Found out husbands old secret

[Lifeisarollercoaster12]

DH and I are expecting our first baby later this year, my marriage is amazing in my opinion. We are best friends, laugh every day and just have a very supportive loving life together with literally zero issues bar the odd mundane day to day things maybe.

I just found out that over a year ago my husband got very drunk and kissed someone else on a night out! My husband was not reliant on alcohol but was a problem drinker, he always blacked out when he did drink and took it too far, really struggled to moderate. After this night out where he kissed someone he went sober and has been ever since, he started therapy and worked on himself for many months. At this time I didn’t know that the drunk kiss was was catalyst for this but I do now. He said he was so broken about what he had done that he had to make changes, that it was nothing to do with our marriage but with his self esteem and past issues that he fed into some attention when his inhibitions and rational decision making were gone, and didn’t even remember it, was told by colleagues.

do you think in these circumstances where genuine remorse has been shown, even though he didn’t tell me, forgiveness is the okay option? I don’t want to leave him. he said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me or lose me so he took the lesson and made major life changes to avoid repeating such behaviour ever again.

what would you do?

thanks in advance

I would be disappointed that it took him this long to fess tbh but the fact that he totally changed his life off the back of it says to me that he was truly sorry and wanted to make sure nothing like that would happen again. I’d like to think in your shoes I would be able to move past it as he has shown genuine remorse and changed his behaviour. But of course, you feel the way you feel, so how anyone else would deal with it is irrelevant.

It's not an "old" secret, only a year ago. And wasn't covid rife then, what's he doing going out snogging people??

Nobody can decide this for you - it’s up to you whether you can forgive or not. My own view is that we are all flawed and we will all fuck up at some point in our lives. I would probably not break up over a kiss if the relationship now is wonderful and the drinking has stopped. That doesn’t mean you forget about it or forgive if there’s a repeat of the behaviour.
Do you think the changes in the last year have been genuine or not?

I think I'd let this go to be honest. Not only has he expressed remorse, he's made positive changes and seems to understand exactly what led to him doing this in the first place and then has worked on himself to ensure it doesn't happen again.

If this is it and there's genuinely nothing more, I'd let it go and enjoy your future together

I would let it go. He is remorseful and it didn't go any further. I drunkenly kissed an ex one evening and my Dh's best friend saw it. He came to me and asked me if it really happened. I told him yes. His response "Is it or anything like it going to happen again?" I responded "no" and that was it. It never did happen again and we didn't blow up our lives over something inconsequential. I was very lucky.

I’d let it go.

Because he can’t even remember about it
Because he has felt so bad about the kiss that he has taken steps, on his own, Wo even you knowing, to change things, address his drinking AND understand why he acted like this
Because he is unlikely to do it again because of the point above.

If there was ever the actions of someone who is remorseful, is taking responsibility for his actions that would be it.

So no I wouldn’t throw away a marriage in those circumstances, let alone an amazing one.

As an aside, how did you learn about it?

In those circumstances I would move on. He has completely changed his life and done lots of work on himself. He is utterly remorseful. Even so I couldn't forgive sex.

I'd agree with this

There was a recent thread by an OP who drunkenly kissed someone who was not her partner years ago, and was guilt-ridden and wondering whether to confess. Like your partner I think it was the catalyst for her to address her drinking. The consensus on the thread was not to tell her partner.

I thought that OP's guilt showed her in a good light. A serial cheat or someone who'd do it again wouldn't feel the need to confess. I didn't think she sounded like a bad person, just someone who made a mistake and then addressed it.

I guess the same applies to your partner.

In this situation, I'd move on. He seems genuinely sorry if he's gone sober and made huge changes. If you think you'll can get past it, I wouldn't throw away your marriage for it if everything else is good.

I would let it go as well. He’s taken the initiative to sort it himself, so as long as he knows there are no second chances, hopefully should be ok. Nobody is perfect.

I agree with everyone else, he has made the changes and seems genuinely remorseful, he has proved his regret by making sure he doesn't get into that situation again so I think he has earned forgiveness.

I am very hot on not putting up with unfaithful people. But in this situation, he was very drunk and realised his drinking caused it. Not an excuse, but a reason. And then stopped drinking to avoid similar things happening again I assume? He's told you now, you can tell him how you feel, set boundaries about anything like that happening again i.e. if you want to be told the moment it happens rather than much later etc

I personally wouldn’t forgive,

I couldn’t kiss my dh knowing that he had kissed someone else while being married to Me. I took my vows seriously and hoped he would have too.

he also didn’t tell you and you’ve found out over a year later.

I think, for me, sticking around would be conditional on his continued sobriety. I'm not much of a believer in people being able to go back to drinking "in moderation".

I'd also be slightly wary than you may not know the full story and a kiss may not be the limit of it. But assuming it is all as he says, staying is what you want to do, and he appears to have made real changes to his lifestyle so, yes, try to put it behind you.

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago started by someone who had done exactly what your husband did.

They had also made the relevant changes to their life and were certain they were never going to do it again. The advice they received was not to say anything and to keep to the promise they had made to themselves.

It's unfortunate that you now know for all the reasons this person was advised not to confess.

In your shoes, I don't know what I would do. I'm very hardline on things like this and would see it as cheating like any other cheating. A boyfriend, I would end it. A husband, I don't know. It would depend if I felt I could trust him again. I wouldn't put myself through the turmoil of uncertainty and wondering what he was doing every time he went out. Any doubts in my mind at all and it would be over.

Honestly I’d be a bit concerned, it was only last summer and he felt the need to go to intensive therapy due to it? All feels a bit over the top to me.

And also forgiveness doesn't mean you have to pretend it never happened. If it becomes something you find you are unable to deal with, that is fine too.

I would definitely let it go. Mistakes happen and he clearly got a shock. I'd probably still be jealous and a little obsessive about'her' but that will fade

I would be disappointed that it took him this long to fess tbh

I see your point @SteveHarringtonsChestHair but this can go both ways.
When women post threads here asking if they should "confess" an indiscretion, they are often advised not to. That they are seeking guilt-reduction & forgiveness, which would be selfish to impose on their partner.

One drunken kiss isn't such a big deal in an otherwise happy marriage.
That that had the effect of making DH realise he needed to sober up & fly straight is a huge bonus. Isn't that always what we read here about apology, remorse, & forgiveness - that it needs to be backed by concerted action to be genuine & trusted?

OP, only you can make this decision.
But - so long as DH sticks to his "no binge drinking" vow, I think you've got a man who loves you, & wants to make & keep things right with you. In short - a keeper!

Hope you work this out

If he didn’t tell you, how did you find out?

Only you can decide OP. But in your situation I would almost certainly forgive and forget, especially given that he changed his lifestyle for the better as a result.

I think it's time for you to demonstrate the level of maturity and commitment your DH has put into action.

At least, you hope it was just a kiss

I think given the reality check it gave him, and the steps he's taken to correct things, I'd let it pass. However, I'd be making it very clear that there can be no possibility of him reverting to being a drinker or all trust would be gone. A bit over a year is not enough for someone with a serious drink problem to claim to be free of it.