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Original poster

Keep seeing the same dog walker

107 replies

masinfortunelli · 16/08/2022 10:44

For the past few weeks I've started leaving for work earlier on two specific mornings. My husband leaves for work an hour and a half after I've left.

I know this sounds barking mad but I've noticed on these mornings when I'm leaving, a woman walking her dog up towards our house. I leave at roughly the same time give or take 5 minutes.

Prior to me changing my hours we had passed this woman a handful of times before at the end of the road where we'd stopped to have a quick dog chat. On those times, she always walked straight on after the chat. Now she's turning into our road. Our road isn't busy and doesn't go anywhere particularly nice.

Maybe she fancied a change. It just seems odd to me that I keep seeing her in the same place when I leave. Literally passing our neighbours' house towards ours.

It seemed to start after a morning where I was leaving for work in the car and DH had just taken the dog out and I passed DH and her chatting at the end of the road. Nothing suspicious, just a dog thing where they (the dogs) say hello briefly.

I'm getting vibes but I'm not thinking affair. Reading this back it sounds paranoid I know but something feels off about it. Any advice (short of seeing a shrink)?!

OP posts:
Original poster
masinfortunelli · 27/09/2022 09:31

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 25/09/2022 07:18

I haven't done online dating for a very long time. Do you mean to say that on these apps/sites, you can set your preference for the other person's relationship status, meaning that you can choose to be in contact with married or partnered people? If so, is this standard? To state the obvious, this would be immoral as a built-in feature. Is this what's going on?

Yes, on that one the user can set the relationship status preferences. Hers is set to 'all' which seems quite unusual as looking at other profiles people seem to include 'single', 'widowed', sometimes 'separated'.
I never got a chance to double-back although I did see her walk right past our house seconds after he returned from a dog walk and she waved at him.
He said nothing to me about that, even though I was right next to him.
I've said nothing to him. Waiting to see how it pans out.

OP posts:
stickynoter · 27/09/2022 09:59

So you know as a minimum he's been on a dating site.....is that not enough in itself to end it?

deedledeedledum · 27/09/2022 10:47

OP do you have any updates?

Anon778833 · 27/09/2022 11:42

The fact that he signed up to a dating site, for however long or short, plainly shows that he intends to cheat on you. So that alone would break any trust I had for this man. The dog walking woman is incidental but it certainly does sound like somethings going on there, too.

There are indeed some dating sites that allow people to set preferences to date people who are married or in relationships. Anyone who things this is immoral, well yes it is but dating sites care nothing for morality, only money making.

This whole thing shows that you should never ignore a gut feeling.

You sound way too relaxed about this @masinfortunelli - you can’t be feeling happy? Sad

Original poster
masinfortunelli · 27/09/2022 13:33

Not happy at all about the dating app but because it was for such a short period of time I don't think he was really serious about using it to find someone to cheat with. I'm not going to kneejerk and tell him to leave, and I think I have more chance of finding out what's been going on if I don't say anything anyway. The strangest thing about all this is that his behaviour has not changed in any way, not even the slightest change, so I am ruling out affair.

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 27/09/2022 13:39

Are you still seeing the woman walk up your road? Sadly, I don’t think a lack of change in his behaviour proves he’s not cheating - I’ve seen a lot of stories on her where the wife was blindsided and literally had no idea based on behaviour.

What is your situation like- do you two have children at home as well?

Original poster
masinfortunelli · 27/09/2022 13:47

I haven't seen her this past week. No children at home @MondaysChild7 just the dog.

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 27/09/2022 13:50

I’m sorry you have this worry. I’d be watching him like a hawk, personally.

Original poster
masinfortunelli · 27/09/2022 13:51

Surely there would be some sort of sign. He's not going anywhere new, no unaccounted for time, he's not working late, not acting shady or protective over his phone, our relationship hasn't changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
masinfortunelli · 27/09/2022 13:52

Anon778833 · 27/09/2022 13:50

I’m sorry you have this worry. I’d be watching him like a hawk, personally.

Thank you. I intend to. A hawk from afar though.

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 14:52

I think you’ve set your boundaries a little low with this. The fact he only went on the dating site a short time is a red herring. The point is the intent was already there to look elsewhere even if he didn’t and that means he’s not happy in the relationship and you need to have a serious discussion. Unless you’re happy knowing he has the intention to look elsewhere and pretend it’s all hunky dory until you do catch him at it. I don’t think I could be with someone I know already intends to look elsewhere because the line of respect for me has already been crossed. He wouldn’t be Ben have the intent unless there was already a problem. I’d rather he just did it and fucked off with her now and stayed fucked off, or I confronted him and gave him the option to end it.

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 27/09/2022 14:53

WhackingPhoenix · 16/08/2022 11:41

Why the fuck are posters suggesting you set up hidden cameras to spy on your husband because a woman is walking her dog?

By all means go back to retrieve a ‘forgotten’ item, but setting up cameras? I’d be livid if my DP did that to me on a random suspicion that the man up the road was bringing his Labrador in while we had a quick shag, and also pretty concerned for his mental well-being.

I cannot stop laughing at this - so so so true.

LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 14:55

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 27/09/2022 14:53

I cannot stop laughing at this - so so so true.

Show quote history

Looks like the suspicion was correct though doesn’t it?

denpark · 27/09/2022 15:02

Oh what a dick. So sorry OP. It sounds like they're up to something. Take care of yourself xx

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 15:10

I wonder if she mentioned the dating site when they were chatting and he snuck on there to see her profile?

Anon778833 · 27/09/2022 15:12

LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 14:52

I think you’ve set your boundaries a little low with this. The fact he only went on the dating site a short time is a red herring. The point is the intent was already there to look elsewhere even if he didn’t and that means he’s not happy in the relationship and you need to have a serious discussion. Unless you’re happy knowing he has the intention to look elsewhere and pretend it’s all hunky dory until you do catch him at it. I don’t think I could be with someone I know already intends to look elsewhere because the line of respect for me has already been crossed. He wouldn’t be Ben have the intent unless there was already a problem. I’d rather he just did it and fucked off with her now and stayed fucked off, or I confronted him and gave him the option to end it.

I agree. This isn’t something that will resolve itself. Also the OP said upthread that she was concerned that her DH didn’t seem to know her well even though they’ve been together a long time.

Anon778833 · 27/09/2022 15:14

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 15:10

I wonder if she mentioned the dating site when they were chatting and he snuck on there to see her profile?

its not appropriate to do that though, is it. I don’t think I would join a dating site just to look at a random acquaintance’s profile unless I had an actual interest in them.

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 15:28

No, of course it's not appropriate to do that; I was just thinking he might have only joined to see it, rather than being on there anyway.

Original poster
masinfortunelli · 27/09/2022 16:09

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 15:28

No, of course it's not appropriate to do that; I was just thinking he might have only joined to see it, rather than being on there anyway.

I think that is what has happened. Which of course means that the first time he and I met her was not actually the first time they had spoken together. Which explains her behaviour which was overly familiar and she ignored me completely. So he's been deceitful by omission.

OP posts:
PorpoiseWithPurpose · 27/09/2022 17:13

Keep your cards close to your chest, OP while you do more digging.

AMindNeedsBooks · 27/09/2022 17:53

masinfortunelli · 27/09/2022 16:09

I think that is what has happened. Which of course means that the first time he and I met her was not actually the first time they had spoken together. Which explains her behaviour which was overly familiar and she ignored me completely. So he's been deceitful by omission.

Show quote history

I'm sorry OP but this doesn't sound good.

Why would he join a dating app to see a profile of someone unless he was interested in them?

Why would he lie about meeting her for the first time with you if it was innocent?

Why would she be so rude to ignore you?

Is there any way he could know you have found this out and told her to meet after you're away if it's been mentioned you've driven past her a few times?

Definitely do what you intend to and keep a close eye on this. I'd still go with PPs advice to go back home for something.

My ex was emotionally (and likely physically) cheating on me for YEARS and I had no idea. Didn't change his behaviour at all, left his phone lying around because he deleted the messages - only found out because he would block when with me so there were no notifications and he didn't delete his blocked messages. He forgot to sign out of social media on our shared laptop (he never even used it...or so I thought...and didn't have the app on his phone) which is how I knew something wasn't right so I checked his blocked messages and there they were. And not even one woman either.

deedledeedledum · 27/09/2022 18:08

OP you've said he's not going anywhere new or suspicious but couldn't he be using the time when you are at work? Maybe he only went on the site briefly because he met her then went off as he didn't need of any more. How brief was he on it? How could you tell? Maybe he got smart and realised he could be caught so went back on under a different name.

LuckyLil · 27/09/2022 18:39

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 15:28

No, of course it's not appropriate to do that; I was just thinking he might have only joined to see it, rather than being on there anyway.

Well of course, but why would you even do that if you were in a loving stable relationship with someone you never intended to cheat on anyway? It still comes down to intent, which clearly wasn't to always be loyal to op and not check up on other women if he felt like exploring what else might be available. I couldn't get past that because if I kept quiet I'd be spending the rest of my relationship waiting for him to act on that intent. And he will one day, then I'll be wishing I'd confronted him when I knew he was sniffing around other women on dating sites. As a general rule you don't join dating sites full stop when you are in a committed relationship to one person whom you love and respect. Like I said, I think the boundaries have been set a little low from the point op decided to tolerate this and there's a much greater chance now that this won't be all she tolerates while she just plays it by ear.

CuriousMama · 27/09/2022 21:40

Wow your bar is so low a limbo dancer would struggle!

Anon778833 · 27/09/2022 21:51

I would have confronted him about the dating site (with evidence) the minute I found that he’d been on there, personally. I wouldn’t be waiting for him to do more stuff.

Its bad enough joining a dating site when you’re not married but in a relationship. But married? No, no, no.