Why would my mother choose to reach this conclusion?

[Ffordecortana]

She’s 70s, I’m 50s, split from my husband 2 years ago, and have a new relationship. My husband was controlling and financially and emotionally abusive. He didn’t hit me. I was ground down and hardly went out, was v depressed and anxious, piled on weight and looked dreadful.

By contrast I am very happy, the healthiest I’ve been and look about 15 years younger. Escape from my marriage was really hard, my husband was and still is a manipulative arse and the kids were caught in the middle. Throughout this my mother took his side, I felt, and we had some big arguments about it. I felt she was disloyal. She thought she wasn’t.

Ahyway, latest bust up which I fear is the final straw, is that she told me that the reason she was supportive of my husband is because she felt I was trying to manipulate him into leaving, by making myself deliberately unattractive and being a “slovenly” wife. And that I am so much happier and improved now because I have decided that I can be attractive again and “must be on stronger medication”.

I said this was patently nonsense, I was on huge doses of antidepressants when I was married and am now off them! And I look better because I’m happier. She won’t have it, and is choosing to believe that everything was orchestrated by me and my husband wouldn’t have been so difficult (and a problem drinker and a financial arse) if I had kept myself nice and been a better wife.

What could she possibly gain by taking such a position?

I would have cut her off a long time ago.

Is it a possibility that he's also coerced/manipulated her over the years too?

Not so I’ve noticed.

Gosh! That’s firm!

It's very clear. Simple.

Your mother is a cunt. Perhaps it's not her fault, perhaps there are reasons, but even so...

I'm 64. Yes, things were different in our (me and your mother's) day. Attitudes were different. There was a lot of the 'Keep young and beautiful if you want to be loved' still around from our mothers' generation.

All we can do (if we want to maintain contact) is to take the bits we like (having a mother) and ignore the things we don't (everything she says). Say 'Yes, mum,' and move on.

Congratulations on being rid of him, and well done on feeling and looking better. Stay strong!

Tell her to apologise and change her attitude or you wont be seeing her again. And mean it. You have rid yourself of one abusive cunt and feel on top of the world, you might have one more to ditch. Be very clear with her and hold your power.

OP she doesn't sound very nice at all and massively unsupportive, and I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I had marriage difficulties a few years back and after confiding in my mother for support, she accused me of having an affair, said I was self destructive and wanted to subject my children to poverty. She then went behind my back, called my OH to tell him (in her own twisted words) what I'd told her. It was horrible, and one of the reasons I'm still stuck here feeling miserable, trapped and alone. It saddens me when I look at my own children and know their happiness will always be paramount to me, and I will support them in any way possible to ensure they don't ever feel they have no choice but to stay in an unhappy relationship.
I went low contact with my mum for months after this, and I suggest you do the same as it really sounds like she's affecting you in an extremely negative way. My mum didn't apologised, and our relationship will never be the same again, but I am civil for the sake of the children. It's sad when the people we feel will always have our best interests at heart, suddenly change and show their true colours. I'm so happy for you that you were strong enough to leave your unhappy relationship, that shows what a strong person you are, and you are clearly much happier now.

is it possible she stayed in a miserable marriage, and is a bit jealous of your new happiness and success? or was it drummed into her that marriage is sacrosanct?

There is a certain generation of women, very often of a certain faith, who will always blame the woman when a marriage ends in divorce.

It appears that she is one of them.

Nothing to be done, I'm afraid, other than grit your teeth and get through it somehow. You will never change her ingrained opinion, so there's no point in trying.

Have a read of this thread and see how many of us have horrible mothers who have made similar comments.

I wonder if any of the other reoccurring themes of insults will resonate as well…

but the common denominator is that there are some women who are just vile. Because of narcissistic personality disorder or just plain spite, they say and do vile things, and are never ever ever on the wrong

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?reply=119382117

Gosh! That’s firm!

I don't think so. She isn't supportive, called you manipulative and slovenly, took your ex side and most importantly did not listen you you.

Have a think about why you take that from her?

Do you know what her own marriage was like?

She sounds as if she was taught once you were married that was it, and if it wasn't going well it was the woman's responsibility to work hard at pleasing the man.

If she spent her life doing this, she may not side with you for breaking free.

My initial thought was that was she jealous. Do you think she could be unhappy and it hurts to see her daughter looking so radiant and happy?

For Gods sake, can people stop using the C* word on MN. It really is disgusting. It rarely offers any illumination - which is what the OP is usually asking for - and just creates an even more vile environment. It’s an open forum, with people of different sensitivities, have sone respect.

*have some respect

Bloody hell. Why do some women have these awful attitudes? And she should be sorting you, her own daughter.

I'm speechless.

Well done for getting out and reclaiming your life! 👏💪

Why are you still talking to this idiotic cow?

My DM always blames the woman if any relationship breaks down. Thinks I'm terrible because my DH does housework occasionally. It is never the bloke's fault.

It's internalised mysoginy.

Well, your upbringing is likely the reason you stayed in that marriage so long.

My exMIL was firmly of the opinion that keeping the relationship going was the job of the woman. The man's job was to be himself and make money. If the woman had a job it was to be her secondary interest. The woman had to work around the man, basically. She told me once, with an air of righteousness, that she had sent her own sister back to her husband when she had turned up on her doorstep one evening with a bloody nose, crying that her husband had hit her.

Essentially, the woman had to suck up whatever the man dumped on her. She also had to stay trim and fit, and it was her job to keep the man trim and fit too. She was very proud of weighing what she did on her wedding day, fifty years later.

She boasted to me that all her babies had slept through the night from the start (two weeks in hospital after delivery in those days, with babies in the nursery all night). They slept through because she decided not to get up to tend to them if they cried. The reason to let them cry until they stopped trying was that she had to be there for her H. This neant keeping an immacukate hone and producing a prooer dinner every night plus dessert. Babies' needs came second. She was appalled that her oldest daughter decided to breastfeed and undermined her at every turn. I breastfed too but I had seen her efforts with SIL and was ready. Plus we lived eight hours away from her so what could she do?

I found out that there was nothing she wasnt prepared to do, and that exH was actually very dependent on her, emotionally and psychologically. She and he would have little chats about how ridiculous I was being with the breastfeeding and getting up in the night for the DCs. I was spoiling them all, apparently. There was no aspect of my parenting that was off limits.

In the end, after incidents involving violence and cheating on the part of exH, she asked me, in apparently genuine puzzlement, what I wanted in the relationship with exH. She couldn't understand what was holding me back from playing wifey like a nice woman should. I told her that for starters I wanted an explanation for the porn I had found on the family computer. She came right out and blamed exH's porn use on me being 'cold'. I then told her it was gay porn. It felt to me like I was finally sticking a stake in the heart of a vampire. We've only spoken once since then.

By contrast, my own mother was a brick. She was brought up at the same time as exMIL, went to a convent boarding school, came from a rural Irish home. But she had learned a lot from life over the years, while exMIL was a rigid ideologue whose approach had paid off big-time for her in material terms (exILs were very wealthy).

My point here is that for some women, the shibboleths they adhere to work for them, and sadly a big part of the system they are loyal to requires that they kick other women in the teeth.

I'm NC with no mother for other reasons but this is very similar to what she used to do. She always - and I do mean always - took the side of my boyfriend. More than one and more than once with each.

Looking back I should have pulled her up on it but it kind of paled into insignificance next to some other things she did. However, while it was similar if wasn't the same. And I absolutely agree with the first response to your post.

If you want to "be kind" then yes, ask her to apologise or you'll not contact her and mean it. But be prepared for her to either rig her heels in and get nasty, or give a fake apology which puts you in a difficult situation!

Just stop contacting her. You don't need to make a song and dance about it. Just stop. And don't go and feel guilty! Enjoy your life. You've definitely earned this happiness!

The grounds for her attitude will be in her own childhood and perhaps, thereafter, her marriage.
What do you know of that?
It's not unusual to reach our age (I'm 50+ too) and have an "aha" moment where we piece together all the hints that have been dropped over the years, see our parent's childhood with new, adult eyes, and think,
"So THAT'S why they ended up the way they are!". Happened to me.
It didn't change the parent's behaviour, but I felt much more able to just accept and work round it.

I think perhaps this narrative helps her protect herself from guilt. This way she doesnt have to face that you were intensely unhappy and she did nothing to help or support you.

When I left my controlling exDH my dad sided with him ‘he can’t cope without you, I’m sure he’d take you back if you asked nicely’!
DF didn’t want to hear my side but was appalled that I had left (narcs like to make things about them).
He was convinced that the split was less to do with exDH behaviour and more to do with my ‘not trying hard enough’.
I was deliberately not invited to family events so that DF could invite exDH.
I’ve been nc for nearly 10 years.
I don’t know if it’s a generational thing or not but I’m sorry you are having to deal with it OP 💐x

To badbaduncle, tigerstigers and mathanxiety*
Awful awful behaviour by parents. If a mother is not on your side and actually undermines you in favour of someone else, there is no need to continue the relationship. You should be able to expect a mother's support. I repeat if a mother is NOT ON YOUR SIDE, it is OK to leave it alone. If NC is best, it is important to work towards having no bitterness though, which hurts you. I would explain why going NC, however, instead of just disappearing, not to have an argument or hear them justifying themselves/blaming you yet again, but so in all fairness they know why you are going. Which will give them something to think about in the years ahead rather than inventing their own story that shows you in a bad light no doubt. Only depression and continuous injury to self esteem can follow such a betrayal if you stay there. But you will feel freer and better if you go.
Same goes for you, Catlitterqueen with your DF. Unbelievable. Why don't these parents support their DC instead of people outside the family.