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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think this is pretty lame of DP and to be pissed off

121 replies

arthurormartha · 13/08/2022 18:53

So for context DP has always been a total drama queen about the heat IMHO.

OK I get that a lot of people really struggle with it. I don't, personally, I love heat (although today has been bad even for me). But I know people have very different thresholds and I try to be respectful about it.

But DP basically shuts down when its too hot. He has to lie around with a wet towel over him all the time. Can't eat, can't leave the house, can't do anything other than lie in bed. Has to sleep in weird places at night and carries a fan with him everywhere. I'm superficially sympathetic but I actually think at some level that he overdoes it and could reign it in a bit. He's perfectly capable of going to work in it so he can manage outside work. Yes its unpleasant but I don't think its a justification for having to go to bed for three hours like a Victorian woman with consumption when the temperature goes over 20 degrees.

We don't live together but we're together four days out of seven. Our relationship is generally really good, we've been together four years. Absolutely no reason I can think of why anything could be up (obviously you can't know for sure but nothing I'm aware of).

I'm going on holiday tomorrow for five days. He was supposed to come over tonight (as he always does on Saturdays unless we go out) and I was going to cook. I messaged him earlier in the afternoon to ask what he wanted to eat. I didn't hear from him for about four hours and he's just messaged to say he's "too hot" to come over or to eat and will have to lie down in a darkened room until its cooler and then might think about coming later.

I've told him not to bother, I'll see him in a week.

It's always possible there's something up which he hasn't told me but I really don't think so. I think its just another fit of the vapours about the heat and he can't face coming over.

AIBU to think that if your partner is going away you make the bloody effort even if its a bit uncomfortable?

OP posts:

SleepingAgent · 13/08/2022 22:42

@Runwalkskijump I'm less than 50 miles from Inverness (which is why I used it) and we had 24c today with a nice breeze, lovely!

If OP says it's 20c with her at 7/8pm which is when he was supposed to be there with her, why shouldn't we believe her?

Dery · 13/08/2022 22:53

No-one’s perfect so if your DP ticks lots of other boxes, I don’t see why you can’t go with the flow on this and just accept that he finds the heat really debilitating. He has to work so the fact that he copes with going to work doesn’t mean he wouldn’t prefer to be lying under a wet towel.

indigoindigo · 13/08/2022 22:54

Maybe he just doesn’t want to see you. To be honest, the way you talk about other people doesn’t make you sound very nice.

FloydPepper · 13/08/2022 22:58

So if I’m reading this thread right

a lot of women have posted saying they don’t like the heat and that’s fine

the OPs parent however is dramatic, namby pamby, and needs to man up and just get on with it. He’s giving people the ick

pretty toxic narrative tbh

FloydPepper · 13/08/2022 23:00

Partner, not parent

Rowthatboat · 13/08/2022 23:04

He's shown you his priorities. 1. Going to work whether or not he's hot. 2. Having a long nap because he's hot on a non-work day. 3. Communicating with you.

He's being incredibly selfish leaving you to clean and cook for him in this heat and then telling you when he was due to arrive that it's too hot for him to come. Is he always this selfish? I don't think this is a problem about his capacity to cope in the heat I think it's about selfishness and choosing to put his comfort above yours. Yanbu to be annoyed about that.

MayISuggestSomeThickCutSteakChipsToGoWithThat · 13/08/2022 23:10

BlueKaftan · 13/08/2022 18:58

You are being unreasonable and unsupportive. I’m shocked you don’t understand that his health is more important than your holiday.

You're taking the piss yeah?

Mananna · 13/08/2022 23:16

If he's not a drama queen about anything else it seems pretty unlikely that he's being a drama queen about this one thing - how would it benefit him to exaggerate how it's making him feel?

Seems weird to me that you are doubting him if he's given you no reason to. Isn't it more likely you just can't accept that others can be badly affected by something that doesn't bother you? You haven't experienced it yourself so it can't possibly be real.

stuntbubbles · 14/08/2022 05:12

Rowthatboat · 13/08/2022 23:04

He's shown you his priorities. 1. Going to work whether or not he's hot. 2. Having a long nap because he's hot on a non-work day. 3. Communicating with you.

For most people who have to pay rent/mortgage, their bills, etc, work is the priority, what with being non-optional.

If he’s feeling horrendous in the heat, as many of us do, of course resting/a nap is a priority.

OP, YOU might think it’s cooler this evening, and YOU might think the journey to you is easy enough, but he obviously doesn’t. And you obviously think the heat is OK and he’s being a wimp; so you’re clearly not thinking about how the travel would actually feel to him. On these terribly hot days once I’ve succumbed to migraine and heat exhaustion, it doesn’t suddenly magically disappear once the temperature drops. It gets better, sure, but the fatigue is still there. You’re arguing that he should have made the effort to come and see you since you’re going away for five whole days; equally you could have taken the apparently easy 15-minute journey to him to make sure he was OK before your long and arduous holiday.

Original poster

arthurormartha · 14/08/2022 06:49

Well this seems a very even split.

Half of you think he’s lazy and entitled and the other half think I am insensitive and completely without empathy. The heat thing seems very polarising.

Having slept on this I acknowledge that maybe I can be a little impatient about people who struggle with hear and possibly I need to be more empathetic.

I still don’t think it’s an excuse to leave it until the time he was due here to cancel. I am still pretty pissed off and upset at the lack of consideration.

OP posts:

allyouneedismarmite · 14/08/2022 07:44

So it’s the fact that he cancelled at the last minute that is the real issue here? If he had responded to your message right away would you have been ok with it? Four hours is a long time to answer a message when he knew you were expecting him that evening.

crossstitchingnana · 14/08/2022 07:50

I can't cope with the heat, just not built for it. I feel tearful, uncomfortable and get dehydrated really easily. I have ended up in A and E this summer.

YABU

Original poster

arthurormartha · 14/08/2022 07:58

allyouneedismarmite · 14/08/2022 07:44

It’s really the lack of consideration and emotional intelligence, yes.

If he had let me know at 2pm that he was suffering and having second thoughts (and therefore allowed me to plan my afternoon) I would have been much more understanding.

Its the fact that he waited until absolutely the last minute to cancel when he knew I was going away. The fact that it’s heat related makes me inwardly groan but I guess that’s my problem. Ultimately it’s feeling taken for granted.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 14/08/2022 08:37

Waiting till the last minute to cancel is beyond rude.

You have every right to be very annoyed.

That is not behaviour to accept.

powergrip · 14/08/2022 09:00

I have Scleroderma. It's an autoimmune condition and I wasn't diagnosed until my 30's. Before that it began I no idea about it and thought I was also a normal healthy person. One of my symptoms is not being able to regulate my body temperate which can obviously be very dangerous. I cannot cope with the hot weather, I have lie/sit with cold wet compresses on me, sleep in the coolest part of the house, not go out unnecessarily. Last night I went out for a meal, I passed out at the table and vomited completely out of the blue, I didn't realise I was overheating and there was aircon. It's lovely to see so many comments on this thread claiming this man to be a drama Queen, an absolute tit, precious, ridiculous, fragile etc because of the way he's reacting. I was also reacting like this before my diagnosis. Would you have all said the same to me then too? Any chance to slag off a man and some posters on here go feral! Let's hope he doesn't get diagnosed with something that could cause these symptoms, further down the line.

BoredOnSaturday · 14/08/2022 09:12

I think it sounds like you are pretty hurt that you aren't more important than his discomfort about the heat. I hate the heat, it brings a lot of issues with it that just make life feel (temporarily) intolerable. Even ten minutes outdoors can bring physical symptoms, rashes. redness and the lethargy is unbelievable. my husband is the opposite and wants to be out in it at every opportunity. It's definitely a challenge! (But even he has been complaining lately actually, this year just feels like there is no break from it where we are?). I can see your partners point. I can also see yours. I think it's hard that he missed your last night together before you went away and it sounds like its cast a bit of a shadow. But I don't think it's necessarily reflective of his feelings about the relationship? Maybe try and talk before you go away? You're away for five days and that is something you should be looking forward too.

ClaryFairchild · 14/08/2022 09:14

Do you genuinely think you're compatible? Not being mean or anything, but I could not have a partner that couldn't cope with that heat - although I am living in a pretty hot part of Australia so that automatically culls a lot of people out...!!!

MrsBean88 · 14/08/2022 10:05

The only unreasonable thing here is that he left it until very last minute to tell you he wasn’t going to come. That’s out of order, he should have let you know before he went for his nap.

Not coping in the heat isn’t an issue many of us absolutely do not cope well in this heat, you don’t say where you are but here in London it was still like 30 at 9pm, it’s been stifling and unbearable the past week, I’ve felt so ill and I had to travel yesterday it was awful. I’ve always hated the summer/heat skinny and fat, young and late 30s. Fuck UK summers!

Roll on Autumn.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/08/2022 11:07

Sorry but you do come across as impatient and lacking in empathy. He doesn’t want to get a train to come and see you. I don’t know how hot it is there as I’m not in Uk, but where I live it’s often very hot and I absolutely hate it. I wouldn’t be getting a train to see anyone when it’s really hot, no way.
Could it be he’s using it as an excuse not to see you, maybe there’s more to it than just the heat.
With climate change, it’s believed that these intense very hot summers may become the norm for much of Europe, so if his aversion to heat is that much of a problem, reckon you are better off ending it and looking for someone who is more like yourself , because this issue isn’t going to go away

allyouneedismarmite · 14/08/2022 11:53

arthurormartha · 14/08/2022 07:58

It’s really the lack of consideration and emotional intelligence, yes.

If he had let me know at 2pm that he was suffering and having second thoughts (and therefore allowed me to plan my afternoon) I would have been much more understanding.

Show quote history

Does he often do things like this? As a one off I’d be annoyed but let it go (assuming you are happy in the relationship otherwise). If my partner was constantly taking hours to respond to me and changing or cancelling plans at the last minute I would be annoyed and would talk to him about it.

Thinalready · 14/08/2022 12:32

Wow your really inconsiderate and unsupportive.
If I was your boyfriend I'd be ditching you, finding someone with some compassion and understanding. He deserves better.

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