Would you move past this or is it a blazing red flag

[Butternah]

Me and DP have been together 3 years. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had, I admit I can be a bit detached emotionally sometimes but not always. I work in a hospital and sometimes don’t have much time to think outside of work.

Recently DP had a personal issue at work. It was quite intense for him and a shock and it resulted in him having some mental health implications alongside feeling physically unwell for a while. Recently things had got better or so I thought, but the last couple of weeks he’s been quite irrational. For example I worked an extra shift out of choice so I could follow up on a case I was involved with and he said he couldn’t believe I had left him unnecessarily and that he should email my boss (!!!) and tell the gmc that I treat my own partner like this while giving a different impression at work. It’s not the first time he’s done this, one evening I decided to sleep over at the hospital rather than come back and he got so upset with me that I drove home instead, making similar threats that ‘they should know I what I’m like.’

There’s been a few times I’ve genuinely thought he would do this and I’ve been so worried I’ve just driven home or whatever to suit him. I’ve had it out with him today and said it’s bang out of order and I don’t want to be in the relationship. He’s then been in tears saying he felt neglected and he’s tried so hard to explain he’s not been coping and that he’d never do anything to impact me and he’s proud of me etc etc. Balling his eyes out. I’ve gone to a friends as I feel conflicted. He didn’t ever do this in the past and has always supported me completely. But it’s caused me so much stress when he’s made these threats that I struggle to move past it. He keeps texting saying he’s sorry and I’ve not been around or shown that I care and he was desperate for me to recognise it as when he’s asked calmly for support I’ve not fully given it.

My friend is telling me to talk to him and work it out as we’ve only recently bought a place together and things were going well. I just feel so annoyed by this that he would even say something so nasty.

Confused, WWYD?

Its irrelevant if it's a red flag or not.

Maybe he's the most lovely guy in the whole world but is having a MH crisis that's resulting in disordered thinking or maybe he is just a controlling bastard.

What's relevant is if you want to have to deal with this type of thing or not.

I think life is tricky enough as it is and I'd recommend keeping things as simple and easy as possible. You already have a demanding job why would you want a demanding partner.

It doesn't sound like he's sorry to me.
Any apology that's followed up with
'...but you werent/didn't' is no apology at all.

I didn't find the other thread!!

@Butternah I'm a doctor and understand the blood chilling feeling that comes with any threat that involves the GMC.

You need to think about the thought process that went into making this threat. It's a comment designed to hit you where it hurts, to make you stop in your tracks no matter what else is going on in your life, to make you do what he wants. It's extreme, just like the tears after.

This is an unlikely comment from an emotionally mature adult who cares for you and respects you as an autonomous partner. He is likely someone who is needy, and loves you for what you do for him. Hence the tears when his extreme comments achieve the opposite -he is crying for himself and ?trying another tactic.

This kind of behaviour has shades of coercive control and emotional abuse. It's the kind of stuff that should have you evaluating the whole relationship.

And the just-bought-somewhere-together issue? The sunk costs fallacy is not a reason to remain in an abusive situation. If there are no kids involved it's likely that this is the easiest time in your life to escape a relationship.

medium.com/mindful-muse/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keeps-you-in-bad-relationships-7bea6742f51d