DH and female work colleague

[Anonladyx]

I don’t know what I’m really looking for here but I just wanted some of your opinions on this situation. Sorry in advance for any spelling/punctuation errors! This is a long one.

Married to DH for 14 years now and we have 2 children together, DH is 45 and I’m 42. DH has a busy job, and he works long hours but luckily does get weekends of. These past 12 months our relationship has gone very much down hill. He comes home and hardly speaks to me and the kids, he gets very agitated and snappy easily with both me and the kids, doesn’t do anything to help around the house, sex life has completely disappeared which is a major red flag as he has a high sex drive ‘when confronted he blamed it on him getting older and not feeling it as much anymore’ the only thing he seems to get joy out of is going to work and talking about work. He makes a lot more of an effort nowadays with his appearance, brought a lot of new fancy suits for work and even started up the gym a couple of months ago and has gotten into quite good shape. Reading all that back now does seem like a massive red flag but it’s all happened so slowly that I didn’t really think anything of it.

Earlier on this evening DH was in the bathroom upstairs leaving his phone beside me on the couch when a few notifications pinged up from Facebook, I couldn’t see much as his phone has a passcode on but did see this woman’s name pop up a few times. I went onto his Facebook profile on my own phone and decided to look up this woman out of pure curiosity as I’ve never heard him mention her before. Found out this woman is 25 and works alongside DH at work, she has done a lot of interacting with DH on Facebook, liking photos, statues and commenting etc ‘but nothing I would say was inappropriate’ I didn’t really think anything of it as DH does have quite a few work colleagues on his Facebook who he interacts with but something did feel of about this situation so I decided to check his Instagram, little insider DH’s Instagram is very much private, he tends to only follow family and close friends on there until I found he follows this woman which I found very weird. He’s liked pretty much all of her pictures and vice versa, a lot of her pictures are revealing ‘cleavage etc’ which makes me sick to my stomach knowing DH is liking them. Apart from the social media interactions I can’t find out any more information as I don’t know the passcode to his phone.

Of course I’m very upset about this whole situation and can’t think straight at the moment:( I’m writing this at nearly 2am on a morning as I can’t sleep. The woman in question is absolutely beautiful which did make me think surely someone like her, at her age wouldn’t want to go for my 45 year old husband. Should I ask him what’s going on or would you wait until I find out more information? I know I sound very naive but I’ve never been in this type of situation before and I feel heartbroken. Do you think I’m overreacting or would you feel the same way I’m feeling? Help please

I know that some others will think “fuck that” to this piece of advice, but actually I think it’s a good point.

Definitely someone practising the Mills & Boon pitch.

One of the fitness dudes I follow has a very much younger wife, which helps him promote his channel to his usual demographic, which is not me!

This stinks of script. Definitely find the website and read up, so you are forearmed. I'd not confront him now as it will get you nowhere (may be in the EA affair/one-way only stage) but ducks very much in formation and ready to fly.

He's definitely on the lookout for an affair.

I wouldn’t ask him. I would figure out his passcode by watching him input it. I would then look for the evidence

Yeah because men only have affairs because their wives don't wear nice underwear and don't take their time getting undressed?

What decade is this??

Tell him your phone died and ask him to borrow his. Pick it up and ask what his passcode is. If he says no then there's obviously an issue. If he says he'll put it in then say 'I'm not five I can put it in' and look at him expectantly. If he changes the code right after then you know there's an issue.
If he gives it to you you'll then know the code so you can have a look later - but I bet he'll be really guarded about the whole thing and if you push it will get nasty and start making out that you're the issue. So many red flags OP and even if she's not putting out he's obviously loving the chase.

If this is true then my marriage is doomed 😂

this is completely wrong! I agree with previous poster, you should try and figure out his passcode. Just glance over a few times and you’ll be able to figure out the passcode pretty quick , even if it’s just a number at a time. Gather all your evidence through this and then confront him.

If this is true then my marriage is doomed 😂

Funnily enough, I do wear nice underwear and my ex husband still had an affair.
Not sure what that means?🤷🏼‍♀️

Do people use passcodes anymore? Surely fingerprint and face recognition are more common?

Don't follow the advice to just tell him to unlock his phone, he won't do it and then you're just left wondering. Of course he's having an affair, his behaviour is classic. The way he's treating you is horrid anyway.

❤️

It means if somebody is going to cheat they’ll do it, it isn’t anyone else’s fault.

What @Staynow said 👍

If he isn’t actually arrived, he’s circling for landing. I’m afraid you can’t rely on the woman in question rejecting him, his adoration is costing her nothing.

I think you need to sit down with a notebook and write down all the positives in your relationship, and all the negatives. Do the same with the two scenarios of staying together and splitting up.

it may sound a bit cold, but it is often very helpful to look as rationally as possible at your situation. If nothing else, you will be better prepared when / if the situation escalates into him owning up or moving out.

good luck , I understand how ghastly you feel. There is actually a physical fight/flight reaction in these circumstances. Try to eat well and get some calming exercise, you need to keep yourself well physically to cope with stress.

xxxx

It means if somebody is going to cheat they’ll do it, it isn’t anyone else’s fault.

Exactly.

OP I hope you get some answers soon ❤️

What the fuck have I just read @notlongtoo ? You're basically laying the blame at OP's door in the event her husband is having an affair.

The answer to a husband being disloyal is not 'wear sexier pants'. Christ almighty.

🙄 Farkin' hell, you Tosser.

So HE is misbehaving and somehow the entire responsibility is on HER?!

I think your DH may be a bit bored at home and a bit infatuated with this woman, but might not actually be having an affair.

Also, Instagram filters can make people look soooo much more attractive than they really are, so don't worry about that.

There's no reason, I think, that you can't turn this around.

This is nonsense, plenty of men find older women more attractive. MILF is one of the most popular searches on porn sites.

Yes and do be sure to greet him with a blow job and dinner on the table every evening OP.

And when you clean, because that's a lady's duty even if she works too (as a man with a Very Important Job shouldn't lower himself to such menial work, the poor lamb) only do so in a French maid's outfit so as not to upset him with your appearance as an actual person living a real life.

🙄

@Maymaymay 'One of' maybe, but I would put good money on the fact these searches are dwarfed by clicks on young women. I got the feeling like a lot of men would see me as over the hill by the time I was 25 to be honest, and definitely by the time I was 30. Sad.

Actually, I wasn't really sad that those types of men weren't into me any more 😅Just a bit symapthetic towards women who end up with men with such narrow ideas of sexual attractiveness, as we all get old don't we.

"MILF is one of the most popular searches on porn sites"

That's not because they find them attractive it's because they get off on power

Well the rollercoaster begins.

Quiet peaceful life is going to be obliterated, one way or another.

Your husband is a fool, keep that in mind. Sounds like he's been having some fun at your expense but the majority of these men believe the little woman at home will forgive anything.
I really don't know what to suggest, looking on his phone, trying to find evidence, he will probably already cottoned on that you are on to him, he's been waiting for you to question his pulling away.
His annoyance with you and critism was him trying to act as normally as possible if that makes sense, he thinks if he comes in skipping and all happy you will definitly be suspicious.

It's like a game, how long can I keep her in the dark. How shall I act today ?

Well it's crunch time, does he want her more than you, can he have her, does he still want you and the family, is he terrified of losing half his money, all these questions that will be going through his head. Can I still cake eat, can I still deny, cheat and lie and can I cope with destroying the mental health of the mother of my children.

Personally if had I my time again going through that shitstorm, I'd just hire a PI, get evidence and at the same time get as much financial info together and place this at the solicitors before he could begin to hide wealth.

Then I would confront and ask.
He's placing you in a very precarious possition and making your world very unsafe and unstable, any actions you do at this point in, do not make him shame, gaslight or ridicule you into submission. Ignor the waffle, you want facts.

I wish you well, but remember none of this performance has anything to do with love. He has just revealed he is a shallow, selfish bore of a man who has not the capability of being a decent father, husband or moral person.

You are better than him.

@Maymaymay that chart is constructed by OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder. His dating site is known for gathering enormous amounts of information about users.

Whether you think people are searching for Milf or not, I suspect those that are are probably men in their early 20's not 40's and 50's. I'm pretty sure I heard the majority of women being described as a milf in porn are late 20's/early 30's anyway.

All men are different but I expect the majority of older men would be women much younger than them if they could be.