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Relationships

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Original poster

Ex coming to house for contact

86 replies

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 15:46

Does anyone else’s ex have contact by coming to your house to see the children? If so does it work? How? Do you stay or go elsewhere? Does it feel like you are still in a relationship? Just looking for others people’s experiences of this set up

OP posts:

Vecnasnurse · 19/08/2022 17:07

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:01

He lives in a HMO so not suitable, he also lives 2 hours away so doesn’t want to travel down to just take them to the park and go back.

None of that is your problem to solve.

Too often these men fail to get their fucking lives together because they know even after separation, we will still step in and do it for them to protect the children from the shit show that is their father.

Obviously I don't know your DP so cannot say for sure that that is what's happening, but I have experience of a useless ex like many on this thread.

Terfydactyl · 19/08/2022 17:14

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 15:46

I did allow it, 3 weeks later I had to stop it and he either took them out (where I did not care) or didnt come. He ended up not bothering. Which while very sad for the kids was entirely down to him.
There was several local libraries, a swimming pool, two parks, an entire town centre with multiple McDonalds etc and more. If he had bothered his lazy backside he could have found many many free events for children that were under cover, useful, sometimes had free food, but no he thought our house was better.
It wasn't going well for the children, this blurred lines thing. They often thought we must be getting back together as he was in the house treating it and us as he always had.

HandbagsnGladrags · 19/08/2022 17:17

Sorry OP but I feel like you're ignoring all of the unanimous 'don't do it' responses and finding reasons to enable his shitness. House problems aren't yours to solve.

HandbagsnGladrags · 19/08/2022 17:17

His problems

NeedSleepNow · 19/08/2022 17:18

For the last year my ex has only seen the kids here at the former marital home. We still own it jointly (current going through divorce proceedings and trying to agree what to do about the house) so legally he can come and go as he wants.

He is renting a 1 bed place so can not have the kids to stay and just wants to see them here which usually involves him watching TV, eating my food, commenting on the state of the house and telling the kids he can't afford anywhere to live which is big enough for them to visit, as Mummy hasn't given him his money yet.

I hate it. We have separated but I still see him so often, I feel I have no safe space away from him and neither do the kids. I can't wait to sort our finances and to legally have a separate home each. He certainly won't be coming over once I own my own home.

It's definitely not an arrangement I would recommend unless there really is no alternative!

Quizzed · 19/08/2022 17:19

My exh normally has ds at his house however every Monday that it is his day to have ds he picks ds up from my house and takes ds to cubs he then waits at my house until ds finishes cubs and picks ds up. It is pure torture having him in the house and I can't do anything about it as the house is jointly owned by us both. I normally pop the shops or sit in the garden if it's nice enough waiting for the time he leaves. He just walks in like he owns the place, makes a mess and helps himself to food. Comments on how tidy the place is, generally it's a clean house with a few toys for ds about the place like most normal people have. The house is going up for sale in September and I cannot wait until the day he cannot come into my house any longer.
So overall I would not recommend having your ex to see the kids in your own home unless you have a really amicable relationship.

RedWingBoots · 19/08/2022 17:31

He lives in a HMO so not suitable, he also lives 2 hours away so doesn’t want to travel down to just take them to the park and go back.

It is not your problem to solve you are not in a relationship with him anymore and he is an adult.

Also he doesn't want to take them to the park or out elsewhere because that means he has to concentrate solely on his children for the 2-6 hours he is with them. He's use to someone or something else doing most of the parenting for him.

Oh and you may not want to date now but years time you may want to. If you don't establish your boundaries now he will be still finding excuses to enter your house to shit in your toilet and leave skid marks when your children are adults in their 20s. There as if you say he can't have contact in your house and establish other firm boundaries, he may actually mature and gain some manners.

Original poster

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:40

I don’t want to date I’ve been single for 5 years we split up a long time ago it’s just clear his living situation is not going to change so have to work with what I have

OP posts:

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 19/08/2022 17:42

this is the only way for contact.

It isn't though, is it?

He's travelling to spend time with his kids. Makes no odds if they're in your house or not.

cestlavielife · 19/08/2022 17:42

He choses where to live
Stop facilitating

feckingknackered · 19/08/2022 17:46

Tried this it did not work. He rooted through my stuff.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/08/2022 17:46

Personally I wouldn’t allow it for that reason, Simply because I wouldn’t want the invasion into my home and would want clear boundaries between what is my space and what is his. As others have already said, his contact is his responsibility to sort out. I’d be worried that you’d be starting a pattern of “facilitating” his contact when he should be taking ownership of organising it himself.

Having said that only you know your relationship and if you think you can manage contact at your home without it resulting in issues then go for it. Very few ex-partners would manage this long term though because usually there is some bad/awkward/hard feelings. BUT if there are any issues about abuse/control/manipulation etc the. I’d say absolutely no to the contact at your home.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/08/2022 17:47

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:40

I don’t want to date I’ve been single for 5 years we split up a long time ago it’s just clear his living situation is not going to change so have to work with what I have

He has to work with what he has?

Naunet · 19/08/2022 17:49

I’ve not experienced this as a parent, but as a child my dad lived a fair drive away, so he used to come, pick us up and then take us to the cinema and then for dinner, or swimming, the beach, shopping etc. Worked for us.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 19/08/2022 17:49

How old are the children?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 19/08/2022 18:06

Mine lives abroad so when he comes back and stays in a hotel he doesn’t really have anywhere useful to take the DCs. He comes to the house for dinner with us all, takes everyone out (including me if I want to go) and sometimes I will book a holiday and he stays at the house. I usually come home to it cleaner than when I left, any non-working light bulbs replaced, old food chucked out and odd jobs done . Feeling quite lucky reading these.

I think it depends a lot on how old the DCs are too - mine are old enough not to be confused about anything and they have seen us both in other relationships so know that it doesn’t mean we’re getting back together. For younger ones that may be an issue.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 19/08/2022 18:08

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:01

He lives in a HMO so not suitable, he also lives 2 hours away so doesn’t want to travel down to just take them to the park and go back.

Those sound like his problems, not yours. What is contact like at the moment?

iamjustwinginglife · 19/08/2022 18:08

Like loads of others I tried this-it was a nightmare!! It's his responsibility to sort out his circumstances so he can see his children; he needs to get his act together

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/08/2022 18:10

Did he move 2 hours away or did you?

Personally I'd have the kids ready and dressed at the door in their coats at his arrival time. He can take them anywhere. Park, beach, cinema, walks, out for food. Not your problem!

stealthninjamum · 19/08/2022 18:16

Op why does he live two hours away? Did you move that distance or did he? I would have a bit more sympathy to him coming over if it was you that had.

Im in the position that my dc refuse to go to their dad’s flat so the only way to have a relationship with them is for him to come over here. I don’t mind if I’m here but when I’ve gone away for a weekend he stays here and I hate having him in my house. He does stuff like turning the heating down, locking windows closed (and hiding the key), using a toilet and leaving the seat up and wearing shoes around the house (he never did either of these when married) and getting the carpet dirty. I want my dc to have a relationship with their dad, and we still own the house jointly, but I worry that when we finally divorce and I move out dc will chose not to see him.

HotWashCycle · 19/08/2022 18:20

NeedSleepNow and Quizzed
Surely his ownership or joint ownership of the house does not mean he can just swan in anytime if he does not live there and you do? It is your HOME, not just a piece of property. You are entitled to privacy. It is a bit like a landlord - they can't just come in anytime without being invited just because they own the building.
To you OP - his living arrangements and travel arrangements are not your concern. You do not have to facilitate his organising these for himself. He needs to step up and parent his children himself. If he comes to yours he will only start treating it and you as though you are beholden to him. Don't do it. These boundaries are really important.

JackieDaws · 19/08/2022 18:23

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:40

I don’t want to date I’ve been single for 5 years we split up a long time ago it’s just clear his living situation is not going to change so have to work with what I have

Oh bugger that. Refer yourself to a contact centre and he can see the children there.

fufflecake · 19/08/2022 18:26

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:40

I don’t want to date I’ve been single for 5 years we split up a long time ago it’s just clear his living situation is not going to change so have to work with what I have

He has to work with what he has. Your role is to make the kids available as per any contact agreement you have. That is it. He wants to see them he has to take them out somewhere. He has no reason to come into your house and I don't think it's fair on the kids.

RedWingBoots · 19/08/2022 18:31

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 17:40

I don’t want to date I’ve been single for 5 years we split up a long time ago it’s just clear his living situation is not going to change so have to work with what I have

Why are you trying to parent your ex?

He's an adult.

His duty is to spend time with your joint kids and while doing so not cause you any distress.

To ensure he doesn't cause you any distress he can spend time with your joint kids away from your house in free places e.g. playgrounds, parks, beaches or places that cost something e.g. MacDonalds, cinema.

Due to the fact you refuse to allow him to step into your home, he may mature and realise he has to change his living situation so it is easier for him to see his kids. I know someone's ex who did that.

bellac11 · 19/08/2022 18:32

The better the relationship between you and their dad the more healthy and positive their lives will be.

Theres nothing wrong with the visits taking place in the home if it works for them.

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