Miserable/negative husband- anyone else in this boat?

[shouldidivorcehim]

Name changed for this but I have a real dilemma.

Been married 17 years, 2 kids in their early teens. I feel like my husband is the most negative man on the planet. When we first met, he was positive, dynamic, caring and fun. I honestly dont know what happened to him but for years now he's been critical, negative and moany about literally everything. He complains constantly- 24/7, everything is inefficient and wrong. Its got to the point where I literally dread weekends because I cannot stand being around his constant negativity and complaining. We havent had a holiday in 10 years because nothing is ever up to his standards and according to him its a "waste of money" and the resorts are "laughing at him" for spending his well earned money on their substandard holidays. Some other examples: If anyone ever invites us out for a meal he complains about having to go, then on the way home in the car will moan about how the meal they cooked for us was frozen and it didnt taste how it should have and basically point out every flaw and things they should have done but didnt (no mention ever of how kind they were to invite us or do something nice for us). I was recently given a free ticket to a comedy night out and meal at a fancy hotel so we went. I dont know why I even bothered, for 2 weeks after all I heard was his criticisms of the night out, how the meal was substandard, the comedians werent as funny as they should be and all the things the hotel needed to improve. All he ever wants to do at weekends is clean the kitchen, then play x box, or watch tv all weekend. Never wants to go out anywhere or do anything. Our lives have become this horrible joyless treadmill of chores and sitting on the sofa.

I dont know if I can stand this any longer. He isnt depressed according to him and even if he was, he refuses to talk to anyone about it because typically he says, "counselling is a waste of money- I'm not paying a stranger to listen to my private thoughts" etc etc I honestly dont know what to do- the kids have noticed it as well and often make comments about how negative he is. Recently, I've been thinking about divorcing him because the thought of this being my life for the next 20-30 years makes me want to sob. I am at my wits end.

Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? thanks.

Not read all of it, but from what I have seen, you've had some great advice.

I think map out your options. Can you divorce him? Both financially and mentally? If the answer is yes then I think you should have a frank conversation with him about his behaviour and give him a deadline of when you'd expect to see some positive changes (if he wants to do that, of course).

He may say this is who he is, and that's fine too. But if that's the case, I'd divorce him.

To answer your question, OP...
Not anymore!
I jumped ship. Don't be afraid of flipping it all upside down for a life worth living.
It's hard. It's messy. It's stressful. But...
I haven't looked or felt so well in years. It's like I lifted the boulder off of me and I can finally feel the warmth of just being alive. I'm living, not enduring. And at least I get to be a real single parent instead of resenting having single parenthood inflicted upon me by an invisible husband/father. At least my role is real! Personally, I love it! And who cares about turning dreams into reality? It's just so nice to dream again... to have possibilities stretching out in front of me. I'm 50, by the way, OP... if that matters.
My divorce happened for very traumatic reasons and it did knock me for six. That said, my ex was a grumpy, negative, miserable bastard and I wasn't copoing. You could almost feel the hope and light get sucked out of the home the moment you'd hear his key in the lock. When you're dreading your husband being at home and in your space, it's time to leap into change and do the right thing.

I've just re-watched Shirley Valentine for the first time in years, and I don't mean to be flippant by mentioning it OP, but get yourself (and the kids) on holiday without him and get a different perspective

I’m really sorry you had to deal with that. And, yes, OP’s husband might just genuinely not give a shit.

Just wanted to say thank you all so much for all your kindness and encouragement. You are all bloody lovely people!

I'm reading all the responses and am so heartened to see so many women have left relationships like mine and feel free and happier as a result. You inspire me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that this isnt all life has to offer me.

Financially, it would be a squeeze for me to leave and I'd have to downsize quite considerably but whats the point in living in a big house if you are miserable? - it ends up being a gilded cage.

Sometimes its really hard to work out what is "normal" in a relationship when you've just got used to it but reading these responses has made me realise how much I am sacrificing of my own mental well being every single day by staying and that his behaviour really isnt "normal" (I hate the word normal but you know what I mean).

I hope you're coming to the realisation that your happiness matters just as much as his does and that it isn't selfish to want to walk away after years of trying to provide support and make things better. You can't pour from an empty cup.

The alcohol is also something to consider - children of alcohol dependent parents are more likely to have issues with alcohol themselves. You would be taking your teens out of that environment and that's a big thing.

@shouldidivorcehim "What on earth is this? I wish I understood why some men do this- act as if their lives have been great epic tragedies when in reality, they live comfortable, successful lives".
Quite bluntly, they do it because it works for them, meaning they never have to address their toxic behaviours, and the misery it causes to everyone around them. Throw in a healthy dose of narcissism because they feel that their needs trump everyone else's and you have a very toxic mix. Google 'Victim Mentality and Narcissism' and you'll find reams written on this, but here's something as a starting point: harrogatefamilylaw.co.uk/its-not-them-its-you-why-narcissists-are-always-the-victim/

When he goes on and on about the cleaning is he doing 50% of the work or is he just moaning and expecting you to jump to meet whatever standards he’s demanding? The latter would be awful. I think you should be booking a holiday - is a weekend away with the kids feasible before going back to school? Who cares if he comes? You’ll have a better time without him….

I think you put this very well, and I agree. Middle age humbles us all. But women seem to be able to deal with disappointment better.

I divorced mine. I definitely relate to everything always being worse for him, his life being the worst of anyone’s and feeling like it just drags you down so much. I realised I was taking on this negative attitude to life and it’s exhausting. Also the inability/reluctance to plan anything or really do anything meant spending days on end doing the same thing, literally walking the same way to the same place, eating the same food, hearing the same conversation…it’s like going mad.

He hasn’t changed either - in fact it’s now a running joke that when he comes to pick up the DC we hear about the “worst journey ever”, that he nearly crashed however many times, his back hurts, he’s starving. In other words he had a normal journey among the other crap drivers on the road and didn’t stop to eat! I mean this is a man with plenty of money and resources so why he never gets food on a long trip and then gets depressed about being hungry I don’t know. He also expects everything on this end to be exactly how he has planned it and if it isn’t he gets some real rage. We’re supposed to sit at home and wait for him to show up and if we don’t the world ends (once we took the kids out and said he could come and meet us there - literally a five minute drive from my house - well you would think he’d been asked to trek up a mountain. Tried to demand I walked them back home to meet him, when it’s a 25 minute walk with two kids and as I said, an easy 5 minute drive for him).

Oh life is too short and precious to spend it like this, OP! I hope this thread has confirmed that, and that you get away from this man. He is a millstone around your neck.

middle age humbles us all - and women handle it better. Isn’t that spot on!

good luck op x

@shouldidivorcehim How are you? Have you made any decisions about your future with your husband? I found this thread and it’s uncannily similar to my own experience (13 years marriage, 21 years relationship, 2
primary school aged DC and an outwardly lovely and successful life).

we have had long running issues but the last year has really made me realise I can’t live like this any more - plus I am sure DH has got worse. Practically speaking, I think the fact that the kids are just out of the pre school age and I recently got a promotion and so have financial independence means that I am now seriously thinking about how a life without DH would work. I’m only 41. I’d rather be alone than lonely in this marriage for the next 40+ years.

i used to feel sadness and denial about the prospect of splitting but now I feel nothing (except concern about the kids and how toxic he might be). I’d love to think we could conscious uncouple a la Gwyneth but it seems unlikely someone so negative could be so evolved!

When I say “we’ve had ling running issues” that’s true, but we’ve also had happy times and share a sense of humour and views about things- that’s what makes it so hard. We were 20 & 23 when we met and in many ways have grown up together - but that’s also why I’ve accepted behaviour I now find unacceptable as a 41 y.o.

But apart from the negativity and occasional anger outbursts (a couple of times a year) there is no intimacy or passion left over n our marriage. We have hardly slept in the same bed since DC5 was born as he refuses to get up in the night to kids (he sleeps “too deeply” apparently 🙄). We both work full time in senior professional jobs - we actually have the same title and level of seniority. I have clung on to my career despite the fact it would have been much easier to step back and let him be the breadwinner and I wonder if deep down I knew being financially dependent on him was not a good strategy long term.

Six weeks out and am loving it lost weight no grumpiness to drag you down Christmas for the first time in years will be magical and yes I’m on my own. Leave you’ve only got one life. We still speak but he knows now he has to be non grumpy etc if he wants to talk but I’ll never go back.

I couldn't cope with this. I love a good moan, but that fun sponge bit would be too much. Why have you stayed? I would have left 10 years ago and wouldn't have put up with it. No holiday for 10 years? Fuck that.

Mine is similar (minus the alcohol ) I think it is linked to his unhappiness at being in a job he hates (but makes no effort to leave) and some resentment that me and adult DC have made progress in our own careers, nothing amazing but more than him.

He moans about the government, pensions, people who don't live up to his expectations (practically everyone) and my happy go lucky nature (I am very gullible and naïve apparently!) It does get me down, but I retain good friendships with others and that keeps me going. I really feel for you op and wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

I think me and OP married the same person 👀 honestly I’ve never related to a thread so much ! I’m in the same boat too scared to leave because he has all the financial control but don’t wanna be in this marriage anymore.