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Original poster

Is it unfair for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s just because he doesn’t contribute financially

95 replies

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:21

I’d really like some advice regarding my situation.

I have two kids with ex DP. One is 4 months old and the other is 15 months. I can’t stand him or his mum as she’s always had stuff to say about me behind my back. There was also a time where she took DD in her car and put my DD’s car seat which is rear facing ONLY to be front facing. It was a maxi cosi type of car seat so I honestly don’t even know how she managed to put the seatbelt in. Since then I’ve told ex dp that his mum won’t be taking DD in her car. That happened end of last year.

Since then his mum has been coming to my house to visit my kids. I’ve told ex dp that he can take DD on the bus to his mum’s house however he’s too lazy. For some reason ex dps sister messaged me asking if they could have DD at their house this coming Tuesday. I said that’s fine but ex dp will have to bring her on the bus as she isn’t going in the car (she’s outgrown the maxi cosi car seat and I just don’t trust her anyway).

Now this is the bit I need advice on so pls tell me your opinions and if you think this is cruel or not. Ex dp has never worked (age 26) and I’m starting to realise he never will work as he genuinely doesn’t sound like he cares about having an income or not. Therefore he NEVER contributes towards both of our kids. I can’t keep carrying on the financial burdern, it’s really killing me. I just asked him when he last applied for a job and he told me that he doesn’t know. Is it out of order for me to say he’s not taking DD to his mum’s house until he starts financially contributing to his kids? I’m literally struggling so much yet he gets to take my child to mummy dearest’s just because she wants my DD there? Why is there benefits on his side of the family when he can’t even do anything beside babysitting his kids?

I’m sure I sound bitter and resentful and trust me, I am. Not sure if I’m being a bitch but I feel like there’s no consequences for him not providing for his kids. Everyone just goes on like it’s okay but it’s really not. Any suggestions on what to do with someone who chooses not to contribute to his kids or get a job? I considered stopping him seeing the kids but that’s really not fair on them. Help

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 21/08/2022 14:44

Goodness - your poor kids - a useless deadbeat dad. I think instead of asking MNetters you try and get some answers out of him about what he thinks is reasonable and when he is going to step up, grow up and be an adult. Until then I suggest you bat the MIL off with the fact that he is the facilitator for all visits but not until you trust him (and them) to put the welfare of the kids as paramount. Until you deem that that is sufficient - no they are not playthings to be left with irresponsible people.

FuckeryOmbudsman · 21/08/2022 14:45

It would be utterly unreasonable of you to deprive children of their father.

They have a right to a relationship with him.

Don't be that bitch who uses DC as pawns, or who deprives then of half their family.

Pursue their DDad for material support as hard as you can. But shame on you for even thinking of depriving DC of their father.

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 14:46

You had two kids with him knowing he has never worked so can’t really be upset now?

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:48

Not sure if people are purposely being obtuse or if I wasn’t clear.

The kids see their dad every single day as he visits them at my house. Ex dps sister has asked for my DD to go round for the day at their house (sister, ex dp and their mum all live together). I’ve said that’s fine but ex dp will be bringing DD on the bus and I’ve asked is it unfair for me to tell ex dp that he’s not bringing them to his mum’s as he doesn’t financially contribute.

That has nothing to do with him visiting his kids??

OP posts:
FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 14:49

So you want to punish his MUM because he doesn’t pay? That’s even more bizarre

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:50

FuckeryOmbudsman · 21/08/2022 14:45

It would be utterly unreasonable of you to deprive children of their father.

They have a right to a relationship with him.

Don't be that bitch who uses DC as pawns, or who deprives then of half their family.

Pursue their DDad for material support as hard as you can. But shame on you for even thinking of depriving DC of their father.

@FuckeryOmbudsman who do you think you’re talking too? Don’t be a keyboard warrior because you’re on an anonymous forum. Maybe read back what I’ve written as the kids see their dad EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Oh this post was for you btw as you clearly have difficulties with comprehension.

‘Not sure if people are purposely being obtuse or if I wasn’t clear.

The kids see their dad every single day as he visits them at my house. Ex dps sister has asked for my DD to go round for the day at their house (sister, ex dp and their mum all live together). I’ve said that’s fine but ex dp will be bringing DD on the bus and I’ve asked is it unfair for me to tell ex dp that he’s not bringing them to his mum’s as he doesn’t financially contribute.

That has nothing to do with him visiting his kids??’

OP posts:
Thornethorn · 21/08/2022 14:50

Yes OP, it's unfair for you to do this.

I understand it's annoying and you bend over backwards to facilitate contact with ex and kids.

Still unfair. Life's not fair.

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 14:50

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:48

Not sure if people are purposely being obtuse or if I wasn’t clear.

The kids see their dad every single day as he visits them at my house. Ex dps sister has asked for my DD to go round for the day at their house (sister, ex dp and their mum all live together). I’ve said that’s fine but ex dp will be bringing DD on the bus and I’ve asked is it unfair for me to tell ex dp that he’s not bringing them to his mum’s as he doesn’t financially contribute.

That has nothing to do with him visiting his kids??

No, people aren't being obtuse. We got it; it's nuts.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:50

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 14:46

You had two kids with him knowing he has never worked so can’t really be upset now?

@FlyingSaucerss maybe read the full thread hun

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 14:52

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:50

@FlyingSaucerss maybe read the full thread hun

Show quote history

You're embarrassing yourself, op.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/08/2022 14:53

I totally get why your annoyed because it is massively unfair that he contributes nothing to providing or caring for the children.

…however I think you need to keep the financial situation separate from the arrangement of his contact, as they do in court I believe.

as long as you think the children are safe and contact is good for them then I’d just allow it.

auret him coming to your house to see them is way more annoying than him taking them to his mums house.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:53

UWhatNow · 21/08/2022 14:44

Goodness - your poor kids - a useless deadbeat dad. I think instead of asking MNetters you try and get some answers out of him about what he thinks is reasonable and when he is going to step up, grow up and be an adult. Until then I suggest you bat the MIL off with the fact that he is the facilitator for all visits but not until you trust him (and them) to put the welfare of the kids as paramount. Until you deem that that is sufficient - no they are not playthings to be left with irresponsible people.

Thank you @UWhatNow I’ve had many conversations with him but there’s no change. I don’t actually have any energy anymore hence why I’m so bitter.

My mum has said similar to you so I’ll definitely leave him to facilitate all visits however I know he’ll never take them as he’s too lazy. From December last year until now he’s been able to take DD on the bus to his mum’s house but chooses not too. I won’t arrange anymore visits at my house anymore for his mum so the responsibility will lie with him

OP posts:
Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:54

Thornethorn · 21/08/2022 14:50

Yes OP, it's unfair for you to do this.

I understand it's annoying and you bend over backwards to facilitate contact with ex and kids.

Still unfair. Life's not fair.

Yeah you’re absolutely right. I guess I just have to take it on the chin and get on with it

OP posts:
Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:55

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 14:52

You're embarrassing yourself, op.

Show quote history

@Johnnysgirl you’re continuously commenting but haven’t yet told me how I should grow up?

This isn’t aibu where you can just jump on the bandwagon to tear the op apart. I’ve asked for genuine advice so if you’re not going to do that I’m not sure why you’re here? Maybe go have a look at aibu to keep yourself entertained

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 21/08/2022 14:57

@45hopperbunny my point was that he has the same rights as you and he gets to decide who they see when they are with him. Calm down.

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 14:57

You have yet to explain why you had two kids with someone whose never worked now shocked he doesn’t pay maintenance 🤦🏻 What did you think would happen?

YoSofi · 21/08/2022 14:58

45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 14:29

It’s quite literally his mum’s fault that he’s a bum.

She’s never asked him to contribute to any food/bills so he has no sense of responsibility. She still gives him money even though he’s 26. She literally hasn’t raised him to have any independence outside of her, it’s a joke.

I do get your point that I can’t punish them because of his actions but I don’t know what else to do at all

Show quote history

But you chose to have kids with him and pay for everything, so you’re not blameless.

Its clear you hate his family and are looking for any excuse to not let them see your daughter. At least be honest about it.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 15:03

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/08/2022 14:57

@45hopperbunny my point was that he has the same rights as you and he gets to decide who they see when they are with him. Calm down.

@MajorCarolDanvers I think you’re missing my point. He sees the kids everyday at my house. I’m not questioning his rights or whatever.

I was asking if it’s unfair for me to tell him to not take DD to his mum’s house which she’ll be benefiting from when he doesn’t even contribute towards his kids. Other posters have pointed out that it’s two separate issues and I shouldn’t do that. It’s really as simple as that

OP posts:
Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 15:04

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 14:57

You have yet to explain why you had two kids with someone whose never worked now shocked he doesn’t pay maintenance 🤦🏻 What did you think would happen?

@FlyingSaucerss seriously have you read any of my posts?

It was only when I was pregnant with DD that he admitted he lied and wasn’t at uni and wasn’t working either. Yes I had DS whilst I knew that information but contraception failed and he was going for interviews which made me think he’d actually get a job.

The relationship ended once I realised he never will get one. Again, it’s as simple as that

OP posts:
HappinesDependsOnYou · 21/08/2022 15:05

Is there a reason why he is coming to your house every day rather then taking the kids on agreed days? You aren't unreasonable for not facilitating his family seeing them but you would be unreasonable to stop them seeing them. If he has access to them every day then it is for him to facilitate taking the kids to see his family. In all honesty you enable him by allowing him round every day to see the kids. he should have his time with them where he is responsible for everything (even if its actually his mum paying for it all) currently he doesn't even have to feed them if they are with you. plus this gives you time away from the waste of space to do your own thing. I hope you don't make him dinner or anything!

Christmasiscominghohoho · 21/08/2022 15:05

You had two kids with him knowing he had never worked.

You sound very young and immature.

Original poster
45hopperbunny · 21/08/2022 15:06

@YoSofi

‘Its clear you hate his family and are looking for any excuse to not let them see your daughter. At least be honest about it.’

His mum literally came round to my house on Tuesday and yesterday to see DD and DS so what are you talking about? If you read my OP you’ll see that I’m frustrated that there’s absolutely no consequences for him not contributing towards his kids

OP posts:
Christmasiscominghohoho · 21/08/2022 15:06

He should be allowed to take his kids to his mums.

MarshaMelrose · 21/08/2022 15:07

Legally grandparents have no right to see their grandchild in the UK

I understand that legally grandparents don't have a right to see their grandchildren. However, your children have the moral right to have a relationship with their grandparents. You're depriving them of having a wider family network because you didn't have the sense to finish with a guy that you knew was a liar and a waste of space before you'd evengiven birth to your first child.
You've made unfortunate choices. We've all done that - it just so happens that the outcome of yours is a life long tying to a useless lump and his family. And now you have to do best by your children, and ensuring that they have as many people in their life to love them is one of those things.

FlyingSaucerss · 21/08/2022 15:08

So was this some casual relationship then if you never knew he was lying about all this stuff? How did you not know? So both pregnancies was unplanned?