Miserable/negative husband- anyone else in this boat?

[shouldidivorcehim]

Name changed for this but I have a real dilemma.

Been married 17 years, 2 kids in their early teens. I feel like my husband is the most negative man on the planet. When we first met, he was positive, dynamic, caring and fun. I honestly dont know what happened to him but for years now he's been critical, negative and moany about literally everything. He complains constantly- 24/7, everything is inefficient and wrong. Its got to the point where I literally dread weekends because I cannot stand being around his constant negativity and complaining. We havent had a holiday in 10 years because nothing is ever up to his standards and according to him its a "waste of money" and the resorts are "laughing at him" for spending his well earned money on their substandard holidays. Some other examples: If anyone ever invites us out for a meal he complains about having to go, then on the way home in the car will moan about how the meal they cooked for us was frozen and it didnt taste how it should have and basically point out every flaw and things they should have done but didnt (no mention ever of how kind they were to invite us or do something nice for us). I was recently given a free ticket to a comedy night out and meal at a fancy hotel so we went. I dont know why I even bothered, for 2 weeks after all I heard was his criticisms of the night out, how the meal was substandard, the comedians werent as funny as they should be and all the things the hotel needed to improve. All he ever wants to do at weekends is clean the kitchen, then play x box, or watch tv all weekend. Never wants to go out anywhere or do anything. Our lives have become this horrible joyless treadmill of chores and sitting on the sofa.

I dont know if I can stand this any longer. He isnt depressed according to him and even if he was, he refuses to talk to anyone about it because typically he says, "counselling is a waste of money- I'm not paying a stranger to listen to my private thoughts" etc etc I honestly dont know what to do- the kids have noticed it as well and often make comments about how negative he is. Recently, I've been thinking about divorcing him because the thought of this being my life for the next 20-30 years makes me want to sob. I am at my wits end.

Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? thanks.

I wonder if he would for the sake of his kids

he’s self medicating with alcohol too isn’t he - clearly in denial about something

It's a sad fact that almost all my friends say their dh have got grumpier as they have aged.

DH is 54. He is definitely more stressed these days, but we still go for great holidays, comedy nights, and family outings. He watches TV on weekdays because he has a very tough job, but we go out on the weekends. Honestly what's the point in being married if your husband drains you?

I had one…not so much the holidays, but we would go on holiday, I’d think we’d had a good time and then all he would do was focus on the negative. Also a heavy drinker. Lots of the negativity was actually a form of coercive control, refusing to do things because last time was crap/he didn’t feel like it. I tried so hard to turn things around, asked him to seek medical attention (he has underlying health problems), counselling. He refused. I tried grey rock where I just didn’t engage with the negativity. Honestly though, it’s so draining. I kept hoping the kind, fun man I fell for would come back. In the end, I realised this miserable man was the permanent state and all ended the marriage. Within weeks, he’d sought medical attention and counselling. Months on, he’s in a new relationship and all I could think was “Good, he can moan to her now instead”. People keep telling me I seem totally different and “lighter”. I’m singing again, smiling if I’m driving. Weekends are chilled. I don’t worry about him drunkenly wandering the house at night, I’m not bothered by his terrible snoring. I was sad to give up on my marriage but in retrospect, he’d given up long before I had. Right decision all round.

He's like this about cleaning because he is a miserable bugger and expects you as the woman here to do it; nothing to do with OCD.

When is he really and truly sober here?. He seems always to be on a comedown from alcohol and that also acts as a depressant. He is angry because he is abusive, not just because he is angry.

This is still no life for you or your children to be witness too; he wants you all to bear the brunt of his unhappiness because he blames you for it all. He's also learnt that being critical and grumpy works for him; chances are that either one of his parents acted the same.

Your children are the real victims here. It isn’t much fun having a parent like this. They won’t hang around once they can escape such a home life.
I would get the divorce going asap.

@shouldidivorcehim yes, you should. The fact that you're even considering it gives you the answer. Being around that sort of behaviour even for a little while is draining, let alone all the time, and going away and doing your own thing is all very fine but you'll always be aware that you'll be coming home to misery and negativity. I wouldn't wish that sort of future on anyone.

Newgirls

re your comment about OPs H being unwilling to see a counsellor stating that
"I wonder if he would for the sake of his kids"

Sadly I doubt it; these types never entertain counselling because they don't want to be told about their sense of entitlement and particularly by some woman whom they think is young enough to be their daughter/son and therefore knows nothing.

"he’s self medicating with alcohol too isn’t he - clearly in denial about something"

Yes.

Spot on- in fact, this is something I can imagine him saying!!

I think much of this is about control. I think he felt deeply out of control when his dad died and this obsessive cleaning, drinking, and imposing his negative beliefs on us/never wanting to go anywhere is entirely about control. I think exerting this control makes him feel safe (as obsession with control is usually about underlying fear) but he cant see that it is ruining our lives and is incredibly dysfunctional.

If I thought he would take steps to address this I'd wait, but the fact he wont even consider it means nothing is going to change and unless I take action now, this is going to be it for the rest of my life. I cant do it. I think I have no choice but to leave.

Oh dear this is very familiar with the exception that my H loves holidays- yours has the ocd re a clean kitchen- mine makes comments (and I'm a good cook) like was that fish thoroughly defrosted or that Waitrose xxx wasn't as nice as the xxxx

He is also very political so the current state of the UK is a constant talking point.

My H has definitely got much worse in last 10 years- he's 58 now and uses me as a venting post I feel due to wfh for 20 years and a lack of day to day male company.

I actually find myself feeling quite jealous of women who are with men who maybe aren't as decent looking or as intelligent, but are cheery, not as judgemental and like a laugh and would get up on holiday for a dance etc

He sounds like a bundle of fun.

You know he's not going to improve. There is only one option for a better life.

I actually find myself feeling quite jealous of women who are with men who maybe aren't as decent looking or as intelligent, but are cheery, not as judgemental and like a laugh and would get up on holiday for a dance etc

Yup- you and me both. I look at couples/families having fun and I want to cry. Life is short- why not enjoy it whilst you can? I will never understand it. Noone says on their deathbed: "My one bitter regret in life is not spending more time cleaning out my cupboards"....

"Yup- you and me both. I look at couples/families having fun and I want to cry. Life is short- why not enjoy it whilst you can?"

Agree with this. I've got friends who have water fights in the garden, go on long fun bike rides, have a go at kayaking and just go out on spontaneous days out all with their fun loving dh's. It makes me envious too.
I just get on with it with my dcs without him mostly and I just hope I can pass on my sense of adventure and fun to my dcs.

One of the reasons I ended my marriage was about this. Life is short. My Mum died in her 50s. The thought that the same could happen to me, that I could only have 10 years left and be stuck that miserable was enough to make me decide enough was enough.

I was married to a miserable fuck once. The scales fell from my eyes when I was talking to one of my (married) friends, and she asked me how many more years I was going to wait for him to turn into a different person.

When I said I wanted a divorce he laughed in my face.

Wasn't laughing when I went through with it.

Me and the kids were broke but happy as beans without him, and I thank my lucky stars that I threw in the towel before he could waste any more of my life.

There really is joy on the other side.

Fucking hell, I thought we might be married to the same man for a minute , Moany , critical , can never see the good in anything.
It seems to be a common thing with people these days, sucking the fun out of everything 🤷🏼‍♀️

"On the other side of fear is freedom".
I live very happily on my own with my two older sons, our home is calm, peaceful and relaxed.
I would never entertain another man living here, l have an overbearing next door neighbour barking orders at his family constantly, such an uptight misery guts, l thank my lucky stars l m not stuck with that. You don't want to be sleepwalking through life hoping things will change, take control and make a life for yourself and teenagers without being taken down by this sinking ship.

I think it's really important to say not all these negative buggers start out this way -- often it's not there for 15 years or more and by then a great deal is intertwined

Would it give him pause for thought if one of your kids mentioned that he is a miserable old bugger and they can’t wait to move out? Does he realise he is pushing everyone away?

God OP this sounds bloody awful, please don't waste any more years on this man!

Could be me. H is also a fun sponge. He drains the fun out of any situation. He can't repeat an anecdote - it becomes a full blown boring saga. He obsesses over small detail ( some OCD here) and has now become obsessed about being scammed. The performance I've just had to go through because he didn't accept that a security phone call really was from the bank. I just have to switch off now and go somewhere else in thee house.

This happened to a friend of mine. She realised he was making everyone unhappy and it wasn’t fair on her or the kids. So she gave him an ultimatum - sort yourself out or move out. To his credit he sorted himself out, got some counselling, a new job. And they are much happier.

Yes- absolutely. If he had been like this from the beginning, I wouldnt have even agreed to a second date with him, let alone marry him. This is the part I dont understand- at the beginning he was so full of positivity and ambition. He had all these plans for us and for his business, it was exciting and fulfilling, we went out all the time and really enjoyed life. I dont know what happened- its not as if he's been through anything worse than anyone else our age. He has a very successful business, we are comfortably off, our kids are healthy (which I never take for granted), yes he lost his dad but I too have lost both of my parents (as have many of our friends) and it didnt turn me into a perpetual miserable arse. In fact, if anything, its made me more conscious of enjoying life and not fretting about the stupid small things that dont matter in the scheme of things.

I feel betrayed. I dont know if this is the real him and the beginning was all an act or if that was the real him and he's just sliding into a mid life depressive crisis. One thing I do know is that he is NOT the man I married and I am so sad that it seems that person is gone now forever and I am stuck living with this miserable stranger who seems compelled to suck the joy out of everything.

How was he before the death of his father? Clearly you’ve been through a lot also but it sounds like classic depression to me. One year sounds like a lot but in the scheme of things it’s probably still very raw. Was his father suffering a long illness that could explain his negativity beforehand also?

Just trying to offer a different perspective. Mental health is insidious in how the person doesn’t even realise how different they’ve become and how odd things are compared to before. However you have said it has been ten years so would there be anything else that put this in motion or has he just changed as a person?

If it were me, I’d be asking whether fixing the depression would bring him back to his old self or if it’s a lost cause completely. If you think it’s possible, then he absolutely needs to put the work in and cut out the alcohol but unfortunately might take a serious ultimatum or even time apart to get him to that stage, which is also never good.

I’m so sorry but at least you are on the right track to effect change one way or the other.

I think this happens to a lot of men when they get older. Mine was also very different when we got married.

One of the things that came out when we did manage to talk about it civilly was that he was disappointed with the way his life was - but there was nothing rational in that disappointment. We were comfortable financially, mortgage free, in secure jobs, two really great kids. Somehow it was never enough or never good enough - he had these ideas about how life should be and couldn't handle the fact that it wasn't exactly like that. I think men place a lot of expectations on themselves and when they aren't met, they become despondent whereas women are more able to adapt to circumstances and see the positives. It's called cognitive rigidity vs cognitive flexibility and I wonder whether our ability to be flexible comes from having childcare responsibilities fall on us more - I mean, few things as unpredictable as life with (small) kids, you have to be flexible or sink!

Looking back, he had already started down this path of negativity before his father passed but I do think it exacerbated it. I understand what grief does to a person but if he wont talk about it or accept help, I'm not sure what can be done. He thinks therapy is some kind of con to get money out of "weak" people so I dont know how else to help him if he wont help himself. I had some therapy after my dad passed (this was before his dad died) and even then, he used to scoff at it and never once asked me about it or how it was going. It was hurtful.

@pointythings - yes, he feels the same I think. That life didnt turn out how he feels it should have. But I dont get that- we live in a lovely house in a beautiful area, are financially secure, have great kids, both have careers etc What more does he expect out of life? The way he talks, you'd think we lived in a cardboard box, our kids were in and out of prison, or on drugs, and our lives were falling apart. We are blessed in so many ways but it never feels like its enough for him- as if all that we have means absolutely nothing because one thing is out of place in the kitchen so that means our life is shit. sigh I just dont understand it.