Affair

[klk6]

A few weeks ago I found out my husband had been messaging another woman from work (explicit).

Taking photos (in our bedroom) and telling her he was going find an excuse to stay away so he could f* her!!!!. I found the messages and pictures on his work phone.

My whole world has been completely shattered as we’ve only been married 9months. I completely believed we were living the dream and never ever expected this and I’m in complete shock.

I don’t know if I can move on from this. If he can do this so early into our marriage when things were SO good, what will happen in years to come when it may become challenging?

I am utterly devastated and have no idea what to do?

He sat next to you on the sofa, texting another woman he was going to find an excuse to get away and fuck her, and asking for more pictures of her. During this time you were sitting there chatting away with no inkling of what he was doing.
9 months into a marriage is still the honeymoon period, when you are still loved up and everything’s rosy. As you yourself say, if he can do this now then what happens when you have a big argument or when you go through a rough patch, you have zero chance of him being faithful, ZERO!!!
All the tears and promises in the world wouldn’t change my mind, I would divorce him. He’s shown you who he is, a liar, a cheat ( he was sexting and trying to meet up with another woman). Sometimes in life you need to just recognise your worth, and believe me you are worth more than being treated so appallingly .

What a f**king idiot leaving his job immediately. I totally get why you don't want him working there, but surely he'd find something else first?

Did he not have a notice period? Could he have been fired for being inappropriate with a colleague? It smells a bit fishy to me. Once a liar.

This.

To my understanding pre nups are not enforceable in this country.

The longer you're married, the more chance he'll walk off with your assets.

I initially said it was be impossible for him to continue in the same job as it would be working with the lady he had an affair with

Did he serve his notice period. Foolish of both of you if not.
Likewise foolish to not find an equivalent job before leaving.

Are his kids child maintenance paymenrs now affected because he's working a min wage summer job?

Why should his ex and kids suffer because you can't trust him and he chested on you with a work colleague??

The fact he put you in the position of desperately/urgent)ly wanting him to leave his good job because of his cheating. The situation is a fkg mess, and hes the only who.created it.

his first marriage broke down, typical met young situation. I know this is true, as I get on ok with his previous x

Nonetheless you don't know for sure he didn't cheat on her too. He just may not have been caught.

our marriage WAS absolutely amazing we had so much fun together, loads of sex, weekends away completely buzzing.

Someone who can cheat in these circumstances can def cheat in any. He diesbt even gave the excuse of boredom, long relationship, like mates, spark gone etc.

*I can’t get my head around why…..as his answer is there is no “why” as he doesn’t even know why?????

there must be a why?*

An opportunity raised its head and he is disloyal, selfish, low integrity. No big complicated reason probably.

He also thought arrogantly he wouldn't get caught, hence setting het right on the sofa beside you.

He's ruined everything - for many people!

He's spoiled his relationship with you, a relationship that sounds like it was a good one yet he was still willing to spoil it.

He's left his job and now, presumably, his ex is affected due to child maintenance. Which in turn affects his children...

There is no way I could ever trust him again if it were me.

Also, seek advice about how well protected your house is....

And he's only sorry BECAUSE he got caught. He wasn't sorry when he was doing it!!

If it was all seemingly roses. Great companionship and sex, Hes probably just 'one of those men' ...always want something new, chasing elicit thrills, doesn't give a sh*t who they hurt or how it will affect their kids. No moral compass. Don't stay with him, it won't get easier.

OP I think you have to stop asking why - he won't answer it.

Maybe think about it like this. Did he think having a sexual relationship with someone else would upset you? Did he value your relationship enough to not do something that he knew would hurt you? No, he didn't. The only person he thought about was himself. He did not care at all about how much his actions would hurt you. He didn't do it once. He did it on multiple occasions.

That is who he is. Someone who will always put himself first and not care how what he does impacts you - unless of course you catch him out.

I think you should prioritise yourself. What do you want? From experience, the hurt doesn't go away and there's always a small niggle of what if he's doing it again - I didn't know the first time.

“Maybe think about it like this. Did he think having a sexual relationship with someone else would upset you? Did he value your relationship enough to not do something that he knew would hurt you? No, he didn't. The only person he thought about was himself. He did not care at all about how much his actions would hurt you. He didn't do it once. He did it on multiple occasions.

That is who he is. Someone who will always put himself first and not care how what he does impacts you - unless of course you catch him out.”

This with bells on.

Why?

He won't be able to answer that but the real reason is because he is selfish. Would he admit that he is selfish, probably not.

Would he admit that he was only thinking about himself and didn't for a moment consider you and given half the chance would do the same thing again (but this time be more careful not to be found out) - he probably wouldn't admit that but as he is selfish this is precisely what he will do.

What's the saying on here, when someone shows you who they are, listen. He has shown you, are you going to listen?

It's always a "moment of madness" when they're found out.

It wasn't a moment. It wasn't a mistake. It was a repeated choice. Over and over. And he was planning and definitely would have engineered a sex meet up behind your back. Probably repetitively. But you found him out. And he doesn't want to say "I'm a lowlife cheating fucker who can't be trusted." Far easier to say he's a man who had a moment of weakness.

Divorce home

Exactly, you don't get to the point of openly talking about arranging to meet for sex in a "moment of madness". It takes weeks, possibly months of flirtation and inappropriate behaviour, leading to it. You already know he's been sexting and exchanging photos. He made the choice to do all that.

In the wider picture, getting intkna serious relationship with and then marrying you has provided him with a better home than he could provide for himself and his kids (when they're with him) on his own as a divorced man and "single dad", its provided him with a step parent/co parent for them when he has them (v convenient for most men to for into a blended family with the woman probably doing most of the life admin, caring, organisation etc), a better standard of living, a respectable, responsible partner & plus one for life in general etc. There were lots of advantages in settling with you and marrying you. He benefits from it and of course he's going to fight to keep it.

But he clearly really doesnt feel he should have to stick to the "sacrifices" that commitment meant; like not following through on.apparent opportunities for flirtation and sex with other women. Those are his values, you won't change that.

How long were you together before you introduced kids, moved moved together, got married etc.?

Is it possible you rushed into this, particularly due to hoe you felt after you previous marriage/relationship?

I am going through similar except I had to leave as his Dad owned the house we lived in. It has been vile, the worst experience of my life ever, I trusted him and even on the morning of our Wedding I asked him to not go through with it if there was any chance he would cheat or let me down.
It was awful, the constant messages to her, on the phone at 5.30am etc coming home from work later and later and he still denied it.
His behaviour towards me was abhorrent. Would I have him back? Hell no, his behaviour and things he said can never be undone. It has broken me in so many ways, never will I let anyone this close to me again.
You have the house, you have got this girl, kick his sorry ass out! I took everything from his home that I had paid for, leaving him a dining room table and a sofa! I may have had to leave but he was left with nothing and there is a special place in hell for the bastards that do this!!

What a stupid, disrespectful wanker. To do that to you, to his kids, to his amazing marriage. Wtf?? I wouldn't forgive him.

there must be a why?

A lot of men like sex and/or like the thrill of sex outside their marriage. It doesn't matter how much they're getting at home, they always want something extra.

Or he could be a bit of a commitmentphobe who can't handle the demands of marriage I suppose.

The pain is awful makes you feel physically I’ll xxx

Beacause hes a selfish cheating lieing git. Who knows how many others you don’t know about. Do yourself a favour and kick him out.

Klk, it looks like you’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another. Your H’s promise to provide you and all the children with love and safety was merely lip service.

His ‘moment of madness’ excuse is a total lie. He cultivated this sordid affair with OW because he craves illicit gratification and saw an opportunity. He got a buzz from conducting his sleaziness sitting right next to you in your children’s home. This type of self-absorbed, self-serving individual feels entitled to the rush of a double life, and the security/well-being of partners and children is collateral damage.

I highly doubt that this is his first infidelity rodeo, and it won’t be the last.

You need to show him the door again while you get your bearings. If you decide to stay, be aware that rebuilding trust can take 2-5 years, and that is with a totally remorseful and transparent partner who digs deep in counseling to examine the character flaws that enabled the lying and cheating. In my view, this man is a bad bet, and I wouldn’t subject myself and my children to the anxiety and uncertainty that life with this deceiver will bring.

Keep posting, Klk.

It’s honestly good he left his job BUT I’m afraid to say many cheats make dramatic gestures at first in an attempt to keep control the outcome, it’s long term change and work that matters. And only time will show that.

Yeah it's 'honestly good' that he's now made OP bear the financial burden of the family as well as her having to bear emotional fallout of finding out her husband has been having an affair. What a nice guy 🙄

not all relationships are doomed after an affair, but I think yours is, I’m afraid. The sheer brazen behaviour he has displayed shows a total lack of respect for you. If you stay with him, you will have a miserable future.