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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and female work colleague

80 replies

Anonladyx · 21/08/2022 02:08

I don’t know what I’m really looking for here but I just wanted some of your opinions on this situation. Sorry in advance for any spelling/punctuation errors! This is a long one.

Married to DH for 14 years now and we have 2 children together, DH is 45 and I’m 42. DH has a busy job, and he works long hours but luckily does get weekends of. These past 12 months our relationship has gone very much down hill. He comes home and hardly speaks to me and the kids, he gets very agitated and snappy easily with both me and the kids, doesn’t do anything to help around the house, sex life has completely disappeared which is a major red flag as he has a high sex drive ‘when confronted he blamed it on him getting older and not feeling it as much anymore’ the only thing he seems to get joy out of is going to work and talking about work. He makes a lot more of an effort nowadays with his appearance, brought a lot of new fancy suits for work and even started up the gym a couple of months ago and has gotten into quite good shape. Reading all that back now does seem like a massive red flag but it’s all happened so slowly that I didn’t really think anything of it.

Earlier on this evening DH was in the bathroom upstairs leaving his phone beside me on the couch when a few notifications pinged up from Facebook, I couldn’t see much as his phone has a passcode on but did see this woman’s name pop up a few times. I went onto his Facebook profile on my own phone and decided to look up this woman out of pure curiosity as I’ve never heard him mention her before. Found out this woman is 25 and works alongside DH at work, she has done a lot of interacting with DH on Facebook, liking photos, statues and commenting etc ‘but nothing I would say was inappropriate’ I didn’t really think anything of it as DH does have quite a few work colleagues on his Facebook who he interacts with but something did feel of about this situation so I decided to check his Instagram, little insider DH’s Instagram is very much private, he tends to only follow family and close friends on there until I found he follows this woman which I found very weird. He’s liked pretty much all of her pictures and vice versa, a lot of her pictures are revealing ‘cleavage etc’ which makes me sick to my stomach knowing DH is liking them. Apart from the social media interactions I can’t find out any more information as I don’t know the passcode to his phone.

Of course I’m very upset about this whole situation and can’t think straight at the moment:( I’m writing this at nearly 2am on a morning as I can’t sleep. The woman in question is absolutely beautiful which did make me think surely someone like her, at her age wouldn’t want to go for my 45 year old husband. Should I ask him what’s going on or would you wait until I find out more information? I know I sound very naive but I’ve never been in this type of situation before and I feel heartbroken. Do you think I’m overreacting or would you feel the same way I’m feeling? Help please

OP posts:
jessielou1 · 21/08/2022 02:14

No I think your feelings are justified . Why does he have a passcode which you don't know on his phone ?
I would feel just the same a you are x

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 02:16

Sorry op, but there's a LOT of smoke here. I see the beginnings of The Script.

Any blinders you may still have on need to be taken off.

PawsAndReflection · 21/08/2022 02:23

Yes this is basically a parade of red flags- he sounds awful! Do you have some real life support?

PawsAndReflection · 21/08/2022 02:24

And trust me, she has no interest in a long term thing with your husband but that doesn't mean she can't enjoy the flirtation and the knowledge he's attracted to her despite being married.

Original poster
Anonladyx · 21/08/2022 02:25

Thank you for replying so early on a morning! I think I definitely do have rose tinted glasses on at the minute

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonladyx · 21/08/2022 02:27

Thank you for replying so early on a morning x

The passcodes have always been a thing, never really wanted access to his phone so wasn’t really bothered about not knowing the code up until now unfortunately

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 21/08/2022 02:29

Forget about the work colleague. She isn't important.
The issue is your DH is withdrawing at home and in your relationship. That's what you need to address.

Blue4YOU · 21/08/2022 02:34

OP - you do know what is going on. He’s definitely trying it on. Ignore the work on your relationship posts because some people like to think it’s up to you to address the issues- it’s both of you who should be addressing issues- together.
But you know he won’t and you know why

Darhon · 21/08/2022 08:24

You’re on the money about the work colleague. I’m not suggesting it is currently an affair or would be one but he’s withdrawn and possibly wants it to be (it’s a huge age gap so is unlikely to develop into a lasting relationship). I bought my dp’s clothes for decades when he suddenly started buying his own. It was also a huge age gap and it didn’t last beyond a year. Who is your most trusted friend? Tell them this week a day get support in place. Do you work?

SweetSakura · 21/08/2022 08:28

Yes. If it's not an affair then he wants it to be. I'm sorry.

SweetSakura · 21/08/2022 08:31

At a similar moment, I just told DH I needed him to let me look through his phone and he needed to give it to me now.

In fairness to him,.he did hand it over, and I looked through everything. Emails (sent, junk etc) WhatsApp messages, Facebook messages etc.

You don't want to give any advance notice or they will delete the lot

DuckDuckNo · 21/08/2022 08:38

AlexandriasWindmill · 21/08/2022 02:29

Forget about the work colleague. She isn't important.
The issue is your DH is withdrawing at home and in your relationship. That's what you need to address.

This old canard. The reason he is withdrawing at home and in their relationship is because he is using his time and energy on the work colleague.

Hillsidehigh · 21/08/2022 08:41

I’m also going through this at the moment op, be prepared for a whole lot of bullshit and minimising. DM me if you want to talk x

notlongtoo · 21/08/2022 08:50

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Riverlee · 21/08/2022 08:51

Lots of classic red flag signals there - sprucing himself up, reduced sex drive, moodiness etc.

I ‘like’ things all the time on friends profiles - doesn’t always mean anything. Could just means he wants to stay in the loop, and as you said, they seemed fairly harmless.

However, putting everything together, it’s not looking good. Can you feign an excuse to borrow dh’s phone to ‘look something up’, and then have a sneak peek. If you take him off guard, he may give you the password, or log you in without thinking.

Is he always where he says he is? Ie. The gym. Maybe start showing an interest in going with him, and see what his reaction is.

Sorry, it’s not looking good.

SusanPill · 21/08/2022 08:52

@notlongtoo Confused

AverageJoan · 21/08/2022 08:57

SusanPill · 21/08/2022 08:52

@notlongtoo Confused

I agreeConfused

ShirleyJackson · 21/08/2022 08:57

notlongtoo

Why did you write that? If it was a joke, it wasn’t funny.

If it wasn’t, you need a long hard think.

PrettyPrim · 21/08/2022 08:58

@notlongtoo what the hell are you talking about?

Whataretheodds · 21/08/2022 08:59

Are you getting time to exercise without the kids, and buy yourself nice new outfits?

If not, do - this week. It'll be much easier to decide how to tackle this if you're feeling good about yourself and have been getting your heart rate up and working up a sweat. Does different things to your brain.

WoozieFloozie · 21/08/2022 09:01

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Wtf! This is a joke, right?

CornishGem1975 · 21/08/2022 09:01

None of what you have said necessarily means anything physical has happened so I wouldn't immediately jump to that conclusion - sex drive for instance - in a lot of cases when there's an affair it goes the other way as there is a degree of overcompensating but I do think you need to address the issues with your husband head on.

Even if it's just a flirtation, his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable so it needs to stop.

Oodie29 · 21/08/2022 09:07

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I really don't recommend this. I was desperate enough at one stage of my marriage to try "seduce" my husband, and it was mortifying and humiliating to have him reject me, and blame me, as he was only interested in his affair partner. It destroyed my self respect too as he was treating me like shit at the time, and I hated myself for responding like that. This is the "pick me dance", it doesn't work. Just makes you feel even more shit.

Oodie29 · 21/08/2022 09:10

And I think it does sound like more than a flirtation, I'd prepare myself to uncover an affair, eventually. He will of course lie and minimize. But everything you've said sounds like an affair to me. Especially him not having sex with you, he doesn't want to be disloyal to her. Sorry, I've been there.

Fuckitydoodah · 21/08/2022 09:13

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Wow what words of wisdom. Off I go to bin my skanky white knickers. I wonder if DH will ravish me if I ask him to rub some £1 radox shower gel on my back with my pink shower puff thingy.

OP I suspect this is a case of her liking being liked and him having a midlife crisis. Don't jump to the affair conclusion yet but he certainly needs a reality check and you both need to have a chat about things.