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Original poster

Ex coming to house for contact

86 replies

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 15:46

Does anyone else’s ex have contact by coming to your house to see the children? If so does it work? How? Do you stay or go elsewhere? Does it feel like you are still in a relationship? Just looking for others people’s experiences of this set up

OP posts:
TossACoinToYerWitcher · 19/08/2022 16:04

Personally? Tried it a cople of times, but put the kibosh on it quite quickly (mutually agreed).In thefirst instance, it didn't help me, since having to leave at the end, I kept being painfully reminded that I we were no longer a family, which made it harder to mourn and move on. Secondly, kids found it confusing - I heard that they prefer when there's definite boundaries between "dad's place" and "mum's place". One or the other being there muddies this.

RedWingBoots · 19/08/2022 16:04

Unless you are never going to have another relationship in your life while you should - if you can just about stand each other - allow your ex to come to pick up and drop off your joint children, you shouldn't allow contact in your house.

It is summer and he can take them to the nearest playground or Macdonalds until he has somewhere else suitable he can take them.

Allowing contact in your home will confuse your children and not allow clear boundaries to be established that their parents are no longer together.

NotaCoolMum · 19/08/2022 16:05

My Ex used to do this. Until I stopped it. He spent the entire time trying to get back together and sat on his arse watching tv.

can I ask why he needs to do it at your house? X

Vecnasnurse · 19/08/2022 16:08

Tried it with ex and it was an absolute nightmare. The only thing he didn't do was spend time with the kids because he was too busy eating my food, drinking my coffee, using my Internet, taking a shit, chatting on his phone, and regaling me with endless pointless monologues that made me want to push his head into the wall.

Original poster
FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 16:10

He’s not able to take them to his so that’s out of the question this is the only way for contact. I have no intentions of dating again so that’s not an issue personally.

OP posts:
MarryMeTomHardy · 19/08/2022 16:11

Vecnasnurse · 19/08/2022 16:08

Tried it with ex and it was an absolute nightmare. The only thing he didn't do was spend time with the kids because he was too busy eating my food, drinking my coffee, using my Internet, taking a shit, chatting on his phone, and regaling me with endless pointless monologues that made me want to push his head into the wall.

Are you me?
This is exactly what my ex was like !
Massive stinky crap every single time, like he stored it up specifically 😒

Original poster
FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 16:13

MarryMeTomHardy · 19/08/2022 16:11

Are you me?
This is exactly what my ex was like !
Massive stinky crap every single time, like he stored it up specifically 😒

Show quote history

🤢

OP posts:
Aeio · 19/08/2022 16:15

Every time i let my ex in he outstays his welcome and does a shit. Maybe a power thing? "You might not want me but you can still clean my skid marks, bitch".

He doesn't come in anymore.

cestlavielife · 19/08/2022 16:17

Yes
Big mistake
Do not do this
Pls learn from everyone who says do not do this

MintJulia · 19/08/2022 16:20

I agreed to this so ds did not have to spend hours and hours on a motorway with a former drunk

It works ok for us as long as there are some ground rules.


  1. he can help himself to coffee but that is all. He takes ds to b/king for lunch.

  2. He is not welcome upstairs

  3. He is there to see ds. I may be around but I am not interested in talking more than Hello.

  4. There will be no snooping, commenting or interfering in my running of my house. It is none of his business

  5. If I am having a family party or am poorly, he will stay away that weekend.

I admit after 6 hours I can't wait to be rid of him though.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 19/08/2022 16:22

Looool my ex also leaves skid marks in my toilet.

mine has come to the house twice a week to see the kids for 2 years. I work long shifts so he only comes when I am not there. I tolerate it because he has substance misuse issues and it’s better for him to come to us to see the kids, plus the house is his and he has moved in with his parents.

he trashed the place every time though, and I think murderous thoughts when I get home.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 19/08/2022 16:24

I can’t say the kids are confused by it though, it’s better for them than being shunted between houses IMO

SkirridHill · 19/08/2022 16:32

I'm having to do this with ex as he doesn't have a place to live. It's a thousand miles away from being idea, but I maintain my sanity by sticking to the following rules:

  • he doesn't help himself to anything from my cupboards. I make him a coffee when he arrives.
  • My bedroom is completely off-limits
  • We don't talk about the breakup (he has form for trying to push his own narrative and likes to do it in front of DC)

It's still a bloody nightmare though, and the reality is that because I'm there DC reverts to me as default parent for all of her needs. He does very little parenting (nothing new there!).

SkirridHill · 19/08/2022 16:33

*being ideal

Original poster
FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 16:39

I like the idea of having some rules. Unfortunately can’t say upstairs is off limits as the only toilet is upstairs and by reading these comments he will be finding an excuse to use it 🤮
my bedroom will be off limits that’s for sure.

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 19/08/2022 16:41

No. Don’t do it.
I understand you’re doing it for the kids etc, but it’s not your problem. If all he can manage is a play area, lunch and a movie, then so be it, that’s 6 hours today, come again tomorrow for the same, longer if you want to take the kids somewhere, but not in your house.

Mine demanded a coffee and then had a massive go at me when I said no. I’m busy, you’re not welcomed, you’re here to pick DD not socialise with me. He didn’t take his shoes off and plonked himself on the sofa, put his feet on the coffee table and threw a ‘you’re making a coffee, then?’ Why? Apparently because he’s been at work the whole day, he’s tired, and now he had to come by and pick DD up, it’s the least I could offer him.
He then went round the house commenting: and is this where his hard earned money goes, on luxuries for you?

The next time he came, he demanded I let him in. I said no, you can wait outside till she’s ready. He tried to push past, I called the police.
You don’t need this shit.

HandbagsnGladrags · 19/08/2022 16:44

Don't do it. It's not your problem to find him a place where he can see his kids. Apart from it being confusing for the kids, why on earth would you want your ex in the house?

I let mine inside in the very early days, mostly to wait for DD if she wasn't ready or whatever. I put a stop to it when I found him in my living room, feet up, remote for the TV in his hand. Fuck off out of my house now please, and don't ever come back.

Spanielsarepainless · 19/08/2022 16:45

A neighbour does this. EOW she stays with her mother.

Original poster
FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 16:48

Wish I had family to stay with! Not an option unfortunately would book a hotel but don’t want to do that incase he messes around and I lose my money. He won’t take them out.

OP posts:
jsvacation · 19/08/2022 16:50

Do not allow visits in your home. How old are your children? He can rake them to the park or for a walk! It's all about control with him.

HandbagsnGladrags · 19/08/2022 16:51

OP if he won't take them out then it sounds like he can't see the kids. Don't let him hold you over a barrel.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/08/2022 16:52

what is the reason he has to do it at your house. I know you won’t want to be specific but just vaguely why?

if it’s just because he wants to do it at yours then I’d say no. I think I’d only do contact at my house if there was literally no other option and I thought it was the best for the children long term.

Original poster
FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:01

He lives in a HMO so not suitable, he also lives 2 hours away so doesn’t want to travel down to just take them to the park and go back.

OP posts:
fufflecake · 19/08/2022 17:04

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:01

He lives in a HMO so not suitable, he also lives 2 hours away so doesn’t want to travel down to just take them to the park and go back.

That's on him. My DH travelled that far to take his kids to the park or a swimming pool or just to the library. He doesn't need to come into your house.

fufflecake · 19/08/2022 17:06

He won’t take them out. that's really sad but not a reason to let him into your house