Would you move past this or is it a blazing red flag

[Butternah]

Me and DP have been together 3 years. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had, I admit I can be a bit detached emotionally sometimes but not always. I work in a hospital and sometimes don’t have much time to think outside of work.

Recently DP had a personal issue at work. It was quite intense for him and a shock and it resulted in him having some mental health implications alongside feeling physically unwell for a while. Recently things had got better or so I thought, but the last couple of weeks he’s been quite irrational. For example I worked an extra shift out of choice so I could follow up on a case I was involved with and he said he couldn’t believe I had left him unnecessarily and that he should email my boss (!!!) and tell the gmc that I treat my own partner like this while giving a different impression at work. It’s not the first time he’s done this, one evening I decided to sleep over at the hospital rather than come back and he got so upset with me that I drove home instead, making similar threats that ‘they should know I what I’m like.’

There’s been a few times I’ve genuinely thought he would do this and I’ve been so worried I’ve just driven home or whatever to suit him. I’ve had it out with him today and said it’s bang out of order and I don’t want to be in the relationship. He’s then been in tears saying he felt neglected and he’s tried so hard to explain he’s not been coping and that he’d never do anything to impact me and he’s proud of me etc etc. Balling his eyes out. I’ve gone to a friends as I feel conflicted. He didn’t ever do this in the past and has always supported me completely. But it’s caused me so much stress when he’s made these threats that I struggle to move past it. He keeps texting saying he’s sorry and I’ve not been around or shown that I care and he was desperate for me to recognise it as when he’s asked calmly for support I’ve not fully given it.

My friend is telling me to talk to him and work it out as we’ve only recently bought a place together and things were going well. I just feel so annoyed by this that he would even say something so nasty.

Confused, WWYD?

He's blackmailing you to spend time with him? Would he really email your work?

It sounds like something I'd pretend to do if my kids didn't do their homework.

@vroom321 well I know he hasn’t so far but when he says it it’s really forceful and real. I’ve often believed it and it’s been horrible. It’s come about since the work incident he’s been dealing with but before then nothing like this. I just don’t think it’s ok full stop, he should communicate respectfully

Enormous red flag. It's something my exDP used to threaten to do to me. It's a control mechanism. ExDP claimed that once everyone knew "what I had done in the past" I would lose my job, my professional accreditation, and even go to jail.

They were threats to keep me in line, and I allowed it for a long time because despite the fact it was fabricated, I worried that people would believe him. And then I stopped worrying, because the threats he was making were utterly bonkers. When I pushed past those, he tried other methods to control me, including threatening to smash up my house (with our DD in it), and Jill himself.

Leave him.

Red flags galore!

It sounds like he is sorry and wouldn’t really have done it: it was just attention seeking. It is extremely childish, of course, but if things were otherwise good between you, I think I would give him a second chance. But I am a softie that way...

I mean it could be due to this incident and he may change he soon but he shouldn't be treating you like this. He's pushing you away. I bet this is an awful time to be working for the NHS. You can't just switch off from it. Does he cry a lot when you fall out? I've been with DH 16 years I've never seen him cry or get upset.

*kill himself, but if he could've Jilled himself I'm sure he'd have threatened to do that too.

I assume you are a doctor and he therefore needs to be totally on board with you in your job and 100% support you. This would really bother me. My job (similar but not the same) is very important to me and I would be horrified if someone said that to me.

@SkirridHill I think 'jilling' yourself is becoming mainstream!

@Butternah As its only been since this incident, I'd tell him quite clearly that if he did follow through on any of those threats, that would be it. Over Rover, NO going back AND actually if he just threatens again because it's causing you a lot of stress. Explain there will be times it's better for you to sleep over at work than drive exhausted and you won't be bullied by his reaction. Tell him you are fed up if this behaviour & youre NOT going to tolerate it a minute more.

tell him you're happy to help/support him BUT he needs to be taking action himself (different jobs/counselling) and to 'use his words' with you, not threats.

stay with your friend a bit longer if you can, have these discussions then go back to hers, give him space to think on what you've said & for him to realise you mean it!!!

I'd have ended it after the first time. It's pathetic, childish and ridiculous to threaten to contact your employer because you aren't "caring" enough of your DP.

I'd make it very clear that if he ever threatened me in this way again that I would immediately end the relationship and never speak to him again. It's incredibly abusive behaviour to attempt to control you in this way.

It sounds like he has mummy issues or something @Butternah and wants you to be his mum. He shouldn't feel 'abandoned' if you work late or something.

If he were to write to the GMC or something, they'd just think he was bonkers.

He is blackmailing you, plain and simple.

What is so terrible that's happened at work that he needs you to be his emotional crutch? Is he not getting therapy anywhere?

He’s using emotional blackmail to control you. This is coercive control and I would leave.

i also wonder if this started after you bought the home together?

What is he like usually? Is he professional /hard working and this is out of character? Or is he manipulative, unambitious or a bit lazy!

The former I’d possibly give another chance as people do have moments in life where they struggle and maybe he can see everything slipping away from him (job/career) and so desperately tried to cling on to you. It’s still not okay but could be worked out.

If not and he’s being coercive and manipulative, trying to blackmail you into doing what he wants. Then you’ve (quite rightly) blown up at him and he can see he’s going to loose you/the house (are you the bigger earner) and he’s turned on the waterworks rather than genuinely struggling.

Its hard to known without knowing your general dynamic and relationship but I’d definitely be wary. I’m a registered nurse and I’d take threats against my registration to be very nasty, certainly something a supportive partner wouldn’t do. Is he jealous of your successful career?

He's using threats to control you.

Of course that's a red flag.

He’s actually quite pathetic.

If I were your boss and received an unhinged email from your OH like he’s threatened, I’d think you’ve got an unhinged OH and merely tell you of the email.
And maybe ask you about your OH’s mental health.
I don’t think I’d punish you in any way. At all.

A fair few people must get exes writing nasty letters to the GMC and other bodies. Unless there's objective evidence of abuse like police involvement and authorities saying you're abusing him etc, they can't act on it in any way. Or people would have issues just for having a nutty ex.

I had an ex who was a bit like this while he was supposedly my partner BTW. Loopy. If someone is that unhappy in a relationship that they want to sabotage their partner's life, they should end it.

Gosh, you’ve only been together 3 years so seems like things have moved really quickly if you’ve already bought a place together. Dh and I had only just moved into rented accommodation together at 3 years. Honestly, if this is very short lived and unexpected (only lasted a couple months of an otherwise happy and chilled relationship), I’d support him to get mental health support. But beyond that, nope, not at all even acceptable. Dh and I have been together 12+ years with 2 primary age children and I can’t think of anytime he’s ever shouted and told me to come home from work.

So you have recently bought a house/flat together and now he's being coercive and controlling.

Red flags galore.
He thinks you're trapped by the house and he can start to show his true colours. He's testing the water.
Do not have kids with him. Be very careful with your contraception.
If you can buy him out then I'd be ending the relationship pronto and getting out of shared house ownership asap.

I’ve been very happily married for twenty years.

If my husband threatened to contact my workplace like that, I’d be straight out the door.

This is a flag festival full of red flags OP.

He has more red flags about him now than are present at a Communist Party Committee meeting. You ignore this at your emotional peril.

He is indeed testing you here to see how low your relationship bar and boundaries are. He needs dumping forthwith.

Huge red flag. If he was properly sorry, he would take responsibility and not say he "is sorry but...."