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Original poster

Meeting best (male) friend's new girlfriend

99 replies

TomorrowIsAnotherDay2022 · 12/08/2022 22:08

NC for this.

I'm due to meet my best friend's new girlfriend.
They've been together for about 6 months and he's told me that she's uncomfortable about our friendship. I don't think it's about me specifically (she doesn't even know me) but the fact that his best friend is a woman. He wants to bring us together to show her that there's nothing to worry about.
Apart from the obvious (no in-jokes, not too much familiarity) what do I need to think about?
I feel like I'm going to an interview.
I'm not worried about him (we're solid) but it's important for our friendship...and his future happiness... that she is comfortable around me. I want her to like me while also not seeing me as so likeable that I'm a threat. Anyone else been in this situation who can give me some wisdom?

OP posts:
Palmfrond · 13/08/2022 23:45

Cherchezlaspice · 13/08/2022 23:23

Lots of men and women are very close, even best friends. If you don’t believe that, then you should have relationships with people who are similarly inclined. Best of luck.

That poster’s involved tale in no way answers the OP’s query as to how to make her friend’s girlfriend comfortable. So, no. Not a salient point.

Show quote history

Actually @Oobydo ’s post was addressing PPs saying that of course men and women can be besties. They can, but I t’s very rare, and in any given case they can never know the other persons true feelings. In fact I’d say it’s probably even more rare that anyone with a normal and varied social life has never been good friends with a member of the opposite sex where one or both has not secretly fancied the other, or wher at least, given the right/wrong circumstances, something might happen between them. Unless both parties are gay or asexual I can’t see how it’s not in reality the norm. Doesn’t mean anything will ever happen of course.

Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 00:34

Palmfrond · 13/08/2022 23:45

Actually @Oobydo ’s post was addressing PPs saying that of course men and women can be besties. They can, but I t’s very rare, and in any given case they can never know the other persons true feelings. In fact I’d say it’s probably even more rare that anyone with a normal and varied social life has never been good friends with a member of the opposite sex where one or both has not secretly fancied the other, or wher at least, given the right/wrong circumstances, something might happen between them. Unless both parties are gay or asexual I can’t see how it’s not in reality the norm. Doesn’t mean anything will ever happen of course.

Show quote history

Was it ‘actually’? Did she tag them? Are you she? As that’s not clear at all.

Also, if you have some empirical evidence that men and women are rarely best friends or that ‘it’s probably even more rare that anyone with a normal and varied social life has never been good friends with a member of the opposite sex where one or both has not secretly fancied the other’, I’d be delighted to see it. As those assertions bear no resemblance to my lived experience or anything I’ve observed. None.

And, again, none of this is relevant to what the OP asked.

Qwettyiiop · 14/08/2022 00:45

Show her the thread 😂

Was a joke

I'd personally prefer you actually talked about the fact you have no interest in him sexually. It should be easy to see you are genuine. If you have any deal breakers your friend isn't I would mention those and also talk about chemistry and how even though you two get along there's no chemistry

Hottimesahead · 14/08/2022 00:49

@TomorrowIsAnotherDay2022 my best friend is male. We actually became friends after briefly dating. We met OLD about 10 years ago dated for 7 weeks slept together a few times but it felt odd and stopped dating. We kept in touch as lots in common and get on well and developed a friendship. It’s much better this way. Granted odd start, but been friends for years this way with nothing happened since or will. He is now like my family.

my partner knows how we met and accepts him. He was jealous at first but sees the dynamics, and knows it’s platonic as how we are round each other.

my friends new girlfriend doesn’t see it like this. Was odd meeting her, And I understand my best friend and I did have a brief history is an unusual way to start a friendship. I made it comfortable for her by trying to find a common interest. I think it helped that after our first meeting I sent my friend a text, she is lovely and perfect for you, don’t mess this up!

Palmfrond · 14/08/2022 00:53

Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 00:34

Was it ‘actually’? Did she tag them? Are you she? As that’s not clear at all.

Also, if you have some empirical evidence that men and women are rarely best friends or that ‘it’s probably even more rare that anyone with a normal and varied social life has never been good friends with a member of the opposite sex where one or both has not secretly fancied the other’, I’d be delighted to see it. As those assertions bear no resemblance to my lived experience or anything I’ve observed. None.

And, again, none of this is relevant to what the OP asked.

Show quote history

You misunderstand the meaning of empirical, but cool, I wish you luck with your sexless circle of friends who don’t need wisdom or boundaries because nothing would or could ever happen because they have no desires, hidden or otherwise, nor genitalia, just smooth skin between their legs, like mannequins, or angels.

Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 01:14

Palmfrond · 14/08/2022 00:53

You misunderstand the meaning of empirical, but cool, I wish you luck with your sexless circle of friends who don’t need wisdom or boundaries because nothing would or could ever happen because they have no desires, hidden or otherwise, nor genitalia, just smooth skin between their legs, like mannequins, or angels.

Show quote history

Empirical: 1 : originating in or based on observation or experience empirical data. 2 : relying on experience or observation alone often without due regard for system and theory an empirical basis for the theory. 3 : capable of being verified or disproved by observation or experiment empirical laws

No, I think I understand it just fine. Do you?

And, if you think men and women being best friends requires that they be ‘sexless’ and have neither desires nor genitalia, then there is something very wrong with you. Seek help.

ilyx · 14/08/2022 01:38

Yeah would not be happy with any significant other having a female best friend. I’d put a stop to that immediately. I’m cringing so much reading women talking about accepting their best friends new girlfriend. It’s just not appropriate imo.

CookPassBabtridge · 14/08/2022 02:17

ilyx · 14/08/2022 01:38

Yeah would not be happy with any significant other having a female best friend. I’d put a stop to that immediately. I’m cringing so much reading women talking about accepting their best friends new girlfriend. It’s just not appropriate imo.

I'm cringing at your post! How insecure are you? "Put a stop to that" 😂 What a lovely person saying you'd force the end of a friendship.

ilyx · 14/08/2022 02:31

CookPassBabtridge · 14/08/2022 02:17

I'm cringing at your post! How insecure are you? "Put a stop to that" 😂 What a lovely person saying you'd force the end of a friendship.

Show quote history

It’s disrespectful and yes I am a good person because I wouldn’t do something as nasty as put my significant other in that position. I doubt you’re even in a long term relationship to be honest.

My partner would (rightly) not be happy with me being that close with another man and vice versa. It’s very normal to feel that way and jealousy is a normal emotion to feel in a relationship, unless you’re in a dead, unhappy relationship.

Lookingoutside · 14/08/2022 02:33

‘You misunderstand the meaning of empirical, but cool, I wish you luck with your sexless circle of friends who don’t need wisdom or boundaries because nothing would or could ever happen because they have no desires, hidden or otherwise, nor genitalia, just smooth skin between their legs, like mannequins, or angels.’

WTF?! 😂😂😂

Is this thread ok?

CookPassBabtridge · 14/08/2022 02:41

@ilyx My last relationship was 14 years thankyou, and certainly wasn't dead. It's about trust. If you don't have that and have to restrict your partners friendships then what a sad way to live.

ilyx · 14/08/2022 02:53

CookPassBabtridge · 14/08/2022 02:41

@ilyx My last relationship was 14 years thankyou, and certainly wasn't dead. It's about trust. If you don't have that and have to restrict your partners friendships then what a sad way to live.

It’s nothing to do with “trust” I just wouldn’t want my partner being that close with someone of the opposite sex and my partner would feel the same. Its a perfectly NORMAL reaction. Why do you think so many of the “best friends” partners had an issue with it on this thread?! It’s because it’s disrespectful.

Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 02:53

@ilyx In what way is it disrespectful?

2u2me2me2u · 14/08/2022 07:26

I had a male best friend for years, never anything romantic between us, just great mates, his gf didn’t mind at all, her and I got on well.

Then they split up and down the line he met someone else, she never accepted me and he eventually dumped me, literally ghosted me, I was devastated, I still miss him years down the line.

I’d say OP just reassure her that there’s nothing between you two and if there was, she’d never have come into the picture, fingers crossed though, as I feel you’re already on the back foot with her, unfortunately.

LondonLovie · 14/08/2022 07:36

I have been here! My bestie is my male school friend. I have got on with his GFs in the past and two have disliked me because I'm a girl and they didn't like it.

I can only advise that it's their issue to deal with, not yours. All you can do, is go there, meet her and be yourself. I would keep the meeting to a couple of hours, no more for the first time. Don't follow it up with any suggestions of 121 time with her yet. You'll need a few gentle meetings like this if she feels this uncomfortable & just take it step by step. But you can only be you,

liveforsummer · 14/08/2022 07:58

How did it go OP?

Forgotthebins · 14/08/2022 09:18

I would worry less what she thinks about you, and more what you think about her as a potential new friend for yourself. If you two have no basis for an independent friendship, it’s going to be hard to stay besties with your MBF if she becomes permanent. You don’t have to be besties too, but at least positive about each other, on good terms.

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 09:19

Forgotthebins · 14/08/2022 09:18

I would worry less what she thinks about you, and more what you think about her as a potential new friend for yourself. If you two have no basis for an independent friendship, it’s going to be hard to stay besties with your MBF if she becomes permanent. You don’t have to be besties too, but at least positive about each other, on good terms.

Why would they need to be friends independently?

I'm not friends with the partners of all my friends

djdkdkddkek · 14/08/2022 09:20

EarthSight · 12/08/2022 22:40

we're solid

I find this a bit of an odd post.

Apart from the obvious (no in-jokes, not too much familiarity) what do I need to think about?

Do you really need guidance with this? Something feels off to me. There is something about your post that I find disingenuous.

I'm wondering if you are secretly relishing meeting her and that you quite like the fact that you are so important in his life. 'We're solid' is usually I phrase I see being said by a woman in a romantic relationship. If I'm right, then I think you know you can't share this relishing with people because you know the reaction you'll get. Your alternative to sharing the relishing bit is to share details of this encounter under some kind of faux concern about it, and squeeze out some attention that way.

Agreed I got the same vibe
“I need to show her how cool and normal and just fun loving, relatable girl. Obviously she’ll feel second best but I can’t help being me!”

GreyCarpet · 14/08/2022 09:39

Qwettyiiop · 14/08/2022 00:45

Show her the thread 😂

Was a joke

I'd personally prefer you actually talked about the fact you have no interest in him sexually. It should be easy to see you are genuine. If you have any deal breakers your friend isn't I would mention those and also talk about chemistry and how even though you two get along there's no chemistry

I'd find that really atronising, tbh.

I'd rather the friend behaved respectfully towards me and showed they expected my new boyfriend - no flirting or territory marking.

Someone I didn't know effectively saying,"I don't want him so, it's ok, you can have him," would get my back up immediately.

ArtixLynx · 14/08/2022 10:24

ilyx · 14/08/2022 01:38

Yeah would not be happy with any significant other having a female best friend. I’d put a stop to that immediately. I’m cringing so much reading women talking about accepting their best friends new girlfriend. It’s just not appropriate imo.

You should get therapy to address your dysfunctional controlling behaviour.

It is NOT ok to tell your partner who they can and cannot be friends with, and 'putting a stop' to a friendship you don't approve of is massive red flag behaviour.

I hope your partner cottons on and leaves you.

ilyx · 14/08/2022 10:48

This reply has been deleted

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ilyx · 14/08/2022 10:51

@ArtixLynx

The fact that SO many people have said that their “best friends” partner had a huge issue with it and it made them feel uncomfortable should tell you that it’s not appropriate and not fair on the new partner.

Cherchezlaspice · 14/08/2022 10:51

@ilyx I’ll ask again, why is it disrespectful and inappropriate in your eyes? Is this something you are able to calmly explain? As all you’re currently doing is hectoring.

ArtixLynx · 14/08/2022 10:59

ilyx · 14/08/2022 10:51

@ArtixLynx

The fact that SO many people have said that their “best friends” partner had a huge issue with it and it made them feel uncomfortable should tell you that it’s not appropriate and not fair on the new partner.

No, what it tells me is society currently normalises controlling behaviour.

Telling anyone who they're allowed to be friends with/spend time with just because you don't like it isn't ok.