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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and female work colleague

80 replies

Anonladyx · 21/08/2022 02:08

I don’t know what I’m really looking for here but I just wanted some of your opinions on this situation. Sorry in advance for any spelling/punctuation errors! This is a long one.

Married to DH for 14 years now and we have 2 children together, DH is 45 and I’m 42. DH has a busy job, and he works long hours but luckily does get weekends of. These past 12 months our relationship has gone very much down hill. He comes home and hardly speaks to me and the kids, he gets very agitated and snappy easily with both me and the kids, doesn’t do anything to help around the house, sex life has completely disappeared which is a major red flag as he has a high sex drive ‘when confronted he blamed it on him getting older and not feeling it as much anymore’ the only thing he seems to get joy out of is going to work and talking about work. He makes a lot more of an effort nowadays with his appearance, brought a lot of new fancy suits for work and even started up the gym a couple of months ago and has gotten into quite good shape. Reading all that back now does seem like a massive red flag but it’s all happened so slowly that I didn’t really think anything of it.

Earlier on this evening DH was in the bathroom upstairs leaving his phone beside me on the couch when a few notifications pinged up from Facebook, I couldn’t see much as his phone has a passcode on but did see this woman’s name pop up a few times. I went onto his Facebook profile on my own phone and decided to look up this woman out of pure curiosity as I’ve never heard him mention her before. Found out this woman is 25 and works alongside DH at work, she has done a lot of interacting with DH on Facebook, liking photos, statues and commenting etc ‘but nothing I would say was inappropriate’ I didn’t really think anything of it as DH does have quite a few work colleagues on his Facebook who he interacts with but something did feel of about this situation so I decided to check his Instagram, little insider DH’s Instagram is very much private, he tends to only follow family and close friends on there until I found he follows this woman which I found very weird. He’s liked pretty much all of her pictures and vice versa, a lot of her pictures are revealing ‘cleavage etc’ which makes me sick to my stomach knowing DH is liking them. Apart from the social media interactions I can’t find out any more information as I don’t know the passcode to his phone.

Of course I’m very upset about this whole situation and can’t think straight at the moment:( I’m writing this at nearly 2am on a morning as I can’t sleep. The woman in question is absolutely beautiful which did make me think surely someone like her, at her age wouldn’t want to go for my 45 year old husband. Should I ask him what’s going on or would you wait until I find out more information? I know I sound very naive but I’ve never been in this type of situation before and I feel heartbroken. Do you think I’m overreacting or would you feel the same way I’m feeling? Help please

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 21/08/2022 09:15

@notlongtoo I hid behind a cushion reading that 👀

TokyoTen · 21/08/2022 09:15

I dont think you should ask him outright about her at the moment. He will just deny. Could you instead say that you have felt your relationship with him is a bit distant at the moment and what could you both do to help this. Then watch his face. In the meantime I'd prepare for the worse (gather any money you can, pics if his pension fund statements/payslips etc).

Herejustforthisone · 21/08/2022 09:15

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Have you lost your fucking mind?

HereIfYouNeedMe · 21/08/2022 09:16

@Fuckitydoodah haha

Hillsidehigh · 21/08/2022 09:16

And do not do the ‘pick me’ dance another poster has mentioned !

Grumpypants78 · 21/08/2022 09:17

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You're OPs husband aren't you

Tamworthian · 21/08/2022 09:22

Grumpypants78 · 21/08/2022 09:17

You're OPs husband aren't you

Show quote history

I’m picturing an older man more like one in the Jackie Weaver video, rubbing his hands together before heading to the pub to annoy the bar staff and female customers.

MsTSwift · 21/08/2022 09:23

I used to work in these stressed corporate environments it can be very bonding and affairs between powerful older men and younger adoring staff did happen. My flatmate in my twenties was having an affair with her boss he used to visit our flat with his (third) baby to give his wife a break. 🙄😔. Was awful. The whole family suddenly emigrated I wondered if that was the wife’s doing.

PrettyPrim · 21/08/2022 09:24

@Tamworthian yes!!!

Asurvivor · 21/08/2022 09:26

Suggest you ignore the message from @PawsAndReflection to trust them that she is too young for your dh and will not want a serious relationship with him. Think this is really bad advice.

If (and you don’t know that of course) but if there is something going on between them, the age gap is immaterial. Over the last few years, I’ve seen several male colleagues leave their wives for much younger women (20-30 year age gaps) and those relationships seem to be lasting. Also my divorced female friends look for men their own age, while their ex-husbands are dating much younger women. Seems to be more and more common.

There are some red flags in your post and I think you’ll get some good advice from other posters here.

Afterfire · 21/08/2022 09:30

Asurvivor · 21/08/2022 09:26

Suggest you ignore the message from @PawsAndReflection to trust them that she is too young for your dh and will not want a serious relationship with him. Think this is really bad advice.

If (and you don’t know that of course) but if there is something going on between them, the age gap is immaterial. Over the last few years, I’ve seen several male colleagues leave their wives for much younger women (20-30 year age gaps) and those relationships seem to be lasting. Also my divorced female friends look for men their own age, while their ex-husbands are dating much younger women. Seems to be more and more common.

There are some red flags in your post and I think you’ll get some good advice from other posters here.

Agree.

45 isn’t old. Plenty of 25 year olds would be very interested in a relationship with a 45 year old. I’m 42 and my dh is a lot younger than me. Age is a funny thing because in a relationship it really doesn’t matter. Don’t be naive to assume she isn’t genuinely keen.

It sounds like he’s emotionally checked out of the relationship. If he wants to stay he’s going to have to cut contact with her completely - change jobs if necessary and really make an effort. Only he can decide to do that.

Dont do the pick me dance.

NiceTwin · 21/08/2022 09:34

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This is hilarious 😂😂

MsRosley · 21/08/2022 09:35

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This is some of the worst advice I've read on here in a long time. This isn't a game of 'pick me', ffs. It's not a woman's job to constantly seduce her husband into fidelity.

MsTSwift · 21/08/2022 09:41

Yeah Dh road cycling club is full of late 40 early 50 something successful men with second wives from mid twenties / early thirties. So naive to think she won’t be interested sorry.

Dh does internally snigger when they are moaning on about going back to the baby / toddler stage though! The second wives all want babies.

HeythereDelilah101 · 21/08/2022 09:44

Sit him down, tell him your concerns, ask to look at his phone. If he says no, makes a big deal of it, he’s 100% very guilty… if he lets you look, and you find nothing else, maybe it hasn’t gone too far and you can sort this, although he is still in the wrong!

Malad · 21/08/2022 09:49

Doesn’t look great based on what you have said so far. Classic age for the mid life crisis too.

Adversity · 21/08/2022 09:55

@Fuckitydoodah radox shower gel my goodness how brazen, thanks for light relief in what is actually a very upsetting thread.

There are so many threads like this op, it is a pathetic mid life crisis and the script is played out so often. Just waiting for the I love you but I’m not in love with you bullshit spin when confronted.

There is getting to the nitty gritty and finding out if it’s an emotional or physical affair, neither acceptable but you may never know the actual truth.

I would look at your finances, do not confront until you have a handle on this. As soon as you let a suspicion slip he will hide stuff.

When I was 21 my then boss made a pass at me, he was about 42. I was repulsed so I have personally never understood it, he was old enough to be my Dad which seriously creeped me out.

JubileeTissues · 21/08/2022 09:55

"Try whispering in his ear that you are wearing just a front opening blouse and a skirt, and let him confirm, if it is possible, as soon as possible.."

😂

lafado · 21/08/2022 09:58

@MsTSwift that doesn't surprise me at all, this graph shows the age of women that men find the most attractive, as they age. No matter what age a man is they find a woman in their early 20's the most attractive. So I can see the appeal of reliving their early 20's again, but all they end up doing is starting a second family and replaying the life they just had again.

DH and female work colleague
Cognacsoft · 21/08/2022 10:02

Try whispering in his ear that you are wearing just a front opening blouse and a skirt, and let him confirm, if it is possible, as soon as possible.

😂
I read that in a Dorian voice!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/08/2022 10:05

You could say you have reason to believe he's having an affair, don't say what but you'd like to look through his phone. If he refuses then say you will have to look at couple's counselling or splitting up. He'll be having the DC 50% of the time. Hopefully this might give him a jolt into seeing what he would lose and the reality of the situation. At the moment he's got you exactly where he wants you, stuck at home with the children while he swans about at the gym and buying new clothes, fuck that!

GypsyWanderer · 21/08/2022 10:07

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Having been cheated on in the past as well as witnessing my own dad blow the family apart and destroy a 30 year marriage for another woman, reading this made me feel deeply sad.

Campervangirl · 21/08/2022 10:10

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You need to go back to the 1950s where you belong 🤬
The op thinks her H is having an affair / attachment with an ow and you suggest she entices him back sexually, skimpy knickers and flashing her cleavage at him 🙄
Ffs I've finally seen it all now

rainbowstardrops · 21/08/2022 10:11

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🤣
Have we gone back to the 50's?!!!

MrsLeBouef · 21/08/2022 10:17

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You forgot to say " have his dinner on the table at 6pm every night"!