Affair

[klk6]

A few weeks ago I found out my husband had been messaging another woman from work (explicit).

Taking photos (in our bedroom) and telling her he was going find an excuse to stay away so he could f* her!!!!. I found the messages and pictures on his work phone.

My whole world has been completely shattered as we’ve only been married 9months. I completely believed we were living the dream and never ever expected this and I’m in complete shock.

I don’t know if I can move on from this. If he can do this so early into our marriage when things were SO good, what will happen in years to come when it may become challenging?

I am utterly devastated and have no idea what to do?

Pack him a bag and chuck him out. There's no point in prolonging it.
Sorry OP wishing you strength.

I feel like I’m grieving, as he’s not the man I thought I married.

Agree, pack him a bag, this is bad news so early in a marriage

What a horrific betrayal. Klk6, he has trashed your marriage and made a mockery of you.

What consequences has he suffered so far? Have you sent him away while you weigh your options? Personally, I would end the marriage. You will never feel safe with this cheat who feels entitled to deceive and humiliate you by chasing sleazy thrills.

Consider solo counseling to help you navigate your grief and make the best decisions for your well-being.

I did kick him out of the family home.

He is back again at the minute, but not sure this will continue. He has come back to quickly and I wasn’t thinking straight.

He has left his job (well paid job) with immediate effect and is he saying he had a “moment of madness” and will do anything because he loves me and our family.

I am utterly beyond broken, and so very hurt. He started the messages, pictures and to her, and asked for more. Telling her he wants to fuck her and see more pictures.

it’s so early in a marriage to fuck up so bad, I just feel it doesn’t hold much hope for a future?

or can this be repaired over time?

No. Seriously. He messed up so early on when it's supposed to be happiness and trust.

This is who he is.

Can you face years of this?

He will simply get better at hiding his affairs.

Nah, bin him. What do you mean he left his job? Where does he work now?
Pack his bags and send him back to his parents or wherever he came from.

I'd kick him out. I wouldn't be able to trust him again.

Yeh this is way too early in the marriage to be repaired, he’s just a cheater and will always be. Sorry OP- in the long term you’ll realise it’s better you found out so early and got out quickly.

Kick him out he has no respect for you. Clearly he dosn’t value you or your marraige vows to risk it all.

No, it can't 'be repaired' & you'll ruin your life trying to.

For all you know, it's not even the first time. You've not been married long, but you have kids, so you must have been together a few years.

occasionally you'll get a couple who will 'make it work' but it's very rare & generally older couple who choose to 'start again' together. You can't just 'fix it' like it never happened. & although you'll get the odd person who says it's better than before, the ones I know say it, but definitely don't mean it.

it changes who you are, but it's a bit better with someone new. But the absolute bastard has changed you as a person & staying together will further damage you.

So he is unfaithful and unemployed?

It would be a huge "No" from me.

He won't change.

I’m so sorry you’re in pain. I don’t believe that cheating always equals LTB BUT it does mean a long and painful road ahead and it isn’t guaranteed success. Many cheats repeat the behaviour but not all! Reconciliation IS possible.

it’s a very good thing that he was prepared to give up his job immediately. That shows real determination to do the right thing. I’ve known many drag their feet over that boundary.

I’d get a copy of ‘How to help my spouse heal from my affair’, read it from cover to cover to get a sense of the work he needs to do then pass it to him and watch. Affair Recovery videos are an amazing resource. He also needs to get into individual counselling to uncover why.

You will also need to heal. And as you heal you may find that you decide this is a deal breaker for you and that’s absolutely fine. He has broken the contract of your marriage the onus is on him to make you feel like you can be safe again with him.

Right now you don’t have to make any decisions, start by reading that book and watch what he does.

Most importantly look after yourself.

I’m sorry this has happened to you op. He’s a fucking idiot!!!! Can it be repaired? The short answer is yes, if YOU want it to be and if he puts the work in (which will take a lot of effort and commitment and fundamental change on his side) He should be in therapy, working out why he did this, if he loves you so much? Is he just a selfish, entitled shit head or does he have deeper issues, which absolutely will not excuse his behaviour but might help him and you understand it more. He should be reading books on infidelity, give you complete access to all his devices etc. frankly, he should be breaking his back to regain your trust and he will have to do that for YEARS in order to rebuild your relationship. And it still might not work and in a year or. 3 years time you still might think, fuck it, I still hate you. Can you be arsed with all that? Will he do the work? Him doing this so early on in your relationship is obviously not good. Personally I would throw him out, tell him to sort his shite out. If he does the above things I’ve mentioned, off his own back, I might consider a discussion about a future together. But then again I might not. He’s fucked this up op, it’s up to him to try fix it and up to you to decide what you want. And be prepared for more to come out - trickle truth is a well documented thing Good luck xx

What sort of age are you and any DC?

Been in your shoes and just not worth it. From now on, it's you doing all the hurting, compromising, never knowing where he is and with whom for the rest of your days.. ...9 months into a marriage, you deserve so much more than a shallow rat with no integrity or morals.

Why is he back home??

So as it stands now:

He left his job with immediate effect and has basically lost his career and car. I own the home so can easily ask him to leave with no financial tie.

we have been together a few years and both have children. His children sadly have witnessed multiple relationships break up (his x-wife has introduced them to 3other men over 2years, and his mum 2men) and I wanted them to see love and commitment.

He is now working a summer job, earning minimum wage and is saying he will
do anything, what ever, however long and so on…………………..

before I met him I had been on my own for 2 years after seeking help and support to leave an alcoholic abusive 11year relationship. He completely and utterly promised and swore he would never hurt or let me down.

can I also add he was completely sober and day time whilst messaging this other woman. And at times sitting next to me on the sofa.

i feel more betrayed by him than anyone.

my children adore him, and great step dad.

my head feels like spaghetti junction.

I’m 39
hes 34

I'd you're married then the house is broadly half his.

He wont change

By staying with him you will only show him that you will tolerate his cheating behaviour and he will almost certainly do it again. Seen it happen time and time again. The only real lesson he will learn is to hide it better next time so you dont find out

He’s a loser. Kick him out. You will never get over the betrayal.

Do you have your house protected in any way? As the marriage is still quite new that could go in your favour.

I have no words for you
Please confide in a friend or family member

What an idiot he is. Why on earth would he give up his job?

I would definitely get rid.

You have to wait a year after you got married before you file for divorce anyway but if you own the house I would 100% do it as soon as you can.
the longer you leave it the more entitled he is to your assets.
and he will do this again, it’s just the beginning.

It’s great that you want to offer his children a wonderful role model but that was on him and he failed. You will carry no guilt if you decide this is a deal breaker.

It’s honestly good he left his job BUT I’m afraid to say many cheats make dramatic gestures at first in an attempt to keep control the outcome, it’s long term change and work that matters. And only time will show that.

The big question for you is so you believe he will put in the heavy lifting and if you’re prepared to give him the time. If you don’t and aren’t then there is no point. There would be no shame if you didn’t want to or didn’t believe him.

Time will heal the pain you are in right now and a truly remorseful partner can become safe again but it’s a gamble. There is an element of truth in the posts telling you to leave, it’s a tough journey and doesn’t always end the way you hope.

It concerns me that you’ve only been together a few years, and married nine months, it concerns me that he was texting sober, so his barriers weren’t down, he is just a selfish and entitled arse who needs to be fed constant ego kibbles. But he needs to unpick that.

I will repeat though cheating doesn’t have to be the death sentence on a relationship, it’s your life, your family, your choice!