Being called the C word

[Olivasand]

So yesterday during an argument I heard my fiance call me a stupid C*, I asked him why he called me this but he just told me to F off. I just went to bed but I am so hurt. I don't know what he feels for me anymore.

Yes my life feels very chaotic. Thank you all for your supportive messages.

Seriously when I think about this happening to me, I would end things.
To some it might seem minor and not something to end a relationship over, but I wouldn't find him attractive or like him again if he ever spoke to me that way

And I completely understand where you are coming from but my confidence and self esteem is zero at the moment so you start to believe the bad stuff.

@Olivasand please don’t believe what he says. You are not stupid nor a “C U next Tuesday”.
Listen to some self esteem affirmations on YouTube and realise you are beautiful and amazing and deserve more than his cruel words
wishing you all the best 😊

No -one has to take this shit- it does not matter what his reasons are- get rid of him. A partner should enhance your life- it should be better with him present- if it is not get rid. I had a friend who always had very difficult relationships. He once said ' a relationship is a battle- if it is hard it means you love each other more' and everyone has to get through all the bad times.
Nope- it is not always like that! You may not have a lot of 'bad times' - it does not make your relationship any less strong if you get on well and are not in constant trauma.

Thank you, yes I used to do this before I met him following my divorce from my previous husband. But I think the crueler his words and actions became, the more I let it grind me down. I think my mind was thinking this isn't normal behaviour but something else was telling me that maybe he was right. Horrible feeling being so vulnerable.

Well done. That can't have been easy, but your life now will never need to be be living in a shadow of fear of that man

maybe we can go out one evening where I have looked forward to going out after a hard shift at work when he doesn't actually start on me at the table

I can relate this this. My abusive ex would always start arguments when we went out for dinner or drinks. Then it would somehow be my fault, he'd twist things so that I was the one always starting it, when in fact I was the one always trying to keep the peace.

It got to the point that all things that should be something to look forward to became something to dread. In fact, the more a certain plan should evoke excitement and enthusiasm, the deeper the sense of dread. It was a horrible way to live and that was one of things that made me realise things really weren't right.

You need to be your own best friend here and leave him OP.

If my DH called me a cut that would be the last day he saw me.

Marry him and his behaviour will escalate tenfold. Time to stop the cycle of abuse you are right in the middle of.

It’ll only get worse, he’s testing you to see how much you’ll put up with.
It will get physical at some point, if you do stay with him please don’t have children.

Why are you hoping for him to change when he has told you he won’t and he believes he has the right to call you names again in the future? What a horrible man you have chosen to be with.

Empathy here OP in buckets. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and the C word makes me very anxious as it brings back so many bad memories. I've told my partner about my childhood.

I wonder if when we tell partners about what we have suffered it's a green light for them to see what they can get away with, as we've already seen and suffered so much. My partner, when I challenged his behaviour would say ' I'm better than your Dad' which wasn't hard as he used to get drunk and beat my mum up in front of us.

You may be trauma bonded, so you've chosen somebody who can keep you in that cycle. Maybe you don't think you deserve better? It's not your fault though! Look at this book called 'reinventing your life the breakthrough programme to end negative behaviour and feel great again' by Jeffrey E Young which talks about how we get into patterns of behaviour from our experiences in childhood.

Your partner is setting you up for how he will treat you now and this will be your future. Oh and ship him out of your home, get the keys back. I bet he is practically living off you.

You can do this. 💐👍

Good morning Riverskater, absolutely everything you said is true. Yes my mum called me a C many times. And he knows this. I have told him how that word makes me feel but he still justifies himself. Thank you very much for the book recommendation ❤️

It's such a vicious word. 😔. I bought the book second hand by the way.
I don't tell my partner stuff that he can use against me. Yes I need to get out too.
Work on yourself and your self esteem and setting up boundaries. I also use tapping therapy which you might want to look into.

Ugh, I've been where you are, OP. I absolutely know that feeling of "maybe if I just work harder, or stop doing X, or try Y we will get back to the good times when he used to like me". The truth is there is nothing you can do, no magic words you can say, and no behaviour change on your part that will stop him saying and doing these nasty things. Only he can do that and the truth is he doesn't want to. He likes that you are "below him". I remember the humiliating things he used to say about me to his friends, right in front of me. Once I showed up to the pub wearing a top that he didn't like ("you know I hate that band, you're just trying to embarrass me") so he poured a drink over my arm. And not in an accidental oops kind of way, in front of everyone he just tipped it over me. I laughed it off. And I still didn't leave because it "wasn't real abuse". The thing that made me realise I had to get out was that I started dreading the thought of still dealing with the same things in a years time, 5yrs time, 10yrs time. I knew I couldn't put up with it anymore. I also come from a dysfunctional family where I grew up with a lot of shouting, name calling, nasty digs from my parents, and like you, I just thought it was normal. I thought it was on me to stop the boat from rocking in any relationship because that is what my parents had expected from me. Luckily I got out before marriage or kids and I regularly thank my lucky stars! I stayed single for a decade because I recognised that I was making poor decisions and I was terrified to make the same mistake again. It was lonely for sure, but I can honestly say it wasn't as lonely as being completely alone in a terrible relationship. Now I am with a lovely person who would never dream of treating me in such a way. We have 2 kids and he is the kind of dad to them that I never had. I'm glad I chose me. Please choose you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. And I am sorry to hear what you have also been through during your childhood. I have never spoken to or met anyone who went through the same experience. I think what Riverskater says sounds accurate about trauma bonded. You grow up in a very dysfunctional environment and it becomes what you are used to albeit makes you feel so unhappy.

No we would not be having children. Both of us have children who are now grown up. But yes I agree that he has been testing me and knows he can now speak to me so badly that I know that the moment I start trying to stick up for myself, he will either get up and leave me if we are out or go out and get very drunk.

Great post.

It is worth noting how often abusive men use confidences you have shared against the women they abuse.

Huge red flags.

What a fantastic post from @Eatingjumper - I found it very moving. I hope it inspires you to do the same, @Olivasand .

It very much reminds me sometimes about a girl who used to bully me in primary school. I used to buy her sweets to try and get her to stop.

And now when my fiance starts on me, especially when he is drunk with the name calling and him telling me that I have no friends, I try and say things like "Yes I know your completely right, and I will make more effort to change". Just to try and diffuse the situation which is usually in front of people when we're out and at a volume people can hear. It's quite humiliating.

Yuk, what an absolute turn off, l would get rid, no place for toxic people in my world.

A mere year and he's already calling you this. Imagine your life in another 5 or 10 years with this awful man.

Excellent post by @Eatingjumper.

Cmon, you know he has to go.

I quite agree, why on earth did he do that when talking to someone else about you? He sounds vile and quite honestly I don't understand why you are engaged to be married to someone who not only talks negatively to people about you but uses vile words. That does not spell a happy future to me.

For goodness sakes, let him leave you or better still, kick him out. You do not need this man, please build up your self respect, you can do better or even better on your own! Sooner or later your children, and his, will hear him say such things; what kind of a role model is he to them? The fact that he does it in public (he obviously likes an audience), and when drunk is a huge red flag.

Please get rid.

PS I note your children are grown up but presumably they are still around sometimes. Can you imagine your mother being with a man who got drunk and verbally abused her? You'd be horrified.

LTB before you tie the knot.