AIBU or my boyfriend

[galaxymilkshake]

Hello,

Had a slight disagreement with my boyfriend.
To begin, my boyfriend is awaiting his papers from immigrations (going on for about two years now- his parents did not sort out his immigrations papers when he was younger) so he cannot work, or essentially do anything, he is staying at a shared flat and is getting a small allowance (100-200) per month and some help from a scheme.Because of this I have been helping him out financially little by little. Now of course he wants to see my regularly, but often when we go out, I know I'm going to be the one paying for almost everything and then I feel bad because I get him toiletries, food etc. So We generally see each other once a month, around my payday, as I work part time and I'm a part time carer to my mum. He also suggests things like going to the park... but I sometimes say no as you will read below.

So of course, sex is off limits at the moment. He cannot come and stay over at my house and my mum really does not like him and they do not get on. I cannot stay over at my boyfriends house because he is in a government paid shared flat and he is not allowed to bring visitors. So every month, we book a hotel and spend the day today. But of course, I pay for everything and it's eating up my salary.

So two months ago, myself and bf stayed at the hotel. This time, he paid about half of the hotel and I bought food etc. So bf has been very stressed lately, he tried to commit suicide the day before and didn't like the was I was treating him. Unfortunately, on that day, I came on my period and he became upset, saying that it was a waste of time and that I should give him the £40.00 that he paid for the hotel. I said "no because, I paid for the majority of the funds for the hotel (UK hotels are getting very expensive) plus food (which he didn't eat and there in the bin) and that I never ask him to pay just this time as money is tight'. BF got very angry and said 'Well get out and book yourself a taxi, this always happens your always on your period.". He then was threatening me saying that I should give him the money back or else. Not wanting him to get angry, I transferred him the £40.00- telling him that I am struggling financially as I'm supporting my mother, as well as taking her to various private therapies which i also partially fund from my wages.

Anyway, not wanting to get into an argument, I just went to bed and pretended that I was I'll so he doesn't get angry. Then all of a sudden, I just hear him shouting at me at 3am in the morning!! I got up and said "Bf why are you shouting?", he was telling me that he de didn't like the way I was treating him, he was getting angry. Then when I told him to stop and that I have to get up early for work tomorrow. He began to kick my back very hard on multiple occasions and I fell off the bed, he then came very close to me, with his hands clenched, looking very angry, and wanting me to admit all the things that I've done and how it's my fault. If I dared talked back, I know he would have hit me. Anyway, I managed to call him down and we both went to bed. I didn't sleep at all because of what happened. When 6am came, I immediately told Bf that I had to go because I need to go to work- which was true but also because I wanted to get out of there ASAP. He was being such a mood, he was insulting my dress /sense, saying that I did not look nice for our date night and that if I ever wear what I was wearing again he wouldn't want to hang out with me. He then dropped him off home and he was being such a bitch, shouting at me because I suggested the wrong direction to getting home, telling me that I had no common sense, people were looking at us- it was just a bad day.

When I got home, I just cried, he apologised but I told him that I wanted space and we haven't really been speaking for about a month ago.

Anyway, present day, we have been speaking on and off and things are getting back to normal. But currently, as he is so stressed because of immigration, he wants to have sex (I have known him for a long time, but when he feels sad/stressed it's like he uses my body as a stress reliever- he doesn't admit it but it's true and god for it if I deny him sex, he just gets angry). So anyway, he has been initiating that he wants sex (we haven't done it in a while). I then told him that I would be happy to see him, go somewhere, take a walk, but right now I don't feel safe to book a hotel and spend the night with him because of what happened the last time. Well you know what happened? He became very angry, saying I'm cheating on him that I should admit it to him, that I'm making up excuses, that his giving me a month and then watch, he would be in "full rage and no one can't say anything".

AIBU? I know it's been a while that we haven't had sex but I just don't feel comfortable to be in his company at present and want to wait a while. What should I do?

You could be dead by the end of the year.

Jesus what the hell happened in your life to make you think a single line of that is in any way an acceptable description of a relationship?

I got to the point of kicking you out the bed....

kick this loser out your life.
He is an abuser ~ physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.
You are worth more. End this "relationship" immediately is my advice.

I'll say this slowly. He...Is...Not...A...Partner

He isn't a boyfriend. He's an abuser.

So no, I wouldn't lift a finger. Except maybe to get him deported before he finds another victim

@galaxymilkshake Please, put on your Big Girl pants and just walk away completely. He is using you and manipulating you and I think you know it. So, just be brave, block all phone numbers and have nothing more to do with him. Please. You are bigger and better than the situation you find yourself in now xxxx

Oh my lovely - you're in so deep, you can't see the light let alone the trees.

He's the only boyfriend you have ever had and trust me this is no way a healthy relationship.

He kicks you, pushes you out of bed, has sex with you just a means of relief, shouts and gets angry with you and you feel uncomfortable in his presence.
You think that if you finish with him, he'll react badly. If that's your definition of 'traditional morals' - well I'm speechless

You need to take a deep breath and try and get your head around the fact that your bf is abusing you - verbally, emotionally and physically. he may be in a stressful situation, but that is absolutely no reason to take this out on you.

There are people who can help you - Women's Aid, the police, heavens even the Immigration people.

Dump him immediately. He s abusive. He treats you like crap.

why would you want to stay with him!?

I don't feel like there's such thing as a a "nice bloke", everyone has their good points about bad. I'm not saying what he is doing is right but I don't believe that they are genuine good guys out there. It's funny, my friend and I were talking about sex and I asked her ".. when you didn't want sex with your ex, what did he do?", she just shrugged her shoulders and said "Well, he was persistent and trying to butter him up, but when I was insistent and said 'no', he just said ok and went to sleep". It got me thinking..sigh I don't know

You can leave him, you told him it was over not long ago.

I cannot leave him. He would not let me. Even if I do, I would face the repercussions. He would stalk me, he knows where my close family members work, he would demand answers from then - or worse maybe hurts them

Christ, woman. You need to talk to the police.

How did it get to this? Why are you putting yourself at risk? I'm not surprised your Mum doesn't like him.

Please talk to the police and take steps to get him away from you.

You do realise what men who beat and sexually abuse women do to babies and children, don't you?

HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY BLOODY 'MORALS'

Will you PLEASE listen to what is being said to you

He sounds dangerous and pathetic. Dump him and move on.

There are lots of ‘nice blokes’. The majority of men will not kick you in the back or scream at you.

Seriously, what’s your family life like that you think this is acceptable?!

Well there are 'nice blokes' out there.

You just don't know how to recognise them

OP do you not see how cruel it would be to bring a baby into the world with a father you know is manipulative, abusive, violent and is someone you are scared of?

Remember how it felt when he kicked your back in anger?

What do you think he'll do to a baby that won't stop crying for the third night in a row and it's 3am?

It's time to grow up OP.

You need to choose. This man, this relationship, how it is now for the rest of your life.

Or break up, cut all contact with him, get some counselling and then you can think about future relationships and parenthood.

When I was in a particularly traumatic relationship a counsellor asked me to think about what I wanted more - to be the guy's partner, or to be a child's mum.

Which do you want more? You can't have both without being willing to bring a child into this relationship with an abusive, violent man. And if you do that knowingly, when you have no financial, home or marriage ties to him, then you are nowhere near ready to be thinking about a baby with anyone at the moment. Let alone him.

@galaxymilkshake I think what some people are trying to say, often in quite a cruel and clumsy way, is that sometimes the responsible, compassionate, and ultimately “good” thing to do, is to keep yourself and your loved ones safe. That means prioritising your safety and the safety of your mother over his needs and feelings.

You feel a responsibility to your partner, that is understandable, but your near unconditional love for him is likely putting you in extreme risk. You might think that a good person would put themselves in extreme risk to help someone else, but if you cannot put yourself first, you must then think of your mother’s safety. I’m sure this is difficult to hear, but what you have described about your partner means he is far more likely than most men to seriously harm, or kill you. For example, you mentioned that he won’t let you leave him, and if you did he would stalk you. Here are some facts about stalking which are from the USA but also largely apply in other countries too. Men who stalk are more like to be violent or kill their partners . What if he harmed you, or your mother? What if he hurts or kills you leaving your mother with little support? These are extreme examples, but we don’t know what kind of man is capable of these actions- until he does it for the first time. Your partner is showing signs of being very dangerous indeed.

If you are based in the UK emotional abuse, stalking, and physical abuse are illegal. You can get help, advice and support to help keep you safe after leaving your boyfriend, nothing is guaranteed but keeping him in your life is also very high risk for you and your loved ones. If he threatens you, you can call the police to discuss your safety. You can also contact Women’s Aid to get advice on how to cut ties as safely as possible- Women’s aid UK. There are also other organisations who are particularly good at supporting women within different ethnic and religious cultural background for example there is the Muslim Womens Network Muslim Womens Network or African Women Care , or Indian Ladies UK. These are just some examples, Womens Aid is excellent generally but other organisations that are more specialised might have better understanding of cultural and family norms in your context.

The important thing is to look past some of the rudeness, and bluntness on the thread and see that people are really very worried for you. They are often people who have been through similar and know how dangerous it can be to upset a man like that, but also how dangerous it is not to leave/cut ties. You might have some different values and situations to some people posting here, but the pattern of male violence is very similar across different countries, cultures and age groups. You need to find a safe way out as soon as you can, it might take some support and planning, but it should be possible💐

On one hand I love him and I don't want to let him go. Maybe this is codependency m. On another hand, my mind and body screams to get away from him. I turn horrible to him so that he could leave me alone. It's all easy to say just leave him and call the police. He knows where I work, where I live, where my families work, where my mum goes to her recreation centre group. It would be hell, secretly I'm hoping that he will be deported so that I can have peace but on the other hand I will he distraught as I cannot imagine him not in my life. I don't know...

There are plenty of nice blokes.

But even if there wasn’t, why wouldn’t you prefer to be alone?

HE IS AN ABUSER.

It is better to be alone forever than with a man like this.

Why did you post here if not to get some good advice? You don't need to debate anything else.

Have him deported!
Have him deported!
Have him deported!

And then you can start fresh.

I'm not saying what he is doing is right but I don't believe that they are genuine good guys out there.

1. Yes there are.

1. You don't HAVE to be in a relationship! If you don't meet a good guy, it's ok to be single!

And even if the only options were being single or being with men who abuse you, why on earth would you pick the latter?!

You want a future, with a relationship and children. Those are good things to want, but not with someone who is abusing you, financially, emotionally, and physically abusing you. I absolutely guarantee that if you got pregnant with him, the abuse would ramp up. It always does. And then you'd be even more trapped with him. With a tiny vulnerable baby trapped with you. This is no relationship, and it is absolutely not a situation into which to bring an innocent vulnerable child. Get out. You deserve so much more than this.

What about your plans to move house and get a job in a different area ?

Did you say he attempted suicide the day before this hotel encounter? Clearly what you’re describing is unacceptable but he is very unwell if he is suicidal, which may contribute to the terrible way he has treated you.

This is a really bad take. The OP has also posted that she can't end the relationship because HE won't let her, he will probably stalk her and he knows where she lives. This is not a new problem and it is not normal. Domestic abusers threatening suicide is recognised as abusive behaviour.

Please be careful about who you encourage to show compassion, the OP has already clearly tolerated more than anyone should and she has a partner whose abuse has made her feel obligated, there is no need for you to join in.

I'm sure I'm not the only one reading this thread and really hoping it's not real because I think the OP is at serious risk of significant harm or death at the hands of her abusive partner.

This is horrific. The time you’ve spent on this thread should have been spent getting away from this vile man and cutting all contact ASAP. He does not sound safe to be around at all and I genuinely feel for you as you sound quite brainwashed by it all?!