should i just get over myself?

[green]

Could i ask for a reality check please?

My husband is a 'good' man and he is a great dad. We've had some serious ups and downs (prob more downs that ups)- I've had post natal depression, he's had an affair. We have been in couples therapy on and off for 4 years.

The basic problems are that he is emotionally not HERE, very very distant. I'm not sure if he is unable or unwilling to make an emotional connection? Secondly, I feel often undermined by him.

Should I just get over myself and realise that marriage is a comprimise and I need to find other ways to be happy - I appreciate my self esteem is my responsibility and maybe I need to fill my life more with other supportive people to fill our lack of emotional bond.

Anyone else had this and made a decision to leave in order to find potential greater happiness, or is that a really risky game to play?

He calls you needy - so ask him what it is he thinks you need. If he can answer that, it may stick in his head to sometimes supply what it is you need, rather than you trying to tell him and him not listening.

Hi all

Just to say we are off skiing this morning. Am going to attempt a really positive outlook and see how it is.
Obviously feel positive about skiing, I'm giddy with excitement - I mean about us.

LW - asking him those sorts of questions is just what he can't cope with. He just really can't 'discuss' needs/emotions etc. He'll just try and get the conversation over with asap.

CC - Yes, I agree, I really do. I know we can't be everything to eachother and I commend you for all your roles. BUT its just about what level of comprimise I'm willing to make IYKWIM, especially in Sheffield with few friends around to fill those other roles. BUT I'm gonna give it a go.

I think I've worked out what one of the biggest issues is. I'm not allowed to have negative feelings - if I am I am being unfair or unreasonable.
2 examples:

1. Mothers Day. I asked if I could have an hour to myself to do some yoga which was agreed upon. On return from our walk in the morning he disappeared for 2 hours in the garden with out any discussion/warning. I had decided I couldn't be bothered to fight about it so didn't act. When he came back in (too late for me to have an hour to myself) he sensed I wasn't tip top and after much badgering I told him I wasn't angry but disappointed that he had done that. He then told me I was unreasonable to feel that way.
2. Today. I am sick with chest infection and he kindly offered to come home at 5 to help with dinner/bed etc. He called at 4.45 to say he didn't think he could do it as he had a bit more work to do and then would hit rush hour. I said again in a narky voice, I wish you wouldn't make promises if you are going to break them. He did actually then come home and when he got back I said thank you. But later he said he was cross with me as I had been unfair to say that on the phone.

If ever I express disatisfaction with him or a situation, he says I'm being mean, or unfair etc. So I don't know where to put my feelings IYKWIM. Am I being petty?

You need to be able to express your feelings. My personal view, these days, is that every feeling is fine and valid. But what you do with them can be a problem.

That being said:

Case 1: You should have gone and told him in the garden that there was a problem - rather than leaving him to it, and then being resentful about it. If you want an hour to yourself, then you should have that hour, and you should make clear when you want it.

Case 2: This is the usual negotiation of marriage. But narky is (imo) not the best way forward. Saying "I really was hoping you'd make it home, I am in a bad way, and need the help" probably would have got him home, and less pissed off.

In both cases, talking honestly and straightforwardly about your feelings early in the process would be better, I think. And, ime, sitting down and writing down how I feel and thinking about it, before having a 'I'm annoyed that you X' sort of conversation, often produces better results.

You are of course right I should have done those things.
I feel in a way that this is the behaviour I have retreated into in a way, because its just not worth talking the talk sometimes - its just not listened to. Maybe that is lazy of me?
When I try to talk to him rationally in a sit down sort of a way, or try to explain my pov I often get the line from him "i only want to hear good news stories".
But having said that NQC, you are right and I should behave more maturely, and not be narky.

yeh but green baby ( it is I tmd in a new york stylee) you have tried, and tried, and tried, no wonder you are exhausted.

Saying he only wants to hear good news stories is cutting out half of existence. And really irritating to boot.

However, NQC is also right, that IDEALLY you would not be narky. And that you definitely should have specifically asked for help rather than waited and then been resentful.

What does the therapist say about the good news stories thing?

Yeah, I totally understand being weary with it - but surely if being direct and not-narky doesn't get good results, being narky certainly won't.

Does he only give you good news?