I’m going to tell DH I want to separate. Needed to tell someone!

[User0610134057]

Not sure how or exactly when but have recently had moment of clarity that I’m unhappy and can’t do this anymore: got close to it in 2019 but then with covid and everything… things were better between us. But now here we are and I still feel the same.

Mumsnet has been part of the process and I’ve posted about DH many times over the years under different usernames. I wasn’t ready to make the leap then but somehow I am now. Am terrified but know I can do it, and there will be a horrible time while everything is sorted out, but in the end will be for the best.

im very afraid of telling him and desperately hoping he can see that too.

have been over and over it in my head. We are lucky in that lifestyle will obviously change but there is enough equity in the house for us to both get somewhere big enough. I couldn’t afford the bills and upkeep on the current place myself and wouldn’t want to stay there.

i know it will be disruptive for our 3 Dc (7,11,14) and this is what’s held me back, but they notice things and have made comments recently: it’s part of what has tipped me over.

just don’t know when and how to do it: don’t know what his reaction will be and am scared. Should I arrange for Dc to have a sleepover so they don’t hear if things get heated? Shall I tell someone I’m doing it in case he gets very angry? I’m acutely aware it’s massive and I’ve had time to get used to the idea and he hasn’t:

although it’s unbelievable as he hardly says two words to me ever, and avoids family life in every way possible, previous conversations have suggested he seems to think all is ok.
he’s also started to say things like ‘don’t ever leave me’ and ‘you’re not allowed to leave me’ when we’ve been in bed.

And have a knot in my stomach if I have friends lr family over to our house for example as he can be so rude depending on his mood.

Just do it, before kids go back to school. You’ll be able to go Disney yourself. Good luck. I wouldn’t worry about his birthday , he doesn’t care about you guys. Just get paperwork and money sorted,

Because you have never done Disney before I'm sure the dc are beyond excited.
Mine were.
I'd wait til after you returned from the holiday.
I wouldn't want the Disney holiday tainted by an awful atmosphere and their memories of it completely spoiled. Personally I'd suck it up just so they have this magical holiday.
You've stuck it out this far.
But I'd have my ducks in a row ready for when you return.

My ex was like this with regards to not engaging with the dc, it will affect them massively. A father who takes no interest in their lives is not a good one . For this reason alone I would tell him now and hope he doesn't want to come on the holiday . You will honestly have a much better time without him - no sour face in the morning putting a dampner on the day before it's even started , being grumpy with you for no reason and you pretending all is ok because it's a big holiday the kids are excited about . You will be so much more relaxed and happy without him. Please don't delay - doesn't matter it's a big birthday soon he's an adult it's a birthday it's no massive deal . And were you really going to have a fantastic night away with him celebrating or a big party with him super happy ? I doubt it very much . I felt like a massive weight had lifted when my ex left , the tension in the house just melted away .

Thank you @pumpkinpie01
i obviously wouldn’t ask them but I’m pretty sure the eldest 2 at least would be happier without dh there on holiday.

and it’s true about his birthday, he’s being funny about it and not telling me what he’d like to do for it. We don’t be going away; he doesn’t want friends round, when I’ve suggested a meal or something he just says he doesn’t know.

So it’s not so much about him coming or not, I’d be nervous but j think with tips and stuff I would manage by myself, but just that as someone upthread said I don’t want it to be a tainted experience for them because of inevitable upheaval there might be at home at the time. They are beyond excited as someone said.

I really dont think it will be a tainted experience for them thou , what's he normally like on family holidays ?

"he’s also started to say things like ‘don’t ever leave me’ and ‘you’re not allowed to leave me"

Decent men do not generally say these types of things to their wives. As for his "you're not allowed to leave me" comment who made him King?. He is also not your jailer and you only need to give your own self permission to leave. There is never a "good" time to leave and he remains volatile (I also think you have been afraid of his reaction upon telling him and that has put you off doing this to begin with) but you really do need to rip the plaster off asap rather than keep kicking the can down the road. What you do not want to do is end up going to Disney and or celebrating his birthday or Christmas with him.

Your children are perceptive and likely know far more than perhaps either of you care to realise about the state of your marriage. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here from you both?.

If the divorce process becomes adversarial and contentious that causes damage, not the divorce process in itself. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved.

You previously offered to go to counselling with him and he turned it down telling you to go on your own. He actually did you a service here by not attending. No decent counsellor worth their salt would have wanted to counsel the two of you in the same room because of the abusive treatment he has meted out. Its not your job either to be a rehab centre to such a badly raised man.

And this man does not know what he wants to do for his birthday anyway; the big manchild. What you've suggested to him has been turned down or otherwise dismissed.

If the older 2 dc would be happier with their dad not on the holiday, what about dc3. Would they be ok too ?
If so, then there's nothing to stop you.
I well remember the excitement of the dc going to Disney for the first time.
They still talk about it though we went back since.
Enjoy.

OP I'm in a similar position. I told DH 10 days ago I wanted to separate after 19 years together and 13 years married. 2 children.

3 days after I told him we all got in the car and drove to the South of France for a family holiday. I just couldn't wait any longer. DD is starting secondary school soon, then it's their birthdays, then Christmas. There would always be something.

@User0610134057 I won't lie, it has been exceptionally difficult. So many tears from both of us especially him. Bargaining, begging, threatening to withhold funds, him asking for sex in tears, him coming into my bedroom in the night clinging on to me (we have 3 bedrooms here so I requested my own room). However there are now signs of some acceptance on his part. We have managed to hide it from the children but will need to tell them soon.

Stay strong
You sound sure of your reasons. You can do this and take the children on holiday by yourself or with a friend if you need to. Good luck.

Hi @User0610134057 - re your reply to me, I can't quote as it's a quote of a quote

If it were me (and it's not and I totally get that) - I'd have a very blunt convo with him, then, where I said,

"I do not think you get how utterly shit and unfulfilling this marriage has become for me.

We either find a way to make it work, which will involve you becoming less married to your job - probably going part time - and you committing to coming to Relate with me to make it work.

Or we divorce.

What do you want to do?"

I can hear him saying it now - it’s not possible to go part time in his line of work (city finance)
and he ‘just can’t’ go to counselling.

honestly…. I had that conversation in 2019 and things got better momentarily but not really.

im not sure he could say anything to change my mind now.

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers thank you for sharing your experience and you’ve been amazingly brave. I wish you the best with the rest of it.

we are away at the moment - home tomorrow:
were just out for dinner and was consoling youngest dd7. She was being naughty and drawing on dh with her coloured pencil, he asked her to stop and she did it again so he snatched the pencil from her and snapped it in half 😞

I know she should’ve listened, but she’s tired and we’re out late. He should’ve removed it maybe not snapped it.

@User0610134057 , I met and married my ex at exactly the same ages as you! One of the first red flags for me should have been the pressure to choose either getting married or breaking up. Oh to have had some self esteem…

Get it done asap, things will work out in time!

Hand hold @User0610134057 I am currently contemplating the exact same thing!

Me and DD are going away on holiday to France on Friday (he has never come with us on our little holidays) and he is supposed to be here to look after the dogs/house etc as he has done every year - for the past 11 years!!…I’m terrified if I say before he will say he won’t have the dogs, but I really think the time apart will help us to have time to think separately.

I’m 100% sure I want to separate…the anxiety of living with him (he isn’t violent or anything) but we just do not get on at all - havnt for a couple of years is absolutely crippling at the moment.

we can do it! 💝

Solidarity @Narwhalelife
can see it might be good to have natural time apart just after you tell him
but it’s hard not knowing what the reaction will be

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for your posts; on this and also various threads I’ve had over the years about dh under different usernames. It’s been a process and a journey for me but you and other wise people here have been a big part of that

Well… I did it earlier today
and it was hideous
he’s more shocked, upset and angry than I naively expected.
and has already shown he’s not able to put the kids needs first.
He’s also told me it’s ‘going to be messy’ and that I will have to move but the kids can stay in this house, and that he won’t just let me get care of them, and he’s speaking to a lawyer tomorrow.
i feel so sick to my stomach and can’t sleep.
i desperately hope it’s initial shock and anger, but this man can hold a grudge.

He's simply 'shocked, upset and angry' that you've had the damn nerve to stand up for yourself ! He's NOT 'shocked,upset and angry' because he loves you, it's because 'how bloody DARE you !'.

He will threaten anything/everything he can think of right now, and will spend a LOT of time trying desperately to get you to go back in your 'box' !

Do NOT discuss anything with him. Go 'grey rock' at ALL times ! Simply say 'I can't talk about anything, because my solicitor told me not to. Everything has to be done in writing, so here's my new email address. You can say what you want to say to me via email.' then leave the room.

He's simply 'shocked, upset and angry' that you've had the damn nerve to stand up for yourself ! He's NOT 'shocked,upset and angry' because he loves you, it's because 'how bloody DARE you !'
Couldn't have put it better. He's not acting this way because he's losing you, what he's doesn't want to lose is you making his life easier, you taking care of the DC so he can check in briefly when he feels like it, you as his emotional punching bag. How dare you not continue making his life easier at the expense of yours. If he'd actually had any interest in fixing things, if he loved you, he would have taken one of the endless chances you gave him over the years. He doesn't want anything to change, ever, especially the way he treats you.

He’s been crying a lot
just saying he doesn’t get it. Very upset I’ve presented it as a decision rather than saying what the issues are.
what makes it more awful is that he doesn’t have many friends and no family in this country, and his job is going badly and he’s about to resign.
we’re going to talk things through more at the weekend. He really wants to fix it.

And he has said how much he loves me and the kids. Wants to be with us. I was able to talk about how lonely I’ve felt.
this is so so horrible.