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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m going to tell DH I want to separate. Needed to tell someone!

119 replies

User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 15:29

Not sure how or exactly when but have recently had moment of clarity that I’m unhappy and can’t do this anymore: got close to it in 2019 but then with covid and everything… things were better between us. But now here we are and I still feel the same.

Mumsnet has been part of the process and I’ve posted about DH many times over the years under different usernames. I wasn’t ready to make the leap then but somehow I am now. Am terrified but know I can do it, and there will be a horrible time while everything is sorted out, but in the end will be for the best.

im very afraid of telling him and desperately hoping he can see that too.

have been over and over it in my head. We are lucky in that lifestyle will obviously change but there is enough equity in the house for us to both get somewhere big enough. I couldn’t afford the bills and upkeep on the current place myself and wouldn’t want to stay there.

i know it will be disruptive for our 3 Dc (7,11,14) and this is what’s held me back, but they notice things and have made comments recently: it’s part of what has tipped me over.

just don’t know when and how to do it: don’t know what his reaction will be and am scared. Should I arrange for Dc to have a sleepover so they don’t hear if things get heated? Shall I tell someone I’m doing it in case he gets very angry? I’m acutely aware it’s massive and I’ve had time to get used to the idea and he hasn’t:

although it’s unbelievable as he hardly says two words to me ever, and avoids family life in every way possible, previous conversations have suggested he seems to think all is ok.
he’s also started to say things like ‘don’t ever leave me’ and ‘you’re not allowed to leave me’ when we’ve been in bed.

OP posts:
NewJobSoNewName · 30/08/2022 11:30

@User0610134057 - will PM you x

Selfesteem22 · 30/08/2022 11:47

Good luck op

katmarie · 30/08/2022 13:06

OP, only you can know how you feel about this. But it sounds like you have given him lots of information to help him understand how unhappy you have been. I mean in what world does a marriage magically get better when one party asks for counselling, and the other just refuses? That was a clear signal that you were unhappy, and he did nothing, and yet is now surprised about how things have broken down? He's not tried at all to fix things.

It may be that your decision is the wake up call he needed all along. But it seems more likely that he's scrambling to recover the situation far too late. And whatever he says about it being a decision or a discussion, once a person decides they want out of a relationship, then that decision is made, it's not a negotiation. You can negotiate on how the relationship ends and what happens next, but frankly the decision is yours to make as to whether you want to be in the relationship at all.

WhatsitWiggle · 30/08/2022 20:37

His reaction is normal - google "change curve" - shock, denial, anger are the first steps.

He doesn't want his lifestyle to change, but that choice has been taken away from him and he will lash out at you. Even though my DH agreed with me saying we should separate, in the subsequent weeks when he realised the impact on his lifestyle he got quite spiteful. Stay strong OP - the coming weeks will be bumpy but you know you are making the right decision for you and your kids.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/08/2022 20:58

Stay strong Flowers

When you said his job is going badly and he wants to resign, did you know about that before or did he mention it after you said you wanted a divorce? If afterwards then its a form of control.

venusandmars · 30/08/2022 21:48

So his job is going badly, but he never communicates with you - were you supposed to guess?? He is thinking of resigning but hasn't even spoken to you about it - that is such a selfish approach. Or is this just his convenient excuse for why things have been difficult lately?

He deosen't talk to you, but neither does he listen (and PS, both talking and listening are essential components of communication between a couple!). You've told him that things are not right, you've suggested counselling. He has heard you but he has not LISTENED. Not listened to what you are telling him about the state of your marriage, not listened to how you are feeling.

You can listen to him, you can have discussions over the weekend, but from a very distant perspective I can't see how this could work. Sorry.

Original poster
User0610134057 · 31/08/2022 07:50

Thank you everyone
I need support
yesterday he was v upbeat because I’d given a sliver of hope
i then slept in another room said I needed space
he brought me a coffee this morning
we chatted a bit, I said something like ‘I just want you to be okay’
then he cried again, then said he can see it in my eyes I’m not coming back
more tears
then started to say things like he’s not sure he can cope with it, what’s the point, needs to make sure the girls and I are okay….

he’s so genuinely devastated but also somewhere inside I thought he’s trying everything isn’t he

if I changed my mind at this point it would be because of his reaction and how devastated he is. That wouldn’t be right would it. But I feel so so so awful. He said I’m taking away the one thing he thought he could count on.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 31/08/2022 07:52

I did know the job was particularly bad at the moment but tbh he has had issues at work and threatened to walk out many times.
i feel awful about the timing but I also thought if he’s making decisions about new jobs and might get offers in Europe etc then he should know all the facts

he now says works been bad for years and the only reason he stayed was for me and the family. But I said many a time he didn’t have to do it. We could move house have a different lifestyle. His whole thing is that he’s been how he is because of work stress, but I think it’s more a personality thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 31/08/2022 08:01

Am I being incredibly selfish
I probably could’ve kept pretending
it’s so awful to do this to another person

OP posts:
Namechanged454 · 31/08/2022 08:12

Stick to your guns, I tried leaving my STBXH so many times but the devastation I'd see on his face, the crying, the promises, the lack of hope for his life going forward broke me every single time. He'd say everything he could to keep me from leaving, until one day I just did it. Yes it was hard hearing all the sob stories, but I kept hold of the fact that this was his doing for all of them years. He was in a new relationship 5 months later, after telling me he could never love again 😂

velvetvixen · 31/08/2022 08:16

Namechanged454 amazing how quickly they move on to the next woman, aint it!

LadyEloise1 · 31/08/2022 08:16

User0610134057 · 30/08/2022 02:31

Well… I did it earlier today
and it was hideous
he’s more shocked, upset and angry than I naively expected.
and has already shown he’s not able to put the kids needs first.
He’s also told me it’s ‘going to be messy’ and that I will have to move but the kids can stay in this house, and that he won’t just let me get care of them, and he’s speaking to a lawyer tomorrow.
i feel so sick to my stomach and can’t sleep.
i desperately hope it’s initial shock and anger, but this man can hold a grudge.

Remember this.
This is who he is.

cardeyscat · 31/08/2022 08:36

Hello,
I haven't read all the comments so forgive me if I am repeating things...
I am 2 years separated after a very very long time knowing my marriage couldn't continue. You are doing the right thing. My entire motivation was to not model a toxic relationship in front of my children. My parents did this and it was brutal. Your needs matter and you will find that doing things alone with your children is so much easier than dragging your husband along, too. You will feel lighter and stronger, I promise. Your children will be happier.
I think that how you word things will be very important. My ex has ASD and if I frame things in a way that will obviously benefit him, conversations are much more productive (I say this because your DH sounds similar). It sounds manipulative but in fact, the process and outcome are more positive for everyone. Be reassuring and don't doubt your decision. You can do this!

cardeyscat · 31/08/2022 08:38

Also, your DH is being emotionally manipulative

quietnightmare · 31/08/2022 08:48

You couldn't keep pretending because if you could then you would have. Don't give in his behaviour will be right back to the disrespectful nature within days. Stay strong OP. You have one life make it a happy one

quietnightmare · 31/08/2022 08:49

Also just thinking if he is seriously sorry and can change then splitting up is not a bad thing it gives him a chance to prove to you that he will be different and you can go from there and if he doesn't prove that to you then you made the right decision

Original poster
User0610134057 · 31/08/2022 10:30

Thank you everyone
when he’s right infront of me in despair and making all these promises it’s so hard but as soon as I’m not with him in the same room I’m so clear what j want.
im trying to be honest but kind.
it’s so important I don’t give him false hope but also need to get through each day and let him work through it
he said everything is falling apart
he has nothing, but I keep saying we have the girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 31/08/2022 10:31

I feel like maybe we could change things round the edge but the central bit wouldn’t be there for me

OP posts:
damnyourdogs · 31/08/2022 10:46

Well he's all about him, isn't he? Saying that 'he has nothing'...not even acknowledging that his 3 children exist!

He should be putting them first, above himself, but as usual he's not. You've said he's got no time for family life, and even when he's with the children he's acting like a cunt...snapping a pencil in half, ooh what a big man to do that to a child!

My parents stayed together a good decade after they should have split. My father also had no time for family life and worked away to avoid it for most of that time. The rare occasions he was with us he made it clear he'd rather be anywhere else and had no interest in us. I was relieved when he finally left.

You need to see all of what he is saying for what it is...emotional manipulation. He's got no intention of jacking his job in, believe me. He's saying it to punish you for daring to want to leave. Same with all the stupid comments like 'it's going to be messy'...if he gave a rats arse about you or his children he wouldn't be saying shit like that. If the positions were reversed, would you?

Original poster
User0610134057 · 31/08/2022 11:14

No I wouldn’t.
and to say that because he has ‘no friends’ round here he would move to a new area and the children would have to be uprooted and change schools is again not putting them first.

OP posts:
WhatsitWiggle · 31/08/2022 15:11

He's moved pretty quickly from anger to depression on the change curve. He may flip flop between the two for a while, potentially even back to denial "you don't mean it, we're good together". Stay strong, you haven't reached your decision overnight and you've already gone through the grief process - your marriage as it was and as you both hoped it would be doesn't exist.

He doesn't want the status quo to change because he gets more from you than you and the children get from him.

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 15:35

I find it’s very typical of a hurt bloke to say he will fight for custody, but he will soon back down on that, I guarantee. As for you moving out, not if you’re married and you jointly own the house. Who has been main carer for the dc over the years? It would be far easier for him to leave. Hopefully he will see sense and start considering the needs of the dc soon. Stick to your guns, OP, he’s going to react angrily and try to upset you. With luck, he will calm down.

Ariela · 31/08/2022 16:00

You say it feels like he can read your mind (about leaving)
Is he sb;e to log in to read what you are writing about him, and about leaving?

Drinkingpop · 31/08/2022 16:09

You don't have to engage with his histrionics. Save your energy for looking after yourself and DC. Don't feel the need to explain your actions and plans, he will use this knowledge against you.

Original poster
User0610134057 · 31/08/2022 16:11

No that has crossed my mind but I don’t think he would think to look here.

i thought he could read my mind but I asked him about those remarks - when I was saying that I honestly didn’t think it would be such a shock as I didn’t feel I had concealed my unhappiness, and he’d said things like that. But he brushed that off and maintains it’s totally out of the blue for him and he didn’t realise I was unhappy/things weren’t good.

OP posts: