I’m going to tell DH I want to separate. Needed to tell someone!

[User0610134057]

Not sure how or exactly when but have recently had moment of clarity that I’m unhappy and can’t do this anymore: got close to it in 2019 but then with covid and everything… things were better between us. But now here we are and I still feel the same.

Mumsnet has been part of the process and I’ve posted about DH many times over the years under different usernames. I wasn’t ready to make the leap then but somehow I am now. Am terrified but know I can do it, and there will be a horrible time while everything is sorted out, but in the end will be for the best.

im very afraid of telling him and desperately hoping he can see that too.

have been over and over it in my head. We are lucky in that lifestyle will obviously change but there is enough equity in the house for us to both get somewhere big enough. I couldn’t afford the bills and upkeep on the current place myself and wouldn’t want to stay there.

i know it will be disruptive for our 3 Dc (7,11,14) and this is what’s held me back, but they notice things and have made comments recently: it’s part of what has tipped me over.

just don’t know when and how to do it: don’t know what his reaction will be and am scared. Should I arrange for Dc to have a sleepover so they don’t hear if things get heated? Shall I tell someone I’m doing it in case he gets very angry? I’m acutely aware it’s massive and I’ve had time to get used to the idea and he hasn’t:

although it’s unbelievable as he hardly says two words to me ever, and avoids family life in every way possible, previous conversations have suggested he seems to think all is ok.
he’s also started to say things like ‘don’t ever leave me’ and ‘you’re not allowed to leave me’ when we’ve been in bed.

I do everything on my own with them at the moment, don’t worry am not scared by that in general! Just never done Disney before

he seems to think all is ok.
he’s also started to say things like ‘don’t ever leave me’ and ‘you’re not allowed to leave me

So actually, he doesn't think all is ok.

How do you respond when he says those things? Because even him saying them could be the start of a proper conversation about it.

If you separate before the holiday, does he need to give his permission for you to take the children out of the country if he opts not to accompany you?

My exhausted sounds exactly like yours. First, remember that throwing/hitting things etc. IS violence, designed to scare you. Mine also knew damn well on some level that his behaviour was not acceptable. I went for individual counselling and after the very first session when I got home he said "So when are you going to divorce me?". Bear in mind that even then he didn't choose to work on his behaviour but carried on the abuse. I was beyond terrified to end the marriage but would make the same choice again every time.

Yes, if you can arrange DC to have sleepovers you absolutely should. My eldest was away at a birthday sleepover when I chose to tell my ex, unfortunately my others were too little. Only my counsellor knew beforehand.

Is it DLP you are going to? The queues there are horrendous, but you should be able to trust the 11 and 14yo to queue together for one ride while you queue for different ride, and then agree a meeting place after, or text each other when you are off the ride etc so one group goes to the other? If you do an area at a time you would be in the same part of the park together.

Although really there is no reason why you can't go on most rides together as the 7yo would be over the height limits there. I appreciate that not everyone might like rollercoasters or whatever. When DD wanted to go on BTM and I didn't, I went on the riverboat ride while she queued and met her when she got off BTM (1.5 hours later..., thankfully it rained and half the queue left so then she got on twice in a row no problem ).

Obviously only you know your kids and how well they get on or can be trusted etc.

This sounds really similar to my situation last year.

Epiphany in August that I didn’t have to stay with him any longer but big family holiday planned for October.

I ended up keeping quiet and telling stbxh the day after we got back from the family holiday.

It was extremely difficult for those couple of months. I spent hours in the car staying out the house when the kids were at school trying to avoid him. The holiday would have been much better without him, he didn’t engage at all. I was effectively a single parent anyway and did all the activities without him. The kids really enjoyed the holiday though and I don’t know how they would have felt going on our own so soon after separating.

I think the reality is that there is never a good time. I had a huge amount of angst at dropping the bombshell just before prelim exams, fuelled by stbxh guilt tripping me, but I couldn’t keep going any longer.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

p.s. 1 year on I am extremely happy living on my own with the kids who ended up doing really well in their exams 🤷‍♀️

A different approach on this OP, but have you asked him to go to Relate or similar couple counselling together? If he realised his current disengagement was a big problem could he change and could you then see any possible future with him that could work?

I would try that route first if you think you could.

I used to be a divorce lawyer (changed career over a decade ago) and have seen the massive fallout from divorces for many, especially when there are children many many times. I never felt there were many winners tbh.

I would just try other routes first if you think there is anything that could work - esp given you said things actually went better during lockdown. It sounds like he works long and hard days and is potentially exhausted if he's earning that kind of money. Could he cut down to part time and have more time for you and family? Could that be the root issue?

I was in a similar situation last year OP. A switch flipped after our holiday last August and I knew I didn't want to keep doing this to myself. Initially thought I couldn't afford to separate but got some advise and realised I could afford a bigger mortgage than I'd thought. By that point it was November so put it off until after Christmas.

Then it dragged, I kept finding excuses until it got to early April and he started talking about a holiday in May half term and I knew I couldn't bear the thought.

Sat down in the living room one day after dinner, daughter upstairs. And just said "can we talk?", he turned the TV off and I said "I can't do this anymore", he said "do what?" And i replied "be married".

He agreed and pretty much straight away suggested he find somewhere to rent. It was late May when he moved out, and that was awful. And there were a couple of difficult moments where he didn't communicate something well and I assumed he was being very spiteful.

But by mid July I felt like a weight had been lifted. I'm so much calmer and I've got the strength now to see this through. To push on with getting the house valued, sorting out the finances and getting divorced.

I felt so much guilt for months over how this would impact our daughter (14). But she has been amazing. She now lives in a house without tension, we do more things together, she's being so mature and I feel that she's happier too.

Personally, I'd do the holiday and then tell him. But use these two months to get yourself sorted. Make a list of everything in the house, a rough second hand value, and what you would want to keep vs what you'd prefer to buy new. Work out how much all the new things are going to cost you. Work out a household budget for you, what can you afford to rent? Do you think he'd agree to move out short term or will you need to live together until house is sold? What childcare arrangements would you want (we do one week each, Friday changeover as he is a 5 minute drive away).

These were all the things I ended up doing in the week before he moved out, and it was really stressful.

Sorry that's long, hope it reassures you that you can do this and it will be better. Yes it's hard initially but now I wish I'd done it years ago. Best wishes to you ❤

We have had chats before and I have asked him to go to counselling - he has refused and told me to go by myself.
i have been on a journey for a few years and do feel now that I can say I did try and did give him opportunity to work with me to make things better.

and you’re right work hours are an issue and covid was good as we spent more time together and felt like a team again (but still things not great; still not ‘feeling it’ in the bedroom etc)
I’d hoped some of the positive changes might stick but here we are back where we were.
yes his job is demanding but it’s hard to know what is non negotiable demand and what is actually his choice.
the point is even when he has the opportunity he doesn’t choose family time.
he was about to go on a 10 day trip away without saying goodbye to the Dc until I prompted him:

@FantasticButtocks last time, we were in bed after sex and when he said ‘don’t ever leave me’ I couldn’t answer so I didn’t say anything, just sort of gave him a pat….
don’t know if it was noted or not.
felt weird like he could read my mind.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus i don’t think so… I have the same surname as the kids so don’t think it would come up but don’t really know

Thank you @realsavagelike, I’m sorry you experienced that too. It doesn’t happen that much but it’s the fear of it and potential for it. The certainty it will happen again.
also in my case the suddenly out of the blue getting very upset about something and giving me silent treatment sometimes for days and I don’t know what I’ve said or done. Have a knot in my stomach and it’s absolutely awful.

Thank you @Namechangeforthe j hope I can be as brave as you.
eldest dc is year 9 so conscious if I wait another year or 2 will be getting into gcse territory.

we’re on holiday at the moment. eldest Dc said today funnily enough that she feels her dad doesn’t know her:

middle one said why is dad always grumpy?

youngest said it’s not just me and <middle> That fight..: <middle> and <eldest> do too and so do you and Dad…

Thank you for sharing your experience @WhatsitWiggle. my eldest dd is 14 too. I think she will understand actually.

we have a big house with big bills that I couldn’t cover myself and I don’t think he’d be able to rent elsewhere. It will need to be sold: but we do have a sort of annexe that perhaps he might stay in so in many ways are in a good position, still not looking forward to those interim months of living together and sad for the Dc they’ll have to move house but kids survive they don’t they: and they’ll all 3 be able to have their own rooms at least.

I am in the same position as you, only my deadline is boxing day.

Go on the Disney holiday as planned and try to make it a wonderful last holiday for your children. In the meantime get all your paperwork sorted, talk to a solicitor and get a provisional house valuation done.

Day after the holiday you tell him. Then activate the divorce petition. Good luck!

@skyeisthelimit yes DLP.
older kids are sensible altho eldest has asd and suspect youngest too (she is the most challenging). But we’re staying at a Disney hotel so that would make it easier in terms of doing the day in a couple of stints

OP, your children know their home is unhappy. Do them all a favour and leave. I grew up in a home like this - I suffer crippling anxiety and have other mental health issues directly related to the ongoing fear of my childhood that my father would erupt into violence - verbal abuse, shouting, banging doors. I only wish my mother had been strong enough to leave

there is no good time - go now.

It does sound like your kids are aware of the tension in the household. They will do well without that and may surprise you.

The annex sounds like a good option so at least there's space whilst you get the house on the market. You can call agents now, get an idea for how long houses your size take to sell. What you don't want is to tell him in October and still be in the house together next March. Could he buy you out of your share perhaps?

@User0610134057 oh yes, my ex was the absolute expert in silent treatment and becoming offended over nothing. And for what it's worth, my teen told me the other day (when we were talking about the separation) that it was one of the best days of her life!

I love your post.

You don't have to decide that right now.

@dontworrybehappy84 i do appreciate the offer thank you but I feel it’s gone past that and I don’t believe he has capacity to change.

i only stayed this long and only would force myself to ‘make it work’/put up with it because sometimes I think I made a bad choice at 21 (when we met, married at 24) but I made that choice and that’s my bed and I have to lie in it.

but that’s no way to live is it.

even without the arguments, angry outbursts. Silent treatment from time to time, I’m really sad to say I don’t enjoy his company. The friendship is not there now. There’s not shared interests or sense of humour. He doesn’t ‘see’ me. I don’t enjoy socialising with him and others.