should i just get over myself?

[green]

Could i ask for a reality check please?

My husband is a 'good' man and he is a great dad. We've had some serious ups and downs (prob more downs that ups)- I've had post natal depression, he's had an affair. We have been in couples therapy on and off for 4 years.

The basic problems are that he is emotionally not HERE, very very distant. I'm not sure if he is unable or unwilling to make an emotional connection? Secondly, I feel often undermined by him.

Should I just get over myself and realise that marriage is a comprimise and I need to find other ways to be happy - I appreciate my self esteem is my responsibility and maybe I need to fill my life more with other supportive people to fill our lack of emotional bond.

Anyone else had this and made a decision to leave in order to find potential greater happiness, or is that a really risky game to play?

Could your DH be depressed at all?? My DH has always suffered with depression and I know that when I had PND after DD was born I couldn't connect with him as I knew I couldn't handle the way he was feeling and his problems on top of my own.

It does sound to me that he loves you, but has different ways of showing it. To run a bath for you without asking shows that a) he has listened to you an b) responded in kind. I think you have had a lot of good advice here. Now that you seem to have broken through to your DH and made him acknowledge that things are not right, could you not agree a six month period during which you can work at it together and find a way to emotionally connect that does not leave him feeling uncomfortable and gives you the emotional grounding and re-assurance you need??

I am going through something slightly similar, in that we moved south three years ago and it is my DH that is unhappy down here. I have also said to him that I did not think he would be happy if we moved back north as he is a glass half full kind of guy and it wouldn't matter where we were or what we were doing as he would always have the black dog about him. He has agreed this and we have given a six month deadline before we decide on the next step. I still have to get him into counselling though as I feel this is the only way he can move himself forward as trying to be his own therapist is not working.... It is hard. I feel very needy as there is little affection or emotional connection coming my way and it destabilises me in a way I never thought it would. I thought I was harder than that! Anyhow, I am waffling now. It does sound that there is something to work for though. For both of us!

Hi cc - no I don't think he is depressed, I really don't. That sounds hard for you though. Maybe if you can't get him to go to therapy, you could get some for yourself - it may shift the balance/ energy and affect him too?

He does love me in his own way, yes. And I love him. But I'm not happy - I'm sick even and on AD's. How much of this is my innate character and how much of it is because I'm isolated and lonely and feel a lack of connection with my dh I don't know.

He has refused to go back to couples counselling now. So I am going alone tonight. He openly admits he thinks problems CAN just go away if you ignore them, even though I have told him I don't believe they can. Do you think it is fair to say that he is not showing the proper respect for my happiness/unhappiness/depression if he won't look at the problems anymore.

I find that even though he is trying - running bath, cooked dinner last night which I am appreciative of, and can see he is making the effort - BUT it feels like empty gestures. Is that hideously unfair of me?

Withering heights - have you ever felt like its not enough? You sound like a thoroughly good half glass full sort of person - I'm not sure I'm as 'good' a person as you?

off to couples counselling alone in 30 mins. feel really shit.

Hi dittany
I'm not good at trusting my own feelings - I feel like I've made far too many mistakes IYKWIM. I'm trying to learn that mistakes are just that and they are the best way to learn, but I'm not there yet.
Spoilt I think refers to how I expect too much from life/ him - I am well supported - I have no real money worries, we go on nice holidays etc but I'm still not satisfied with him. This is how he sees it. But yes, it made me really cross. Its another way in which I feel misunderstood and undermined.

I sometimes think we expect too much from our partners

we get married/live together then everything changes - children/mortgages/geting older etc etc - i think it is a miracle if any relationship survives all that change - basically, the deal changes

i am wondering, do you think that you are doing enough to have fun in your relationship? go out/make each other laugh etc - the men i know hate to talk about feelings/closeness - it bores them senseless - and some women too including me - perhaps having more fun will bring the closeness and happiness you need?

Hi newgirl
I hear what you are saying. I am quite a fun person. Its not easy to have fun when you both feel resentful though. Maybe you are right and life is that simple, but at the moment I can't get in touch with that?

Hi Green, hope you are feeling Ok this morning.

LOL about me being a 'good' person! I wish I could show ny Dh that. I am infact very high maintainance and rather demanding.
I think I am quite like you in many ways.

I guess thugh I am generally a glass half full type person and most of the time do recognise the good life we have and the good person and husband he is despite not always feeling emotionally fulfilled.

BUT I think that reading your posts more carefully your sitaution is much more desolate than mine, you seem to feel totally abandoned. TBH my DH is not great at romance and affection but I have to admit we do communicate and share thoughts so I don't think my situation is as extreme as yours.

HOWEVER I would also say that I am also a generally postive thinker and it does sound as if you have got into a very negative cycle of thinking, have a neagtive viewof him, your relationship, your life and youreslf. People are not necessarily just glass half full or empty type people, it is infact a knack or a habit that you can learn and be taught and that can chamge the way you think. I wonder what type of therapy you are having (what style I mean). With your depression I would suggst that a CBT type therapy would effectiove and could help you with your view of your relationship.

Even if you split I think this would be really helpful for you. If you do spilt you still need to tyr to view him in as positive as way as possible, and maintain as positive relationship as you can so that yours and the childrens lifes are not crushed by the animosity of a split.

I think you do sound like it will be difficult to recover your relationship from this point at this point in time. Maybe consider a spilt but plan a 'good' split IYSWIM together, don't get involved in other reltionships maybe concentate on establishing a life where all 5 of you start to feel happy, and then see wherer that goes...

Hi Green, hope you are doing OK. Been thinking about you

Also been thinking about you too. Hope things are bearing up.

Hi. Thanks for your thoughts. Have been away with ds's for a few days over half term visiting friends.

WH - my therapy is rather 'deep' and gestalt based - this works really well for me as I can rather cleverly trick myself and often the therapist into thinking I am dealing with things when in fact I'm not. Having said that I have read stuff of CBT and do find it useful.

Update:
He is still refusing to come to therapy.
He says he loves me but is not willing anymore to talk about the problems. He says things are fine and he wants me to just get on with things, if we are nice to eachother everything will be ok.
He is making an effort - running me a bath, made supper, bought me a valentines gift.
We are still bickering - he had the audacity to say last night that i take him for granted as he had cleaned the house whilst i was away and i had failed to say thank you. (maybe this was a little 'bad' of me, but found it very hard to listen to given that i cook most nights and put kids to bed etc without any 'appreciation' or recognition ffs)
He is still refusing to talk about moving back to London.

So I am feeling rather back to square one. Guilty for all he does do, but dissatisfied and lonely. Really I could be writing the OP again in this place. AAAAAAARgh! Should I just get over myself?

Oh fuck I'm a mess. Just rang to make a free half hour session with a lawyer. Crying.

Sorry just read the op and your last post so not sure what's happened in between.

Has something specific happened to upset you today or is it just the general "crapness" of how you are feeling?

Haven't posted on your thread before but didn't want to leave it unanswered when you sound so sad.

Thanks Raffaella
No nothing happened - just stuck by the same old same old of it all
Thanks for your replying!

green. Have catted you. Sorry you are feelng so low.

Erm, Green, I'm in Sheffield. If you need a coffee at some point CAT me several other MNers know I am not a hairy trucker!

I am even boring myself now, so thanks for sticking with me guys!
The gifts etc made me see he is making an effort in his own way and makes me feel guilty for wanting more from him. Its just another arena totally- which ok was lacking recently so I do appreciate it. BUT I long for a friendship with him, a togetherness, an energy between us - maybe that sounds too ethereal. All I know is that the other week when I spent some time in London, I met some new people and talked with then (both guys - no attraction) and it felt soooooo new and different. To be having a mutual conversation with interest in what eachother were saying. A desire to know about the other person.
Am I just mad?

PandaG. Thanks for the offer. Could you CAT me - I'm not sure how to do it?

I'm starting to feel guilty too green, yet like you, all I want is the love, togetherness and energy between us. Its surely not too much to ask is it.

Hi green

So difficult to know what to say when I don't know you or your marriage but I can offer my "experience", if you like

I was in what sounds like a similar marriage... I had everything - fantastic house, holidays, loads of material things but I would dread going home at night to sit and stare mindlessly at the tv without any conversation or closeness. We just had nothing to say to each other. Didn't enjoy spending time together. Had a perfunctory and infrequent sex life and no affection.

I left my marriage and no one could understand it. My ex dh was a "good" man - he wasn't abusive, he worked hard and he really tried (in his own way) to make me happy, but he just wasn't for me. Someone once said to me that all marriages have ups and downs but if there are more tears than smiles, then it might not be worth saving.. I would caveat here (and its a pretty substantial caveat) that I did not have dc's with my ex so my decision was probably much easier. I literally could walk away and start a new life

You asked earlier what the most difficult part of splitting up was and for me, it was the "limbo" before making that decision. I lived a half life for 9 months (9 months FFS ! I can't imagine how you have done it for 4 years !) whilst I was thinking shall I or shan't I leave. Am I happy ? It was the worst 9 months of my life. Once I had made the decision , I felt much better. I moved back to be nearer to friends and family and (wanky sentence alert) found myself again and learnt to love myself.

I met someone so much more on my emotional level and am very happy... Those ups and downs are still there obviously - but he is my best friend and look forward to spending time with him. I remember when I used to dread the weekends and now I start getting excited on a Friday afternoon at the prospect of spending some quality time with my dp (and now dd).

Different people are willing to put up with different things in their marriages. For some - the "better or worse" vows are totally non negotiable, even at the expense of their own happiness. I didn't enter into marriage lightly but at the same time, I really do believe that life is too short to spend time in an emotionally barren relationship.

green - email me on pandag at safe hyphen mail dot net

Thanks all - and TSM for your story.
I am feeling a bit more positive today/yesterday and have kicked myself up the bum a bit.
I put this to dh:
I am going to give Sheffield and our marriage another year. I am going to do all in my power to make it work - gonna get a job in Sheff to make friends, going to do some of my old hobbies, make an effort to go out together etc. If after one year still not working, I want to move. He agreed and said thank you for agreeing to this. So atmosphere was much better and I feel more hopeful.
We are off skiing next week, and I feel that it may be a good time to rekindle things.
Oh, gotta dash, will finish later...

green - sounds like a good plan... If you get as much going on in your life to make you happy and your rl with dh is still not enough, then at least you'll know you've given it a really good go...

Good luck x

Well done Green - I think that is an excellent plan - and twelve months is a good time scale to try it out in. As others have said, if you put all your effort in for this period of time and things haven't changed at the end, then at least you know you have tried your best and given it your best shot.

I really wish you well and hope that in finding personal happiness it means you rely in your DH less to fill the gap. I do believe that partners cannot be EVERYTHING to each other - I am by default of DH's depression, his wife, friend, therapist, emotional whipping boy and a whole heap of other things. I feel overwhelmed and completely underqualified to deal with the majority of it and this impacts on our relationship on so many levels.