A Man Looking For Advice

[AManLookingForAdvice]

Hello, I am a man and I am here looking for advice, I hope you lovely women can give me some insight.

I am single and recently I have started going on a few dates and have been going out more and I seem to not be having much success, or at least in the way I want success. So first the background, I am late 30s, I live alone, own my own flat in the South East and run my own business. I spent most of the last ten years building up my business and in many ways let my thirties pass me by, I was focused on work, got out of shape and I was not looking to date as I was head down in work. Then the same happened to me as everyone else, lockdown hit, life got a revaluated, I realised that I was missing out on life whilst focusing on work.

I decided change my life, to make things more interesting and to improve my health so took up running, I started lifting weights and got myself fit, I am probably the fittest I have ever been and for the first time in many years I feel really good about myself, according to people who I ask (and sometimes people who I don’t) I look good, although I will add I still don’t quite believe them, even though I know logically I look reasonably attractive. I went out with friends more, and when Covid had died down I started dating. I am centre left politically, but not political, I tend to keep up with current affairs so I know what is going on, as well as sport for the social aspect, but I am reasonably relaxed with all of that, happy to go with the flow in discussions. To finish it off 6ft 1in tall, all my own teeth, short hair. I tend to favour planning rather than total spontaneity, but I am not against short notice ideas, it would just be unlikely to be “Let’s go to France for the weekend” on a Friday morning, but no problem with booking it for the next weekend, or going for a night out in London a few hours later etc. I am sensible with money, I do not like to waste it, I see it as a utility rather than an end itself, which means I can afford to go to nicer places, but I am equally relaxed going and having a picnic in the park, or a walk and a coffee. I keep my home clean and tidy, it’s not a bachelor pad, but also not a family home either.
I am not an alpha male by any stretch, I am not interesting in competing with people, just doing what I feel is the best I can/need to (eg. I am not working 60+ hours again if I don’t need to), I earn enough to not need to worry about money and that perhaps does give me a relaxed attitude that takes away pressures.

So I have been on several dates, they seem to start off well, they seem to find me interesting, they seem to enjoy sex, or I can go on a night out and meet someone, a few times that has ended up in sex, again no complaints there as they have all wanted to repeat the experience. I am apparently good to talk to, although I will admit I am not the best listener as I know I look to fix a problem, rather than be someone who just sits and listens, but I am working on that. Most of the women seem to end up not wanting a relationship, but want to be friends, a friends with benefits situation, or they are very intense at the start, then fade off quickly, two have been very intense at the start, faded off, then expected to pick everything up a few months later. Wives of friends think I would make a great catch, my sister’s friends think I would make a great catch (already paired up, and would not do anything that close to home anyway).

So I guess I am looking for answers as to why I keep falling into either friends or friends with benefits situations, rather than a relationship? What could I do to improve myself, what might I need to change?

Fire away, I suspect some of you will probably be brutally honest, but I think I need that because everyone I know who I ask says they don’t know why, but that does not really seem to add up.

I’m quite curious to find out how the conversations with the women that wanted FWB situations started. Have they
said they don’t want a relationship but are happy to keep seeing/sleeping with you and not be exclusive or said the famous ‘lets see where it goes’ line. I think women can definitely be crazy and that one you met sounded like she was. I also don’t really have an issue with ‘lovely ladies’ although this makes you sound about 50. I may be going against the grain (and get flamed) here but in my opinion you sound really nice, i don’t see anything wrong with what you wrote. Maybe it was a bit long but it’s a snapshot of your life, and sounds like you’re in a good place. But as bizarre as it sound nice doesn’t get you far these days. It’s like being too available, never a good thing. The dates you’ve been on sound amazing as well…but it does sound like you are ready to jump headfirst into a relationship without the ‘getting to know’ each other bit. OLD is awful so i agree with the advice of getting out and meeting people that way.

Do you have many female friends? You mentioned wives of friends and your sister's friends but do you have any female friends? If not, that's what I would focus on. It would help you understand women a bit more and could possibly lead to something. Do the dating thing too but focus on building friendship on the side.

As an aside I used to work with a lovely young woman. She had been a model when younger, she was funny and lovely and had very little success on dating scene. I guess even when what's on offer is near perfect it doesn't reap results.

You sound like a nice and probably handsome man but chemistry relies on other things. That's why I think you should develop friendships.

I think you sound lovely and don’t understand some of the comments on here. It’s hard out there, stop trying and let it come along… best of luck to you x

I think you sound like a reasonable, nice bloke but there might be something glaring in the background that we can’t know that’s a big red flag to women (you keep cats/you cross dress/you have ugly toenails etc)

I agree you sound a bit woolly on what you are looking for - if you’re luke warm and give off and air of ‘anyone will do’ that’ll put women off. You need to know in your own mind what you are looking for.

But the key things that are attractive to women are universal:
personal hygiene and grooming
sense of humour
get to know them and show interest in them as an individual
be kind and thoughtful

If you’re already ticking those boxes - don’t worry it’ll happen. Or apply to go on ‘First Dates’ they have an amazingly high success rate!

This feels like a really shallow thing to say, but maybe it is something about the way you look or dress? Us “lovely ladies” are also entitled to find our partners attractive.

What about trying a running club?
Your hobbies are quite solitary I think. I know everyone says this but just relax and stop fretting too much. Good luck.

I think you see women as things an not actual people from your posts. It seems like you just want to meet someone to meet a goal. I can't see the genuineness of wanting to meet someone to spend your life with, have a connection with. Maybe this is coming across when dating

I don't know what it is exactly, but you are giving off "creepy" vibes. As if you see women as a separate species, or like an android and you simply need the code to crack us. You've programmed in your vital statistics (age, status, body, height, looks, wealth), but the computer won't unlock.

OP, I'm sitting here, having a beer with my DP and we're happy to help! (I haven't read the full thread.)

We think that you need to be very clear about what you want. Find a woman who wants the same things (big life goals) as you and move on quickly as soon as you realise you want different things. Try not to be distracted by sex with wronguns.

I think @Rainbowqueeen got it exactly right. You sound like a generic “decent man” but there is no special sauce. No woman wants to be with a man who will say “Whatever you like, dear, I don’t mind” until one of them dies of boredom.

You don’t seem to know why someone would be with you and if you don’t even know, why would anyone else? Stop dating for a while and start trying a bunch of things to see what excites you or makes you feel great. Figure out who you really are.

Exactly this. OP, what makes you interesting? Why would someone want to talk to you? What do you bring to a relationship, other than being solvent and having your own teeth and hair?

Four women I would class as proper, long term friends yes, two I have known for around twenty years and one about ten, one about six. I understand them, they are amazing women. There is also my sister, we are very different people but are always there for each other and have a much closer relationship as adults than we did as children. For balance I only have nine what I would class as proper make friendships. There are the people I know well, who I can always go for a drink with etc. but those nine men and four women are the kind of people who are hide a body/borrow a grand, no questions asked real deep friends.

I am definitely nowhere near perfect, that's for sure!

Nope, none of the weird things in the first paragraph!

I do not think that anyone will do, but I also do not know specifically what I am looking for. In my twenties that was always "I will know when I meet her" and it generally worked that way, historically long term relationships were always with women who were (much) more intelligent than me, but they also did tend to have more analytical/problem solving personalities which are similar to my own.

Personal hygiene and grooming are almost certainly fine, however I am not the best dresser (no real fashion sense of my own), but a bit of advice there means I am not dressed too badly, always clean and reasonably smart, but I just do not get colours etc. so maybe that is something that needs more work.

My sense of humour is generally dry, I generally lack comic timing.

I attempt the last two, maybe I do not always succeed, though I hope if nothing else I am kind.

There is no way I am going on TV, I would hate being that public about things and work wise it is far too close to home!

Ok OP - what do your male friends think?
Are you too picky?
Obsessed with anal? (Only half joking)
Don’t really like women unless they are a trophy (asking because you speak as if, other than spreadsheets) these women are all fine. Just fine. Nice sex. Nice chats. Nice dates. More intelligent than you. Blah blah blah.
Before someone suggests you may be on the ASD have you ever, in your life, ever been around a woman and thought “I want YOU “?
Or a man for that matter?

Sorry ASD spectrum.
Ive had a beer so I’m being a bit more direct

My male friends either don't get it either.
I don't think I am too picky, hard to say exactly though, I am not looking for a specific set of criteria, there is no check list.
Nope!
I like women who are more intelligent than me as I like a good intellectual chat every now and then, I want to learn and absorb information, I enjoy watching things together that we can both share an interest in etc. Is it wrong to find intelligence sexy? Most of them were lovely, attractive, could hold interesting conversations, discuss things, give a point of view, I want that in a woman.
Nope, not ASD, several years ago I went to see a therapist for a while, to understand more about myself, motivations, work, family grief etc. and that was not something that even came close to coming up. But yes to the "I want you" feeling, it is rare and only usually comes after talking to someone for an hour or two, where it is just kind of a "wow, this person really is amazing" kind of feeling.
Nope to the man.

Ok, so you have close female friends. What do they say? They know you well so their insight should be valuable.

Not sure there is anything you can do. You sound like you are a nice guy but maybe a little too focused. Lots of people just want to go with the flow and see where it leads. Perhaps try and chill a bit and what will happen will happen.

First one N, who I have known the longest has always said if she had met me before her now husband she would have ended up marrying me, although our relationship is more like brother and sister now. She has said that the "fixing" part of my personality is not always what women want, they want to talk, not have someone solve the problem, that is why I say I am not a great listener, if I am presented with a problem I want to solve it, but I also have to accept that is not what is wanted. She said that when I set up my own business I went head down to that and I did get out of shape, which might have not helped, but that now I am in great shape. She thinks it is not having met the right person.

E, who I have known 17-18 years thinks that it could be my relaxed nature, I don't make a big fuss about much. I'm not hugely outwardly expressive eg "oh wow, that's amazing!" type person.

A, who I have known about six years thinks it will just take more time and that I should get a dog (I should not get a dog).

C, thinks that it might be a lack of self confidence. She has seen me at work, presenting to hundreds of people etc. and says I exude confidence in those, or work scenarios, but with women who I think might actually be interested in me I appear unconfident in myself.

Maybe it is a confused combination of some or all of the above (apart from getting a dog).

Ha ha - I bet if you got a very cute dog you’d meet a woman!
Borrow one…?
Just kidding.
What are you passionate about?

I get the impression that it takes a while for you to 'warm up' so that women can really get to know you. The women/friends that you've known for a long time have had the opportunity to do just that. In a date situation it might not be long enough.

I think you're more likely to have success with someone that you've had a chance to really get to know first, rather than a quick date.

She said that when I set up my own business I went head down to that and I did get out of shape, which might have not helped, but that now I am in great shape.

If these are the two most interesting things about you then that is probably part of it. Sounds like you've made them your personality -- no mention of interests, hobbies, etc. that might actually provide a woman with common ground as the foundation of a relationship.

You've made yourself a business owner and a physical specimen. You don't sound very interesting otherwise.

What age range of women are you choosing to match with? Are you open to dating someone who already has kids as many your age may do?

If you are the one instigating the dates, you may want to look at your selection criteria, as somewhere between agreeing to date you, and getting to know you, the women you're attracted to are realising you're not their type.
This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. On paper you sound great. But for some reason you're repeatedly choosing women who aren't into what you're offering. Do you go for a 'type'? If so, you may want to consider broadening your search.

I like women who are more intelligent than me as I like a good intellectual chat every now and then, I want to learn and absorb information, I enjoy watching things together that we can both share an interest in etc. Is it wrong to find intelligence sexy?

Sorry, but the last line of this just set my 'victimhood-o-meter' ringing.

Almost nobody in the world would think it's wrong to find intelligence sexy and nobody has suggested it might be. So why are you asking whether it's 'wrong'? It feels overly defensive.

That might be something that's putting people off. If you're a bit prickly or defensive around your insecurities (which you obviously have, as you've said you don't know why someone would want you) then women will get a bad vibe.

Work on your insecurities and on finding interests / work / volunteer opportunities etc that make you feel purposeful, excited about life and good about yourself and you should be fine.

See I'm invested now. Like a whodunnit. I've got a couple of friends - older than you - that have never really found love and in some ways it seems inexplicable (attractive, solvent, funny, clever), but I think if I was honest I could have a guess why. Not that they're not incredible or need a man or any of that... but they'd have liked to....

Yes, how old are you exactly?
How old are the women you've dated?
Apart from work and working out, what floats your boat, makes you feel animated and alive.
What makes you cross?
What makes you giddy?
Do you ever cry and if so what at?
Do you watch a lot of porn?
When you say your clothes aren't great and you're not good at colours... what does that mean (mind boggles?!)
What music do you like?