Page 2 | Meeting best (male) friend's new girlfriend

DatingDinosaur · 13/08/2022 00:07

From experience -

Just be yourself. She’ll already be on high-alert for deception so … just be you.

Behave how you normally behave with him. After all, he’s just a male equivalent of a female friend, right?

She will make her own mind up regardless and if you’re “not being you” then she’ll pick up on that and think there’s something to be suspicious of.

If she’s insecure anyway then nothing you do or say will stop her being insecure, so just be you.

If needs be, have a quiet word with her to put her mind at ease that you think of him as a male equivalent of your female friends / you think of him like your little brother (even if he’s older than you) / the idea of sex with him is just eeewwww / why would he parade another woman around in front of you if there was anything going on between you / you understand her concerns but they are truly unfounded / he seems really happy with her and that makes you happy for him (that he's happy).

Get that white elephant out of the room before you try to befriend her

If the topic of your singleness crops up, ask her if she knows any single guys she can introduce you to!

Accept that the dynamic between you and your friend will change.

If you’re not comfortable with that, have a think about why that is.

GreyCarpet · 13/08/2022 01:03

I've got a fair few male friends and, when I started seeing my boyfriend, I obviously introduced them. They shook his hand, said,' Good to meet you," and then chatting to him as they were the other blokes in the group. My boyfriend is now good mates too with one of them who we see most often.

And that's pretty much all there is too it.

Problems seem to arise when the opposite sex friend tries to mark their territory and enter an unspoken competition with the new girlfriend. If you're just yourself, not flirty, show equal interest in her as you do them, then the rest is up to him.really to make sure she doesn't feel left out of things.

SilverCatStripes · 13/08/2022 01:27

You’ve not really been friends for that long OP … what’s the backstory here ?

UglyNameChange · 13/08/2022 08:26

he's told me that she's uncomfortable about our friendship.

This is a orange, could be a red flag, about him.
Why is he telling you this?
And what is he telling about you to her?

There are men out there who like to triangulate women.

Very strange.
He seems off tbh.

Mummymummam · 13/08/2022 11:50

Bring positivity, maybe give her a really big hug straight away. Say how much you were looking forward to meeting her. Get your best friend to go to the bar or something and take that time to say to her that they suit really well or he's been so happy etc. just something positive about her being in his life. Find a common interest between you and her (apart from him!) a focus on that. Get to the point where regardless of him you can have a laugh. Make excuses and leave slightly before the end of the meet so that they have a chance to debrief and catch up as a couple but arrange another time to hang out so she knows you like her.

dizzyupthegirl86 · 13/08/2022 12:39

One of my best mates is a guy, we dated years ago but it didn’t work out. He’s met someone now, been with her around a year, but a few times we’ve arranged to do something, he’s told me he’s said he’s somewhere else, ie not with me.
its really frustrating because I feel like if I ever meet her (he suggested a ‘double date’ when I started seeing my boyfriend), I’m conscious he’s lied to her in the past when he’s been out with me. She’s got nothing to worry about, but knowing he’s lied to her for no reason really gets my back up for some reason!

feel your pain, OP, but I do think a lot of the responsibility is on him. If he acts like he’s hiding something, she’ll probably be on alert. It shouldn’t be on you to prove there’s nothing going on!

grayhairdontcare · 13/08/2022 13:03

Your best friends and it's taken 6 months for him to introduce you. And know he is,he's making it a big deal.
Does he usually like drama?

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 13:06

I'd advocate just being yourself

As you won't be able to keep up a facade long term.

I never understand the women so insecure they get funny about male partners having female friends but if he has chosen one of these all you can do is your best

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 13:12

grayhairdontcare · 13/08/2022 13:03

Your best friends and it's taken 6 months for him to introduce you. And know he is,he's making it a big deal.
Does he usually like drama?

Some men are worried about it

My own DH didn't introduce me to his closest female friend for *shock! 10 months.

He was convinced we wouldn't get on and wanted to delay the inevitable.

Tbh she is a little weird, but thankfully the kind of weird I quite enjoy being around. So it worked out in the end!

Cherchezlaspice · 13/08/2022 13:12

EarthSight · 12/08/2022 22:40

we're solid

I find this a bit of an odd post.

Apart from the obvious (no in-jokes, not too much familiarity) what do I need to think about?

Do you really need guidance with this? Something feels off to me. There is something about your post that I find disingenuous.

I'm wondering if you are secretly relishing meeting her and that you quite like the fact that you are so important in his life. 'We're solid' is usually I phrase I see being said by a woman in a romantic relationship. If I'm right, then I think you know you can't share this relishing with people because you know the reaction you'll get. Your alternative to sharing the relishing bit is to share details of this encounter under some kind of faux concern about it, and squeeze out some attention that way.

Are you okay?!

Cherchezlaspice · 13/08/2022 13:15

Anniefrenchfry · 12/08/2022 23:00

Your position is curious. My best friend is a bloke. I don’t have the same angst as you with his girlfriends. Your post comes across as , you feel you are so important to him she maybe put out and you need to put her at ease, but that you’re scared, scared she’s actually more important and your position with him is at risk if she finds you lacking.

it feels like you’re desperate to maintain position and shit scared you’re about to lose it.

anyways for me, I’m not perceived as a threat,as I don’t see myself as one. You do. The question is why do you see youtself as a threat and why do you see her as one? This should be no different to meeting your female friends boyfriend, which is what it is the exact same as for me,but it’s not for you. Is it?

OP is worried because ‘he's told me that she's uncomfortable about our friendship’.

It’s literally in the post.

Cherchezlaspice · 13/08/2022 13:23

You’re getting some odd comments, OP!

Honestly, just be yourself. She’ll either like you or she won’t. You can’t placate the sort of person who is instantly suspicious of male/female friendships, so hopefully she’s not that sort of person.

Scorpio8 · 13/08/2022 13:38

@TomorrowIsAnotherDay2022

I would like to know if anything romantically happened between you and him? If he or you had feelings for each other at anytime in the friendship.

If yes then she would feel uncomfortable if not she shouldn't worry about you.

If he starts putting your first and not her this she might not like. It's all about reassurance and making her feel friends is all you both are.

I won't even lie my DP female friends.. Think I felt uncomfortable with two because think he liked them both more than a friend and clicked on to it. It's what she may sense between you but be yourself.

CookPassBabtridge · 13/08/2022 19:24

Strange, strange posts from @EarthSight and @Anniefrenchfry.. really projecting. The OP says the girlfriend is uncomfortable and wants to alleviate that and not lose her friendship which was there first.
I am best friends with my ex, close friends with other men and all the women in their lives have had a problem at first, needed reassuring and then all is well.

ArtixLynx · 13/08/2022 19:37

i think its natural for her to be concerned if she's been bought up with some of the attitudes on display in a few peoples posts.. that men/women can't be friends... of course we can.. i'm bi/pan and i don't want to jump into bed with all my friends... if he were bisexual would she be concerned about a gay male bestie?

Just be yourself, if she is uncomfortable thats a her problem, and if your friend starts backing away, thats a him problem.

You don't go into a relationship to change your partner, who they're friends with and who they spend time with, if they're gonna cheat, thats on them, not you.

If she can't 'trust' your BF not to try and shag you, then she's got bigger issues than you to handle.

Palmfrond · 13/08/2022 21:10

Perhaps turn up to the rendezvous wearing clogs and smoking a cheroot. Spit on the floor ostentatiously. No, better than that, spit into a cup. Pick your nose. Fart loudly. Laugh raucously, but at him, not with him.
These should all do the trick.

Oobydo · 13/08/2022 21:51

I don't know why some people make it out like it's DEFINITELY just a platonic friendship and if someone is worried its a red flag. Of course some friendships are purely platonic. But lots aren't. It doesn't even just mean that there's attraction or feelings. Sometimes one half of the friendship just likes having a kind of boyfriend without the sex.
My partner had a female "best friend" when I met him. I was a bit wary as he admitted he used to fancy her years before and he definitely had a history of jumping when she asked. She was a fair bit younger than him (12 years) and she had zero interest in him and it was very obvious that was the case. I was not worried about her side of that in the slightest.
We all went out together for me and her to meet etc. While she was friendly it was so obvious she was trying to prove a point that she knew him better. Reminding him of endless stories they had together in a way that i couldn't join in the conversation. She tagged them both on Instagram in the pub. While walking to the station linked arms with him saying how he must come round soon and help her with some DIY and have a movie night in. I was pretty sure this relationship was not going to work due to this friendship and was preparing my exit. No ultimatums I just wanted out. But before i could he brought it up with me that she behaved so odd that night. She's apparently never tagged him on social media (he has her but she never did it back) and he said he was just so uncomfortable the whole evening. So he backed away from the friendship. She got very angry about it and spent months saying how much she missed him and inviting him to hers for Christmas Dinner (she had never done that before in all their years of friendship). We're still together 3.5 years later and other than being friends on social media the friendship died off. Its quite sad but even though she didn't want him romantically I don't think she wanted anyone else to either.

Cherchezlaspice · 13/08/2022 21:54

Oobydo · 13/08/2022 21:51

I don't know why some people make it out like it's DEFINITELY just a platonic friendship and if someone is worried its a red flag. Of course some friendships are purely platonic. But lots aren't. It doesn't even just mean that there's attraction or feelings. Sometimes one half of the friendship just likes having a kind of boyfriend without the sex.
My partner had a female "best friend" when I met him. I was a bit wary as he admitted he used to fancy her years before and he definitely had a history of jumping when she asked. She was a fair bit younger than him (12 years) and she had zero interest in him and it was very obvious that was the case. I was not worried about her side of that in the slightest.
We all went out together for me and her to meet etc. While she was friendly it was so obvious she was trying to prove a point that she knew him better. Reminding him of endless stories they had together in a way that i couldn't join in the conversation. She tagged them both on Instagram in the pub. While walking to the station linked arms with him saying how he must come round soon and help her with some DIY and have a movie night in. I was pretty sure this relationship was not going to work due to this friendship and was preparing my exit. No ultimatums I just wanted out. But before i could he brought it up with me that she behaved so odd that night. She's apparently never tagged him on social media (he has her but she never did it back) and he said he was just so uncomfortable the whole evening. So he backed away from the friendship. She got very angry about it and spent months saying how much she missed him and inviting him to hers for Christmas Dinner (she had never done that before in all their years of friendship). We're still together 3.5 years later and other than being friends on social media the friendship died off. Its quite sad but even though she didn't want him romantically I don't think she wanted anyone else to either.

What does this have to do with what the OP has asked?

curvymumma79 · 13/08/2022 22:00

You sound very thoughtful. My DH's best friend is a lady, she was his best lady at our wedding.

I love her. She's great, and very much on my side.

Hope you get on ok.

RedWingBoots · 13/08/2022 22:00

Be yourself and hope you get on with her. If you do then when they move in together, you have an excuse to go around their house to see either of them.

Apparently I upset one of my male friends when I went round to see him and complained because his the girlfriend, now wife, wasn't in. 😂

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 13/08/2022 22:28

Just be yourself and just be kind to her and talk to her mostly. Ask her has she any male friends who would be worth dating for you. Let her know you are genuinely happy that he has met someone who he really likes and take it from there.

Palmfrond · 13/08/2022 23:19

Cherchezlaspice · 13/08/2022 21:54

What does this have to do with what the OP has asked?

Show quote history

Makes a pretty salient point in my opinion. Of course men and women can be platonic friends, but best friends? I think that’s pretty rare. I think much more common is the appearance of it being mutually platonic. Usually one side is harbouring at least some sort of flame.

Cherchezlaspice · 13/08/2022 23:23

Palmfrond · 13/08/2022 23:19

Makes a pretty salient point in my opinion. Of course men and women can be platonic friends, but best friends? I think that’s pretty rare. I think much more common is the appearance of it being mutually platonic. Usually one side is harbouring at least some sort of flame.

Show quote history

Lots of men and women are very close, even best friends. If you don’t believe that, then you should have relationships with people who are similarly inclined. Best of luck.

That poster’s involved tale in no way answers the OP’s query as to how to make her friend’s girlfriend comfortable. So, no. Not a salient point.

Suprima · 13/08/2022 23:29

He’s so triangulating you, and you’re foolish to not see this.

Why else would he tell you about her worries? What benefit would there be?

except in very rare occasions- men keep female ‘best friends’ for the ego boost and to enjoy female company in a drama free manner.

christ, he’s loving this. He’s basically going on a date with both of you- showing girlfriend that he’s hot shit and keeping her on her toes, whilst you stress and attempt to maintain position

FitFat · 13/08/2022 23:30

Sounds like a headache. I woldnt bother meeting someone who disliked me for no reason. Is she a catch if she is so insecure?