Being called the C word

[Olivasand]

So yesterday during an argument I heard my fiance call me a stupid C*, I asked him why he called me this but he just told me to F off. I just went to bed but I am so hurt. I don't know what he feels for me anymore.

Please do not put up with this. My ex used to do this to me, mostly when he'd been drinking. It never happened until after we were married, and I had told him many times while we were dating that I consider that word very hurtful.

He only ever apologised once and then a few days later he changed his tune to say I had pushed him to behave that way. It only got worse as time went on and at one point he actually said out loud that now that we were married he could do what he wanted because it's not like I would ever leave (joke's on him!). Be thankful that your fiance has shown you who he is now, before you end up marrying someone who doesn't deserve you.

I too grew up in a household where verbal abuse was normal. The penny didn't drop for me until I was visiting my in-laws and BIL called his wife (who wasn't there) a bitch in front of everyone, included his parents. I was shocked but realised no one had even batted an eye. It was clear that speaking about your spouse this way was acceptable in this family so I knew he would never change.

I also started to think back to some stories he told me about his exes when we were first dating. Justifying terrible behaviour by saying they were unreasonable, crazy, etc. A few years older and wiser I realised he was probably twisting these stories in the same way he justified his behaviour towards me, and that 10+ years after dating these women he still hadn't grown up.

If you think about it OP, I bet there is more than just him calling you a c*nt or telling you to fuck off. Those alone are reason enough to leave (and are emotional/verbal abuse) but I'm sure there is more. Is he dismissive of your feelings/concerns in other areas of your relationship or put you down?

It was a really hard decision to leave my marriage, but I have since met the most wonderful man who is supportive, kind, generous and would never speak to me the way my ex did. I tear up thinking about him sometimes because I never thought I would find someone who made me feel so loved. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. No this isn't the first time, he has totally disrespected me in front of his friends before and I sat through it. He never apologises, in fact I have to try and do the making up for him.
I think I am so afraid of being on my own again and the thought of being without him is upsetting even with the bad behaviour. I just see it as though he is still with me. And I settle for it.

If you stay with him you will think back to this stage in 5 years time and heavily regret not leaving.

It won't get any easier to leave. This is the easiest time to do it. So if you don't leave now, you're either committing yourself to being treated like this forever, or you're hoping it'll get worse to give you enough reason to leave.

You deserve to be respected. Please don't have kids with this man.

Especially if you have confided that. Even now with a long marriage I would not be happy with being called that or told to F off.

Respect is the key

I would think your mother has never apologised either.

Do not settle for such a man in life because your life with him going forward will be miserable. Your parents have an awful lot to answer for because they between them set you up to accept being abused in adulthood. No one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is and you still do not know. What you describe re your fiancé is not a healthy relationship at all.

so I ask you how can you be helped into leaving your abuser. Better to be on your own than to be with someone like this man. Being single is not bad so what frightens you about being in your own?. You are pretty much alone in this relationship now because he does not love nor respects you.

Yes he knows about how bab my childhood was, I have explained it to him. I have also been told by him that I depend on him too much for company and that I clearly have no friends. I do have friends, I have just focused on our relationship which only started a little over a year ago.

No my mum has never apologised. I do not see her as she made her feelings very clear even into adulthood. It feels almost as though my childhood was so bad at times that I am destined to be treated this way. Like why does my fiance think its acceptable to speak to me like he does? Just the same as my mum.

Why are you afraid of being on your own? Do you live together and whose house is it?

I rent my home in which he stays pretty much all the time and has keys. But I was married before and when that ended I was on my own for four years. The partner I now have has given us some good times and it would be really difficult for me to not have him around me. When things are going well its great. But I feel like it's a relationship where I am trying to hold on to something that just keeps pulling away.

Depends on the person a grim as this sounds the C word has been downgraded and A lot of people us it in everyday conversations
and to them the C word is not on a different level of offensiveness

Defuend things. You deserve better. It will never improve and it may get worse.

Can he go back to his own home and stay there while you have time to yourself.

Forget about his behaviour.
Someone so awful cannot be fixed.

Focus on yourself.
Why you think being abused is better than being alone?

Because if not today, this year, this decade, eventually the penny drops that NOPE, being abused is NOT better than being alone.

Unfortunately for a lot of MN women it does take years and years to finally realise that they have wasted their youth on a truly awful man whom has never cared for them.

Invariably they have children who have been dragged up in this environment and will carry the scars forever.

You are at a fork road.

You can accept this is your life until the penny drops.

Or you can be brave and choose YOU and a better life ahead.

I hope you will be brave.
You deserve a good life where you are treated well.

Don't marry him he's disrespectful.
When he speaks to you in future call him cunt face., yes cunt face no cunt face, see how he likes it. X

You said it yourself, you are trying to hold onto something, let go.
Everything happens for a reason, there is someone better waiting for you. X

My ex used to call me the c word and tell me go to F off regularly - it gradually got more frequent and he’d laugh when I got upset. Never apologised.

Now I’ve met the most amazing boyfriend who’s horrified that another male could use such language. I wish I’d left earlier and realised how abusive this language is and how it really wore my confidence down over time. You deserve so much better, it is hard but it’s so much better than staying with an abuser because of the unknown

Even when he is sober, he says he is right to call me a C*. I have questioned it again today and said he will call me it again if I don't respect his needs for him having his time on his own or with his mates. I am one of the most placid person you can ever meet.

Silver lining- he is your fiancé not husband, as that's much easier to dispose of.

You don't marry a man who speaks to you like that. You walk away from any man who speaks to you like that.

Thank you for your message. I know you are right, but I just hold on to the shreds of hope that he might change and maybe we can go out one evening where I have looked forward to going out after a hard shift at work when he doesn't actually start on me at the table.

Are you saying that you are prepared to be abused by him because you live in hope of a pleasant evening?

God help you.

If you insist on staying with him, please don't bring a precious child into such a clearly abusive toxic environment.

Children reared among abuse like the type you describe bear terrible scars from their childhood.

If you choose to stay, that is your choice.

But don't inflict your life on a child who will have no choice and have such an awful man forced upon them.

Men like your scummy partner make the the most awful fathers.

Good luck.

No we would not be having children together. We both have children from past relationships who are now grown up. I was brought up in a very toxic environment myself.

Thank goodness for that.

You deserve better.

What about some counselling to try and help you see how awful he is?

Your past doesn't have to be your future.
You get to choose.

Yes I have thought about this, and think it may be useful. Just the fact of only a year in and I am needing counselling should be telling me something.

You will have nothing but misery and regret if you marry this bad. Break the cycle of abuse, op. Get rid of him.

Listen to @billy1966 . I left my fiancé last year due to similar behaviour, he would call me a cunt too and with the amazing support I received on these boards (From @billy1966 particularly) I had the strength to leave. I’ve not regretted it for a second and now love my calm, chaos free life. Please please leave, you deserve so much better than this.