Found out husbands old secret

[Lifeisarollercoaster12]

DH and I are expecting our first baby later this year, my marriage is amazing in my opinion. We are best friends, laugh every day and just have a very supportive loving life together with literally zero issues bar the odd mundane day to day things maybe.

I just found out that over a year ago my husband got very drunk and kissed someone else on a night out! My husband was not reliant on alcohol but was a problem drinker, he always blacked out when he did drink and took it too far, really struggled to moderate. After this night out where he kissed someone he went sober and has been ever since, he started therapy and worked on himself for many months. At this time I didn’t know that the drunk kiss was was catalyst for this but I do now. He said he was so broken about what he had done that he had to make changes, that it was nothing to do with our marriage but with his self esteem and past issues that he fed into some attention when his inhibitions and rational decision making were gone, and didn’t even remember it, was told by colleagues.

do you think in these circumstances where genuine remorse has been shown, even though he didn’t tell me, forgiveness is the okay option? I don’t want to leave him. he said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me or lose me so he took the lesson and made major life changes to avoid repeating such behaviour ever again.

what would you do?

thanks in advance

I think you are lucky to have such a nice man in your life that made the changes to himself. It is not easy giving up alcohol.

I think the fact he took major steps to rectify his behaviour is admirable. He realised he was in danger of ruining the life you had together and it was so important to him that he put major steps in place to avoid that happening.

you do have the right to be hurt and upset but I wouldn’t let this hurt the relationship after how he has reacted to the issue.

It sounds like he is genuinely remorseful if it triggered him to make all these big changes in his life. I think he probably has changed.

However, are you sure it was just a kiss? Especially if he blacked out a lot.

And do you trust him? It all comes down to that really. For me, no matter how remorseful a guy was, the trust would be shattered if he kissed someone else.

Am abit shocked to be honest it is as if people are saying ok to cheat whether a kiss or more who knows but once you try to get help then that is ok. Or am I missing something here? Who told you also and does he still work with her. These are questions I would need answered as why would he do all that if it was just a kiss. Hope you sort things out but just make sure he is going to aa or something so he has continuous support as well done for giving up the alcohol as not easy but having a baby very stressful and he has to be able to deal with stress in a different way.

I don’t think it’s ok, or not a big deal, but of all the ways someone could respond after something like this, giving up drinking all together is a pretty strong statement that someone regrets what happened and doesn’t want to ever let it happen again.

The fact that he has acted to make changes shows commitment and understanding of his own behaviour. Just be aware that he keeps choosing you and doesn’t slip into old habits I guess.

Of course forgive. We all mess up, but he took ownership and turned his life around.

OP, could you please elaborate regarding the woman and circumstances? Is she someone in his work or friendship group? Do you know her?

In my circle of friends kissing on nights out isn't really a problem. It sounds like he really worked on himself after. If I was him I wouldn't have told you either. I think it's all fine.

I think it depends - if he had told you about it at the time would you still be together and having a baby now...?

Oh for goodness sake. It's a kiss not a full blown affair. He was under the influence of alcohol so not in control of his own actions. You know this.
How did you find out? What use is there in beating him and yourself up over it all this time later. It was a drunken mistake and it sounds like the shock of it spurred him into action to make sure it never happens again. Just let it go or it will destroy your relationship, we're all human and make really stupid mistakes at times, nobody is perfect.

If he had told her at that time, the situation would have been different though.

• one is a drunken kiss and a PROMISE to do some work on himself and stop drinking so it doesn’t happen again. No way to know if it will happen or if it’s just a hit air balloon that will deflate quickly.
• Telling her now is a drunken kiss and the PROOF he wanted to change things, on his own, took responsibility etc…

So l think there are several things to consider here.

Is your husband willing to recognise the impact that his behaviour and his subsequent concealment of his actions has had on you and your marriage?

This aspect is crucial. It is commendable that he has done his own work but it completely left you out of the loop. He might have worked on himself but can he face your hurt, your feelings of betrayal without minimizing his actions?

It is an easy way out to classify a drunken kiss as an ‘oops’ moment but unless you genuinely feel the same way then your feelings are not being validated. An ‘oops’ moment rational neatly bypasses the potential impact on the partner.

Also and this is really tricky, l feel that the rational of concealing an infidelity by saying it avoids hurting the other person again skims the surface and avoids facing the full impact. Because by concealing it, you are getting out of facing the pain you have caused and are bypassing doing the very hard work of repairing the damage.

It might have only been one kiss but can you be sure of that? It is still a red flag of problematic drinking and as others have said it is just one year.

If you had known the truth, would you have got pregnant? Or would you have been much more wary, and bided your time? Because if it is the latter, then you did not have informed consent when you decided to have a baby. This is really serious and cannot be brushed under the carpet.

Sadly my story is not dissimilar to yours and it was my husband’s inability to sit with my difficult feelings and to acknowledge them while he put all his energy into invalidating me and dismissing my reactions that destroyed our marriage.

Check out Esther Perel - she is a couples there who has written books and done lots of podcasts.
She has produced a lot of stuff about moving on from infidelity- might be useful for you.
It sounds like you are looking for permission to forgive your husband. You need to give yourself that permission. He is having therapy(which is good) , perhaps some for you would be helpful too.

I just don't get the shock and horror about him not disclosing it. Obviously he didn't. Why would you? When you slip up and are disloyal, you don't add insult to injury by telling the other person and hurting them deeply. That is just insane. You deal with your guilt by improving yourself, but keep the other person safe from the knowledge.