Meeting best (male) friend's new girlfriend

[TomorrowIsAnotherDay2022]

NC for this.

I'm due to meet my best friend's new girlfriend.
They've been together for about 6 months and he's told me that she's uncomfortable about our friendship. I don't think it's about me specifically (she doesn't even know me) but the fact that his best friend is a woman. He wants to bring us together to show her that there's nothing to worry about.
Apart from the obvious (no in-jokes, not too much familiarity) what do I need to think about?
I feel like I'm going to an interview.
I'm not worried about him (we're solid) but it's important for our friendship...and his future happiness... that she is comfortable around me. I want her to like me while also not seeing me as so likeable that I'm a threat. Anyone else been in this situation who can give me some wisdom?

Because it’s unfair to your current partner. If you have a partner who really, genuinely doesn’t care that’s different but that’s the minority, from what you see on this thread many of the partners ARE unhappy with it and their wishes should be respected.

@ilyx Lotd of people are unhappy with it and lots of people don’t care, as exhibited by this thread. I don’t think, based on the responses here, we can say that the latter are in the minority. And if people don’t think that men and women can be friends, they should be in relationships with people who think similarly.

However, that’s not really relevant to what I’m asking. I’m asking why you personally think it’s unfair/rude/disrespectful. What about your partner having a female friend would be those things? Why would you be unhappy? What, exactly, would be the problem?

oh, @ilyx i am far from being 'miserable and unhappy' or whatever you said.. i spent 18yrs in a marriage with a miserable, controlling shithead who spent his time telling me who i could be friends with, where i could go, who with, and when... i came out of that marriage with zero friends of my own and barely any family that spoke to me because he'd alientated me away from all of them because i was expected to 'respect' his wishes.

"putting a stop" to me having male friends he didnt like was just the beginning.

I'm now allowed to be friends with whoever the fuck i like, without someone telling me to respect their authoritae.

Any partner who tries to tell me to dump my friends will be the one getting dumped, and the world would be better for every woman/man realising that giving other people the power to dictate their interpersonal relationships is stupid.

Its a behaviour people/society should stop validating as the norm.

This. I'd also bet that the OP fancies him, and is thinking she's playing some kind of rom com long game where he eventually realises she's been right under his nose the whole time. He of course is completely aware of this.

Telling anyone who they're allowed to be friends with/spend time with just because you don't like it isn't ok

Monogamous relationships have boundaries, such as not being able to exercise bodily autonomy to have sex with who you like. If you don't like it stay single.

Female friends are normal. But it's nobody's place to deny that sometimes they're inappropriate. This can be if there was a previous sexual relationship; partner feels third wheel; late night calls; matching tattoos; flirtation; would shag the friend in the event of breakup; going on date type things alone

So controlling behaviour (you're not allowed any female friends) is wrong but having boundaries isn't. There's a distinction and it's so annoying when people's lives experiences are dismissed

This.

You don’t win any prizes for being cool, unless by cool you mean maintaining boundaries and having a realistic grip on your expectations and emotions.

Even in the declaration of being a “best friend” there is the implication of exclusivity and possession. People can get jealous of their same-sex best mates other mates, iyswim.

And to answer the OP, I have good friends of the opposite sex, very good friends, but if I hear they’re in a new relationship I leave them to it, because like any good friend of either sex in a new relationship, I imagine they will be busy writing love poems, picking wildflowers, shagging, whatever.

its not 'cool' to not feel the need tell your new boyfriend/girlfriend that they need to drop their best friend because you don't like that they're the same sex as you.

If you're so insecure in your partners ability to remain faithful, then the relationship is a non starter to begin with.

If you cannot trust your partner not to cheat on you with their friends, then why the fuck are you with them?

You can't really be saying you have no boundaries at all in a relationship? Have you seen the debate a few weeks ago about sleeping in bed with a male friend on holiday- are you quite liberal about things like that?

Fair enough if you are, but many aren't quite that trusting, if that's what you'd call it. For me, I'm more likely to put up with rubbish specifically to avoid being called controlling, probably the same for many women.

I’m not seeing where she’s said you can have no boundaries?

I have clear boundaries in my life and my relationship. Dictating my partner’s friendships isn’t something I recognise as a boundary. It’s also something I have no desire to do. This is not me being a ‘cool’ anything. I genuinely don’t care about the gender of my husband’s friends, it’s never occurred to me to care and I honestly can’t think of anyone I know who would care (including my husband).

And if I couldn’t trust my partner not to shag his friends (or anyone other than me, for that matter), I wouldn’t be with him. I certainly wouldn’t have married him.

Or she thinks he’s not-so-secretly in love with her and is just waiting to pluck up tne courage for her to tell her, and act surprised and completely unaware

@TomorrowIsAnotherDay2022

How did you get on?

@Cherchezlaspice I'm not talking about the op here now but:

Things like: a previous sexual relationship; partner feels third wheel; late night calls; matching tattoos; flirtation; would shag the friend in the event of breakup; going on date type things alone

Are the main reasons people take issue with female friends. Yes, some people outright won't have it, but a lack of boundaries is disrespectful and would make anyone feel insecure.

I think we can agree an outright ban on opposite friends is too far. But people are so quick to act like there's no reason behind it. Just silly insecure controlling woman.

For me, I was totally cool with female friends. Until I actually dated someone who had all attractive, former FWB female friends and actually experienced that firsthand. There is nothing wrong with having your own standards to be upheld.

Are you happy for your partner to sleep in bed with an female friend for the night? Are you ok with the all of things I mentioned in bold? If not, youre, no different to me or anyone else. You've just set a rule.

Flat shoes, no cleavage and neutral not red lipstick? Try to look unsexy and competitive. No touching of her boyfriend your mate?

I too have had close male friends in the past who have leaned on me heavily for counsel etc through the early stages of a relationship then my meeting of thee new woman was a source of tension for them both.

I find it pretty easy to make people feel comfortable by genuinely asking them easy Qs about them and following the threads that lead from there - where did they grow up, what do they do for income etc.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

’I'd also bet that the OP fancies him, and is thinking she's playing some kind of rom com long game where he eventually realises she's been right under his nose the whole time. He of course is completely aware of this.’

Some of you have lost the fucking plot over this.

I’m not seeing where the poster you quoted said they were fine with any of those things. She said telling someone who they can be friends with is wrong. And if you don’t trust your partner, then why be in the relationship?

Personally, I dont care about previous FWBs, I care about what their relationship is currently. However ‘partner feels like a third wheel’ and ‘flirtation’ isn’t a platonic friendship, so it’s not what is being discussed by me or the poster you originally quoted. And, like I said, if I didn’t trust my partner not to do those things, I wouldn’t be with him.

And, again, nobody is saying you cannot have boundaries or standards to be upheld. Not once has that been said.

Boundaries are about you, what you will and will not accept. You can choose not to accept any behaviour you decide doesn’t work for you. Controlling is when you seek to wield that veto over the behaviour of other people. The former is fine and healthy, imo the latter is not.

Well and truly. There is nothing in her handful of posts to suggest this, so the level of projection in these comments is a really depressing glimpse into some people’s relationships. ☹️

@Cherchezlaspice

Yeah posters on here never fail to amaze me on how controlling they are regarding friendships

The fact you know she's "uncomfortable about you" - because he TOLD you - is a massive red flag.

It's so disrespectful to her that he's running to tell you about her insecurities.

Why is that a red flag

It's helpful so the OP can understand her base position on this meeting.

Tbh I'd be more concerned my friend could even be with someone so insecure but still

Why is this a red flag?

Only my two cents but I was thinking, if I were introducing DP to a friend for the first time and DP was apprehensive, I wouldn’t tell my friend. It would be a bit weird to tell them and might put them in an awkward situation, just like the OP.

The MBF has created a problem and now the OP is worried how she’ll come across, instead of just being able to meet the girlfriend without any pressure.

At the end of the day people all have different feelings and experiences that might influence how they feel about gender opposite friendships. OP shouldn’t be made responsible for making the girlfriend feel at ease. That’s the MBF’s job.

@TootsAtOwls

I can see you point it would make you feel as the new gf more uneasy knowing the best friend which is female knowing this.

If they are genuinely " Just Friends " they she won't have anything to worry about. We all know some men and woman say this and there's more to it. Especially if they had something between them.

Some men and women can be friends. You sense if it's genuine or something more going on.

Never ceases to amaze me how inconsiderate certain people are of their partners feelings.

@ilyx You cannot assume people’s partners feel the same about their friendships as you do.

And I’ve asked you multiple times why you feel as you do and you haven’t been able to explain. Perhaps that’s something to think about? If you can’t articulate what your issue is with something, it might be useful to unpick why that is.

TBH I think it was wrong of him to share her feelings about you with you - where was the need? It's stressed you out and showed he doesn't understand privacy in a relationship.

I can share the POV as someone who is the gf in this situation. My DP had a female best friend (married, so I knew he wasn't romantically interested). I was excited to meet her initially and thought it a good sign he had platonic female friends. However she was very awkward when we met, kept cracking in jokes with him and not sharing context with me, kept pulling him aside to talk to him and generally being very possessive. I think she thought a decade long friendship meant she knew him better than any woman and had a degree of priority no gf could share. She'd keep butting into every story I had about us with one about how they had done it better sort of thing.

Anyway, her behaviour never changed. Despite me having no issues with them hanging out. And the more serious we got, the more jealous she got, and ruder she got with me. I tried everything to get to know her, to no avail, so my patience ran thin and I gave up.Think she just hated not being #1 anymore. That he wasn't just available anytime she needed him.

Eventually my bf got fed up of her behaviour and took space of his own accord. It's been 2 years since the last time she snubbed me and he's dropped her completely because her idea of friendship involved a level of control he didn't like. He tried to fix things but it seemed to him the friendship only worked when she was the #1 woman. But to him I am the priority, the person he's building a life with, and while his friends are important, he doesn't want competition for my role.

So my advice is - be friendly and welcoming. Get to know her, don't be territorial or rude. And accept that she may well become his priority as the relationship progresses. It doesn't mean he cares less about you. Just that he cares differently. And don't drag the gf into whatever anger you feel towards him, don't blame her, discuss things with him.