I’m going to tell DH I want to separate. Needed to tell someone!

[User0610134057]

Not sure how or exactly when but have recently had moment of clarity that I’m unhappy and can’t do this anymore: got close to it in 2019 but then with covid and everything… things were better between us. But now here we are and I still feel the same.

Mumsnet has been part of the process and I’ve posted about DH many times over the years under different usernames. I wasn’t ready to make the leap then but somehow I am now. Am terrified but know I can do it, and there will be a horrible time while everything is sorted out, but in the end will be for the best.

im very afraid of telling him and desperately hoping he can see that too.

have been over and over it in my head. We are lucky in that lifestyle will obviously change but there is enough equity in the house for us to both get somewhere big enough. I couldn’t afford the bills and upkeep on the current place myself and wouldn’t want to stay there.

i know it will be disruptive for our 3 Dc (7,11,14) and this is what’s held me back, but they notice things and have made comments recently: it’s part of what has tipped me over.

just don’t know when and how to do it: don’t know what his reaction will be and am scared. Should I arrange for Dc to have a sleepover so they don’t hear if things get heated? Shall I tell someone I’m doing it in case he gets very angry? I’m acutely aware it’s massive and I’ve had time to get used to the idea and he hasn’t:

although it’s unbelievable as he hardly says two words to me ever, and avoids family life in every way possible, previous conversations have suggested he seems to think all is ok.
he’s also started to say things like ‘don’t ever leave me’ and ‘you’re not allowed to leave me’ when we’ve been in bed.

@User0610134057 im further down the line and it sucks massively especially as my ExOH is laying it on thick currently but I gradually feel more free each day. I have dared myself to feel hopeful about the future…stay strong. If this is what you want it will be ok.

Im right there with you

Thank you @Narwhalelife , am with you too. Was wondering how you were getting on.

@User0610134057

how are you doing?

Hi @Narwhalelife I’m ok thank you, feeling strong most of the time.
am just feeling under so much emotional pressure:
we have counselling lined up for week after next but he just keeps veering between being v optimistic, slightly in denial about it being ok and us sorting out, to crying and saying he can’t cope. Also saying things like how it would help him if I could come back to the bed (I haven’t) and keeping asking me if I will give us a chance, if there’s still something there etc. am just trying to say we’ll talk it through at counselling but it’s very difficult. Need to keep him from being nasty and I think he needs a sliver of hope to get through, and hopefully the time will give him a chance to get used to the idea it might not be fixable.
i started another thread here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4624295-can-anyone-share-stories-of-separatingdivorcing-when-other-party-didnt-want-towas-devastated-will-it-get-better?reply=119683742

im seeing even more than before how he’s quite controlling/not used to not getting what he wants and how hard I find it to go against him.

just keep dreaming of having my own place with the kids. My eldest dd is kind of spurring me on and saying she thinks it would be better for us too and I mustn’t give in and need to do what makes me happy.

I hope things are ok for you
I find I get waves of panic/anxiety if I think about the future so need to take it one day at a time

Short term future that is - thinking about the long term future once I’m out the other side helps me

@User0610134057 i absolutely know the feelings and occasionally I still get waves of anxiety but on the whole I just think back to how anxious and suffocated I felt in the relationship and now the world is my oyster. I also have a teenage DD who is spurring me on. Kinda dreading her going back to school on Monday as she has been here to keep me going.

counselling is a great idea.

I’m staying in our house so I’m looking forward to decorating our/my bedroom as it never got done when we were decorating so hoping that gives me something to look forward to!

It really is one minute, hour, day at a time. But gradually it improves.

My ex has moved out and that was a bit gutting when it happened (he moved everything out whilst I was on holiday with DD) he didn’t say he would but that’s what he did. So odd to come home to empty wardrobes etc but it’s actually better now.

Ah I’m so envious
i would love him to move out but we’re not at that stage yet. I feel suffocated as he wants to be around me and talk a lot.
(ironically - since not ever instigating any conversation was one of the issues).
he’s started going back into work now thankfully so I feel I can breathe at home when he’s not here but dreading the weekend

Problem is we will need to sell the house. Will be enough for us both to get something decent but I couldn’t buy him out and I wouldn’t be able to afford the bills here, plus it hasn’t been a happy house for me so would like a fresh start

@User0610134057 I hope you're ok? Things are a bit one dimensional in here at times, people see a bit of your situation they relate to and they extrapolate that. I see why you needed to step away. People don't know what he's put you through, or all the times you tried to fix things. The only reason this could be a shock to him is that he never really listened to you, not once out of all those times you tried to talk to him about the issues in your relationship and how that relationship was hurting you. He didn't care enough to try and fix things and he only wants to try now (if he actually does) because now his behaviour is effecting him, it's still all about him getting what he wants.

Don't step back into that toxic relationship because of misplaced guilt. He's not capable of being the partner you need, if he was you wouldn't be trying to end things while trying not to hurt him much. That's kind of impossible, false hope is worse then non at all. Tell him the truth that you want to use the therapy sessions to work out how you seperate and how you can both minimise the impact this has on the DC.

Thank you @LunaAndHerMoonDragons I’m doing ok. He has calmed down although still very emotional. I’m still feeling under a lot of pressure from him but we have done a lot of talking and in amongst that he has said how much he wants me to give us another try, but also has said that if I decide not to he will have to accept that somehow. That’s in some moments, other moments he just says that we have to work it out, and I have to find a way.
we have counselling coming up next week.
i have promised him I’ll think about it and I am, he is definitely being more insightful than I thought he could be and is acknowledging some of where he’s gone wrong.
in my heart of hearts I’m still not sure and still think I know what I want.

i feel like I’ve been underwater and am near the surface, can see the surface. And if I say ok then let’s try again I’m getting dragged back under. I can never go through this again, I don't think I’d be brave enough a second time.

i feel like I’ve been underwater and am near the surface, can see the surface. And if I say ok then let’s try again I’m getting dragged back under. I can never go through this again, I don't think I’d be brave enough a second time.
@User0610134057 that doesn't sound like trying again will do anything for you except hurt you. There's a point when it's too late, if you've reached that point there's nothing anyone can do to change that. Do you actually want to try again or do you just feel like you should?

I'm scared of telling H I'm done, I'm scared of his reaction, I'm scared of having to do it on my own, even though I pretty much am now, but when I think of staying, of trying again I feel despair. When I think of after, once we're out the other side of divorce it just being me and the kids, feeling peaceful in my own home, not having to deal with his moods, that's what I want.

I could’ve written your second paragraph
and despite it all I am so so glad I said something. I’m trying to focus on being out the other side, it will happen and it could for you too x x x

Could you clearly state to the counsellor in an email that whilst he wants you to stay, you want counselling to separate amicably and putting the children first.
It isn't recommended to have therapy with an abusive person either and you are afraid of him and he's been violent (punching doors/walls) before.

Tell him that for you, trying again was done over covid as you requested counselling before covid and he refused to go.

You can also say that you need him to move out to the annexe or further and give you space as you've been with him since 21 and want to discover who you are. That it isn't about him and you need time to miss him if there is to be any hope and he is smothering you right now.

Since you have an annexe, can you start alternating weekends you are responsible for the kids now?

It is very telling that instead of begging you to stay, the 14 yr old is begging you to go.

It might be best to move out with the kids now to a short term rental of 6-12 months so you are separate whilst selling the house and can create a happy safe home for them now.
Ring the holiday people and tell them that you are separating and definitely do not want to cancel the booking in case he gets vindictive and tries. That a note be made he can cancel himself only.
You've done the hardest part. Keep up the momentum and get the life you want to live, happy and free.

Thank you @glitterfarts ❤️
feeling strong today

I will think about everything you’ve suggested.
re. the kids - I did suggest he might like to do something with them Saturday just gone but he wanted us to go out altogether. I wonder if actually he doesn’t like the thought of coping with them by himself or doesn’t feel he can do it.
of course he is very upset at the moment, but the ‘personality transplant’ slipped a bit yesterday and he snapped at our youngest and raised his voice which was unwarranted (she was moaning about being hungry after school).

also later when he was feeling down and had his head in his hands in the kitchen, she saw him and came up and hugged him and he didn’t move or acknowledge her in any way. Was really heartbreaking to see and later I made sure to tell her it was really sweet and I knew daddy appreciated it

Coming in late to this, but have been reading. Horrible position to be in OP, but you have taken the first steps out of the hole.

A few thoughts on possible responses to his emotional outpourings, (while still keeping your eye on your future freedom).

I understand it's painful for you, but that feeling will eventually pass.

I understand you're sad about this, but this is the way it needs to be.

I know you're really sad about this, and so am I, AND we will both recover.

and how about when he's angry and threatening and saying it's going to get messy -

I know you're angry, AND I'm sure you will still want to put the dcs welfare high on your list when making decisions.

Obviously I don't know him, so have no idea whether these will help, but just thinking starting with a validation of whatever it is he's saying, while not being sucked in to going round the houses with him... or arguing the toss, nor stepping in to rescue, or solve, might be the way.

Best of luck

Op. It is fkng wonderful getting rid of the egg shells. It'll be the best thing you ever do.

Thank you all ❤️
needed to read that today
so looking forward to a life without eggshells

Grab onto the light with both hands! They really do try and throw anything out there to get you to change your mind. Mine even came out and said "How DARE you?". I'm sure it was a genuine shock to him, as it was to your dh, but that doesn't make you the asshole. It makes him clueless.