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Original poster

Found messages for prostitutes on partners phone

99 replies

Kassy222 · 09/08/2022 07:38

Help! My partner recently got a new phone. Whilst moving furniture I found his old phone. I went through it as I have felt uneasy for quite some time. I found he had joined adult work and had messaged a prostitute for sex. He had re visited the site numerous times. Whilst working away he had also googled a massage parlour in the area he was working and also revisited adult work whilst he was away. (No new messages) but most have there phone numbers displayed anyway. Also I went out for a walk with a friend and whilst out the house he went on adult friend finder and searched women in a 5 mile radius. He didn’t register with the site but had filled out the boxes what he was looking for. I found he is always watching porn most days literally amy chance he gets which I know can be normal for men but it was even at times he would turn me down, I would leave the house and he would go straight on it.
we haven’t really had a sex lift for close to two years. He’s had low libido, despite my many efforts and despite me getting upset about it a lot and explaining to him it’s making me insecure and not feeling wanted. These feeling have made me question him a lot and have made me controlling which he states stresses him out. His answer to my recent find is that he’s never gone through with it. He states that he was confused about the low libido and didn’t know if he had lost his sexual attraction to me or women in general. He also said that he didn’t know if it was my behaviours that was putting him off me sexually. I asked why he went on adult friend finder and he said it just popped up and he was bored but would never go through with it. The pain and feeling is unbearable and He’s played it down like I’m partly to blame. Im confused and don’t know what to think, feel or do :-(

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 09/08/2022 08:10

All men who are caught booking prostitutes say they'd never go through with it / it was for the thrill etc.

And they're always lying.

Men who pay for sex cannot ever know for sure that the sex worker isn't trafficked, abused, coerced etc.

But they are willing to take the risk.

Decent men don't do that.

He is not a decent man.

Please don't stay with a man who isn't decent.

It will erode your confidence and self worth.

It will leave you feeling confused and anxious, all the time.

And he'll do it again.

Beachsidesunset · 09/08/2022 08:13

What to do? Well, it's easy, isn't it - find a good man instead of this loser.

Marineboy67 · 09/08/2022 08:15

Get yourself down to the solicitors today! Surely you've seen enough to know.

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 09/08/2022 08:18

I'm so sorry OP but they always say 'I never went through with it' but they always have/do. You need to find your anger and self respect and get rid because men like this do not change and staying with him will destroy your self esteem.

He isn't who you thought he was and he's nowhere near good enough for you, or indeed any woman, he's a dirty, cheating sleaze who thinks consent can be bought and women's bodies used as a commodity.

The quicker you get rid the quicker you can start to heal, please don't waste any more of your precious life on this man. Also sorry to add more stress but you really need an STI check, he has put your health at risk on top of everything else Angry

Purpleavocado · 09/08/2022 08:20

You deserve so much better than this. He is not going to change. Please start making steps to leave him today. You have a whole future in front of you, don't waste any more of your precious time with him.

RedCardigan · 09/08/2022 08:22

Of course he has been having sex with prostitutes. I’m sorry.
Get yourself an STI test and a solicitor.
no that’s not a normal level of porn watching for any man.
the low libido thing is bollocks and happens when men watch porn that much that they need the sex to happen like in porn films. He’s an arsehole for saying his was questioning whether it was you or all women he lost attraction in.

he has slept with women and cheated on you many many many times sorry

DFOD · 09/08/2022 08:22

Oh the whole “script” to a T - ending in it’s your fault …. classic abuse technique DARVO (defend, attack, reverse victim and offender).

He is 100% lying about everything.

Don’t waste your breath and dignity on another conversation.

Get yourself an STI check (v simple to arrange online, very sensitive and confidential handling by NHS)

Get a plan to leave him.

What are your accommodation and financial arrangements? Do you have DC together?

I am sorry this has happened to you. Sounds like he is a prolific sex addict.
Don’t try to fix him.

You life will be better in time. This is a sexless half life where you are not even emotionally connected to your partner because their head is preoccupied with plotting and fantasying about their next fix.

category12 · 09/08/2022 08:22

Oh wow, he's turned it round to being your fault somehow, that he's going to prostitutes?

I think you should get shot of him.

Cornflakegirll · 09/08/2022 08:31

He is lying. Do not let him gaslight you and turn this around on you.

He’s a dirty creep.

He is simply an unsafe partner. He is putting you at huge risk of contracting a STI.

I know you’re confused atm, I know you’re in shock but the only option is to leave this man, for your sanity and emotional and sexual health safety.

Goodnewsday · 09/08/2022 08:32

This sounds like almost exactly the situation I was in 4 years ago. He wasn’t saying it was my fault though but did say he hadn’t done anything. He was on a swingers site too but claimed to have been on it because his friend who was a swinger was on it and he’d went on to see their profile, which was true but I don’t know why in that case you wouldn’t say to me ‘oh look at such and such’ 🙄 He always doesn’t have much sex drive or certainly doesn’t show it as I have to initiate things every single time. It all blew up when I found a weird text on his phone, googled the number and it took me to an escort site with a girl’s profile. In hindsight I should have left him as it does sound a lot but I didn’t. I’m pretty certain he’s never considered going on any of these things again as he got such a fright at me kicking him out the house but if you love and respect someone you wouldn’t go on it in the first place. It was like he had some weird fascination with looking at them. We’re now married and everything has been fine since but it does still play on the back of my mind every time he’s late home etc. I want to keep bringing it up all the time too because I feel like he has no concept of the fact I go about my daily life with that feeling and why would he ever do that to me when it still hurts this much. I probably should have left him at the time

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 09/08/2022 08:32

This comment above is perfect. It's all that needs to be said on this:

Men who pay for sex cannot ever know for sure that the sex worker isn't trafficked, abused, coerced etc.

But they are willing to take the risk.

Decent men don't do that.

Haffiana · 09/08/2022 09:05

He has a 'low libido' because the sort of sex he likes is prostitute sex, and he doesn't want loving partner sex. He even prefers to wank than have partner sex.

Sex with a prostitute is a sexual choice. It is a sexual preference, just like a kink or fetish is. I wish women would stop being gaslit that it is because of what they do or don't do in a relationship. A man goes to a prostitute because he wants that sort of sex.

Cheminaufaules · 09/08/2022 09:19

Haffiana · 09/08/2022 09:05

He has a 'low libido' because the sort of sex he likes is prostitute sex, and he doesn't want loving partner sex. He even prefers to wank than have partner sex.

Sex with a prostitute is a sexual choice. It is a sexual preference, just like a kink or fetish is. I wish women would stop being gaslit that it is because of what they do or don't do in a relationship. A man goes to a prostitute because he wants that sort of sex.

This.

He won't be able to get off on loving partner sex.

Fifife · 09/08/2022 09:22

It sounds like he's a sex addict with Madonna/whore syndrome these men don't change, they will never stop . You can expect to spend your life hyper vigilant and getting frequent std tests They don't like partnered sex hence the low sex drive when he's with you.

DFOD · 09/08/2022 09:30

Goodnewsday · 09/08/2022 08:32

This sounds like almost exactly the situation I was in 4 years ago. He wasn’t saying it was my fault though but did say he hadn’t done anything. He was on a swingers site too but claimed to have been on it because his friend who was a swinger was on it and he’d went on to see their profile, which was true but I don’t know why in that case you wouldn’t say to me ‘oh look at such and such’ 🙄 He always doesn’t have much sex drive or certainly doesn’t show it as I have to initiate things every single time. It all blew up when I found a weird text on his phone, googled the number and it took me to an escort site with a girl’s profile. In hindsight I should have left him as it does sound a lot but I didn’t. I’m pretty certain he’s never considered going on any of these things again as he got such a fright at me kicking him out the house but if you love and respect someone you wouldn’t go on it in the first place. It was like he had some weird fascination with looking at them. We’re now married and everything has been fine since but it does still play on the back of my mind every time he’s late home etc. I want to keep bringing it up all the time too because I feel like he has no concept of the fact I go about my daily life with that feeling and why would he ever do that to me when it still hurts this much. I probably should have left him at the time

Let me help you out here….

“In hindsight I should have left him as it does sound a lot but I didn’t.”

“I probably should have left him at the time.”

“I go about my daily life with that feeling and why would he ever do that to me when it still hurts this much.”

His “low sex drive” tells you he is still at it and has never stopped. How degrading for you to have to initiate sex every time.

You don’t have to live this half life. It’s always on your mind because it’s still there. And even if it isn’t now - he crossed an unacceptable line for anyone.

The trust is gone that’s why you are hurting and preoccupied and wondering what’s happening when he is late home.

No need to live like this - it will erode your spirit.

layladomino · 09/08/2022 10:20

No, all men don't look at porn. Many do, but for most that do it isn't an obsession. It is far from normal to be looking at porn whenever you're alone / when you've just turned down sex with your partner. His behaviour is not 'normal'.

He has the cheek to suggest you're to blame in some way? Disgusting. Shocking he'd dare suggest that. He is of course 100% responsible for his actions.

Even if he's never followed through with a face to face meeting, his porn obsession, your lack of sex life, his blaming it on you, looking up other women and imagining being with them, are all plenty enough to tell you that your relationship is at an end. But let's face it, there's every chance that he is lying, almost a certainty, and he has cheated. If he hasn't, he will soon. Either way, you'll never trust him.

Your relationship doesn't sound fun or healthy. What is the point of a relationship if it makes you less happy than you would be single? He is lying, likely cheating, gaslighting.

Original poster
Kassy222 · 09/08/2022 15:06

I just feel so low. It got to a point I would put my pjs on in the spare room as I thought he was already going off me so didn’t want to put him off even more. I haven’t spoken to my friends about any of this as I’m embarrassed so feel alone and isolated x

OP posts:
Original poster
Kassy222 · 09/08/2022 15:20

Yeah I have just find it hard when he’s saying I’m partly to blame it makes you question everything x

OP posts:
Original poster
Kassy222 · 09/08/2022 15:23

No financial ties. House is in my name I will just repay the money he gave towards deposit. No children together we was going through fertility treatment after losing 2 babies :-(

OP posts:
Cheminaufaules · 09/08/2022 15:26

It's not about you, it's all about him. People will say this again and again to you but until you truly understand that, you will keep finding it difficult, keep looking for explanations, keep changing in another room because you feel there's something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.

With regard to him, reading between the lines, could there be some sort of external influence upon him? Is he discussing your relationship with someone else? Does he have friends who have used prostitutes?

Cornflakegirll · 09/08/2022 15:35

Kassy222 · 09/08/2022 15:23

No financial ties. House is in my name I will just repay the money he gave towards deposit. No children together we was going through fertility treatment after losing 2 babies :-(

Please just leave him. It will be hard at first, so hard no one is denying it’s painful BUT the light is at the end of the tunnel.

You certainly don’t want children with this man. His selfishness and entitlement is so clear. You cannot co to us to live your life like this.

None if this is your fault, none of it! He is an utter creep! You are worth so much more!

Cornflakegirll · 09/08/2022 15:35

*Continue

Haffiana · 09/08/2022 15:42

I haven’t spoken to my friends about any of this as I’m embarrassed so feel alone and isolated x

You need to tell your friends. Why should you be embarrassed? You have done nothing wrong. The shame is all his.

Stop keeping his dirty little secrets for him. Stop it now with your sad spirals of self doubt and self loathing and imagining that you need to bolster an image. Let the light in. You need to see the reactions of your friends so that you can understand what a normal reaction to a man like this is.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/08/2022 15:44

You don't know what to think feel or do?

Here you go:

Start by thinking about what a cheating cunt he is.
Start feeling angry.
Get rid of him.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/08/2022 15:45

Do not waste another second with this specimen

Tell your friends and get their support