Ex coming to house for contact

[FlyingSaucerss]

Does anyone else’s ex have contact by coming to your house to see the children? If so does it work? How? Do you stay or go elsewhere? Does it feel like you are still in a relationship? Just looking for others people’s experiences of this set up

The deal was he collected dd from school bought her to his mums house and bought her home after tea

The reality he showed up at my house lunch time hung around until it was time to collect dd then he came with me as he didn't know where the classroom was stopped off for a ciggie so he couldn't come onto school property returned to my house (nanny lived further along) where he would tell me that she wasn't in we would have to use my house this would be followed by him trying to steal from my home following me around my home talking to me ignoring her then he would order tea off me like I owed him a meal I fed him a few times but then I found out about the stealing and stopped that he wailed like a baby demanded to know just how he was supposed to last all day without food I told him your not supposed to BE HERE so he said FINE I will collect her from school myself! (Great) yeah he didn't show up

I lived in a shared house with 6 people. One was a dad. He usually took his two two kids out but occasionally they came to our house when it was miserable out. They'd watch films together in the lounge and the rest of us would leave them to it. It really wasn't an issue at all.

My ex did this for a very short while. He also lived in a hmo. I came back after being out a few hours he was sat in his pants lounging on the sofa after using the shower the whole house had a trail of destruction from where he had been. Cooked breakfast (he at least bought his own bacon) and no doubt left his mark in the toilet too.

He at least had the decency to look sheepish got dressed and took kids out. That was the last time. He now comes takes the kids and brings them back now.

Oh stop being a martyr and let him parent himself! You don't "have to work with what you've got", you have to allow him to have his kids. Not in your home.

We did this for a couple months and it was utter hell. I had rules similar to PP and he disrespected all of them. He's very controlling and the type to take a mile of given an inch. He also spent all his time following me around, snooping, trying ti get on my phone 'accidentally finding' things and basically getting very very comfortable. I had to stop it.
Recently he mentioned a great job but it being 3 hours away so he'd have to stay at mine for contact and I told him fuck no. I don't like him being in my space at all and he will never soend a night under the same roof as me ever again.

Trust me we’ve tried all the you come down and take them out but he never sticks to it, there is no contact at the moment because of this, he would not stick to it we’ve tried he doesn’t want to travel 4 hours in one day and I’m not willing to meet half way or drop them there for him to have them for just a day, weekend/ even overnight fine but not for the day I would rather him just come to mine than do that, he moved away but he moved back to where he lived originally before we got together so he moved back to where his friends and family are so that’s understandable I have moved since we split but within the same borough. I get the points about the kids going to his but that’s not possible either because of the distance (like I said 4 hours of travelling in one day)

Trust me we’ve tried all the you come down and take them out but he never sticks to it, there is no contact at the moment because of this, he would not stick to it we’ve tried he doesn’t want to travel 4 hours in one day that's his choice. Others do this.

OP why did you come on here asking for opinions from people who have done this, only to ignore them? You've obviously made your mind up so off you pop, make your ex a coffee and pass him the TV remote.

I’m not ignoring, he won’t take them if he can’t have them at mine I see others have said their ex made other arrangements once they couldn’t have them at theirs but that isn’t the case here and he won’t make other arrangements (he’s had long enough to and hasn’t)

Then he doesn't see the kids

You won't be doing yourself any favours by doing this. You might not want another relationship but you still need to move on.
He will be in your own, be able to see everything going on in your life. You won't have any privacy.
I've learnt the hard way, but you need your own life for your and your children's sake.

Yep, exactly my thoughts @fufflecake

OMG, do we have the same ex?!

Don't do it OP

Contact isnt for the benefit of the non resident parent its for the children.

It's for the non resident parent to show up and take them out then. It is not in the children's interest to have him in their mums house.

If he won't do that then he is not acting in their best interest

Do you know these children?

And your next comment is highly manipulative - its in every child's interest to see their parents getting on and working together, that might include for some families that their parents see the children together, in their homes.

It’s not as easy to say well he just doesn’t see them then, he hasn’t been seeing them as I stopped contact at mine and insisted he took them out but he won’t stick to it so he’s just not seeing them now (like I said others exes have made other arrangements when they have done this, he hasn’t and won’t) my children want to see their father and I would like some time to myself where I can go out and do things on my own without having to always have my children with me every minute of the day.

Yes at first, but it’s always temporary. It can’t be sustained. However it does have an up side, the child is in their home which if they are very young, a baby proof home with loads of toys is very handy. It makes for easier transitions. But it has to be something that you think is good from your point of view OP, not just his. If it’s just for him, then reconsider.

I did it because my Ex didn’t have a suitable place for our young toddler, but would, if pushed, taken DS to his mates house or his mums 50 miles away. So as a compromise, I said have DS in our home and I went out for the day or even just to a cafe. Then after a few months I booked up playgroups or activities for them to go out to, and then the park near my house. And then it just naturally stopped when DS was older and even though he still didn’t have a great place to take him, enough was enough really. But if I hadn’t, DS would have been quite disrupted in himself I think, so for me I did it for DS.

If you think it's the only way, then by all means try it. Just be sure to have firm rules in place regarding food, access to other areas of the house, using your amenities, etc. Don't be afraid or feel guilty to put a stop to it if he starts to take the piss. He is already emotionally blackmailing you by refusing to see the kids unless you allow access to your home.

So he can't be bothered to travel a couple of hours and take the kids out for the day because it's a waste of time. Fuck that OP if he really wanted to see his kids even once a month he would do it. I wouldn't be letting him see the kids at my house, that's my space and I wouldn't want him rooting around and making a mess I'd have to clean up.

For you - Your ex is a lazy and unreliable person. I agree that you do need support, but you won't get it from him. Put your energy into building up local friendships with decent people. It takes a village and all that. You can swap childcare favours and help each other out through all the years ahead. Don't rely on getting a break now and then from someone who can't be bothered to even take his children to the park.

For your kids - keep giving your ex the opportunity to come and take them out, in years to come if your kids are fed any nonsense that you stopped their dad seeing them, you will have the texts to show otherwise.

Making friends as an adult I’ve found impossible so that’s not an option, I never made any friends at the school gates their school is pretty unfriendly and where I live most people are elderly and keep to themselves, my ex is really the only option and I’m not doing it for him trust me I’m not, if it gives me a few hours to myself occasionally then it will be worth it, I have my kids full time otherwise, I know he is lazy and pathetic he said he would come down every 2 weeks to take them out for the day and that meant taking them to the park for 45 mins before bringing them back (when he said take them out for the day I thought he literally meant for the day not 45 mins) he then stopped bothering.

OP you'd already made up your mind when you posted on here so I don't understand the point of posting. Just crack on.

If you ex wanted to see me he would.

no he only wants if on his terms at maximise inconvenience to you