Miserable/negative husband- anyone else in this boat?

[shouldidivorcehim]

Name changed for this but I have a real dilemma.

Been married 17 years, 2 kids in their early teens. I feel like my husband is the most negative man on the planet. When we first met, he was positive, dynamic, caring and fun. I honestly dont know what happened to him but for years now he's been critical, negative and moany about literally everything. He complains constantly- 24/7, everything is inefficient and wrong. Its got to the point where I literally dread weekends because I cannot stand being around his constant negativity and complaining. We havent had a holiday in 10 years because nothing is ever up to his standards and according to him its a "waste of money" and the resorts are "laughing at him" for spending his well earned money on their substandard holidays. Some other examples: If anyone ever invites us out for a meal he complains about having to go, then on the way home in the car will moan about how the meal they cooked for us was frozen and it didnt taste how it should have and basically point out every flaw and things they should have done but didnt (no mention ever of how kind they were to invite us or do something nice for us). I was recently given a free ticket to a comedy night out and meal at a fancy hotel so we went. I dont know why I even bothered, for 2 weeks after all I heard was his criticisms of the night out, how the meal was substandard, the comedians werent as funny as they should be and all the things the hotel needed to improve. All he ever wants to do at weekends is clean the kitchen, then play x box, or watch tv all weekend. Never wants to go out anywhere or do anything. Our lives have become this horrible joyless treadmill of chores and sitting on the sofa.

I dont know if I can stand this any longer. He isnt depressed according to him and even if he was, he refuses to talk to anyone about it because typically he says, "counselling is a waste of money- I'm not paying a stranger to listen to my private thoughts" etc etc I honestly dont know what to do- the kids have noticed it as well and often make comments about how negative he is. Recently, I've been thinking about divorcing him because the thought of this being my life for the next 20-30 years makes me want to sob. I am at my wits end.

Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? thanks.

My dh, 63, has this tendency and I think it's got worse as a combination of aging and device addiction. It's a sad fact that almost all my friends say their dh have got grumpier as they have aged.
I do talk to my dh openly and say your negativity is really hard to live with and he does try but slips back. My dh also corrects me or says I'm wrong all the time, all the time 😔It's very wearing but he does try and stop when I point it out.
The device addiction is harder. Currently my dh is obsessed with motorbike videos on YouTube previously its been a game on Xbox, watch reviews, expensive fountain pens etc etc. I genuinely think my company, our friends company, gardening, eating nothing enthralls him like his devices and I can't compete I just have to time my interventions for when he's starting to get a bit bored or frustrated. He's much nicer without devices. The only thing he'll happily put down his devices for is the grandchildren.
I sometimes say we have two houses give our tenants notice and go live on yours and we can spend 1 night a week together and you can have 6 nights with your phone/xbox and I can have a life without being a 63 year old snack bitch. That usually improves things for a while

Mine was got somewhat like that as he aged - bereavement and alcohol abuse had a lot to do with it. And no, nothing was ever good enough. If you'd heard him talk about our DDs, you'd have thought they were a pair of dreadful juvenile delinquents - nothing could have been further from the truth.

What did I do? I tried to support him, but in the end the alcohol became such a problem that I divorced him, though he died before the divorce came through.

And yours sounds much worse. A total fun sponge. I'd walk away and enjoy your life with your teens while you still can. He may be depressed, but it's his choice not to address that and therefore his responsibility.

I relate to this completely. He also drinks alcohol every night. He doesnt get drunk but he cannot seem to go a night without beer. He lost his dad a year ago and I get how upsetting that was for him, but I have also lost BOTH my parents and I didnt take it out on him when that happened. We are blessed in so many ways but he seems to have this victim complex that life is so awful for us when it absolutely isnt. Its like he goes around searching for negative things to justify his mood. I'm sorry you went through that too Pointy. He is the same with our kids- if they forget to complete a chore you'd think it was the worst thing ever and he reacts as if they are the worst behaved kids in the world when they arent- they are doing amazingly at school and are polite and kind and I'm immensely proud of them. But of course, the good school work gets a begrudging "well done" whilst minor things they forget get weeks and weeks of castigating. Its just not right.

And in answer to your username, yes you should divorce him. Your teens too will leave home one day and far sooner too if you all remain under the same roof. This is unsustainable and your kids likely feel that whatever they do is not good enough. Its a very damaging environment for them to be living in.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not. If you were to stay with him in the longer term your then adult children would not want to see either of you in this house very often if at all.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Is this really the role model you want to be showing your children about relationships?. What are they learning here from you two?. Its likely he has an alcohol dependency issue and they usually further proceed one way; downhill. What is the longest period of time to your direct knowledge he has gone without alcohol?. Alcohol is also a depressant and he's likely to be self medicating with alcohol.

What a horrible way to live.
You know you deserve better, right?

You are completely 100% right. I think deep down I know the answer of what I need to do but the thought of it is really scary. I also feel guilty about breaking up my children's family but as you say, this kind of constant negativity isnt good for kids either and will affect them if it carries on.

The longest he has been without alcohol is probably about a week when he was on antibiotics for a tooth infection (the one you cant have alcohol with as it makes you violently ill). I have brought up the alcohol issue with him but he just says that he is never hungover, always goes to work, and contributes to the household labour so its not affecting him in a detrimental way.

I think the part of me that justifies staying is the whole: well, he doesnt cheat on me, he doesnt hit me, he often cooks for us, he is financially secure etc But thats a horribly low bar for any relationship and I recognise that.

@AmandaHoldensLips

Thank you. That made me tear up.

It took someone else (a work colleague of his) to notice and give him a wake-up call. This was also as a result of bereavement and I would say 12 months after is a critical moment. However some of the behaviours (drinking and obsessions) didn't go away. Telling him in a quite breezy way what a joyless husk he had become hit home. Thereafter I please myself - we might be on our last holiday together, I chose it and paid for it he can come if he wants. Otherwise I'll go on my own. Obviously helpful that I am still earning and had the larger pay packet!

So don't engage with any of it.

He can sit and watch TV you can do an online course, go to a gallery, read philosophy, book a holiday without him.

Stop giving him an audience.
Go to comedy with a friend, he can look after the kids.

Take the kids to Alton towers, leave him behind.

Just stop giving him a platform he is dragging you all down.

Following your update it's an unequivocal LTB from me. Life is too short. How are you financially? Your teens are likely to be allowed a strong say in how much if any contact they want (mine wanted none).

Mine left under very dramatic circumstances with police involvement, but I still have vivid memories of DD1 having a shower the next day and singing out loud for the first time in years - he'd have told her off for it. Our house has been a happy place since he left.

Have you actually told him how miserable he is making you? And how worried you are for the kids growing up in this miserable negative atmosphere?
Tell him you can’t do it any longer because life is too short. Give him an ultimatum, either he seeks help to change (and actually works on it), or the marriage will have to end.

Sounds like he is having a mid life crisis of some kind with the death of his father. Would he go to counselling and talk through why he has such a negative view of life? It would be worth it as even if you divorce him he’d still be in your kids lives etc

its like he’s using you as some kind of mental dumping ground. You deserve so much more and he needs to get his act together if not for you then for his ongoing relationships with his kids

My love, you have one life. Is this how you want to spend it? X

shouldidivorcehim

re your comment:
"I think the part of me that justifies staying is the whole: well, he doesnt cheat on me, he doesnt hit me, he often cooks for us, he is financially secure etc But thats a horribly low bar for any relationship and I recognise that".

To your credit you do recognise that but your kids, if you were to tell them this, will call you daft for staying. Worse of all, they could then accuse you of putting him before them. They likely know far more about the parlous state of your marriage too than either of you care to realise.

It is a bloody low bar though, it really is so raise your bar if not for yourself then for your kids. Would you want them as adults to be in such a relationship like yours; no you would not and you would want better for them. Its more than ok to want better for your own self too out of a relationship, you do not have to put your own self last here.

What is more scary to you really; staying with him or fear of the unknown?. (That amongst other reasons is often touted as a reason for staying). Staying with him is a far more scary and uncertain a prospect and not just for you either so I would urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway.

The longest he has gone without alcohol is one week; that says an awful lot about him too. Like many such people he is in denial and will basically continue to function until he one day does not. The wheels will come off quickly and you really do not want to be around when that happens.

This is what I have been doing recently. Ive just been taking the kids out and about and having fun without him.

But when out, I see other dads spending time with their families and engaging and actually having fun and it makes me want to cry. I'm not asking for the world, just for us to enjoy time as a family but apparently, thats too much to ask for. In a way, I am already acting like a single parent.

Newgirls

He won't entertain the idea as per OPs comments in her initial post;

"He isnt depressed according to him and even if he was, he refuses to talk to anyone about it because typically he says, "counselling is a waste of money- I'm not paying a stranger to listen to my private thoughts" etc etc"

Don't let his moods stifle you and your dc. You don't have to sit on the sofa suffering.
Do what you have to do but in the meantime, just go out. Plan some nice days or a holiday with your dcs and go without him.
Don't spend your life like this. You obviously want more out of your life so just go for it.

If you've tried to reach out to him and include hi, tried to find common ground where you can both experience and enjoy life and he persists being this negative asshole, then I would make a concious decision that just because he's tight and joyless, doesnt have to mean you have to be too! in the frightful parlance I see all the time on social media....'you do you'. Go out to movies, dinners, concerts, meet with friends and plan and go on holiday, either alone or with friends. If he wants to waste his life looking in the gutter and beign resentful of everything, thats his bag. Lifes too short and you sound engaged, youthful and happy - embrace your time and enjoy! If you leave him behind, so be it. Maybe he wakes up and sees what he's missing out on.....maybe he notices and gets resentful and tries to shut you down. Dont allow that. He does not have the right to dictate your life and your choices. Fly free!!!

Leave him. I would not be able to live with a man who sat on the sofa all day and refused to take a holiday.

Do you have hobbies/interests to get you away from him out of the house at weekends? Walking, tennis, swimming, library, galleries...

Imagine spending your weekends cleaning the kitchen. No thanks.

Your children and you will go onto thrive and survive without him in your day to day lives. You are not responsible for your H's actions and choices here; he is and he is choosing to self medicate any and all problems with alcohol. His needs here also are not more important than your own,

His alcohol dependency will catch up to him, that process has already started and is still very much ongoing.

Apart from all the other excellent advice on here, book yourself and the kids a holiday! Why should they miss out!

I absolutely get that you feel like a single parent doing stuff without him but that’s still better than not doing anything at all and as the other alternative is to leave him, you’d be a single parent anyway.

Yes, I have. I tried to phrase it kindly and in a non judgemental way. I explained why I feel holidays and days out are important (memories for the kids etc). Ive also tried to talk to him about his grief about his dad but I either get two responses: 1. Him refusing to talk about it, getting angry about the suggestion of grief counselling and the usual crap about how all therapists just want money- are all laughing at him (he has this weird obsession with people laughing at him). OR, he will slightly open up, get emotional and talk but then nothing ever changes and an hour later he's back to his usual default mode which is critical and grumpy.

I KNOW!!! THANK YOU. I like a clean house as much as anyone else but life is too short to spend it like this. He admits he has a touch of OCD regarding cleaning