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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m going to tell DH I want to separate. Needed to tell someone!

119 replies

User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 15:29

Not sure how or exactly when but have recently had moment of clarity that I’m unhappy and can’t do this anymore: got close to it in 2019 but then with covid and everything… things were better between us. But now here we are and I still feel the same.

Mumsnet has been part of the process and I’ve posted about DH many times over the years under different usernames. I wasn’t ready to make the leap then but somehow I am now. Am terrified but know I can do it, and there will be a horrible time while everything is sorted out, but in the end will be for the best.

im very afraid of telling him and desperately hoping he can see that too.

have been over and over it in my head. We are lucky in that lifestyle will obviously change but there is enough equity in the house for us to both get somewhere big enough. I couldn’t afford the bills and upkeep on the current place myself and wouldn’t want to stay there.

i know it will be disruptive for our 3 Dc (7,11,14) and this is what’s held me back, but they notice things and have made comments recently: it’s part of what has tipped me over.

just don’t know when and how to do it: don’t know what his reaction will be and am scared. Should I arrange for Dc to have a sleepover so they don’t hear if things get heated? Shall I tell someone I’m doing it in case he gets very angry? I’m acutely aware it’s massive and I’ve had time to get used to the idea and he hasn’t:

although it’s unbelievable as he hardly says two words to me ever, and avoids family life in every way possible, previous conversations have suggested he seems to think all is ok.
he’s also started to say things like ‘don’t ever leave me’ and ‘you’re not allowed to leave me’ when we’ve been in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 15:32

He has a big birthday in a few weeks so I think I’ll have to wait until after that: then there’s a big holiday planned for October half term: I think we could still go as co-parents and be one in each hotel room with the kids… but will it be too raw for him 🤔
the kids couldn’t bear us not to go (Disney) and it’s paid for but not sure if I can wait til after that.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/08/2022 15:32

I'm sorry you're in this situation but it's good that you are facing up to it now.

Has he ever been violent towards you? If he barely speaks to you he may even be relieved at some point that it's over, but I wouldn't expect that reaction when you tell him.

What sort of man is he?

KangarooKenny · 20/08/2022 15:34

Do not let him talk you out of it. Keep in mind what you want in the long term and move towards it.
Remember, you’ve been planning this for a long time, he will need time to accept it.

endofline · 20/08/2022 15:35

There is no way you can go on that family Disney holiday after you have separated!

coodawoodashooda · 20/08/2022 15:36

I wouldn't wait until the big birthday. I'd do it now but speak to a lawyer first so you have accessed all the documents you need. Get all important paperwork out of the house.

KangarooKenny · 20/08/2022 15:39

If you wait for the birthday and holiday to be over it will then be nearly Xmas, so you’ll wait for after that, and in the blink of an eye another year will have passed.
Rip off the plaster and do it now.

FlipFlops4Me · 20/08/2022 15:39

coodawoodashooda · 20/08/2022 15:36

I wouldn't wait until the big birthday. I'd do it now but speak to a lawyer first so you have accessed all the documents you need. Get all important paperwork out of the house.

This! Get the paperwork before you do anything else, and stash it out of the house. If you have to, take pics (and back them up somewhere). Remember the passports, bank info, savings account info, pension details etc.

And good luck! Be brave; you'll be fine - and a year on you'll be so glad you did it.

SalviaOfficinalis · 20/08/2022 15:40

Wishing you all the best OP.

Like others say, I wouldn’t wait any longer. There’ll always be something, if you wait till after the holiday then you’ll be tempted to wait till after Xmas or after DC’s birthday etc etc.

Original poster
User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 16:40

Thank you everyone
he hasn’t ever been violent towards me but I have been afraid on a few occasions when he’s thrown things or banged doors.
We don’t/can’t discuss things which is one of the many issues.

he can be unpredictable.

im worried about his ability to put the kids needs above his feelings on the situation so feel he could get nasty. He may also get nasty about money (earns about 4 or 5 times what I do and I’m currently full time).

i genuinely think it’s best for both of us in the long term - he is completely disengaged in family life, apart from the odd time I am away and he knows he is in charge of the kids he can be good and arrange stuff but most of the time when I’m around he is completely dis engaged. Present but not present. On work calls etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 16:40

i take on board the advice about getting copies of financial info and other important documents.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 16:41

I don’t know what to do about Disney. Not going is not an option. Am worried he might refuse to come to spite me, I suppose it would be doable but difficult on my own.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 20/08/2022 16:42

Honestly. You’ve waited this long. Wait til after the holiday and possibly even Xmas if you can bear it.

SunnyKlara · 20/08/2022 16:44

I disagree with pp. Don't wait at all.

First his bday, then October holiday, the your excuse will be Christmas, a kid's birthday, another kids birthday, then all of a sudden its his birthday again and you're a year further on. Get on with it, you are just putting off the actual break up

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2022 16:47

Your children are not little anymore. Taking them to Disney yourself shouldn't be a problem.

I wouldn't wait another day. You need to get this over with, and I certainly wouldn't give a shit about his "big birthday."

Onandupw · 20/08/2022 16:50

Honestly - unless he’s a threat I’d wait until after going to Disney. At those ages I think it will really upset them not to go to Disney and that will get mixed up with divorce if you see what I mean.

October really isn’t that far away.

then when you’re back you can do it

Original poster
User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 16:51

Definitely can’t wait til Christmas - Christmasses always filled with apprehension as have been very tense in the past. Told me to fuck off infront of my family one year when we were cooking xmas dinner, was so so humiliating. One of the many things that’s happened that has chipped away at the love.

Big birthday is only 2/3 weeks away. His last big birthday his mum died very close to it, don’t have the heart to do this to him right before this one. No kids birthdays between now and Christmas.

OP posts:
Onandupw · 20/08/2022 16:51

Oh if it is possible to take them to Disney on your own then totally do that. Of coure you can manage.

Original poster
User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 16:54

Appreciate all the different points of view, will consider if I can wait til after Disney:
I won’t lose my resolve this time. Have written a list as have to justify for myself and the Dc that this is a rational decision. It’s divided into past, present and future and massively longer than I thought it would be.

OP posts:
Original poster
User0610134057 · 20/08/2022 16:55

I would manage I think. Just bit of a spread of ages so might want to go on different stuff at different times.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 20/08/2022 16:57

There's never going to be a good time, you need to do what's best for you, not him

Lsquiggles · 20/08/2022 16:58

There will never be a good time, I'd do it before the big birthday and big holiday, there will always be a reason to put it off and you'll never walk away. Either you can mutually arrange a way to go on holiday together for the kids sake or one of you can stay behind.

LaurenSE · 20/08/2022 17:03

You need to end this today or tomorrow. Do not delay. My ex was the same as your DH i put it off for 2 years. I ended it 1 week before his 40th as i could not have gone on like this.

Best decision ever.

Tell someone you trust such as a parent or friend and have them look after the kids. And have them on speed dial ready to call if it kicks off or call the police if he gets violent.

Make sure you move yours and the kids passports out of the house along with any house or pension documents.

Best of luck OP keep us updated x

KangarooKenny · 20/08/2022 17:04

You’re going to have to do stuff with the kids on your own in the future, so might as well start now.

KangarooKenny · 20/08/2022 17:04

You’re going to have to do stuff with the kids on your own in the future, so might as well start now

Justcallmebebes · 20/08/2022 17:08

It sounds as if your minds set and you sound v rational. If I were you, I'd stick to your plan, go to Disney in October. You say he's no threat so spend these next couple of months getting your plan for leaving him fine tuned and your stuff in order.

Good luck x