022 21:18

Give it a shot. It might have her give him a kick up the arse - or contribute towards them herself.

Louise0701 · 21/08/2022 23:33

@DonutDoThat it’s relevant because she said the reason he is a waste of space with no job is because his mum never charged him rent. She needs to stop making excuses for him. It’s nothing to do with his mum not charging him. As my experience showed.

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