Affair

[klk6]

A few weeks ago I found out my husband had been messaging another woman from work (explicit).

Taking photos (in our bedroom) and telling her he was going find an excuse to stay away so he could f* her!!!!. I found the messages and pictures on his work phone.

My whole world has been completely shattered as we’ve only been married 9months. I completely believed we were living the dream and never ever expected this and I’m in complete shock.

I don’t know if I can move on from this. If he can do this so early into our marriage when things were SO good, what will happen in years to come when it may become challenging?

I am utterly devastated and have no idea what to do?

Being hard hearted about it, the best way to protect your house is to divorce asap, otherwise it might not go great for you

And yes, your house is a huge concern!

You say husband - so your married. That unfortunately means he has claim on your house/assets regardless of it being in your name.
But it doesn't sound like you've been married for long so it might count for something. You need legal advice.
He will do it again down the line... just more secretly so not to get caught. He's shown his true colours I'm afraid!

No, it can't 'be repaired' & you'll ruin your life trying to.

Agree. Take it from me. Two affairs early on in forgave and now 20 years later it's happened again.. That I knew about. I now realise there were probably others in between, if not he was definitely trying.

Thought he'd changed, that I was lucky he wasn't like that anymore. He was like that. The whole time, and now in my early 40s I am alone yet again. When talking it through this time the words "what about when I do it again" showing me who he is and that he has no intention of stopping. I wasted my whole life on someone who wasn't who I thought. They say when someone shows/tells you who they are, believe them. I wish I had and my life might have had a chance of being happy.

Can it be repaired? The short answer is yes

You don't actually know that! Every couple is different and the fact is that lots of people (from this forum I'd estimate well over 50%) cannot repair a relationship with infidelity. So you're talking nonsense and projecting some infidelity recovery cult-y beliefs onto op.

The more important question is should it be repaired, should op give her h the opportunity to try to repair it? Abd the answer to that is probably- no.

When you see behaviour like thos this early in a marriage (or at all) you are dealing with character issues and values that are not easily solved. I fact may not ever be solved.

"Moment of madness" is complete BS - because you don't go from 0 to 60 in terms of discussing sex/sexting and intended sexual activity with another person. That just does not happen.... there are weeks (min) or months of build up to sexting and discussing future sexual activity together when every step of the way, repeatedly you are making the decision to behave like that, aware that its utterly inappropriate.

So there was no moment of madness.

And if he hadn't been caught, where would it have gone. Even if they didn't follow through (how unlikely), the sort of person who can discuss meeting up and and a other person enthusiastically/coldly while married ..... I not the sort of person you want to throw your lot in with.

What I'd suspect is that this is not new, isolated behaviour. You just haven't caught him out before.

But it doesn't sound like you've been married for long so it might count for something. You need legal advice.

When I was married about 7 yrs, a solicitor estimated my h might get up to 25% of equity.

The sooner you divorce this cheater the better, Inn terms of him walking away with your assets. The no fault divorce system in this country is a joke for betrayed spouses.

“moment of madness

As per my argument that it takes time and repeated "inappropriate" behaviour to get to the point he got to .... if it was a single "moment if madness" with no build up/background .... he'd have been severely sexually harassing his work colleague and would be risking his job. The fact that she hadn't reported him for sexual harassment, and he wasn't scaRed of going reported for sexual harassment means it was a built up, two way, affair - that he was apparently escalating from sexting and photo exchange to physical.

So he's also om discovery, lost the plot and sacked in his well.paid job ... in a knee jerk attempt to get you to not end the marriage.

There are severalmisdues with that including;

.. how nice if him, while you're devastated, to throw the entire financial responsibility for your household onto you.

• how exactly is he going to explain his suddenly leaving his previous job, without a proper notice period (?).does he not think employers might br wary of behaviour like that? And this man hsd kids from a previous relationship to support?

He is a cheater, who s also rash, exrreme, irresponsible, inconsiderate, foolish ..... he seems quite unstable. He is not someone to hitch your wagon to.

Why did his relationship with the mother of his kids break down??
Bet she caught him at something like this.

Honestly man like this are just revolving trash.

it’s a very good thing that he was prepared to give up his job immediately. That shows real determination to do the right thing. I’ve known many drag their feet over that boundary.

No it doesnt, at all.

Sacking in a well paid, secure job because you got caught having an affair with your work colleague, with no equal/near paid job set up to go to .... and taking a min wage summer job .... when you are co responsible for a household with your spouse, and responsible for kids from your previous relationship.... is beyond stupid, rash, foolish, and very inconsiderate to your current an ex spouse.

Op now has to take up his financial slack, and he's just reduced significantly his child maintenance payments to his ex ... other people are affected, inc his kids, by his decision.

And he could have chosen to act appropriately towards his work colleague, is he not capable of that ....that he had to leave? Or he could have at least not left before he found a new, suitable job. I think he did it in a knee jerk, rash desperate move to "show" op he'd cut off his affair partner& affair context in the most extreme way possible cause he thought it would make make not throw him out/end the marriage. It was manipulative (as well as dumb, short sighted, irresponsible).

He acted like the job and the affair partner were the problem (if they were gone, problem solved).; whereas in fact he is the problem.

He started the messages, pictures and to her, and asked for more. Telling her he wants to fuck her and see more pictures.

He's a cheater.

Chances are his relationship with the mother of his kids broke down because if similar behaviour.

The fact she's been irresponsible in terms of introducing their kids to new partners (have you seen that with your own eyes incidentally?) doesn't mean she's a bad person and he's a good one ...
Though no doubt thats the.way he's portrayed it throughout your relationship. Her being irresponsible doesn't mean he's not, or that he wasnt a cheater then too. You know one thing for sure, he's a cheater now and it's not far down the road, so he probably was then too.

Even if he wasn't (unlikely, behaviour like this and the valued that undepin it) rarely just crop up out of the blue), he is now.

You have no kids together with him yet, he hasn't got much of a clainnon your assets yet ... time to get out ASAP.

So he married a woman with her own house and then proceeded to try and hook up with someone else. Now he has no proper job and is even more reliant on you to financially support him.

Can you see this for what it is? He sees you as a meal ticket. Kick his arse out now

In general, I find men who've ended up divorced or separated with kids often rush into new relationships to get a house keeper, co parent, domestic drudge etc to fulfil the traditionally female roles their ex filled. They feel they have to have their kids regularly to demonstrate theyre a good person and Dad (and to lesser cm payments) but they don't actually want to deal with the work of looking after their kids on their own bor their home on their own ... that's women work after all.

Both parties of the failed relationship also tend to be determined to show the they're not the one who's at fault, who's dysfunctional, who's not "loveable" ... by rushing into and establishing new relationships .... that hasnt worked for her - because of the differences in the semester and the fact there are so many men who are j

*because of the differences in the sexes and the fact there are so many men who are just after sex and will go along with a relationship to get it until they get bored .... while it has worked for him, because women in contrast are far far more likely to want commitment & marriage.

Of course he's really sorry...............that he's been caught red handed.

If you hadn't have round those disgusting messages how long would it have gone on for?

My house is completely protected for my future.

I initially said it was be impossible for him to continue in the same job as it would be working with the lady he had an affair with.

his first marriage broke down, typical met young situation. I know this is true, as I get on ok with his previous x. His children have met multiple partners and sadly only aged 7 and 12.

because it’s raw and I’m still in Crisis mode I can’t make decisions and need support for the sake of myself and children.

our marriage WAS absolutely amazing we had so much fun together, loads of sex, weekends away completely buzzing. I can’t get my head around why…..as his answer is there is no “why” as he doesn’t even know why?????

there must be a why?

Op of you choose to try and forgive this please know the long and painful road you will walk down. You will not get those messages and photos out of your head they will replay and pop up in your mind regularly even months / years on.
The fact that things were in your mind SO GOOD between you means you will never be able to trust him. You can’t even try blame it on a rough patch between you, or find a cause and work on it between you, because this is all about him and the selfish decisions he’s made probably has before and quite likely will again.
He should have thought about what he could lose before getting caught and being “devestated”.
Splitting with him will still hurt like hell because you love him but you’ll at least have piece of mind which I don’t think you will again if you stay with him.
Good luck, I really feel for you

OP, you need to kick this man out ASAP.

The why is because he could. That won't change. As hard as it is, he needs to leave.

It always starts like this with OP saying what has happened and the awful thing he has done, and then how sorry he is and what a great father he is etc etc etc...
He's only sorry because he has been caught out. He has no respect for you

Be done with this disgusting cheat

it’s a very good thing that he was prepared to give up his job immediately. That shows real determination to do the right thing.

The right thing by who? Because I'm guessing he's no longer paying his own bills or child maintenance to the extent he previously was.

Divorce him whole it is recognised as a MARRIAGE OF SHORT DURATION.

This is looked upon differently by the courts.

Him fucking up this badly this early and you forgiving him would be a green light to piss all over you forever.

Divorce him and if you feel like forgiving him, date him but whatever you do, divorce him for this so you have more control going forward and do not be persuaded to remarry him - ever.

When people show you who and what they are and you see it with your own eyes. Believe it to be true.

While not whole = fatfingers

Personally, I couldn't get past an affair, especially so early on!

He can't tell you why he did it, so what would stop that same excuse another time? He did it because he could. And he could again. And again.

I'd want a better role model for my children.

There is a why and its simply because he can, he's selfish and one cocky bastard! Get rid of him. Your marriage is tainted & soiled.

My house is completely protected for my future.

I have a pre-nuptial a post nuptial and a declaration of trust in place to protect my home in the event of divorce. However my solicitor strongly cautioned me that nothing is water tight. If you're married he can make a claim on any assets. Agreements like these only go so far.
Hopefully he wouldn't and hopefully you'd keep what's yours even if he did try it.... but it's not worth the risk !! Get out now. Get divorced and take your full independence back while you can. You haven't been married long enough to try and work through this bullshit.