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Original poster

Found out husbands old secret

96 replies

Lifeisarollercoaster12 · 16/08/2022 15:03

DH and I are expecting our first baby later this year, my marriage is amazing in my opinion. We are best friends, laugh every day and just have a very supportive loving life together with literally zero issues bar the odd mundane day to day things maybe.

I just found out that over a year ago my husband got very drunk and kissed someone else on a night out! My husband was not reliant on alcohol but was a problem drinker, he always blacked out when he did drink and took it too far, really struggled to moderate. After this night out where he kissed someone he went sober and has been ever since, he started therapy and worked on himself for many months. At this time I didn’t know that the drunk kiss was was catalyst for this but I do now. He said he was so broken about what he had done that he had to make changes, that it was nothing to do with our marriage but with his self esteem and past issues that he fed into some attention when his inhibitions and rational decision making were gone, and didn’t even remember it, was told by colleagues.

do you think in these circumstances where genuine remorse has been shown, even though he didn’t tell me, forgiveness is the okay option? I don’t want to leave him. he said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me or lose me so he took the lesson and made major life changes to avoid repeating such behaviour ever again.

what would you do?

thanks in advance

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 16/08/2022 15:56

I know I’m unusual in these parts but a kiss wouldn’t bother me. My bloke’s a recovering alcoholic @Lifeisarollercoaster12 and the only way we could come back from some of the stuff he did when he was drinking was to draw a line under it. Nothing he did when he was drinking is held against him now.

xogossipgirlxo · 16/08/2022 16:00

I would be disappointed AF, but would try to forget and forgive. Looks like he really regrets it and wants to change.

CanofCant · 16/08/2022 16:05

It would wobble me and I'd have to think about it to be honest. Did he tell you and if so I wonder why he waited until now, when you are pregnant.

rumporolypolyofthebailey · 16/08/2022 16:06

By what you say its not a problem or a big deal. Its what you don't say that could be a problem. Who told you and what context and is he still around the person he kissed?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 16/08/2022 16:06

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 15:44

I would be disappointed that it took him this long to fess tbh

I see your point @SteveHarringtonsChestHair but this can go both ways.
When women post threads here asking if they should "confess" an indiscretion, they are often advised not to. That they are seeking guilt-reduction & forgiveness, which would be selfish to impose on their partner.

One drunken kiss isn't such a big deal in an otherwise happy marriage.
That that had the effect of making DH realise he needed to sober up & fly straight is a huge bonus. Isn't that always what we read here about apology, remorse, & forgiveness - that it needs to be backed by concerted action to be genuine & trusted?

OP, only you can make this decision.
But - so long as DH sticks to his "no binge drinking" vow, I think you've got a man who loves you, & wants to make & keep things right with you. In short - a keeper!

Hope you work this out Flowers

True - I guess if OP didn’t need to know why her DH had stopped drinking he could have just let it go and not burdened her with it.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/08/2022 16:08

The drinking is the bigger issue - blacking out regularly would be a deal breaker for me.
However he's clearly realised that he needs to sober up, and so far he's managed to stick to it. But a year isn't very long in the scheme of things, and quite honestly he sounds as if he is an alcoholic, as in "one drink is too many, two is not enough". I really hope for your sake that he is able to remain sober.

CheesusWept · 16/08/2022 16:08

How did you find out?

I’d be concerned that there was more to it than just a kiss.

PeskyRooks · 16/08/2022 16:15

Yes how you found out matters. Did he tell you or someone else?
Was it a random stranger he kissed or an ex or someone he still sees, at work for example?
Sure it was just a kiss?
If he did tell you funny he waited until you were pregnant.

excellentday · 16/08/2022 16:20

PeskyRooks · 16/08/2022 16:15

Yes how you found out matters. Did he tell you or someone else?
Was it a random stranger he kissed or an ex or someone he still sees, at work for example?
Sure it was just a kiss?
If he did tell you funny he waited until you were pregnant.

This.
Depending on answers here would depend if i'd be able to contemplate being able to forgive that or not

Fortuny · 16/08/2022 16:24

The red flag for me is that he's waited until you're pregnant. Whether or not you remain together, he'll now likely always play a part in your life.

Do you understand why he did it and why he chose to tell you now?

I can see why the majority say to ignore, if it is the perfect relationship you describe then binning it off because of one kiss is a lot to lose. However I equally wouldn't minimise his actions; he's cheated, lied and manipulated all for his own gain. "I was drunk" is not a comprehensive excuse.

Riverlee · 16/08/2022 16:25

Sounds like a one-off drunken mistake. It didn’t mean anything.

10HailMarys · 16/08/2022 16:27

I would definitely let this go. I'd be upset, of course. But my feelings about the fact that he kissed someone while pissed would be far outweighed by the fact that he felt so awful about and immediately took steps to address his drinking and start therapy to prevent it from happening again.

As you say, you have a very happy marriage, you laugh every day, you have a supportive relationship and you're about to become parents together. I would absolutely not throw that away for a drunken mistake for which your husband was desperately sorry and which prompted him to make major changes in his life. He clearly loves you very much and values your marriage - if that wasn't the case, he wouldn't have gone into therapy and given up the binge-drinking.

Namechangehereandnow · 16/08/2022 16:27

As it triggered such a massive change in his life, my guess is it wasn’t just a kiss …
Only you can decide what to do going forward - it’s all about how you feel, what you can cope with, the trust you have going forward.

TonTonMacoute · 16/08/2022 16:30

It is a big step for someone to take steps to even recognise that they have a problem (in this case alcohol), let alone take serious steps to tackle it.

i would say he has obviously given himself a real fright about how much he could have lost through his behaviour, and feels he needs to make a clean breast of things in order to move on.

I would definitely want forgive, even though you have had an unpleasant shock. Sometimes a sound relationship does just need one partner to support and help the other one in a moment of weakness, not judge them.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 16:34

category12 · 16/08/2022 15:37

I think, for me, sticking around would be conditional on his continued sobriety. I'm not much of a believer in people being able to go back to drinking "in moderation".

I'd also be slightly wary than you may not know the full story and a kiss may not be the limit of it. But assuming it is all as he says, staying is what you want to do, and he appears to have made real changes to his lifestyle so, yes, try to put it behind you.

I agree with this. The fact it made him change is what would sway me towards trying to move forward but only as long as he continued on the right path.

ThreeRingCircus · 16/08/2022 16:34

Fortuny · 16/08/2022 16:24

The red flag for me is that he's waited until you're pregnant. Whether or not you remain together, he'll now likely always play a part in your life.

Do you understand why he did it and why he chose to tell you now?

I can see why the majority say to ignore, if it is the perfect relationship you describe then binning it off because of one kiss is a lot to lose. However I equally wouldn't minimise his actions; he's cheated, lied and manipulated all for his own gain. "I was drunk" is not a comprehensive excuse.

I agree with this.

I think, in the circumstances you describe then I would move on from this. However, I would need a very frank conversation with DH that this was a one-time offer and I could look past one mistake if he made changes and it never happened again.

However it is a bit concerning that he's waited until you're pregnant to tell you. I could understand telling you straight away, and I could understand never telling you and working on sorting himself out but telling you a year later but once you're expecting a baby with him does make me a bit suspicious. I'd be saying as such to him.

MsRosley · 16/08/2022 16:34

I'm not generally a very forgiving person, but I think I could forgive that.

PainPainGoAwayToday · 16/08/2022 16:35

What proof do you have that it was just a kiss? Going to therapy and going sober says to me it was much more to encourage him to do all that. Will you forgive him if it was a one night stand?

How did you find out? If he told you- why now? Because you’re pregnant and stuck with him now? Or because she’s contacted him to say she has an STI… or a baby? You’ll never know the full truth.

It’s hardly an old secret, it was a year ago!

Branleuse · 16/08/2022 16:40

I think id forgive this but I expect it would mess with my head. I also wouldnt want to forgive him too quickly so he knew it was serious.

BlackSwan · 16/08/2022 16:40

I have a low tolerance for alcoholics. They're just never responsible for their actions & usually relapse. The kiss is disappointing.
It's all a sign of things to come. I'd be feeling trapped and angry.

alwaysontheloo · 16/08/2022 16:41

@2bazookas How has OP not demonstrated maturity and commitment? She isn't the one that got drunk and kissed someone else. So she doesn't have to do anything other than decide if she wants to stay with him. That's all.

whisht · 16/08/2022 16:45

I was in a very similar situation, DH learned from this, and is sober and gambling free for 13 years, very committed to his recovery. I let it go, but on the condition that he does not fall off the wagon again, he hasn't. That would be the dealbreaker for me.

OldFan · 16/08/2022 16:45

How did you find out @Lifeisarollercoaster12 ? If he voluntarily told you, why now, do you think?

Robyn188 · 16/08/2022 16:48

If it were me, I'd forgive.
He clearly felt very bad about what he did and decided to do something about his behaviour.
It sounds like this aside, you have a great relationship.

DiscoBadgers · 16/08/2022 16:48

I don’t understand why he’s told you now?

I did a similar thing, sort of - a colleague kissed me at a drunken work party - so I didn’t initiate it and I did stop it happening, but the first thing I did when I got in from the party was to tell DH it had happened.

If he was so remorseful then why did he also lie, and why tell you now?