Hello, I am a man and I am here looking for advice, I hope you lovely women can give me some insight.
I am single and recently I have started going on a few dates and have been going out more and I seem to not be having much success, or at least in the way I want success. So first the background, I am late 30s, I live alone, own my own flat in the South East and run my own business. I spent most of the last ten years building up my business and in many ways let my thirties pass me by, I was focused on work, got out of shape and I was not looking to date as I was head down in work. Then the same happened to me as everyone else, lockdown hit, life got a revaluated, I realised that I was missing out on life whilst focusing on work.
I decided change my life, to make things more interesting and to improve my health so took up running, I started lifting weights and got myself fit, I am probably the fittest I have ever been and for the first time in many years I feel really good about myself, according to people who I ask (and sometimes people who I don’t) I look good, although I will add I still don’t quite believe them, even though I know logically I look reasonably attractive. I went out with friends more, and when Covid had died down I started dating. I am centre left politically, but not political, I tend to keep up with current affairs so I know what is going on, as well as sport for the social aspect, but I am reasonably relaxed with all of that, happy to go with the flow in discussions. To finish it off 6ft 1in tall, all my own teeth, short hair. I tend to favour planning rather than total spontaneity, but I am not against short notice ideas, it would just be unlikely to be “Let’s go to France for the weekend” on a Friday morning, but no problem with booking it for the next weekend, or going for a night out in London a few hours later etc. I am sensible with money, I do not like to waste it, I see it as a utility rather than an end itself, which means I can afford to go to nicer places, but I am equally relaxed going and having a picnic in the park, or a walk and a coffee. I keep my home clean and tidy, it’s not a bachelor pad, but also not a family home either.
I am not an alpha male by any stretch, I am not interesting in competing with people, just doing what I feel is the best I can/need to (eg. I am not working 60+ hours again if I don’t need to), I earn enough to not need to worry about money and that perhaps does give me a relaxed attitude that takes away pressures.
So I have been on several dates, they seem to start off well, they seem to find me interesting, they seem to enjoy sex, or I can go on a night out and meet someone, a few times that has ended up in sex, again no complaints there as they have all wanted to repeat the experience. I am apparently good to talk to, although I will admit I am not the best listener as I know I look to fix a problem, rather than be someone who just sits and listens, but I am working on that. Most of the women seem to end up not wanting a relationship, but want to be friends, a friends with benefits situation, or they are very intense at the start, then fade off quickly, two have been very intense at the start, faded off, then expected to pick everything up a few months later. Wives of friends think I would make a great catch, my sister’s friends think I would make a great catch (already paired up, and would not do anything that close to home anyway).
So I guess I am looking for answers as to why I keep falling into either friends or friends with benefits situations, rather than a relationship? What could I do to improve myself, what might I need to change?
Fire away, I suspect some of you will probably be brutally honest, but I think I need that because everyone I know who I ask says they don’t know why, but that does not really seem to add up.