A Man Looking For Advice

[AManLookingForAdvice]

Hello, I am a man and I am here looking for advice, I hope you lovely women can give me some insight.

I am single and recently I have started going on a few dates and have been going out more and I seem to not be having much success, or at least in the way I want success. So first the background, I am late 30s, I live alone, own my own flat in the South East and run my own business. I spent most of the last ten years building up my business and in many ways let my thirties pass me by, I was focused on work, got out of shape and I was not looking to date as I was head down in work. Then the same happened to me as everyone else, lockdown hit, life got a revaluated, I realised that I was missing out on life whilst focusing on work.

I decided change my life, to make things more interesting and to improve my health so took up running, I started lifting weights and got myself fit, I am probably the fittest I have ever been and for the first time in many years I feel really good about myself, according to people who I ask (and sometimes people who I don’t) I look good, although I will add I still don’t quite believe them, even though I know logically I look reasonably attractive. I went out with friends more, and when Covid had died down I started dating. I am centre left politically, but not political, I tend to keep up with current affairs so I know what is going on, as well as sport for the social aspect, but I am reasonably relaxed with all of that, happy to go with the flow in discussions. To finish it off 6ft 1in tall, all my own teeth, short hair. I tend to favour planning rather than total spontaneity, but I am not against short notice ideas, it would just be unlikely to be “Let’s go to France for the weekend” on a Friday morning, but no problem with booking it for the next weekend, or going for a night out in London a few hours later etc. I am sensible with money, I do not like to waste it, I see it as a utility rather than an end itself, which means I can afford to go to nicer places, but I am equally relaxed going and having a picnic in the park, or a walk and a coffee. I keep my home clean and tidy, it’s not a bachelor pad, but also not a family home either.
I am not an alpha male by any stretch, I am not interesting in competing with people, just doing what I feel is the best I can/need to (eg. I am not working 60+ hours again if I don’t need to), I earn enough to not need to worry about money and that perhaps does give me a relaxed attitude that takes away pressures.

So I have been on several dates, they seem to start off well, they seem to find me interesting, they seem to enjoy sex, or I can go on a night out and meet someone, a few times that has ended up in sex, again no complaints there as they have all wanted to repeat the experience. I am apparently good to talk to, although I will admit I am not the best listener as I know I look to fix a problem, rather than be someone who just sits and listens, but I am working on that. Most of the women seem to end up not wanting a relationship, but want to be friends, a friends with benefits situation, or they are very intense at the start, then fade off quickly, two have been very intense at the start, faded off, then expected to pick everything up a few months later. Wives of friends think I would make a great catch, my sister’s friends think I would make a great catch (already paired up, and would not do anything that close to home anyway).

So I guess I am looking for answers as to why I keep falling into either friends or friends with benefits situations, rather than a relationship? What could I do to improve myself, what might I need to change?

Fire away, I suspect some of you will probably be brutally honest, but I think I need that because everyone I know who I ask says they don’t know why, but that does not really seem to add up.

You sound like you have your life together and I don't see any red flags.

I agree with people who have said it's a numbers game and you just haven't met the right person yet.

You sound very self aware. Keep working on you.

Don't refer to woman as being crazy on dates. Most guys I've dated who have called woman crazy I usually find out (down the line) it's because they have drove them crazy!!!

You sound like you’ve spent decades not wanting to settle down but now you do you’re surprised women aren’t pathetically and desperately falling at your feet. Life doesn’t revolve around only what you want

To me OP, this sounds like normal, you just have to keep going until you both click.
It will probably happen when you least expect it.
But always be yourself, you'll find someone , keep going OP

OP, you may just be the long awaited answer for anyone suffering from insomnia. Your post was so boring, it should come with a government warning to not drive or operate heavy machinery straight after reading it. I stopped reading after just a a few paragraphs. The most likely reason is that you bore women if you anything like this in real life:

Yeah I’m not getting any humour or lightheartedness from your posts. As someone currently on OLD sites I’d swipe right past you purely for being so impressed with yourself for your own teeth/hair/fit body/good job but not making me smile at all. I’ve read this whole thread without cracking a smile even once, which must be a first for mumsnet - I usually find myself laughing out loud at MN. I don’t want to be mean, but maybe you’re just a bit dull. And for some women this will be ok, but you’ll need to meet someone in person you can get to know because with OLD you have to be able to sell yourself in a few lines on your profile and a few text chats. It’s brutal no doubt, but given that everything else you’ve said seems to make you a catch on paper, I can only say what I see, which is that I would choose a funny, but overweight, bald and less conventionally attractive man over a 6ft handsome bore any day.

You’ve been on a few dates OP! A lot of us did online dating for a number of years before meeting our DPs. Most dates won’t lead to a relationship, it takes a while to meet someone you can have a relationship with - the exception. That’s normal OP, not a reflection on you. If both people are physically attracted to each other them sex is often inevitable but it doesn’t mean you’ll end up together. In my opinion you come across as a reasonable decent enough guy, but someone who is quite clueless about dating and relationships.

I'm sorry that some of the responses have been rather harsh and brutal - I hope you don't take any of the comments to heart and let it affect your self esteem/confidence.

I wonder whether you need to have a good think about what exactly you are looking for...obviously this question tends to crop up on dates and if you're giving a wishy washy answer, then maybe women are concerned that you may be a time waster and not looking for anything serious (when perhaps they are)...I know that this would put me off massively.

I met my husband online dating and we didn't end up sleeping together for 2 months, as we both wanted to build a connection before jumping into bed with eachother. I'm by means a prude, but it made me feel so respected and he was probably the only man I dated that wasn't sexual in the early stages, but yet still made me feel attractive...that went a long way and was so refreshing!

Good luck, your LOVELY lady will be out there somewhere ;) x

"How could women possibly not like me, I find one that does want me, but label her crazy and don't want her" ..... maybe there's something really annoying about you!! Oh and you're the type of man that turns to 'mumsnet', yeah, I can't possibly imagine whats putting them off you...

OP,
FWIW I think you're getting the typical MN "battering" 😂
People on here only have your 'words' to go on, so that's what they'll pick up on.

You sound pretty 'intense' (clingy) but there's nothing wrong with that.

Have a read of this?

Some advice at the bottom of the page with a bit of background theory too on Imago Matches.

Find Mr. Right or Ms. Right
www.alturtle.com/archives/1065

Best of luck: As many have said it should be just a matter of time & persistence looking in the right places.

OP, you sound very loveable! As others have said, it’s about numbers, You just have to persevere. Long before OLD existed, I tried dating through ‘lonely hearts’ ads. Met some perfectly nice men, but no spark. Went out with another for a few weeks. Lost interest and gave up. Had several relationships with men I met in other ways. Met someone I really liked at a discussion group in a pub, forexample. Met y lovely DH through friends.

Don’t be disheartened. Keep doing things you enjoy, a great way to meet like-minded people, as well as OLD, friends of friends etc. Good luck!

This. There have been a few unnecessarily bitchy comments from some.

You sound a bit boring and the sexism shines through.

Hey there. Having done the online dating thing, I would concur that it is a numbers game. Everyone who signs up is looking for something and has possibly thought deeply (over-thought?) about what they are looking for. Women who want to have children may have a priority no-nonsense approach to potential time-wasters, and while that might seem crazy, it is rational though not necessarily something one might want to hear on a first date.

it strikes my that setting up and owning your own business, your circle of friends, and your commitment to health and fitness, are very positive attributes. I don’t get a sense of what else you like to do, and as an emotional connection and mutual interest, what could a potential date latch on to - films, theatre, hikes, frisbee, nice food, pub quizzes? So do you have a natural habitat or a comfort space where you are at your best and most relaxed, that isn’t work or running?

im dating someone a few months now (we are both past the child age) and a struggle I have had is figuring out what he wants to DO in his spare time when he is meeting a woman. Figuring out how you value and enjoy your free time, in a fulfilling way, is a key to who you are. I feel I am driving things a lot because he seems to spend his weekend time studying or cleaning his house, and I found it hard to create a common ground.

“"I will know when I meet her" ”

And this is it. That’s about chemistry, connection, that spark.

Put simply, you haven’t found what YOU are looking for yet.

Everyone you’re meeting isn’t quite right for you, be that they only want a FWB or have a spreadsheet with timeframes on (lol). If they were right for you it would be different. You’d be fine with the FWB or you’d be completely smitten with Spreadsheet Woman. Neither are what you are looking for so it’s a bit pointless wasting time on more dates to get to know them and see if a spark develops.

It’s not you. It’s not them. It’s just… life.

Don’t change who you are to attract someone (imagine keeping that charade up long term). Just be you and you will attract and be attracted to the right person FOR YOU. And besides, any woman with her wits about her can spot a fake a mile off.

… Are you being fake now? Is that what these women are picking up on? Are you trying to be somebody you’re not in order to impress them? There lies the path of sorrow.

Please just enjoy your life and stop over-analysing all this. It isn’t a “problem to be solved”. It isn’t even a problem to be dissected and understood. It isn’t even a problem.

It’s just how things are.

I think @snargle summed it up far more succinctly than I just have!

I think you just keep going on dates and keep being yourself and at some point you'll come across a lady that's appreciates you for you.

Keep working on any part of you that you need to (ie the listening rather than fixing).

Don't offer sex immediately, wait a few dates to see where things might be going.

Id be a bit taken aback if a guy turned up to a forts date with a spreadsheet of lifetime plans so I'm not sure why you're getting quite so much grief about that.

There is someone out there for everyone. Have patience and enjoy dating.

Agree

So go from there. Every town in the Country has a running club, tbh that's where I would start.

Live music is tricky, hardly the easiest place to strike up a conversation but doable. You don't say how old you are but I am guessing 40's. At this age for lots of women FWB is basically all we are up for. Especially if they have already done the 2.4 children thing.

This may help you have more interesting dates:

Do you talk about yourself non-stop during the dates or are you genuinely interested in the date and ask her questions about herself ?

although I will admit I am not the best listener as I know I look to fix a problem, rather than be someone who just sits and listens, but I am working on that.

This will be your issue. Most women will not want to date a man who does not listen to them. Even more infuriating to have a man butt in and try and solve issues rather than just listening.

Could it be the conversation? You say you work and go to the gym, but those topics generally aren't very interesting, so what are you passionate about? What things make you laugh or cry?

For me, the 2 main things that can change a man from friend to lover is if he has a twinkle in his eye and can also make me laugh. As posters have already said, a less physically attractive man can elevate himself above a more attractive man by being more interested in his date (asking open questions, wanting to find out about her) and connecting over shared humour.

But dating really is a numbers game so don't be surprised that most don't get beyond 1 or 2 dates. Statistically most won't become long term.

It sounds like you're shagging them too early.
Wait so that you can build up more of a relationship before you do it. Ideally until after marriage.

You sound absolutely fine to me. Holding off on sex until you know a woman a bit better is a good idea, but I think you probably jus haven’t met the right person. I agree with PP that meeting through a shared interest
might be a better (and more
fun!) path to something long term.

Well if he's going to do that, let's hope for the sake of his wife the problem isn't the sex itself.
Which I admit did occur to me as a possibility, given that after sex seems to be the point the women are dropping out.

@5128gap I get what you mean, as a convert who's had a lot of (often bad) sex, it feels like it'd be a nightmare to marry someone who turns out to be perma-impotent or a 30 second wonder or something.

But waiting would make it more likely to ensure they have a relationship based on shared values and a strong friendship that would endure.