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Original poster

Why would my mother choose to reach this conclusion?

78 replies

Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 15:21

She’s 70s, I’m 50s, split from my husband 2 years ago, and have a new relationship. My husband was controlling and financially and emotionally abusive. He didn’t hit me. I was ground down and hardly went out, was v depressed and anxious, piled on weight and looked dreadful.

By contrast I am very happy, the healthiest I’ve been and look about 15 years younger. Escape from my marriage was really hard, my husband was and still is a manipulative arse and the kids were caught in the middle. Throughout this my mother took his side, I felt, and we had some big arguments about it. I felt she was disloyal. She thought she wasn’t.

Ahyway, latest bust up which I fear is the final straw, is that she told me that the reason she was supportive of my husband is because she felt I was trying to manipulate him into leaving, by making myself deliberately unattractive and being a “slovenly” wife. And that I am so much happier and improved now because I have decided that I can be attractive again and “must be on stronger medication”.

I said this was patently nonsense, I was on huge doses of antidepressants when I was married and am now off them! And I look better because I’m happier. She won’t have it, and is choosing to believe that everything was orchestrated by me and my husband wouldn’t have been so difficult (and a problem drinker and a financial arse) if I had kept myself nice and been a better wife.

What could she possibly gain by taking such a position?

OP posts:
lljkk · 20/08/2022 17:32

You've not told us much about your mum.
Are you a family scapegoat : you're always to blame?
Does she believe that divorce only happens to weak people?
Does she need to blame someone when things are disappointing?
Does she think a woman without a man is pitiful?
...

I mean, she could have a million weird belief systems that lead her to her current perspective.

Real question is, how much do you need her in your life, and how can you best protect your own sanity?

Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:45

Phew, amazing responses. Hang on. I’ve been displacement cleaning…

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:45

StopStartStop · 20/08/2022 15:32

It's very clear. Simple.

Your mother is a cunt. Perhaps it's not her fault, perhaps there are reasons, but even so...

I'm 64. Yes, things were different in our (me and your mother's) day. Attitudes were different. There was a lot of the 'Keep young and beautiful if you want to be loved' still around from our mothers' generation.

All we can do (if we want to maintain contact) is to take the bits we like (having a mother) and ignore the things we don't (everything she says). Say 'Yes, mum,' and move on.

Congratulations on being rid of him, and well done on feeling and looking better. Stay strong!

Your post made me laugh out loud. Some people really are arses!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:46

badbaduncle · 20/08/2022 15:37

Tell her to apologise and change her attitude or you wont be seeing her again. And mean it. You have rid yourself of one abusive cunt and feel on top of the world, you might have one more to ditch. Be very clear with her and hold your power.

She won’t apologise. Or if she does she won’t mean it. I know this to the middle of my bones.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:49

Tigerstigers · 20/08/2022 15:38

OP she doesn't sound very nice at all and massively unsupportive, and I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I had marriage difficulties a few years back and after confiding in my mother for support, she accused me of having an affair, said I was self destructive and wanted to subject my children to poverty. She then went behind my back, called my OH to tell him (in her own twisted words) what I'd told her. It was horrible, and one of the reasons I'm still stuck here feeling miserable, trapped and alone. It saddens me when I look at my own children and know their happiness will always be paramount to me, and I will support them in any way possible to ensure they don't ever feel they have no choice but to stay in an unhappy relationship.
I went low contact with my mum for months after this, and I suggest you do the same as it really sounds like she's affecting you in an extremely negative way. My mum didn't apologised, and our relationship will never be the same again, but I am civil for the sake of the children. It's sad when the people we feel will always have our best interests at heart, suddenly change and show their true colours. I'm so happy for you that you were strong enough to leave your unhappy relationship, that shows what a strong person you are, and you are clearly much happier now.

You are where I was, about three years ago. She also accused me of having an affair, when I was actually at a funeral. She would always rather think bad of me. What’s been hard is that in practical terms she’s been very supportive but in hindsight it’s to get near to (one of) the kids.

I really hope you find the strength to get out. Daily I am hit by a wave of relief that I no longer have to deal with his nonsense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:50

bloodyunicorns · 20/08/2022 16:35

Bloody hell. Why do some women have these awful attitudes? And she should be sorting you, her own daughter.

I'm speechless.

Well done for getting out and reclaiming your life! 👏💪

Thankyou - my brother said that to her. He said “if there are sides to be taken you should be on hers” and she said “why”?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:51

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 20/08/2022 15:49

is it possible she stayed in a miserable marriage, and is a bit jealous of your new happiness and success? or was it drummed into her that marriage is sacrosanct?

I don’t know - she never “gave up” on her marriage. We all bitterly wished she had. She bullied my dad, he was an alcoholic. Horrid dynamic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:53

Surtsey · 20/08/2022 16:00

There is a certain generation of women, very often of a certain faith, who will always blame the woman when a marriage ends in divorce.

It appears that she is one of them.

Nothing to be done, I'm afraid, other than grit your teeth and get through it somehow. You will never change her ingrained opinion, so there's no point in trying.

To anyone else she isn’t like that. My cousins got divorced and she was all over them like a rash being wondrous and supportive. Totally different with me.

Irish Catholic btw. (I know, surprising eh.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:55

SallyWD · 20/08/2022 16:32

My initial thought was that was she jealous. Do you think she could be unhappy and it hurts to see her daughter looking so radiant and happy?

Something like that. She only likes friends of mine who are gushing towards her. Most see straight through and they’re the ones she slags off. “I think you should be careful of that Emma, she never seems to be what she tries to make out, I can’t put my finger on it” etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:55

mathanxiety · 20/08/2022 16:45

My exMIL was firmly of the opinion that keeping the relationship going was the job of the woman. The man's job was to be himself and make money. If the woman had a job it was to be her secondary interest. The woman had to work around the man, basically. She told me once, with an air of righteousness, that she had sent her own sister back to her husband when she had turned up on her doorstep one evening with a bloody nose, crying that her husband had hit her.

Essentially, the woman had to suck up whatever the man dumped on her. She also had to stay trim and fit, and it was her job to keep the man trim and fit too. She was very proud of weighing what she did on her wedding day, fifty years later.

She boasted to me that all her babies had slept through the night from the start (two weeks in hospital after delivery in those days, with babies in the nursery all night). They slept through because she decided not to get up to tend to them if they cried. The reason to let them cry until they stopped trying was that she had to be there for her H. This neant keeping an immacukate hone and producing a prooer dinner every night plus dessert. Babies' needs came second. She was appalled that her oldest daughter decided to breastfeed and undermined her at every turn. I breastfed too but I had seen her efforts with SIL and was ready. Plus we lived eight hours away from her so what could she do?

I found out that there was nothing she wasnt prepared to do, and that exH was actually very dependent on her, emotionally and psychologically. She and he would have little chats about how ridiculous I was being with the breastfeeding and getting up in the night for the DCs. I was spoiling them all, apparently. There was no aspect of my parenting that was off limits.

In the end, after incidents involving violence and cheating on the part of exH, she asked me, in apparently genuine puzzlement, what I wanted in the relationship with exH. She couldn't understand what was holding me back from playing wifey like a nice woman should. I told her that for starters I wanted an explanation for the porn I had found on the family computer. She came right out and blamed exH's porn use on me being 'cold'. I then told her it was gay porn. It felt to me like I was finally sticking a stake in the heart of a vampire. We've only spoken once since then.

By contrast, my own mother was a brick. She was brought up at the same time as exMIL, went to a convent boarding school, came from a rural Irish home. But she had learned a lot from life over the years, while exMIL was a rigid ideologue whose approach had paid off big-time for her in material terms (exILs were very wealthy).

My point here is that for some women, the shibboleths they adhere to work for them, and sadly a big part of the system they are loyal to requires that they kick other women in the teeth.

Christ that’s dreadful. How toxic!

OP posts:
Thornethorn · 20/08/2022 17:56

I think your mum really believes this because she lacks insight and is really letting herself down. She's being very misogynistic and I'm sure it's not the first time.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/08/2022 17:57

I think. Huge sweeping statement coming up, that a lot of women from the 1950s are internal misogynists. Not all caveat. They had miserable lives themselves, mostly at the hands of appalling husbands, and can't handle it that we're saying 'no'. Jealousy?

My own mothers response to my intel that I was getting divorced after 4 years of affairs and lies - 'well, you didn't always make him dinner, did you?'

Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:57

daretodenim · 20/08/2022 16:50

I'm NC with no mother for other reasons but this is very similar to what she used to do. She always - and I do mean always - took the side of my boyfriend. More than one and more than once with each.

Looking back I should have pulled her up on it but it kind of paled into insignificance next to some other things she did. However, while it was similar if wasn't the same. And I absolutely agree with the first response to your post.

If you want to "be kind" then yes, ask her to apologise or you'll not contact her and mean it. But be prepared for her to either rig her heels in and get nasty, or give a fake apology which puts you in a difficult situation!

Just stop contacting her. You don't need to make a song and dance about it. Just stop. And don't go and feel guilty! Enjoy your life. You've definitely earned this happiness!

What I think she will do is get back in with my exH. She promised me she had blocked his number etc but I bet she tries to get in with him as a way of getting to her favourite grandchild.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 20/08/2022 17:58

Mine did exactly the same when I finally got rid of my selfish useless emotionally abusive ex H.

She thought the sun shined out of his arse, and upon a lot of reflection it occurred to me that she liked him because she saw that he treated me in exactly the same way she did for all those years.. I.e. he kept me 'in my place'

Fortunately I went no contact with her at around the same time and my life has been blissful. Fucking blissful ever since.

I too have lost tons of weight, and look the best I've ever done, now in my 40s. I have a wonderful DH and DD and my mother is seething with rage that I keep her granddaughter from her. Serves her bloody right.

Well done for escaping your arse of an ex, now I'd strongly recommend you do the same with her..

Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:59

lljkk · 20/08/2022 17:32

You've not told us much about your mum.
Are you a family scapegoat : you're always to blame?
Does she believe that divorce only happens to weak people?
Does she need to blame someone when things are disappointing?
Does she think a woman without a man is pitiful?
...

I mean, she could have a million weird belief systems that lead her to her current perspective.

Real question is, how much do you need her in your life, and how can you best protect your own sanity?

My younger siblings reckon she was always harder on me. I was the great hope somehow, brighter than the other two and they spent money on my education and maybe I haven’t delivered on that. My only purpose is to shine glory back at them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 18:00

Treacletoots · 20/08/2022 17:58

Mine did exactly the same when I finally got rid of my selfish useless emotionally abusive ex H.

She thought the sun shined out of his arse, and upon a lot of reflection it occurred to me that she liked him because she saw that he treated me in exactly the same way she did for all those years.. I.e. he kept me 'in my place'

Fortunately I went no contact with her at around the same time and my life has been blissful. Fucking blissful ever since.

I too have lost tons of weight, and look the best I've ever done, now in my 40s. I have a wonderful DH and DD and my mother is seething with rage that I keep her granddaughter from her. Serves her bloody right.

Well done for escaping your arse of an ex, now I'd strongly recommend you do the same with her..

That’s SO encouraging! Well done for coming out of the other side! X

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 20/08/2022 18:01

@arethereanyleftatall totally agree. Not all, but a hell of a lot of them. My mother seemed to be jealous of me from a very early age and made it her duty to be vile to me at every opportunity. As an adult I understand now it was jealousy, and I can choose to never speak to her again. Shame I had such a shit childhood.

Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 18:02

lljkk · 20/08/2022 17:32

You've not told us much about your mum.
Are you a family scapegoat : you're always to blame?
Does she believe that divorce only happens to weak people?
Does she need to blame someone when things are disappointing?
Does she think a woman without a man is pitiful?
...

I mean, she could have a million weird belief systems that lead her to her current perspective.

Real question is, how much do you need her in your life, and how can you best protect your own sanity?

The main dynamic in our lives at the moment, because I had dialled down contact some time ago, is my middle child. He loves her and she spoils him rotten. He is the only one that will visit and really she’s only interested in him. I want to protect him and I also want him to be happy and he does love to see her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 18:03

arethereanyleftatall · 20/08/2022 17:57

I think. Huge sweeping statement coming up, that a lot of women from the 1950s are internal misogynists. Not all caveat. They had miserable lives themselves, mostly at the hands of appalling husbands, and can't handle it that we're saying 'no'. Jealousy?

My own mothers response to my intel that I was getting divorced after 4 years of affairs and lies - 'well, you didn't always make him dinner, did you?'

That’s what mine has intimated. It is head spinningly mental.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 20/08/2022 18:05

Thanks OP. My life now is it's own reward. If you haven't already I'd strongly suggest you pop on over to the Stately Homes thread where children of abusive parents can share their stories and offer support. It's incredibly helpful to recognise the abusive behaviours and how to escape the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt cycle that means many people try to pander to abusive relatives when they really should tell them to do one.

Best of luck OP. Agree with the above. Your mother is just a CU Next Tuesday and you won't change her. Ignore and block and see how much better your life gets.

Original poster
Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 18:07

Her relationship with my brothers is so different.

She is also surprised when I don’t have the same opinion or likes and dislikes as her. I have always worn natural fibres, and I don’t like layers cos I get too hot. I was going on holiday to somewhere she wanted to go, and she came over with two polyester chiffony layery type suits. I was really surprised and she was furious with me for not taking them, even though they were 100% not my thing. It’s like she doesn’t know me.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 20/08/2022 18:08

Oh she knows you OP. She's deliberately trying to control you...

Surtsey · 20/08/2022 18:25

Ffordecortana · 20/08/2022 17:53

To anyone else she isn’t like that. My cousins got divorced and she was all over them like a rash being wondrous and supportive. Totally different with me.

Irish Catholic btw. (I know, surprising eh.)

Show quote history

How did I guess?😂

Oh, and of course she can be supportive towards your cousins. While at the same time, no doubt, feeling superior because it wasn't her child getting divorced, but someone else's. Then you went and spoiled it for her.

LadyEloise1 · 20/08/2022 18:37

Surtsey · 20/08/2022 16:00

There is a certain generation of women, very often of a certain faith, who will always blame the woman when a marriage ends in divorce.

It appears that she is one of them.

Nothing to be done, I'm afraid, other than grit your teeth and get through it somehow. You will never change her ingrained opinion, so there's no point in trying.

"*......very often of a certain religion...."
*
What religion ?

Surtsey · 20/08/2022 18:47

LadyEloise1 · 20/08/2022 18:37

"*......very often of a certain religion...."
*
What religion ?

Show quote history

More than one, I suspect. The ones which disapprove of divorce probably, which to be honest, is most of them.