Would you move past this or is it a blazing red flag

[Butternah]

Me and DP have been together 3 years. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had, I admit I can be a bit detached emotionally sometimes but not always. I work in a hospital and sometimes don’t have much time to think outside of work.

Recently DP had a personal issue at work. It was quite intense for him and a shock and it resulted in him having some mental health implications alongside feeling physically unwell for a while. Recently things had got better or so I thought, but the last couple of weeks he’s been quite irrational. For example I worked an extra shift out of choice so I could follow up on a case I was involved with and he said he couldn’t believe I had left him unnecessarily and that he should email my boss (!!!) and tell the gmc that I treat my own partner like this while giving a different impression at work. It’s not the first time he’s done this, one evening I decided to sleep over at the hospital rather than come back and he got so upset with me that I drove home instead, making similar threats that ‘they should know I what I’m like.’

There’s been a few times I’ve genuinely thought he would do this and I’ve been so worried I’ve just driven home or whatever to suit him. I’ve had it out with him today and said it’s bang out of order and I don’t want to be in the relationship. He’s then been in tears saying he felt neglected and he’s tried so hard to explain he’s not been coping and that he’d never do anything to impact me and he’s proud of me etc etc. Balling his eyes out. I’ve gone to a friends as I feel conflicted. He didn’t ever do this in the past and has always supported me completely. But it’s caused me so much stress when he’s made these threats that I struggle to move past it. He keeps texting saying he’s sorry and I’ve not been around or shown that I care and he was desperate for me to recognise it as when he’s asked calmly for support I’ve not fully given it.

My friend is telling me to talk to him and work it out as we’ve only recently bought a place together and things were going well. I just feel so annoyed by this that he would even say something so nasty.

Confused, WWYD?

It's only since the incident?
Does he need medical help/therapy?
Is it some kind of paranoia/PTSD?
It's obviously not acceptable but if it came after a trauma does he need professional help?

Should I forgive him? Friends think I am dramatic. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4583697-should-i-forgive-him-friends-think-i-am-dramatic

I'd be running very quickly away from him. What kind of life are you going to have with him when every time he has a sulk and doesn't get his own way he threatens you with this? He a manipulative little bully.

Yes this hugely occurred to me. I only have secondhand info about what coercive control looks like but this sounds like it ticks loads of boxes.

The fact that it's happened since you became more serious in your relationship (ie. got a house) also makes me wonder if it would get worse the more of a 'unit' you were. I would try to safely withdraw, personally.

Did you post about this before?

I thought that OP was a solicitor.

Anyway, same advice.

Are you out of your mind.

Huge bloody red flag.

He's a nasty controlling piece of work who has showed you EXACTLY who he is.

Pack your bags or you will learn to bitterly regret not doing so.

This is not a man to plan a future with, much less have a child with.

You should have left the first time.

Completely unforgivable.

He’s blackmailing you, come home or I will try to get you in trouble. Who would even think like that?? Once he’s got his own way it will escalate, it will be your next girls night out, your coffee date with a friend, your visit to family.. he’s controlling and he will not stop until he has you to himself. A grown man should be able to cope on his own for a day while your at work, this is a slippery slope and he’s shown he has a sinister side in my opinion, You won’t look at him the same

Someone who has stated the want of your destruction this clearly, is like bringing a cobra snake home in your bed to stay. I cannot think of a bigger reason to leave. He is has actually showed you the level of enmity he feels toward you.

This is a first and only offense situation. You want to stick around to find out his next step?

Yes it’s a red flag. Controlling and threatening you.

Tell him to go ahead and phone your work. How completely mad and pathetic would he sound whining to your boss about this? He wouldn’t do it. It’s an empty threat to shame and scare you into doing what he wants.
What a prick.

It may have been triggered by the incident but I think it’s more likely it’s been triggered by your mutual house purchase. He thinks he’s got you tied in and can let the monsters loose. Much harder for you to walk away from the relationship now you own a home together.
He thinks he owns YOU now.

Big red flag op; he seems very manipulative

Red flag.
Red bunting.
Red banner.
Huge, massive, big red sails!

OP, just ask yourself, what sort of man would try and get you into trouble at work? Try and damage your career?

I can't even imagine someone saying that sort of thing without realising how they sound let alone expecting any response other than to be laughed at and being told to fuck off.

That you're staying with him when he has done this is baffling tbh.

MASSIVE RED FLAG from me !

It doesn't matter WHY he did it, and no amount of 'mental health' or 'work' issues are an excuse.

He CHOSE to blackmail and threaten you ! Just so he could get his own way !

This is behaviour he's used before, just not with you. He's learned that being an abusive bully will get him what he wants. He will continue to use threats and coercive behaviour if you 'excuse' it because 'he's not well atm' too.

Does he ever even talk about what it is YOU want ?

It's also NOT up to YOU to be his 'emotional crutch' or to 'help' him get over whatever has happened to him either ! That's up to HIM !

Your only 'responsibility' is to keep yourself healthy ( no good if you're both 'unwell') and in employment (cos someone needs to be able to pay the mortgage), and showing him you love him by offering to talk etc (and that IS 'supporting' him ffs !)

If you stay with him, this will always be his 'go to' position whenever you do something he doesn't want/agree with. He'll make your life hell...

The lack of trust would be an issue for me here.

You could never discuss sensitive issues at work with him for fear of him sharing/twisting the info with the GMC/your employer.

The gmc may ignore his complaints on your treatment of him but if he gets one snippet of info that suggests you've breached rules or patient confidentiality you'll be done for.

I'm not suggesting your unprofessional in any way but I do realise that people often share the events of their day with their partner. This would worry me.

Both sound very similar. Are you changing your profession as to not be outing op?

Both stressful careers however I can understand why being a doctor / nurse can take over your personal life.

Did the advice on the other thread not help you? That's if you are the same poster?

Has he always been like this or is it a result of the work issue recently

Are there any other signs of controlling behaviour. Maybe things you've not really thought about or seemed small at the time

I'll be honest it's a fucking massive red flag. But I'm trying to see if this work issue maybe has caused him to behave out of character. And prior to this he's been fine?

I've only had one ex who behaved like this. Blackmailed and threatened me. He's an ex. The more I thought about it the more I realised how much he controlled me. It was only after the scales had truly fallen I could see how fucking miserable I had been.

He is showing you who he really is. The mask has slipped because you have bought a property together - he thinks you are trapped. Anyone who would make a threat to your career like this is a total cunt. I would not keep him around for five minutes after he made that threat. If you forgive him you give him permission to act like a cunt forever.

Well done @vroom321 for locating this remarkably similar thread.

He is one nasty piece of work.

Well done @vroom321 for locating this remarkably similar thread.

^ actually I think it's poor form to try to out an OP who may have had to change details to stay anonymous.

Absolutely agreed. The poster hasn’t done anything wrong, leave them alone.

I also dislike posters linking to or copying an OP’s previous thread or comments. While those who do it think they’re clever, it’s actually really overbearing and insensitive.

There is no outing anyone, this is totally anonymous 🙄, but the stories are similar, and it could be very helpful to the OP to read that other thread, and the many replies that were given.

Another one who would be out the door if DH of 20 plus years said anything like this.
He’s blackmailing you. Sit him down and let him know that this emotional behaviour has to stop now. Any more and you’re done. He needs to know you mean it.

Massive red flag. Can you imagine threatening to do this ? No. Because you're not a controlling weirdo. He has shown that he has the ability to pull out all the stops in order to control and manipulate you. Run for the hills. He is a shit partner.

BTW. My ex bf used to do this and then cry afterwards and allude to the terrible things that made him behave like that.

WTF he sounds unhinged.