Why would my mother choose to reach this conclusion?

[Ffordecortana]

She’s 70s, I’m 50s, split from my husband 2 years ago, and have a new relationship. My husband was controlling and financially and emotionally abusive. He didn’t hit me. I was ground down and hardly went out, was v depressed and anxious, piled on weight and looked dreadful.

By contrast I am very happy, the healthiest I’ve been and look about 15 years younger. Escape from my marriage was really hard, my husband was and still is a manipulative arse and the kids were caught in the middle. Throughout this my mother took his side, I felt, and we had some big arguments about it. I felt she was disloyal. She thought she wasn’t.

Ahyway, latest bust up which I fear is the final straw, is that she told me that the reason she was supportive of my husband is because she felt I was trying to manipulate him into leaving, by making myself deliberately unattractive and being a “slovenly” wife. And that I am so much happier and improved now because I have decided that I can be attractive again and “must be on stronger medication”.

I said this was patently nonsense, I was on huge doses of antidepressants when I was married and am now off them! And I look better because I’m happier. She won’t have it, and is choosing to believe that everything was orchestrated by me and my husband wouldn’t have been so difficult (and a problem drinker and a financial arse) if I had kept myself nice and been a better wife.

What could she possibly gain by taking such a position?

Wow. Please protect yourself from her views.

You need peace more than you need somebody cruel playing the part of your mother. I think that level of disloyalty could drive you crazy.

No matter what she thought about your appearance, you TOLD her that you were controlled and told her that you were depressed and ground down. But she chose to believe some other interpretation of the situation??? Like your interpretation of what YOU were going through was wrong. And she could come along and interpret your experience correctly.

This is the type of highly destructive gaslighting that you need to take a break from.

I'm 52 and my mother is 77 and I cannot get through to her either. she is a very damaged and repressed person but she did not side with my x thank God.

I am separating from my husband after 30 years of marriage.

Before we were living together but while we were definitely in an exclusive relationship, I found out he had had a brief fling with someone we both knew.

I went back to my mothers. She convinced me to forgive him and return to him which I did. I found out much later that she did this, not because she thought it was the best thing for me, but because she didn’t want the agro of dealing with a daughter who had a broken heart, and who would need her support.

Could your mother be thinking this way. Maybe it was self interest and she felt that if you had stayed in the marriage you would be in a better place to look after her as she got older.

Is it possible she stayed in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children, and felt that you should do this too? Her antagonism to you is because you didn’t stay, and you are now happy. She is looking for a way to justify why she didn’t leave, because your example shows her she made the wrong decision for herself. She can’t admit she fucked up her life, so is twisting the facts so she can blame someone else -you.

There's no point telling her to apologise. Chances are she will point blank refuse and even if she didn't refuse and coughed up a fake apology, it still doesn't explain why she chose to hear your account of your experience and decide that your account was wrong and she knew better.

I fear the answer is in there. A combination of 1) core view of internalised misogyny/ (the woman is always to blame and should strive to stay married and respectable rather than striving to find happiness and freedom.

and 2) you're an ''object self'' to her. You're not a separate person, you're the part she wrote and it annoys her so immensely that you didn't handle this the way she would have. with subjugation, feminine wiles, obliging accommodation, giving in on every point with a smile. That would have kept him happy. The YOU ON THE INSIDE doesn't count. Only the you the outside that is fat or thin

ha ha, this made me laugh. I'm Irish. Not even catholic but tbh I think we must be culturally catholic because my mum does prioritise being respectable above all else. The notion that you would be out there looking for happiness and freedom and not worrying about what the neighbours made of it all........... she would implode.

@mathanxiety ha, I bet that was a sandbag overboard telling her it was gay porn. I'm really happy for you that that has taken her out of your world.

I think some of it is internalised misogyny and some of it is a genuine belief that women need to be in a relationship in order to be happy and fulfilled. My DM responded in the wame way when I told her I was divorcing my alcoholic husband. Her response? 'Maybe if you were nicer to him, he wouldn't drink so much'.

She did come round after I told her he had threatened to kill me.

That’s awful. Thing is, I’m in a relationship now! She’s met him, he is lovely and also a million miles from my ex. She can’t be happy for me though. He “sees” her and is polite but without deference.

You're not a separate person, you're the part she wrote and it annoys her so immensely that you didn't handle this the way she would have. with subjugation, feminine wiles, obliging accommodation, giving in on every point with a smile. That would have kept him happy. The YOU ON THE INSIDE doesn't count. Only the you the outside that is fat or thin

THAT HAS GIVEN ME THE CHILLS.

that’s exactly what she’s like in dealing with things. It blows her mind that I am by nature and choice very straight talking and blunt. And maybe that’s why she thinks my being utterly miserable and ground down was all part of a devious plan - because SHE would have had a devious plan.

To validate her own choices.

she’s obviously a loon, but I have no idea why you are giving her headspace? Can’t you come up with a few sharp put downs to let her know you pity her more than anything else.

And she’s annoyed I’m as healthy as I am now, because if only I had been like this when we were married then I wouldn’t have got divorced and brought her this great shame. FUCKS SAKE!!!

Well I suppose 50 odd years of bullying, culture and grooming would be some starter reasons as to why she’s in my head. I can’t just wake up and think “fuck you” and then park it. I need to process it.

I meant it rhetorically, does your head know that she is I deserving of headspace, and it is just a case of the heart following?

Mumsnet is great for processing.
Have you ever responded in a way that demonstrates you think she’s nuts?

@Ffordecortana your mother is a toxic narcissist. Your life sounds great now so don't let her piss on your parade. You can cut people off mentally without having to announce to them that's what you're doing. Just have less and less contact. You really don't need this and don't let her convince you she's right. She wasn't in your past relationship. You was. You know. Don't forget.

Just like my DM Irish Catholic they do love their hair shirts.

I suspect she's reporting back to your ex. So say as little as possible. I did go NC with mine eventually but had the backing of my OH

This sounds so much like my mum! Even the taste thing, I'm always saying it's like she doesn't know me. She will give me things I have specifically said I don't like and she is obsessed with my weight! Always has been.

Again this ties in to her inability to see you as a 3d person.

Health, vitality and attractiveness aren't coming from within. They are performed in order to survive.

The glow that comes from being happy and healthy is not something that she understands because to her perhaps appearing to be happy or having the right to be happy is what makes her happy.

She can't tell the difference between appearing to be happy and actually being happy.

Women like your mum are firm subscribers to the patriarchy and are brainwashed into thinking women come second and aren't allowed to pursue their own happiness.

If she's in her 70's then she's from the generation that was encouraged to put up and shut up even if it affected their own physical or mental health.

Divorce was seen as shameful and brought shame (in their heads) to the family,keeping up appearances was everything.

I'd suggest going no contact with her and when it gets to the point she can't wipe her own arse anymore make sure you're not fussy about the care home you dump her in as you certainly won't be providing care for her at home;karma.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here @Ffordecortana

“My only purpose is to shine glory back at them.”

You exist to make your family proud which either involves what your DM did or what she wish she had done. I think it’s linked with a toxic level of shame.

Buying you clothes that she likes to visit a place she wanted to visit is her projecting.

Who cares what she thinks of you or why? She’s an arsehole!!! Just let her know that her aged care is now entirely her problem to deal with and you intend to live happily ever after without her or her input.

My mother - Irish Catholic background - threw an absolute fit when I left my ex H after only 2 and a half years of marriage. My father had left my mother for another woman after 23 years of marriage, when I was on my honeymoon - but he'd cheated on her the whole of their marriage, and had actually tried to dump her (and by extension myself and my two brothers) a decade beforehand.

I'd got married for all the wrong reasons - mainly to get away from my parents - when I'd just turned 21. I'm now 54, my mother is 80 and her whole take now is that she basically 'sacrificed' her marriage for mine, and then I had the nerve to end it so quickly.

Like others have said, it's deeply rooted misogyny and jealousy. Even now my mother is so bitter that my adult life has been so different to hers, and I've not put up with a fraction of the bullshit from men that she put up with from my father. Add in that I've not given her grandchildren - and neither have my brothers - in her eyes my 'failing' as a woman is complete.

I'm glad your life is so much happier.

My mum behaved like this. I let her know that it wasn't okay - gave a warning, if you like. She carried on and I cut contact. I never regretted it. Having always been the scapegoat, there really was nothing positive to miss. I hope you'll do what's right for you. It's really not something you should have to put up with.

@noirchatsdeux what does she mean she sacrificed her marriage for yours?
Does she believe you would have been unmarriable if she had got divorced (sooner)?

Although, why am I trying to understand her!! 🙃

This. She's a cunt. Mine is too, but for different reasons. Doesn't make her less of a cunt though.
I cut all contact with mine and have never felt better.