Would you move past this or is it a blazing red flag

[Butternah]

Me and DP have been together 3 years. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had, I admit I can be a bit detached emotionally sometimes but not always. I work in a hospital and sometimes don’t have much time to think outside of work.

Recently DP had a personal issue at work. It was quite intense for him and a shock and it resulted in him having some mental health implications alongside feeling physically unwell for a while. Recently things had got better or so I thought, but the last couple of weeks he’s been quite irrational. For example I worked an extra shift out of choice so I could follow up on a case I was involved with and he said he couldn’t believe I had left him unnecessarily and that he should email my boss (!!!) and tell the gmc that I treat my own partner like this while giving a different impression at work. It’s not the first time he’s done this, one evening I decided to sleep over at the hospital rather than come back and he got so upset with me that I drove home instead, making similar threats that ‘they should know I what I’m like.’

There’s been a few times I’ve genuinely thought he would do this and I’ve been so worried I’ve just driven home or whatever to suit him. I’ve had it out with him today and said it’s bang out of order and I don’t want to be in the relationship. He’s then been in tears saying he felt neglected and he’s tried so hard to explain he’s not been coping and that he’d never do anything to impact me and he’s proud of me etc etc. Balling his eyes out. I’ve gone to a friends as I feel conflicted. He didn’t ever do this in the past and has always supported me completely. But it’s caused me so much stress when he’s made these threats that I struggle to move past it. He keeps texting saying he’s sorry and I’ve not been around or shown that I care and he was desperate for me to recognise it as when he’s asked calmly for support I’ve not fully given it.

My friend is telling me to talk to him and work it out as we’ve only recently bought a place together and things were going well. I just feel so annoyed by this that he would even say something so nasty.

Confused, WWYD?

Can you ask him what he thinks the GMC would do with his information?!
I had a mate at school whose boyfriend would headbutt the wall to knock himself out if she tried to go out with her mates. Similar control tactics.

Huge red flag. This will only get worse as you get more entrenched in the relationship.
If you have children can easily imagine using post natal depression or whatever to control you. 'Imagine if work knew what a terrible parent you are/imagine if social services knew etc.'

He has shown you who he is, believe him

One incident, fair enough. Maybe he was feeling poorly, vulnerable, upset etc, and wanted you home as he felt unable to cope alone.

However, to do this repeatedly if not very supportive of you, or your career. He sounds like a toddler having a tantrum whenever he doesn’t get his way.

Your partner is supposed to be your safe space. The person you can be vulnerable with, who you can lean on.

I'm really sorry OP.

Nah, I’d leave, how dare he try to blackmail you and put his needs above yours and your patients? The worst bit I think is him feeling you should drop everything and take responsibility for him feeling better. You’ll always be onto a loser there.

The GMC would not be slightly interested in this nonsense and neither would your bosses. Embarrassing, yes, but as a reason for blackmail a complete non starter.

I agree with others that he seems to have waited to show you this aspect of his personality until you purchased a house together. If he was previously fine until his work incident, maybe insist on him getting proper counselling before completely calling it a day, but the pathetic threats would have to stop.

This sounds just like my ex. Oddly enough, his new partner is a doctor, who always seems edgy around him whenever I see them together.

Big red flag. But it will be difficult for you to decide to get out of the relationship. It is never easy to simply sever a relationship like this. There is a complex connection between people who are controlling and people who are being controlled. You will need support to understand what that connection is and how you function in it.

Definite red flag, I’m afraid. I had an ex who did this (among other similar bollocks). It was very instructive, because as well as it being utterly pointless (as it was none of work’s business and everyone knew it) my boss at the time was a complete bitch and would have eaten him breakfast. So I told him to go right ahead. Of course he didn’t (and likely had never intended to) and I learnt that in his case, his threats were only controlling if I let them be.

You can probably manage it with firm boundaries, but it would take a lot of effort and I think you’ll either be miserable and/or split eventually. Go now, before you invest any more in him. You’ve a good job and plenty of prospects, so although it won’t be easy, you should be able to make it work.

Whilst any complaint to the GMC would be without merit and entirely vexatious, nonetheless the fact that he even threatened that would be enough to end the relationship for me. Doctors take the GMC and threats to their registration very seriously, with good reason to do so. The GMC have the power to end someone’s career and livelihood. Doctors have committed suicide while under investigation by them. Anyone who could carelessly issue that threat to me would not be in my life much longer.

Eugh my vagina just zipped itself closed at your post. What a needy, manipulative wet lettuce. Fuck him off.

What happens if you ignore his threats OP?
What is the rest of your relationship like?

I would suggest that what's happened to him recently has caused quite a fracturing of the self and he's emotionally regressed and needs you to manage his big feelings Hence you feel like you're having to come home to placate a very distressed child rather than support an adult partner. I think he needs more professional help to see if he can emotionally "grow up" again. So yes, a red flag in that he may have been changed by what happened and now you're seeing the effects.

You posted about this before didn’t you, weeks ago. The advice won’t change op. Either take it or don’t.

Im trying to imagine what the GMC's response would be to grown man who wrote to them to complain that his partner put her job before him and that they ought to know what she's like... 🤣

The next time he threatens it, I'd tell him to crack on. And, if I had decided to sleep at the hospital one night because it was best for me and met my needs to do so, I certainly wouldn't be coming home to him if he cried about it. Tell him to buy a tub of ice cream next time and he can cry into that.

And to grow the fucķ up!

Did the 'personal issue at work' involve someone telling him to stop being a controlling twat?

He's threatening your livelihood because you're not doing what he wants!? Unforgivable. And the crying now when he's been confronted about his appalling behaviour, ick, like a child.

Imagine what kind of support he’d give you in your time of need. I shudder to think! The irony is I bet he’d be totally negligent because actually, you are being neglected in this relationship as it stands, OP.
It’s a disturbing and abusive dynamic.
There’s no excuse for this behaviour. There may be a reason for it, but it’s not an excuse. He doesn’t get a free pass to blackmail you because he has had (or is in the midst of) a mental health crisis.

Most children don’t even behave this way, just to add. He’s manipulative and narcissistic and abusive. Watch some Dr. Ramani videos on YT! Eye opening.

Scarlet, vermilion, cerise, magenta blood red flag!!!

Red flags. His behaviour is inexcusable. Asking you not to do an extra shift is one thing, although questionable. The blackmailing and having you doubt your own character and behaviour is terrible. Go back and you'll end up constantly on the backfoot and nothing you do will ever be good enough.

I agree with Pp who said it's all moved a bit quickly. Ignore the tears and self pity. He's said he's not coping, I hope he's doing something to sort himself out other than expecting you to be where he wants when he wants. His behaviour suggests there's something very wrong with his thinking though, and I'm struggling to think what work incident could cause someone who wasn't already a manipulative and controlling dick capable of blackmailing a loved one to have such a big personality change. I suspect he thought once you bought somewhere together you or he would clip your wings and is pissed off it isn't the case. Sounds like he's jealous of your patients too.

Hey OP did you post about this a short while ago? Has he made threats again to email your boss/professional body? It sounds like he has crossed a line, blackmail. You can't trust him

My ex did this. And actually went through with it after I stopped complying and didn't give in. My boss laughed about it and could tell he was batshit. She was more concerned about me and tried to support me more with the domestic abuse I was suffering.

There was a very similar thread from a lawyer a few weeks ago, the consensus if I remember correctly was pretty much that threatening her work because he didn't get enough attention was a red line for many people and would mean the end of the relationship

@Butternah let’s look at this from another perspective. Let’s say your at work and your patient discloses to you that she has to go home right now (say she’s admitted for appendicitis) and if you don’t discharge her she’ll have to self discharge as her partner is threatening her that she must come home. Is that going to trigger a safeguarding referral/IDVA referral further discussion around if she feels safe at home. Absolutely it would me as a HCP.
im sorry your in this situation. Please be strong and walk away whilst you can. I wished I’d walked away years before I finally was free from my perpetrator. He has destroyed mine and my Childrens life. I shall never be same person again and tragically nor will my children. Good luck x