Do I message her?

[WTFNowPeople]

NC

I’ve just found a messaging app on my DH old phone. I was doing some admin for his business, forwarding a website link from it to my iPad via airdrop and I saw an icon I didn’t recognise next to a woman’s photo. So I went on the app and there’s a conversation thread going back to April 2021! Nothing sexual, but definitely flirty on both sides. In the 30 years we’ve been together, since mobiles became a thing I’ve never checked his phone. She lives in Luxembourg and we’re in the UK. I’ve just found her on Facebook and randomly liked some of her pictures so she will get a notification with my name on. I don’t know her circumstances (married, single) and for me DH is completely out of order. My gut reaction is to add a message onto the thread introducing myself and our adult DC then they both know what I have found. I don’t know how to deal with this, I thought we were happy.

Don't do that. Remain composed. Ask him.

The person you need to address this with is your DH, not this woman. I would not add anything to her FB feed at this time.

I would take screenshots of their conversation before it gets deleted.

Don't play games. Talk to your husband.

Keep the high ground.

What do you want to come of this? Do you want to stay together? Does it warrant a break up?

I think before creating too much drama you need to talk to him. You will then have a better understanding of what's gone on/his reaction. You can then decide what to do.

Sit on it, see how you feel.

Have they stopped communicating now or is it going?

I just got his old phone to take some pictures of the conversations and right at the bottom she’s commented that I’ve liked an old post (it was to do with her business) he’s asked what post. It was a couple of years old. I can explain it away by saying I searched the item and as it’s a friend of a friend it came up. I don’t honestly know how I feel at the moment apart from angry with him. We’ve had a lot of extended family and work issues to deal with and we’ve been such a solid team to overcome everything so I’m shell shocked.

Look he's strayed to a degree, indulging in a fantasy, and you have every right to be angry. Either work through the issues with your husband or leave. But don't cheapen yourself by starting a spat with the other woman.

So he having a harmless little flirty chat with someone in another country, to be honest, so what?

how you feel if your partner policed your conversations and started saying you can’t speak to this person or you cannot say that thing, if he had lots of family stuff to deal with ( your family?), why should he not have a little something to himself?

@Joey69
So you'd be completely fine with your partner texting/flirting with someone else secretly for over a year. Just a shrug of shoulders and carry on with it from you then eh?

Because he's in a committed relationship. When you make a commitment to one person, you stop having 'little somethings' to yourself with other people.

It's really not complicated.

@Butterfly44 if it didn’t directly affect my relationship why would I be worried about it ?, some people are so paranoid that the slightest thing that forgot that everyone is an adult.
Do you have your partner proof read every message you send or every conversation you have to ensure that he/she is not offended, of course not, because you are an adult and understand the basics of being one

Straight out out the cancel culture playbook, I don’t like it, therefore it’s wrong, irrespective of what other people might think

@Joey69

Relationships aren't 'irrespective of what the other person might think'. When a person is in a committed monogamous relationship, it's perfectly reasonable for their partner not to like their flirting.

You're doing what you're accusing me of doing (I'm not actually doing it though). You're saying 'I think it's right, therefore it's right, irrespective of what other people might think'. You don't get to decide what's ok and not ok in OP's relationship. OP does, and she's not happy, irrespective of what you might think. Your opinion that his behaviour is ok is irrelevant. It's not ok with OP, and it's her relationship, so it's not ok.

Most people in committed relationships don't have flirty text chats with other people. Would you really not have a problem with your partner doing this?

@Ginger1982 in what material way would it affect me or my relationship if my partner was having a flirty chat with someone, my partner works in sales for all know they have flirty chats all day long, I don’t quiz them at all.

@Watchkeys

”Your opinion that his behaviour is ok is irrelevant.”

by your own logic what you say is also irrelevant, as you are not the OP either, why is why you happen to believe , more or less relevant than what I believe

We’ve talked at length about this and DH has acknowledged that he’s been a twat! Turns out she’s someone he met age 14/15 on a scout camp and she found him on Facebook. He has shown me the initial emails they sent each telling the other about their families and lives. DH wrote such lovely things about our life together. He tells me that the flirty chat was just banter and understands why I was upset and angry and acknowledged that had roles been reversed he wouldn’t have liked it at all. We’re all good. Thank you for your comments they’ve been very helpful.

Fantastic glad it is all sorted. X

Absolutely ignore this ridiculousness OP.

It is a betrayal. Even if it's not a shag or a full blown affair. He's been sending flirty messages to another woman and hiding them from you. They both obviously know it's wrong too as they are now panicking about you liking her post.

If he needs a little something to himself he can get a fucking hobby. Not chatting up women who aren't his wife.

If you know for sure the other doesn't mind, then I agree with your comments. However, if they don't then it's not on.
Personally, I think the default should err on the side of caution with strangers and no flirting with those in relationships. There's no need to reciprocate either if an attempt is made.

Having something for oneself is a hobby not chatting other women up.😂

That's right. It's OP's view that OP needs to respect, not my view or your view. She feels that it's not ok, so it's not ok for her.

Glad you understand now!

Glad you understand now!

what did you qualify in ? How to patronise people

Glad your husband has been forthcoming and open and it's all sorted, OP

Yes, sweetie pie.

I find it really surprising that anyone thinks flirting with someone behind a spouses's back is ok.

And as PP's have said, even if a few people are ok with their partner doing that, that doesn't make it ok in most people's relationships, as there's a default understanding that people in a relationships don't do this. They made vows and for most people it'd be assumed that includes not flirting with other people.

😂 you are funny ( and patronising).