Meeting best (male) friend's new girlfriend

[TomorrowIsAnotherDay2022]

NC for this.

I'm due to meet my best friend's new girlfriend.
They've been together for about 6 months and he's told me that she's uncomfortable about our friendship. I don't think it's about me specifically (she doesn't even know me) but the fact that his best friend is a woman. He wants to bring us together to show her that there's nothing to worry about.
Apart from the obvious (no in-jokes, not too much familiarity) what do I need to think about?
I feel like I'm going to an interview.
I'm not worried about him (we're solid) but it's important for our friendship...and his future happiness... that she is comfortable around me. I want her to like me while also not seeing me as so likeable that I'm a threat. Anyone else been in this situation who can give me some wisdom?

Someone?

Ooh tough one..

Ask questions about her, what her job is, hobbies etc. Chat about mundane kind of things, like films or something. If you have a boyfriend, mention him too a few times, but don't go overboard or you'll look like you're trying to compensate too much.

we're solid

I find this a bit of an odd post.

Apart from the obvious (no in-jokes, not too much familiarity) what do I need to think about?

Do you really need guidance with this? Something feels off to me. There is something about your post that I find disingenuous.

I'm wondering if you are secretly relishing meeting her and that you quite like the fact that you are so important in his life. 'We're solid' is usually I phrase I see being said by a woman in a romantic relationship. If I'm right, then I think you know you can't share this relishing with people because you know the reaction you'll get. Your alternative to sharing the relishing bit is to share details of this encounter under some kind of faux concern about it, and squeeze out some attention that way.

@EarthSight I didn't realise that only certain posts were allowed. I thought this was a forum for finding out others' experiences (this isn't AIBU). But thanks anyway for your insight 🙄

@ILikeHotWaterBottles yes that's my strategy. I'm single which I think is part of the problem but am dating so may mention that in passing. Thanks.

Didn't say it wasn't allowed. You're free to post here, but I'm also free to post my opinion, which is not necessarily going to be flattering or one you want to hear.

My oldest friend is female. WEe’ve known each other 47 years.
i had similar problems to your friend until I met a woman who didnt care. I think she even said of course your best friends a woman

so be yourself. If she is irrationally jealous there is nothing you can really do about it but yes no in jokes stories of the time when…….

good luck!

My best friend is a man. He's had a few girlfriends like this, they all ended because they were too controlling in other ways too. When he met his wife I was nervous but as soon as I saw them together I knew she was the one, plus she is totally secure and knows that we're purely platonic and so we got on well from the outset. Having banter with a friend is not the same as flirting and she'll see that. It was the same when I met my husband, he knows that my MBF (male best friend) is just platonic.

Basically, just be yourself. If she's too insecure to handle it then it'll be a symptom of other trust issues she has, then if it comes to it your MBF will have to choose.

Thanks @Wherearemymarbles yes you're right. When I met the partner of another male friend who lives abroad and I don't see often, I was totally prepared for hostility and she was the one putting me at ease. I think the reason I'm feeling hesitant about this one is that I already know she's wary and I don't want to mess it up.

@cbatopainttheshed spot on. I just know he wants this one to work so I don't want to be a spanner in the works.

Also have had close male friends over the years, my all time best friend being male- first meetings can be awkward if you dont acknowledge it. Yes just be yourself, take an interest in her, include her in the conversation. Is it a join us for a quick drink then leave kind of thing? As a full on planned outing for the duration would feel like a date with both of you to her, if she's already a little uneasy.

Just say encouraging things about the relationship. You’re only a threat if you try to undermine them ¯\(ツ)/¯

@EarthSight absolute nonsense. Anyone whose best friend is the opposite sex will meet girlfriends/boyfriends who have trust issues so yes it can be a nerve wracking meeting because you want your friend to be happy and don't inadvertently want to be the reason for problems in their relationship. The reference to being solid just means she knows that whatever happens she won't lose her friend, but because she's his best friend, she wants to make a good impression on his new girlfriend.. nothing wrong wrong with that surely?!

Your position is curious. My best friend is a bloke. I don’t have the same angst as you with his girlfriends. Your post comes across as , you feel you are so important to him she maybe put out and you need to put her at ease, but that you’re scared, scared she’s actually more important and your position with him is at risk if she finds you lacking.

it feels like you’re desperate to maintain position and shit scared you’re about to lose it.

anyways for me, I’m not perceived as a threat,as I don’t see myself as one. You do. The question is why do you see youtself as a threat and why do you see her as one? This should be no different to meeting your female friends boyfriend, which is what it is the exact same as for me,but it’s not for you. Is it?

Why do you feel you’re so important you could be?

Problem for who? In whose head is you being single a problem.

Eh? They are best friends.

I think you might have to accept that when he meets ‘the one’, your friendship will evolve.

@Anniefrenchfry I'm not sure that 'angst' is the word I'd use but let's go with that. I made it clear in my OP that it's because I've already been told that she's 'uncomfortable' with our friendship. Wasn't that clear? Not sure where I referenced how 'important' I was, it's important to my friend that this goes well so I don't want to be the one to mess it up.

@HeddaGarbled yep I'm braced for that.

@Anniefrenchfry did you actually read the OP? The op doesn't think she's important, the MBF has told her that the new girlfriend is uncomfortable about the friendship, hence the op now being nervous and wanting to put the new girlfriend at ease. You only have to read threads on here to see how many women don't like their partners having female friends. Sad really.

How long have you been friends? Out of interest. If I were you I’d be friendly and supportive and try not to over think it. Who knows, she might even become a new friend for you!

@FantasticMax we've been friends for 5 years and this is the first person he's been serious about since we've known each other, though he's dated quite a lot (either side of Covid).

I'd acknowledge the weird situation and reassure. Frank and open. If there was any spark, something would have happened by now.

Unless there is some attraction and it's one sided (either way), in which case it's not a friendship and you have a problem.

Good luck

My really good friend's closest friend is a man, and he has a wife and children. She found it weird and was insecure initially, found it hard to believe it was truly platonic, but has coped and now has a relationship with my friend in her own right. It's taken work though.

There are so many mners who think it's impossible for men and women to have any kind of interaction, I don't think you'll get the advice you need.

I would suggest you don't try too hard. Just be yourself.