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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being called the C word

78 replies

Olivasand · 12/08/2022 09:34

So yesterday during an argument I heard my fiance call me a stupid C*, I asked him why he called me this but he just told me to F off. I just went to bed but I am so hurt. I don't know what he feels for me anymore.

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 12/08/2022 09:35

Hopefully he is no longer your fiancé as of this morning.

35965a · 12/08/2022 09:36

Please do not marry anyone who calls you a cunt. Do not do that to yourself.

Speechdelaymamma · 12/08/2022 09:40

It’s not acceptable but some people were raised in chaotic verbally abusive environments and therefore swearing at one another isn’t abnormal or significant. If you don’t want to accept it, talk to him about it to understand where that came from.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2022 09:43

He should not be your fiance any longer. This is likely how he will behave if you marry him.

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 09:45

I don't know what he feels for me anymore

Do you think that people who respect each other call each other 'cunt' and tell each other to fuck off?

Cheminaufaules · 12/08/2022 10:02

Sounds like he has anger management issues.

SwordToFlamethrower · 12/08/2022 10:06

Deal breaker 100%

ItWasJustifiedHeWasACunt · 12/08/2022 10:15

I wouldn't care less about being called a cunt (my username probably confirms this) just as I wouldn't care about being called a twat, bitch etc as long as the relationship was overall good and it was just an argument. They're just words said in anger and I use foul language myself. I would however have a massive issue with being called stupid.

Olivasand · 12/08/2022 10:25

Yes it's strange that I am more offended by being called a C rather than stupid.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/08/2022 10:26

Don’t marry someone who will call you names and tell you to fuck off

Olivasand · 12/08/2022 10:30

Maybe because I was brought up in a very verbally abusive environment where my mum would regularly call me the most hurrendous names, is possibly why I am not saying right that's enough it's over.??

OP posts:
Sapphirensteel · 12/08/2022 10:54

He should now be your ex fiancé. If he’s like this now, disrespectful and verbally abusive, he’s not going to improve with marriage and possibly children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2022 10:55

"Maybe because I was brought up in a very verbally abusive environment where my mum would regularly call me the most hurrendous names, is possibly why I am not saying right that's enough it's over.??"

Possibly yes. The abuse you suffered here was not your fault, that all lies with your mother.

You do not mention your father here; is he still around?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you here. Now you're being verbally abused by your now fiance and he sounds very similar to your abusive mother. Your boundaries, already skewed by childhood abuse at the hands of your mother, are being further got at and otherwise eroded by this man now. This is likely why you're not now saying to yourself that its over.

This is not what you deserve from a relationship.

I sincerely hope you do not contact your mother these days.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is NONE. She let you down here abjectly as a child and now your fiance is behaving similarly.

Do not further act as some sort of rehab centre to such a badly raised man. I would also think he does not have anger management issues because this treatment he metes out is for you and you alone. He does not treat work colleagues like this does he and he's probably also quite plausible to those in the outside world. Also anger management is no answer to domestic abuse which is also what this is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2022 10:56

NAPAC are also worth contacting here re your childhood.

I have attached a link

napac.org.uk/

RainbowsMoonbeams · 12/08/2022 11:03

Horrible 😞

At least he isn’t waiting until after you marry to show his true colours. If you stay, you are accepting this behaviour. Don’t put up with it.

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 11:18

Olivasand · 12/08/2022 10:30

Maybe because I was brought up in a very verbally abusive environment where my mum would regularly call me the most hurrendous names, is possibly why I am not saying right that's enough it's over.??

Comfort zones aren't always comfortable. They'd be better called 'Familiarity zones'.

You're in a familiarity zone with your partner. Your relationship is reflecting to you the training you've had from your mum on what love looks like. But she trained you badly. The way he treats you isn't what love looks like. It's what abuse looks like.

Get away from him, and retrain yourself so that you recognise love, and all the things it isn't.

yellowsmileyface · 12/08/2022 11:33

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is NONE

This 100%. Abusers often minimise verbal abuse as just having been in the heat of the moment, or "not that bad" because it isn't physical violence. But it is abuse, plain and simple. It's bad enough on it's own, but it's also a common initial descent into more damaging forms of abuse.

Abusers tend to gradually show their true colors when a strong sense of commitment has been established, such as with engagement. Things are likely to get much worse if you were to marry, and it would be much harder to leave then.

Xztop · 12/08/2022 11:44

Does he use that word a lot? Some people throw it around so it becomes meaningless if that makes sense?

lurker1836956 · 12/08/2022 12:02

My ex used to call me a c*, I tried to minimise it as 'not that bad'. The relationship ended when she threw things at me and I had to get her removed from my home.

Walk away. It won't get better.

Spohn · 12/08/2022 12:05

I don't know what he feels for me anymore.

Sure you do. He told you. He thinks you’re a stupid cunt. Obviously dump him, avoid scum in future. There’s no reason to date scum.

19Bears · 12/08/2022 12:15

Horrible man. Do not marry him. It was bad enough when my then fiance called someone else (female bar staff) that word, never mind me. You deserve far far better than this OP.

Olivasand · 12/08/2022 12:20

Thank you for your message and no my dad is not around, he passed away over twenty years ago but he was not much better.
I will look at the link you have sent me.

OP posts:
Olivasand · 12/08/2022 12:22

No he never uses the word. But regularly tells me to F* off.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 12:22

Xztop · 12/08/2022 11:44

Does he use that word a lot? Some people throw it around so it becomes meaningless if that makes sense?

It becomes meaningless to the person who says it. It has hurt OP, so it's not meaningless to her, and that's what's relevant here.

Wonnle · 12/08/2022 12:27

Nothing worse than being called a Clive !