Found out husbands old secret

[Lifeisarollercoaster12]

DH and I are expecting our first baby later this year, my marriage is amazing in my opinion. We are best friends, laugh every day and just have a very supportive loving life together with literally zero issues bar the odd mundane day to day things maybe.

I just found out that over a year ago my husband got very drunk and kissed someone else on a night out! My husband was not reliant on alcohol but was a problem drinker, he always blacked out when he did drink and took it too far, really struggled to moderate. After this night out where he kissed someone he went sober and has been ever since, he started therapy and worked on himself for many months. At this time I didn’t know that the drunk kiss was was catalyst for this but I do now. He said he was so broken about what he had done that he had to make changes, that it was nothing to do with our marriage but with his self esteem and past issues that he fed into some attention when his inhibitions and rational decision making were gone, and didn’t even remember it, was told by colleagues.

do you think in these circumstances where genuine remorse has been shown, even though he didn’t tell me, forgiveness is the okay option? I don’t want to leave him. he said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me or lose me so he took the lesson and made major life changes to avoid repeating such behaviour ever again.

what would you do?

thanks in advance

I would also suspect it was more than just a kiss if it was what led to such a massive overhaul in his life

Everyone makes mistakes, If some one learns from their mistake and make major improvements, We should really commend them. Respect for your husband 🙏
Even modern law is about reform and not punishment. Alcoholism may be a reason to leave but single drunken kiss is not such a big deal - its an oops moment. Let it go, continue to be happy.

I think as you are expecting a first baby with your husband then you should factor in the fact that your hormones will be very strongly influencing you to try to stay with him at all costs and might not be allowing you to see the situation clearly.

The real issue here is why it was concealed from you for so long.

I think I would even forgive domestic violence if the perpetrator's immediate reaction was to stop drinking and seek help, let alone a kiss given to the wrong person.

Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

I’d let this go. He’s made the changes he needed to and it was clearly meaningless to him and a source of great regret and remorse.

that it was nothing to do with our marriage but with his self esteem and past issues that he fed into some attention when his inhibitions and rational decision making were gone, and didn’t even remember it, was told by colleagues.

how does the first part make sense if he didn't remember it?

I don't think there is an OK option. I think you have to decide what YOU want to do.

If he's a great DH otherwise and (from what you say he is) and he's seems to have turned a corner and you genuinely feel that it was a catalyst for change I'd forgive.

Another vote for I'd forgive him. He seems genuinely remorseful and has changed off the back of it.

Alcohol ruins lives and if your husband has given up, well done him. Blackouts are the sign of an alcoholic, sorry but it is a fact. I am now a non drinker. One snog is not a dead husband and father. An alcoholic means a life of misery and then they die, early. We all do stupid things, do you love him? Is he kind, decent? Think very carefully but lay down your rules. I would forgive.

What coping strategies does he have in place to prevent him getting black out drunk when it gets stressful with a new baby?

How did you find out? Do you know any more about the kiss in terms of where / when / who saw it? Did he speak with the woman afterwards, given she presumably knows he is married? What does he know from colleagues if he can’t remember? Are you confident it was just a kiss?

I would need quite a lot of these questions answering in order to understand if I can move forward. Only other thing I would flag is that a year ago is really not ancient history, both in terms of it having happened not that long ago but in terms of his sobriety / change of behaviour to really be actually long lasting. I would maybe need to know a bit more to understand if this person won’t behave in this way again, especially so soon into the marriage.

as a side note, I would personally feel so mortified if my reputation at work is now of married man snogging colleague - I’m sure you’ve probably thought of that, but how has he navigated this in the workplace?

Seriously, covid 🤦🏻‍♀️get over it
Sorry op, I don't think it's necessarily something I'd leave over but then again I perhaps would

Life, I would need to know the full story before I made any decisions.

Who is this woman? A stranger or a colleague/friend/acquaintance whom he interacts with frequently or infrequently? Did he address his transgression with her after the fact? What was said? Do you know her and have you been around her since they kissed and have had this secret?

Who told you?

How long have you been together?

The kiss I could get over but the lying/not coming clean would be my bigger issue.

How did you find out?
How do you know it was just a kiss?

It sounds like he has done a few bad things in the past but it does sound like he’s genuinely changed.

I would tell him you need time to think and make him promise that if anything like this happens again that he tells you straight away.

I would 100% forgive someone in that situation. I'd just say: your response to what happened proves you are a good,m reliable person who made a mistake and made amends, so don't think about it again.

But if it happened again, my reaction would be totally different.

His actions obviously shook him to the core, he never told you because he didn't want to hurt you, his actions in the last year speak volumes. I would let it go.

If otherwise a happy marriage- forgive and forget.
If it happens again, don’t.

Actions speak louder than words and his actions show he was genuinely sorry and has made the necessary changes. I’d forgive him

I would personally forgive this because his actions have shown that he deeply regretted what he did and he took steps to work on himself to ensure it never happened again. Actions speak louder than words and I think he has proven it was a mistake that he deeply regrets.

However, I wouldn’t make it appear like you forgive this easily. Make him fight for you. If he sees you forgiving this very easily he may subconsciously think it would be easy to get away with this again, if times in your marriage ever get tough. Make him realise that if he ever does it again you will leave.

It does sound like you have a wonderful marriage despite this so I think you can forgive and forget and move on. Good luck x

Yes, I'd let this go. A drunken kiss he felt bad about and made such a big change because of is not a problem when things are otherwise good.

absolutely OP. Good for him for recognizing hitting bottom and making the changes he needed. You didn't make him change, he did it on his own. Well done.

How did you find out. I would be wondering if it was more than a kiss though as for me I would think it was more. But that is just me. Least he has gotten help and has addressed his issues. Up to you to trust again and to believe what you have been told but what man will stop at a kiss and he was drunk so does not remember.

Agree with others that it totally depends how you found out / who this woman was / was it really just a kiss etc?

I’d be really really upset if I found out DH had done this but I’d need to factor in more things like the above before knowing for sure what I’d do.