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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's lying about new gf right?

92 replies

Cwytch · 17/08/2022 16:27

Long term lurker and regular name changer if I ever do post

Been in a ldr for 4 years, for various reasons it's not possible to live closer together at this point. Got to know each other just as he was relocating from our mutual city. We talk every day and see each other every 4-6 weeks, sometimes longer depending on schedules.

A few things over the months seemed
a bit odd.

He bought a 4 bed house moving from his city centre place to the suburbs, didn't say a word about it until the day before he was moving.

He started new business, I knew he wanted to, we talked about it. He launched it, didn't say a word about it until I saw it on insta.

His first follower was Anna, he followed her, and also with his private account. She is friends with a few of his friends.

I looked at her insta page, it's open not private. 1 photo of them together, taken 2 days ago. Only one post, just that, which he liked from business page

He sent me photos of something
on desk was letter when I zoom in it's her name at his address

I asked him direct, are you seeing someone, someone you are living with? He was quite cross, are you serious, Then forget it. That was yesterday. Nothing since.

I know they weren't together when we got together, but they are now right?

Other info, we live hundreds of miles apart, I travel a lot for work. We are late 30's she looks same age. I know I sound about 15

So now, I'm thinking maybe I'm wrong? Maybe they aren't? Should I make contact first? Maybe I hurt his feelings? Or maybe I'm an idiot.

I'm feeling a bit sad, so please don't be too robust

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 17/08/2022 16:30

LDRs are very hard, almost impossible, I'd say. I'm sorry, but I think yours is over.

RatherBeRiding · 17/08/2022 16:30

Yes I think they're together, sorry. He moved and didn't tell you. He started a business and didn't tell you. He doesn't see you as anything but a very occasional FWB by the sounds of it.

Leave it, and him.

Watchkeys · 17/08/2022 16:34

I think you don't trust him, regardless of whether he's having an affair or not.

I asked him direct, are you seeing someone, someone you are living with? He was quite cross, are you serious, Then forget it. That was yesterday. Nothing since

You can't express concerns to him about your relationship without him getting cross and obliterating your need for truth and reassurance.

It doesn't matter if he's seeing her or not. Your relationship isn't healthy, and it's making you question yourself. You shouldn't have to do that. You shouldn't put yourself in this position. You're above being treated like this.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 17/08/2022 16:35

I'm really sorry @Cwytch but it sounds like he's seeing someone else and tbh she probably knows nothing about you either. Something like this happened to me and I couldn't believe how duplicitous he was. Honestly? I'd get closure and move on whether it means blocking/messaging/not messaging whatever suits you. You deserve a lot better Flowers

MsDogLady · 17/08/2022 17:08

Cwytch, he is spending time with Anna while detaching from you, as evidenced by his excluding you from 2 major life events.

The truth is you don’t have a mutually committed and honest relationship. He may still want you in the background, but he is investing elsewhere. Walk away and leave him to it. Flowers

stnoa · 17/08/2022 17:09

Doesn't sound like there's much room for doubt, sorry

badgerstink · 17/08/2022 17:10

I'd ask Anna....

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 17/08/2022 17:12

Tell him you also had a bit on the side and have an sti and he needs to get tested..
He will have to tell Anna...
Then block.

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2022 17:52

Well I'd be letting Anna know for a start. Send her proof of things too.

J0y · 17/08/2022 17:58

You dont sound 15.

You were lied to and hurt and you had to figure out that that had happened.

He was no doubt keeping you around in case he and Anna didn't work out.

Very hurtful 🌺

LetHimHaveIt · 17/08/2022 18:05

You don't sound 15 at all.

He, on the other hand, sounds like a emotionally stunted tit.

V sorry for you and I'm sure there's better out there for you once you've got over this plonker.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 17/08/2022 18:10

MsDogLady · 17/08/2022 17:08

Cwytch, he is spending time with Anna while detaching from you, as evidenced by his excluding you from 2 major life events.

The truth is you don’t have a mutually committed and honest relationship. He may still want you in the background, but he is investing elsewhere. Walk away and leave him to it. Flowers

This. I’m sorry he’s done this to you, OP, and not even had the decency to tell you.

BUT there’s a positive side to this. LDRs are very difficult to sustain in the long term, and often cause a slow, endless draining of happiness and energy from your life. Huge waste of time, and in some cases just the most painfully protracted way of breaking up.

He has set you free, whether he meant to or not.

stnoa · 17/08/2022 18:13

MsDogLady · 17/08/2022 17:08

Cwytch, he is spending time with Anna while detaching from you, as evidenced by his excluding you from 2 major life events.

The truth is you don’t have a mutually committed and honest relationship. He may still want you in the background, but he is investing elsewhere. Walk away and leave him to it. Flowers

He might be "investing" elsewhere but only half heartedly....not like he's crazy about Anna either - he's cheating on her too and totally disrespecting both of you

stnoa · 17/08/2022 18:17

It's like he's passing you out of major life events with the intention of ending it at some point thinking he'll have Anna. I'd 100% let Anna know what he's been up to but that's me

stnoa · 17/08/2022 18:18

*phasing you out

category12 · 17/08/2022 18:21

Yeah, her name on the letter is the clincher. Sorry OP.

Badromancer · 17/08/2022 18:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

djdkdkddkek · 17/08/2022 18:23

Yeah he’s prob seeing her. Sorry.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 17/08/2022 18:27

Do you know the address of his new house? I'd send Anna a letter explaining who you are, with proof. Break up with him before he gets to hurt you more. I'm so sorry OP

LivingDeadGirlUK · 17/08/2022 18:32

It certainly sounds dodgy unless she is a family member, married sister with different surname? But I'd assume after 4 years you would have met his family etc.

4 years of a LDR sounds like such a chore though, I would try and see this as a positive and a chance to move on to something better.

Sandra1984 · 17/08/2022 18:34

I would message “Anna” and let her know he’s your boyfriend and details of how long you’ve been together, then ask her if she’s involved with him. Something short, sweet and to the point.

Oysterbabe · 17/08/2022 18:37

Send her a message and ask her.

Penguinsaregreat · 17/08/2022 18:46

I would also ask Anna.
She is registered as living at the same address then yes, they are living together.

Spin66 · 17/08/2022 18:50

If you feel that you don’t mind wasting a few ££’s and you can make out her name and the address, then you could do a land registry search/check.

Maybe she is on the mortgage?

Or cut your loses and move on, as he doesn’t seem to include you in any major decisions in his life, which doesn’t/wouldn’t bode well for any future.

PowerPack · 17/08/2022 18:56

Why would he not tell you though? Surely it's (relatively) easy to break of a ldr if that's what you want?